Hello and Thanks!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Middle of the U.S.
Posts: 85
Hello and Thanks!
First of all, I'd like to offer my deepest gratitude for this forum and all who post here. I've been lurking on and off for quite a while now and made the decision to join about a week ago. Although my situation isn't precisely like anyone else's here, I can no longer deny the reality of my husband's alcoholism and how it has affected me. I've seen too many posts that could have been made by me in the distant and not-so-distant past to sustain any reasonable doubts.
What makes my situation especially difficult for me is my AH is an inconsistant binge drinker. He will go fairly long stretches of drinking lightly or not at all before he eventually binges. My pattern has been to settle into a sense of false security followed by having my hopes dashed once again. When he's not drinking, which is most of the time, he's a great partner and the thought of leaving him is very painful. However, I HATE what he becomes when drunk. He becomes self-righteous, arrogent, argumentative, juvenile, sloppy and grotesque -- reminds me of the 'bug suit' guy in "Men in Black."
I now accept that as long as alcohol remains in his life, he will be a dichotomy. Our relationship will be stunted as a result and can't grow or evolve -- only cycle through this same miserable pattern endlessly. Or get worse, as I've seen here. Although detaching and focusing on myself has led me to some wonderful opportunities and friendships, I'm also finding myself sometimes becoming very physically attracted to other men. After a particularly hideous Labor Day weekend, I've hit bottom and separation is on the table now. He hasn't drank since, but I don't believe he's hit his bottom and am preparing myself emotionally and financially for separation.
What makes my situation different is I'm childfree by choice, self-employed in two different areas that I love and do business out of our home. I'm not in fear for my life, so I'm doing my best to be diplomatic about everything and make him understand that a separation will mean HE needs to be the one to move out. I feel this is going ok so far, but am concerned about what happens if/when he returns to drinking.
What makes my situation especially difficult for me is my AH is an inconsistant binge drinker. He will go fairly long stretches of drinking lightly or not at all before he eventually binges. My pattern has been to settle into a sense of false security followed by having my hopes dashed once again. When he's not drinking, which is most of the time, he's a great partner and the thought of leaving him is very painful. However, I HATE what he becomes when drunk. He becomes self-righteous, arrogent, argumentative, juvenile, sloppy and grotesque -- reminds me of the 'bug suit' guy in "Men in Black."
I now accept that as long as alcohol remains in his life, he will be a dichotomy. Our relationship will be stunted as a result and can't grow or evolve -- only cycle through this same miserable pattern endlessly. Or get worse, as I've seen here. Although detaching and focusing on myself has led me to some wonderful opportunities and friendships, I'm also finding myself sometimes becoming very physically attracted to other men. After a particularly hideous Labor Day weekend, I've hit bottom and separation is on the table now. He hasn't drank since, but I don't believe he's hit his bottom and am preparing myself emotionally and financially for separation.
What makes my situation different is I'm childfree by choice, self-employed in two different areas that I love and do business out of our home. I'm not in fear for my life, so I'm doing my best to be diplomatic about everything and make him understand that a separation will mean HE needs to be the one to move out. I feel this is going ok so far, but am concerned about what happens if/when he returns to drinking.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Welcome! I've gained so much insight and still have so far to go. At times I feel like I'm a member of a club I never really wanted to join, but here I am, and I can't imagine anyone else I'd want to be with than these fine folks 
Glad you're along for the ride!!
Glad you're along for the ride!!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by GrowingPains 
However, I HATE what he becomes when drunk. He becomes self-righteous, arrogent, argumentative, juvenile, sloppy and grotesque -- reminds me of the 'bug suit' guy in "Men in Black."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Middle of the U.S.
Posts: 85
Thanks!
It turns out I didn't have to wait long at all. He has officially chosen to continue drinking and has lined up a couple of places to stay. He'll be spending the weekend out of town with his parents (who will not be pleased at all with his decision) and will move out next week.
I'm glad to be leaving the hellish cycle, but also a bit freaked out. This is the first relationship I've ended where I still love my partner. I feel like I have to give this a try though, as this relationship simply isn't healthy and has no chance of being healthy as long as he's in denial.
It turns out I didn't have to wait long at all. He has officially chosen to continue drinking and has lined up a couple of places to stay. He'll be spending the weekend out of town with his parents (who will not be pleased at all with his decision) and will move out next week.
I'm glad to be leaving the hellish cycle, but also a bit freaked out. This is the first relationship I've ended where I still love my partner. I feel like I have to give this a try though, as this relationship simply isn't healthy and has no chance of being healthy as long as he's in denial.
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