New Outlook-New Plan
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: forest city
Posts: 28
New Outlook-New Plan
I know a lot of you here have the outlook that there is nothing that you can do to help an addict but let them fall, and go to these meetings...and hell I'm new at this so maybe those ways work...but I'm not convinced that is the only way. I truly believe that my b/f needs my support, my shoulder to cry on when he's scared of life, my help to make him feel stronger when he is weak. So here is my plan...maybe it'll work, maybe it won't...if it doesn't I'm no worse than when I started trying, right? Comments, and suggestions are welcome....
Keep in mind he WANTS to quit, he WANTS a better life, HE WANTS THIS... so none of this is forcing him to quit.
-first of all i bought a calender to track when it happens, how often, the days it doesn't happen get smiley faces, relapses get an x. he is well aware of the tracking system. i'm hoping we can track the pattern, of when and why to help with triggers.
-he wrote a mission statement. a paragraph of why he wants to stop using, and how he plans to achieve his goal.
-i am going to do lots of research and reading. i've ordered some books online about drug usage, the road to recovery, etc. i'm gonna get as educated on this as i can...and i'm going to share these books with him once i've read them and highlighted parts i think are important or especially pertain to him.
-i already bought him a journal, he's been writing poetry, and some songs...he is very into music.
-and last but not least i am going to keep my hope ALIVE, i refuse to believe there is not hope, and i believe that love can cure anything, so we'll see.
:praying
alli
Keep in mind he WANTS to quit, he WANTS a better life, HE WANTS THIS... so none of this is forcing him to quit.
-first of all i bought a calender to track when it happens, how often, the days it doesn't happen get smiley faces, relapses get an x. he is well aware of the tracking system. i'm hoping we can track the pattern, of when and why to help with triggers.
-he wrote a mission statement. a paragraph of why he wants to stop using, and how he plans to achieve his goal.
-i am going to do lots of research and reading. i've ordered some books online about drug usage, the road to recovery, etc. i'm gonna get as educated on this as i can...and i'm going to share these books with him once i've read them and highlighted parts i think are important or especially pertain to him.
-i already bought him a journal, he's been writing poetry, and some songs...he is very into music.
-and last but not least i am going to keep my hope ALIVE, i refuse to believe there is not hope, and i believe that love can cure anything, so we'll see.
:praying
alli
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Hi hopingicanhelp,
The answer to that question may partly depend on how long you have to try. If your plan doesn't work......how many times are you willing to try? I don't say this to tell you how to do anything or that I don't believe your intentions are good, just that I hope you will stay prepared, just in case....
Recovery is not one-size-fits-all. I hope he finds HIS way.
The only thing I wanted to say is this, while you are trying to help him, please make sure you don't lose sight of yourself, your needs, or your expectations for a healthy, happy life. I only speak from my experience of course, but I found that somewhere between "in sickness and in health, til death do us part" and now, I did so much for him that I forgot about me. (And I gave him lots and lots of love) You may not be like me, but it's a good thing to remember, just in case......
Best wishes to you both -
So here is my plan...maybe it'll work, maybe it won't...if it doesn't I'm no worse than when I started trying, right? Comments, and suggestions are welcome....
Recovery is not one-size-fits-all. I hope he finds HIS way.
The only thing I wanted to say is this, while you are trying to help him, please make sure you don't lose sight of yourself, your needs, or your expectations for a healthy, happy life. I only speak from my experience of course, but I found that somewhere between "in sickness and in health, til death do us part" and now, I did so much for him that I forgot about me. (And I gave him lots and lots of love) You may not be like me, but it's a good thing to remember, just in case......
Best wishes to you both -
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
[QUOTE=hopingicanhelp;1904985] Just my opinion but there is an awfully fine line between support
and enabling. You can't love someone clean, no matter how hard
you try. You putting that much energy, effort and time into
someone else's recovery, is setting yourself up for a fall.
Active users are amazing liars, manipulators, thieves, etc. Are you
prepared for those times as well? Because it is not going to be this
pretty picture that we all want it to be. I hope you read some of the
posts in here.
You could very well be much worse off than you started. I've been on both sides, the best friend, and a family member of a user, and I've been the meth addict. A user can suck you dry, and they won't mean too.
Not always but often.
If he really wants to get clean, he will find a program, be it NA, Smart, therapy, rehab, something more....
I think your intentions are great, I think you are going to get hurt if he doesn't find something more than you for support. I think he needs more than smiley faces and X's. A good program of support would do wonders.
Why are you doing this, why is HE not doing this?
It sounds like you are doing all the work and he is doing?
-i already bought him a journal, he's been writing poetry, and some songs...he is very into music.
There is always hope, and I think you are an amazing person with a
huge heart. I just hope you really listen to some of these ladies and
their stories on this board.
Let us know how you are doing...
:ghug3
JMO
:praying
Good luck to you ****{Allie}}}
I know a lot of you here have the outlook that there is nothing that you can do to help an addict but let them fall, and go to these meetings...and hell I'm new at this so maybe those ways work...but I'm not convinced that is the only way. I truly believe that my b/f needs my support, my shoulder to cry on when he's scared of life, my help to make him feel stronger when he is weak.
and enabling. You can't love someone clean, no matter how hard
you try. You putting that much energy, effort and time into
someone else's recovery, is setting yourself up for a fall.
Active users are amazing liars, manipulators, thieves, etc. Are you
prepared for those times as well? Because it is not going to be this
pretty picture that we all want it to be. I hope you read some of the
posts in here.
So here is my plan...maybe it'll work, maybe it won't...if it doesn't I'm no worse than when I started trying, right? Comments, and suggestions are welcome....
Not always but often.
If he really wants to get clean, he will find a program, be it NA, Smart, therapy, rehab, something more....
Keep in mind he WANTS to quit, he WANTS a better life, HE WANTS THIS... so none of this is forcing him to quit.
-first of all i bought a calender to track when it happens, how often, the days it doesn't happen get smiley faces, relapses get an x. he is well aware of the tracking system. i'm hoping we can track the pattern, of when and why to help with triggers.
-he wrote a mission statement. a paragraph of why he wants to stop using, and how he plans to achieve his goal.
-first of all i bought a calender to track when it happens, how often, the days it doesn't happen get smiley faces, relapses get an x. he is well aware of the tracking system. i'm hoping we can track the pattern, of when and why to help with triggers.
-he wrote a mission statement. a paragraph of why he wants to stop using, and how he plans to achieve his goal.
-i am going to do lots of research and reading. i've ordered some books online about drug usage, the road to recovery, etc. i'm gonna get as educated on this as i can...and i'm going to share these books with him once i've read them and highlighted parts i think are important or especially pertain to him.
It sounds like you are doing all the work and he is doing?
-i already bought him a journal, he's been writing poetry, and some songs...he is very into music.
-and last but not least i am going to keep my hope ALIVE, i refuse to believe there is not hope, and i believe that love can cure anything, so we'll see.
huge heart. I just hope you really listen to some of these ladies and
their stories on this board.
Let us know how you are doing...
:ghug3
JMO
:praying
Good luck to you ****{Allie}}}
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by hopingicanhelp 
I know a lot of you here have the outlook that there is nothing that you can do to help an addict but let them fall, and go to these meetings...and hell I'm new at this so maybe those ways work...but I'm not convinced that is the only way.
For me, I wouldn't call it an outlook, would call it a firm conviction. Something I am convinced of, due to my own personal experience. I didn't stop drinking/using until my life got unbearable, the pain far outweighing the pleasure. If someone had been easing my pain-enabling-I would probably still be out there. Human nature, basically. If it works, please let us know.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
I think "done with it" said it best in that there is just such a fine line. The line is so thin that even our hearts can see it. We need to use logic and reason to determine were it might be. Its almost like the breaking point with the speed of sound. You can't SEE it, but logic and "smarts" has taught us where it is... I'm going on and on, but know that once this line is drawn do not move it... I'm thinking outloud, but I'm going to journal tonight and draw a line, and then on each side I am going to write what I will put up with and what I will not....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
I was a little frightened when I read all the things you are doing for your boyfriend because it sounded just like me with my meth-addicted neice (none of it helped in my niece's case). That said, your situation may be very different. You will be able to tell if his desire to get clean is sincere by his behavior over time.
Beyond that - from my experience, the instant you are working one iota harder on helping the addict than they are on helping themselves, you have stepped onto a very slippery slope. And, the second you are working harder to help them than you are focusing on taking care of yourself, you're really in trouble.
When a person puts a lot of energy into helping someone get clean, grow up and whatever else, once they become depleted, it is common for a person to numb themselves out in order to keep pushing to help the other. The problem wiht this is that it is not sustainable.
At the same time, I think we all need to feel that we did the right thing. So, my best advice is get to Al Anon Family meetings so that you can check yourself out weekly. Also, I'd say make sure you know what YOU need to stay strong and healthy and watch for signs of that slipping.
I guess the last thing I'll say is that even without addiction, there is a fine line between "helping" someone and mothering them. Sometimes this sets up a strange situation where a man likes that you help him and hates that your help makes him feel like a child. So for both your benefit, I'd say make sure you let him do for himself absolutely everything that he can do for himself.
Best of luck and prayers that you b/f really does get clean.
Beyond that - from my experience, the instant you are working one iota harder on helping the addict than they are on helping themselves, you have stepped onto a very slippery slope. And, the second you are working harder to help them than you are focusing on taking care of yourself, you're really in trouble.
When a person puts a lot of energy into helping someone get clean, grow up and whatever else, once they become depleted, it is common for a person to numb themselves out in order to keep pushing to help the other. The problem wiht this is that it is not sustainable.
At the same time, I think we all need to feel that we did the right thing. So, my best advice is get to Al Anon Family meetings so that you can check yourself out weekly. Also, I'd say make sure you know what YOU need to stay strong and healthy and watch for signs of that slipping.
I guess the last thing I'll say is that even without addiction, there is a fine line between "helping" someone and mothering them. Sometimes this sets up a strange situation where a man likes that you help him and hates that your help makes him feel like a child. So for both your benefit, I'd say make sure you let him do for himself absolutely everything that he can do for himself.
Best of luck and prayers that you b/f really does get clean.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
This may sound harsh so I'm sorry but I think you might need a little reality check. YOU are not a treatment program!
Reading your post makes me so sad. It sure sounds like you are going to be spending alot of precious time monitoring his drug use. Yikes. And what if he lies to you about using? Maybe you'll need to buy drug tests. Drug users lie, ya know. It's part of their MO. You should maybe read more on this site. On any site. Maybe talk to a real drug and alcohol counselor or maybe go to some NA meetings yourself and ask other recovering addicts what they think of your plan. What the heck. Bring your boyfriend!
Isn't there anything YOU want out of life (besides to get your bf to stop using drugs)? Just imagine EVERYTHING you could accomplish, if you took all the energy you are putting into trying to cure your boyfriends drug problem, and put it into your OWN goals, dreams and future.
Is there anything about yourself you want to work on or improve? Maybe fix those things first, and then help your boyfriend. Sometimes it's too easy to focus on other peoples problems instead of our own. Kind of takes the pressure off us actually having to do anything for ourselves...
The only other thing I have to say is that unless you are a professional drug and alcohol counselor you are really getting in over your head on this. If he doesn't use drugs does that make you successful? And if he does, will that make you feel like a failure??? Because in the end, the only person we can control is ourselves. Don't forget that... ok.
Good luck.
Reading your post makes me so sad. It sure sounds like you are going to be spending alot of precious time monitoring his drug use. Yikes. And what if he lies to you about using? Maybe you'll need to buy drug tests. Drug users lie, ya know. It's part of their MO. You should maybe read more on this site. On any site. Maybe talk to a real drug and alcohol counselor or maybe go to some NA meetings yourself and ask other recovering addicts what they think of your plan. What the heck. Bring your boyfriend!
Isn't there anything YOU want out of life (besides to get your bf to stop using drugs)? Just imagine EVERYTHING you could accomplish, if you took all the energy you are putting into trying to cure your boyfriends drug problem, and put it into your OWN goals, dreams and future.
Is there anything about yourself you want to work on or improve? Maybe fix those things first, and then help your boyfriend. Sometimes it's too easy to focus on other peoples problems instead of our own. Kind of takes the pressure off us actually having to do anything for ourselves...
The only other thing I have to say is that unless you are a professional drug and alcohol counselor you are really getting in over your head on this. If he doesn't use drugs does that make you successful? And if he does, will that make you feel like a failure??? Because in the end, the only person we can control is ourselves. Don't forget that... ok.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
I see you moving closer to the eye of the storm. Please be aware of resentments on both of your sides - so make sure you keep your side of the street clean!
That's great you have a plan...... you should do a daily blog about it. I think that will help you too - with processing all of it and also a release.
I totally get what you are saying. I've been there - done that - and I think the longest I was able to deal / cope was 72 hours of it............. because with addicts things change very quickly!
And the saying is VERY true-------- how do you know when an addict is lying - their lips are moving. I didn't want to believe it.......... but it's true. Again - addict literally have a rule book - however- when in the throws of active addiction - they don't even realize it! However, through much ESH here - I have learned that my guy is really no different in his addict behavior than any other addict - except - at times - not as bad - for example - he has had no run ins with the law - YET; does not steal - YET......... but he lies a whole bunch ...... and is a terrible liar at that~! My problem is that when I know he is lying and I confront him on it - he then makes me feel like the crazy one!
Again - got a good plan - keep us updated here. My thoughts and prayers are going out to you both!
That's great you have a plan...... you should do a daily blog about it. I think that will help you too - with processing all of it and also a release.
I totally get what you are saying. I've been there - done that - and I think the longest I was able to deal / cope was 72 hours of it............. because with addicts things change very quickly!
And the saying is VERY true-------- how do you know when an addict is lying - their lips are moving. I didn't want to believe it.......... but it's true. Again - addict literally have a rule book - however- when in the throws of active addiction - they don't even realize it! However, through much ESH here - I have learned that my guy is really no different in his addict behavior than any other addict - except - at times - not as bad - for example - he has had no run ins with the law - YET; does not steal - YET......... but he lies a whole bunch ...... and is a terrible liar at that~! My problem is that when I know he is lying and I confront him on it - he then makes me feel like the crazy one!
Again - got a good plan - keep us updated here. My thoughts and prayers are going out to you both!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
you should do a daily blog about it. I think that will help you too
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Here's my approach...YOU GO GIRL!
And have a backup plan, just for you.
Perhaps give yourself a time limit.....
Believe me, I have been there, I just KNEW I could love both of my sons clean, yep, I was positive that if I steered the course, and hoped and prayed, and tried to keep control of all of THEIR stuff, it would work.
What I didn't realize was that all that work would drive me to the edge of crazy, and I HAD to let go to save ME.
And funny thing is, when I DID finally hit MY bottom, and let go...somehow things started to get a lot better, for them and me.
But hope and prayer...I've always kept that!
And have a backup plan, just for you.
Perhaps give yourself a time limit.....
Believe me, I have been there, I just KNEW I could love both of my sons clean, yep, I was positive that if I steered the course, and hoped and prayed, and tried to keep control of all of THEIR stuff, it would work.
What I didn't realize was that all that work would drive me to the edge of crazy, and I HAD to let go to save ME.
And funny thing is, when I DID finally hit MY bottom, and let go...somehow things started to get a lot better, for them and me.
But hope and prayer...I've always kept that!
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
(((((((hopingicanhelp)))))))))
You remind me of me about 6 months ago. I too had a plan, basicly I was going to love my AH clean. I have read every book and every article imaginable on drug addiction in hopes of "helping" by AH in his recovery. I woke him up in the mornings so that he could get to his meetings on time, I made his appointments for the counsler that we both attended. I did all these things in vain though because "I" did them not him.
My AH and I had a deal, he was going to tell me everytime that he relapsed, that way I could be there to pick up up after the fall. Oh I went to alanon meetings but not because I tbought that I needed to be there but because I thought that maybe I would find all the answers to help my AH.
Fast forward to six months later.....
I now realize that I cannot nor will I ever love my AH clean. I can read and read and read up on drug addiction and while that helps me to understand this horrible disease, it does nothing for my husband. My husband relapsed, did he tell me? No way, he lied about it and then lied about it some more.
I now go to alanon meetings and on occasion to an open NA meeting for myself. I cannot help him, work his program, nor find him a sponsor but I can do these things for myself.
I know that you love your BF, and I think it's very noble of you to want to help him but the truth is you can't help him, he can only help himself. If you truly want to help him step aside and let him fall. If your BF truly wants to get sober he will. If he truly wants to quit using drugs he will walk into an AA or NA meeting on his own accord, find a sponsor and work the program. All the love and support in the world will not do this for him.
Sadly things can and will get worse. I hope this is not the case for you but I have seen it on this board time and time again and I have lived through this hell myself. When an addict is actively using they will lie, cheat, steal, manipulate and make you feel like you are going crazy.
Don't every give up hope, none of us do. As bad as things may be for me, I still have not given up hope. I have just given up on helping the addict and enabling his addiction. I will support his recovery efforts all day long, that is if he puts forth the effort but I will no longer support his addiction.
Keep posting and reading here and go to some meetings.. you will find the support and strength you need.
You remind me of me about 6 months ago. I too had a plan, basicly I was going to love my AH clean. I have read every book and every article imaginable on drug addiction in hopes of "helping" by AH in his recovery. I woke him up in the mornings so that he could get to his meetings on time, I made his appointments for the counsler that we both attended. I did all these things in vain though because "I" did them not him.
My AH and I had a deal, he was going to tell me everytime that he relapsed, that way I could be there to pick up up after the fall. Oh I went to alanon meetings but not because I tbought that I needed to be there but because I thought that maybe I would find all the answers to help my AH.
Fast forward to six months later.....
I now realize that I cannot nor will I ever love my AH clean. I can read and read and read up on drug addiction and while that helps me to understand this horrible disease, it does nothing for my husband. My husband relapsed, did he tell me? No way, he lied about it and then lied about it some more.
I now go to alanon meetings and on occasion to an open NA meeting for myself. I cannot help him, work his program, nor find him a sponsor but I can do these things for myself.
I know that you love your BF, and I think it's very noble of you to want to help him but the truth is you can't help him, he can only help himself. If you truly want to help him step aside and let him fall. If your BF truly wants to get sober he will. If he truly wants to quit using drugs he will walk into an AA or NA meeting on his own accord, find a sponsor and work the program. All the love and support in the world will not do this for him.
Sadly things can and will get worse. I hope this is not the case for you but I have seen it on this board time and time again and I have lived through this hell myself. When an addict is actively using they will lie, cheat, steal, manipulate and make you feel like you are going crazy.
Don't every give up hope, none of us do. As bad as things may be for me, I still have not given up hope. I have just given up on helping the addict and enabling his addiction. I will support his recovery efforts all day long, that is if he puts forth the effort but I will no longer support his addiction.
Keep posting and reading here and go to some meetings.. you will find the support and strength you need.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: forest city
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by jerect
(((((((hopingicanhelp)))))))))
I know that you love your BF, and I think it's very noble of you to want to help him but the truth is you can't help him, he can only help himself. If you truly want to help him step aside and let him fall. If your BF truly wants to get sober he will. If he truly wants to quit using drugs he will walk into an AA or NA meeting on his own accord, find a sponsor and work the program. All the love and support in the world will not do this for him.
I know that you love your BF, and I think it's very noble of you to want to help him but the truth is you can't help him, he can only help himself. If you truly want to help him step aside and let him fall. If your BF truly wants to get sober he will. If he truly wants to quit using drugs he will walk into an AA or NA meeting on his own accord, find a sponsor and work the program. All the love and support in the world will not do this for him.
I might not be able to do it for him, because lord knows if we could we all would and it would be over right? okay but if he want it, i can support him, i can be there, and one thing i believe is one program doesn't work for every person. everyone is diff so these meetings might be great for one person but we are not going that route because he's done it in the past, and it only made him use more because he thought about using more. all i'm saying is he is trying, so i'm gonna support, and encourage. and i'd rather research and educate myself than go listen to a bunch of people talk about addicts, which i can do at home on my computer. i dunno. thanks tho.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
[QUOTE=hopingicanhelp;1910125]I might not be able to do it for him, because lord knows if we could we all would and it would be over right? okay but if he want it, i can support him QUOTE]
Yes, You can support him, support him in recovery that is...
[QUOTE=hopingicanhelp;1910125]
but we are not going that route because he's done it in the past, and it only made him use more because he thought about using more. all i'm saying is he is trying, so i'm gonna support, and encourage. and i'd rather research and educate myself than go listen to a bunch of people talk about addicts, which i can do at home on my computer. i dunno. thanks tho. QUOTE]
You use the word's WE are not going to go that route. honey, I know you want to help him but this is not about YOU.. it's about him.. and it's not up to you to decide what program is right for your bf.. your BF has to decide that.. Like I posted earlier in this thread. You remind me so much of myself about 6 months ago. I had my hands all over my AH's program. Instead of helping him I was hurting him. My husband is still using to this day and all the "helping" in the world did not get him clean. Yes he went to meetings but those meetings did not make him use more.. he chose to use more all by himself.
Yes, you should be researching and educating yourself on addiction but not to help your BF, but instead to help you understand why you can't change or fix him. I'm not sure what meetings you are refering to that people sit around and talk about addicts at.. if you are refering to alanon or naranon, that is not the case. We don't talk about our addicts there we talk about ourselves and what we are doing to IMPROVE ourselves. Alanon is not about the addict, it's about US.
Take the focus off your bf and put it on yourself.. You are his girlfriend not his mother. I know you are only trying to help but take it from me, the more your micromanage his life and his recovery the more he is going to resent you and very possibly stilll use..
Yes, You can support him, support him in recovery that is...
[QUOTE=hopingicanhelp;1910125]
but we are not going that route because he's done it in the past, and it only made him use more because he thought about using more. all i'm saying is he is trying, so i'm gonna support, and encourage. and i'd rather research and educate myself than go listen to a bunch of people talk about addicts, which i can do at home on my computer. i dunno. thanks tho. QUOTE]
You use the word's WE are not going to go that route. honey, I know you want to help him but this is not about YOU.. it's about him.. and it's not up to you to decide what program is right for your bf.. your BF has to decide that.. Like I posted earlier in this thread. You remind me so much of myself about 6 months ago. I had my hands all over my AH's program. Instead of helping him I was hurting him. My husband is still using to this day and all the "helping" in the world did not get him clean. Yes he went to meetings but those meetings did not make him use more.. he chose to use more all by himself.
Yes, you should be researching and educating yourself on addiction but not to help your BF, but instead to help you understand why you can't change or fix him. I'm not sure what meetings you are refering to that people sit around and talk about addicts at.. if you are refering to alanon or naranon, that is not the case. We don't talk about our addicts there we talk about ourselves and what we are doing to IMPROVE ourselves. Alanon is not about the addict, it's about US.
Take the focus off your bf and put it on yourself.. You are his girlfriend not his mother. I know you are only trying to help but take it from me, the more your micromanage his life and his recovery the more he is going to resent you and very possibly stilll use..
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Prince Frederick, MD
Posts: 72
I am afraid the little gold stars on the calendar methods are not really good or bad, they are just irrelevant, unfortunately.
If undying love and support cured addiction (which we all wish it did), I don't think our world would have this problem.
On the other hand, I think the smiley faces on the calendar method might be the start of hopingIcanhelp's recovery- I think we all had to go through those stages. Personally I preferred the "just TELL me when you are going to drink and we'll work around it" method with my exAH.
If undying love and support cured addiction (which we all wish it did), I don't think our world would have this problem.
On the other hand, I think the smiley faces on the calendar method might be the start of hopingIcanhelp's recovery- I think we all had to go through those stages. Personally I preferred the "just TELL me when you are going to drink and we'll work around it" method with my exAH.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
I found this last night....... I wish I could put it in my signature to read whenever I find myself worrying or trying to help my guy.
I am faced with SO many of *MY* own issues and dilemmas. I'm in a bit of a state.... and my guy asked me what he has done wrong now..... and I told him that believe it or not... it is NOT to do with him!!!! BUT ME! The more I get caught up in his addiction... the more I lose site of my goals - my dreams - my bills- my health - my LIFE! And NOW ... it has all come to a head..... and I'm STRESSED OUT TO THE HILT! But I got one thing knocked out.... now it's time to get the other 29 things taken care of~!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Family/Friends/Loved Ones,
I am a drug abuser. I need help.
Don't solve my problems for me. This only makes me lose respect for you - and for myself.
Don't lecture, moralize, scold, blame, or argue whether I'm stoned or sober. It may make you feel better, but it only makes the situation worse.
Don't accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents my keeping them, even though I mean them at the time. Promises are only my way of postponing pain.
And don't keep switching agreements; if an agreement is made, stick to it.
Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of helping me.
Don't let your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself.
Don't believe everything I tell you. Often I don't even know the truth - let alone tell it.
Don't cover up or try to spare me the consequences of my using. It may reduce the crisis, but it will make my illness worse.
Above all, don't run away from reality as I do. Drug dependence, my illness, gets worse as my using continues.
Start now to learn, to understand, to plan for your own recovery. Find Families Anonymous, Nar-Anon, Al-Anon or CoDA; those groups exist to help families in just your situation.
I need help - from a doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, from some people in a self-help program who are in recovery from a drug problem themselves - and from a Power greater than myself.
Love,
Your "User"
I am faced with SO many of *MY* own issues and dilemmas. I'm in a bit of a state.... and my guy asked me what he has done wrong now..... and I told him that believe it or not... it is NOT to do with him!!!! BUT ME! The more I get caught up in his addiction... the more I lose site of my goals - my dreams - my bills- my health - my LIFE! And NOW ... it has all come to a head..... and I'm STRESSED OUT TO THE HILT! But I got one thing knocked out.... now it's time to get the other 29 things taken care of~!
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Dear Family/Friends/Loved Ones,
I am a drug abuser. I need help.
Don't solve my problems for me. This only makes me lose respect for you - and for myself.
Don't lecture, moralize, scold, blame, or argue whether I'm stoned or sober. It may make you feel better, but it only makes the situation worse.
Don't accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents my keeping them, even though I mean them at the time. Promises are only my way of postponing pain.
And don't keep switching agreements; if an agreement is made, stick to it.
Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of helping me.
Don't let your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself.
Don't believe everything I tell you. Often I don't even know the truth - let alone tell it.
Don't cover up or try to spare me the consequences of my using. It may reduce the crisis, but it will make my illness worse.
Above all, don't run away from reality as I do. Drug dependence, my illness, gets worse as my using continues.
Start now to learn, to understand, to plan for your own recovery. Find Families Anonymous, Nar-Anon, Al-Anon or CoDA; those groups exist to help families in just your situation.
I need help - from a doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, from some people in a self-help program who are in recovery from a drug problem themselves - and from a Power greater than myself.
Love,
Your "User"
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Being supportive does not mean doing things for the addict that they should do for themselves. Being supportive means that you believe that they can get well, but as with any illness, there will be setbacks--for you as well as for him. I remember very well always being two steps in front of my daughter, trying to prevent her mistakes and then when that became impossible I was two steps behind her cleaning up the mess. When I truly let go, she found recovery. And if she slips again, she will be the one cleaning up the mess. Hugs, Marle
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