How To Stop "Checking On" Your A-Ex Online??

Old 09-11-2008, 09:06 AM
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Question How To Stop "Checking On" Your A-Ex Online??

Hi all,

Ok, so the other night after fighting and deciding to no longer talk as said in my previous post, my A-exbf blocked me online. As you can imagine, I was kind of hurt over that. Well, last night I saw that he UN-blocked me, as he popped up on my buddylist. I went ahead an blocked him, so that he wouldnt have that option of contacting me (atleast not under his normal screen name), but it makes me wonder, why did he first block me and then go ahead and UN-block me. Who knows, i'll never know the answer to that one. My real question here is this... I'm finding (probably because of my un-addressed love addiction and/or co-dependancy issues) that EVERY NIGHT i'm "checking up" on him! Like a mad woman! I go onto his aol profile to see if any changes were made to it, and I go onto his new myspace page to see if he logged on since August when he last logged on, and if so, if any new friends were added, etc etc. I feel sick!! Why cant I let this go and stop checking on him and just let him go and focus on MYSELF? I mean, in a sense I did ok because all I did was look, I never IM'd him (where in the past I know I would've) or texted or called him, I just let it be. But still, the fact that I dont have the control yet to stop myself from checking on him really bothers me. Has anyone else experienced this?
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Old 09-11-2008, 09:24 AM
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I used to be kind of like that. Maybe you just need to find something else to do. I know that sounds silly and simple, but when I was single I spent WAY too much time at my computer. Either chatting with friends or trying to make new ones. However once I started to venture out of my house.. I felt soo much better. I didn't really find my self even wondering, is he online, who's he talking too.. because I just wasn't in "computer land" anymore. Of course if your sitting there at the computer the temptation to check in is going to win. But if your not in distance?? Then what?

Maybe just maybe it could be as simple as a shift back to an IRL hobby.
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Old 09-11-2008, 09:24 AM
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Its hard to stop all the things you used to do. Perhaps delete all the links to those places where you go check on him so that to do so involves a few more keystrokes that can give you a moment to ask yourself if you really want to look? Sometimes it only takes a moment to reflect and come up with, nope I don't really want to look.
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Old 09-11-2008, 09:58 AM
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cherrygirl, before you you go on to his myspace or other sites to check up on him, ask yourself "am I gonna like what I see?" "Will it upset or aggrevate me if I see ...?" "Do I want to keep doing this same song and dance, over and over?" I used to be that way myself, not on the myspace thing or anything, but things such as voicemail messages, etc. I used to not answer my cell when I knew he was calling, and let it go to vm. Then, of course, I'd listen to the voice mail and get all upset all over again. What I decided to do was (for my own sanity, of course), just delete the voice mail before even listening to it. At first, my mind would play tricks on me, it would "tell" me that maybe the voice mail was an emergency, maybe it was him apologizing, maybe something "happened" and he needs me, etc. Wrong, wrong, wrong!!! It was total opposite, annoying things that would grate on my nerves to no end, blaming me and making me feel like I was wrong or going insane! Do yourself a favor, try to not look today/tonite, then do the same thing tomorrow. When you get that "craving" to look (and trust me, it is a craving - over and over ...), walk away and do something else, it will pass and it will get easier. Baby steps and one day at a time, and soon it will be weeks and months that you haven't looked.
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Old 09-11-2008, 10:04 AM
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Originally Posted by cherrygirl30 View Post
but it makes me wonder, why did he first block me and then go ahead and UN-block me.
Control.

In my case, as long as I kept my focus on other people I didn't have to address my own issues. I needed to set the world straight before worrying about myself.
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Old 09-11-2008, 12:30 PM
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Hi cherry!

I know exactly how you feel! I do the same junk, except I look at our cell phone account. It goes a list of what calls were made and received and when. I have analyzed the times and length, everything. I have even tried doing a reverse lookup through the realpages to see if I can see who these numbers belong to. It is not healthy.

I guess, the first step though is to realize there is a problem.
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Old 09-11-2008, 12:54 PM
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Siverberry BTDT too LOL! The crazy things we did at times, huh?
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Old 09-11-2008, 01:17 PM
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Silverberry I do that all the time. It doesn't do me any good, but I still do it. I really, really need to stop. I am doing better on everything else but that.
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Old 09-11-2008, 01:18 PM
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Silverberry I do that all the time. It doesn't do me any good, but I still do it. I really, really need to stop. I am doing better on everything else but that.

He isn't an ex even. All it does is hurt me to know more lies. How do you stop yourself?
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Old 09-11-2008, 01:25 PM
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I defriended my SO on facebook because I get suspicious every time she adds a new friend. I start thinking, "hmmm...where did she meet him/her? I wonder what my SO did that inspired this person to friend her right away?" But then again she hooked up with someone else a couple months ago and i havent trusted her since. The internet is so inconvenient when you are trying to get over someone. Because the curiousity is hard to resist but checking up on the person doesnt bring any relief, only frustration..
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Old 09-11-2008, 01:34 PM
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Cherry,
Have you you tried working on your codependent issues, like attending something like Alanon, etc?

I know that my gf counts her days not checking up on her daughter on Facebook as sobriety days. She actually says, I have 8 days of facebook sobriety. It works for her.

Letting someone have that much power over your moods is no fun. Make a change!
Good luck!
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Old 09-11-2008, 01:43 PM
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This is the same thing as the times I would drive by the bar to see if he was there. If he wasn't there, drive by the drinking buddies. I would check the numbers dialed on the cell phone when I got the bill to see how many times he called the buddies and what times (since most of his drinking started in the early afternoon because he got done early) he called them. Over and over again torturing myself.

Then I asked myself why? Did it change anything? NO
Was he still drinking? Yes Did it help me at all to know this? NO. Did it make me miserable, sad, depressed, angry? Yes

So then I stopped driving by the bar, stopped checking the buddies and all that other stuff and you know what? It got easier and easier to do that and I had more time to do something I enjoyed or to find something new that I enjoyed!
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Old 09-11-2008, 02:09 PM
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Originally Posted by TTOSBT View Post
I know that my gf counts her days not checking up on her daughter on Facebook as sobriety days. She actually says, I have 8 days of facebook sobriety. It works for her
That's brilliant TTOSBT.

I found that the desire to check up on my x started to fade when I finally got on with my life, and found other things, people and situations that I loved more. As my self esteem grew with counseling and Al-Anon, I realized slowly that he was a jerk that didn't deserve my time - ANY of it. Eventually I just didn't give a s*** any more. It's been years now since I've cared enough to spend so much as 30 seconds wondering what he's doing online.

Before that, in the worst of times, I kept a rubber band on my wrist and gave it a nasty snap when I started to go out and check on X. One of those big blue ones from the broccoli. It's like having to pay the cuss jar Weird, but it worked.
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Old 09-11-2008, 02:28 PM
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GiveLove,
I think that is a great idea. My husband is trying that to quit smoking
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Old 09-12-2008, 10:22 PM
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Yeah, it happened to me too. Last time I did though, I found out he had already moved on to another relationship and that it tool all of 3 weeks to replace me. It hurt me so bad that I felt like I have regressed all the healing that I have accomplished. So, I decided that why should I give him that power. What is the point to hurt myself by going to his ms page? I deleted him and the friends we had in common from ms. So, that I have no reason to look at his page and it will be harder to do so. I also have a plan...whenever I have the urge to see his page, I come here, I check my emails, I call a friend.....Whatever it takes for me to be busy and not look in his page. The realization that looking will only hurt me and why do I want to do that to myself...That is enough to not do it. Best of Luck
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Old 09-13-2008, 09:15 PM
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I think checking up in the past for me was a way to not look at what I had to look at in myself. My most recent ex and I broke up last Thanksgiving, but had contact for months after. He is a musician, so he has a website, a myspace, and plays at a famous club here in the city and is splashed all over that. Since the day we broke up and I decided to get serious about my recovery, I have not once looked at any of those websites. It would only hurt me to see things about him considering at one point I was such a big part of his life.

When you are really ready to focus on yourself, it won't be so hard to ignore him and check up on him.
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