Shivaya

My AH asked me for a divorce, and told me we would share the same attorney, and go through mediation. That this is what's best for all involved.

I told him no thank you, I'm getting my own attorney. I'm mtg. w/ atty next week.

We are a gazillion miles apart in what we want....he wants to sell the house (we have no equity), move to separate apts., have 50/50 custody of the kids.

I want to keep the house for now (until the market improves), and the kids and I stay here, I want at least 2 years to get my business established (I will get another job as well).

I have been a stay-at-home Mom for 10 years, and believe I deserve to be supported and stay in the house.

He says I want to continue living off his "dime" and that I could forget it!

So...mediation seems completely out of the question. He says I have not done "my job" for many years! Says I don't cook for him, I pay no attention to him, the only thing I do is his laundry!!!

Hello???? How about raising two absolutely outstanding children??? Hello???? How about cleaning up and covering up for an alcoholic and all the messes that go with that???

I need to get my documentation together....I know. I really only have a few pictures I think of him passed out, and of his drug paraphenalia, and I'm sure I could get people to testify about his drinking.

This is really happening.....I've read all the stories on here.....and now I'm living it......

I am strong, but I need to be smart as well. I need some of your strength!!!!

Shivaya

wish he'd quit

I cant say thank you enough for this post. You have given me strength more than you know in posting this. I am living this too. He claims that I don't deserve anything because I "do nothing." Well I have done the stuff that you have written then some. I covered up for him. I have taken care of him when he couldnt care for himself. I am raising 2 kids mostly on my own. He is a parent when he wants to be which is not often. Yes he has been a good provider but that is about it. I admit that I also wasnt the best wife I could have been. But I'm not the one that doesnt deserve anything. He is the one who doesnt deserve me.

At present time AH and I are sort of sharing the same attorney. We are supposed to be getting a disolussion. Im working on changing this. Its getting more complicated than I ever could have imagined. Here in a nut shell is what its comming down to... He is wanting to be a parent when it is convienent for him. He wants to pay as little as possible. He wants me to take the clause about him drinking during his custody of the kids out. None of this is acceptable. Its his choice how much of a parent he wants to be. I'd rather it not be so much right now since he has not received any sort of treatment. The clause is not comming out even if I get nothing else out of this. I also let him affect my thinking about what I deserve. We had a pretty set lifestyle. Nothing fancy but it was a "nice" one at the same time. I deserve to not go living a decent lifestyle to living below poverty level. I will be working, but I am in school. Staying until I graduate was not an option. My kids deserve better. I deserve better.

Spiritual Seeker

You sound strong and ready to stand up for your rights.
I do not believe in 50/50 custody.
Kids need one place to call home.
I fought my ex 22 yrs. ago and did not give up until he only got standard visitation rights.

So sorry your family has broken apart...there is nothing more sad.
You will survive at first...and then eventually thrive.

Blondie

Sounds familiar. I'm a stay-at-home mom too (we agreed on that before the kids were born). I am volunteering now and will get a job soon. My husband likes to sing the Kanya West "Goldigger Song" whenever I need money for medical bills or gas money. But really, it doesn't matter what he says because it is all quacking :chatter anyway and YOU know the truth. Try not to let him get to you, he is probably trying to make you feel like you don't deserve anything, but you know better. Good thing you got your own lawyer. Tell the lawyer what you want and work with him and see what can be done. Stay strong and don't give up.

Bernadette

He says I have not done "my job" for many years! Says I don't cook for him, I pay no attention to him, the only thing I do is his laundry!!!
Quackity Quack Quack Quack.

This is the great thing about having a lawyer. Your lawyer will be in REALITY with you while your stbxah continues to spin his fantasies & dramas.

You say you have a couple of pix of him passed out, and of drug paraphernalia. You have an honest narrative of a marriage undone by alcoholism and children who have lived in that unhealthy dynamic for too long. Your lawyer will see that REALITY and fight for you & your kids. You don't have to defend yourself any longer or argue with what stbxah says. In fact- not engaging at all might feel very satisfying at this point!

I've watched my A brothers immaturely destroy relationships with some pretty terrific women. There is an immaturity in them that I think I've noticed in lots of alcoholics. So when the stressful times come like a divorce - they really just don;t have the coping skills (their coping skill of choice being of course alcohol or drugs for so many years) and they quickly expose themselves as wildly unable to handle life on life's terms.

Let your lawyer know what he's quacking about so she/he will be prepared with whatever REALITY based evidence is necessary to refute his claims. He's trying to intimidate and scare you. But I think you know this!!

(((hugs))) and sending you a shot of courage and prayers for strength :praying

Peace,
B.

LaTeeDa

None of that means anything in California. I know. I lived it from the other side. He lived off my "dime" for years. I paid all the bills AND raised the kids and kept the house. He was still entitled to half of everything. As hard as it is, try to keep the emotion and the "who did what" out of it. You will get half. It's the law. And you are entitled to spousal support based on the length of the marriage. He can fight it, but he will lose. Just don't get so attached to the house that you give up other things that might be better for you in the long run.

This will be valuable in for custody and visitation purposes. Again, it all means nothing in property settlement/spousal support issues.

He is scared because he knows what you are entitled to. He is trying to intimidate you. Don't let him.

L

Barbara52

Yup, this is exactly why anyone getting a divorce needs their own attorney to be their advocate unless both parties agree on everything. Hire that attorney and let him/her do the fighting for you.

Jazzman

I can speak from experience here. An attempt at mediation is actually a very good idea. It's cheaper than getting into a legal stone casting fight between two attorneys, and if nothing more it would be a good realty check... for the both of you. A great opportunity to learn about the domestic laws of your state together, and how judges typically rule for your situation. There's no law that says you have to agree to the outcome of mediation, and even the mediator will(should) advise each to get their own counsel to review any agreements (written in pencil) before any legal agreements are inked in.

I his plan is to "cheap out" with the mediation and 50/50 suggestion it will become apparent soon enough.
And the worst thing that could happen is you try mediation and it gets you no where. The sad truth is all too often people end up throwing money at two different lawyers and end up hating each others guts and making life for the kids unbearable. And I'm sure that's not what either of you want.

I have my own experience an of course we each have our own situation, but I have 50/50 split with my children from my first marriage and to be honest I would not have had it any other way, no way in hell would I have agreed to anything else. Now my first marriage breakup was not alcohol or addiction related and my children's mother was in no way unhealthy for them. We were able to do an every other day arrangement because we still lived close to each other. There's no way I could have had an impact on my kids lives being a weekend dad, I needed to be involved in the day to day routine.
50/50 can work and it works well as long as the parent s are two reasonable adults.

All your friends will say I got the house and this much alimony and this much child support and you should use this pit bull lawyer and he's scum and you should rip him to shreds... yada, yada... Each persons situation is different and each person is willing to agree to different things. The truth is divorce is not about fair or what's just, it's about getting the kids and yourself into a healthier living environment. Good luck and keep us posted. This stuff is hard on everyone.

Pajarito

I think in a healthy marriage 50/50 custody can be possible. I don't feel that can be the case when one partner is a non-recovered or active alcoholic. As I stated before, my STBXAH actually told me and has agreed to having dd live with me- that's physical custody. BUT- he still has visitation. Your AH may be spouting off because he's scared, but in the long run your attorney will get to the bottom of it. I am sure he has dealt with plenty of alcoholics going through the court system- nothing your AH is trying is new, and your atty. will know just how to deal with it. Interestingly- in my case, we laid out what I wanted and that was sent to STBXAH (who is representing himself.) The tone of our request was very neutral. When his response came back to my attorney, she could see how irrational he is and then drew up her response- and boy was it completely different- no more neutral- more litigator. I think his colors came shining through loud and clear- and she responded. There can be no mediation in our case, because we can't agree to most things, so it will have to go to court. All I can do is ask for what I want and hope for the best. For instance- with our house- yes, I'd love to live there, but there's no way I can afford it. So, I'm going to have to move- and in this market I may get nothing for it, but I have to accept that.

All of the photos you have, and if you have any sort of other evidence of his addiction- dwis, treatment, hospitalization??? Any of that will show (IMHO) that he is not capable of having your kids live with him 50% of the time. You have been a stay at home mom- and at least in MN where I am that also means something. The court will want what is best for the children- always. If their stability comes from you, the court will weigh more in your favor- at least according to what my attorney has told me. Don't listen to your AH- I got a lot of the same crap thrown at me when STBXAH tried to talk to me about the divorce. I soon figured out it was best to say nothing. He can talk to my attorney if he wants to know something. I'm trying to look at this as a challenge to my codie behavior- all I can do is ask for what I want- number one is stability and a healthy environment for dd- and hope that it works out for the best. You can't control AH or what the court decides, but you can do your best to stand up for yourself and your kids.

And don't even get me started on the argument that you did nothing as a stay at home mom- that burns me. . . What you do/did is extremely valuable- and you may be entitled to some kind of maintenance (alimony). . . I'd ask.

Barbara52

Remember that there is legal custody and physical custody with all sort of combinations of the 2. One parent may have physical custody while both have legal custody (meaning joint decision making).

hadenoughnow

Having your own attorney does not stop you from going to mediation, it just means that you have legal representation. Most judges demand mediation if the parties cannot settle before a divorce can go to trial.

Jazzman

I'll say, my ex-aw couldn't handle the responsibility of a pet much less children.

That was part of the process for my second divorce. My ex-aw made it clear to all in the meeting that she was not going to fare well if she were standing in front of a judge. It served as a good reality check for her.

Startingover2

I am also living this nightmare too...with a 5 month old baby no less.

The material things such as your home and assets will be split 50/50 that is just the law. The child support is based off of a formula and they plug in numbers.

Now, the custody and what is healthy for your kids is what I would put my engery in fighting. No way in heck do I want my daughter going with H until he is sober and completed some sort of treatment for a length of time. I don't buy 'I quit' anymore. Thankfully I have some DUI history on him that will hopefully help. Gather what you can. They will ask you to recall incidents etc for the declaration. Be factual and unemotional.

Yes, they need to have access to the other parent but when they are active A's they need to be supervised and controlled. We are doing this to save and protect our kids, not make them suffer anymore.

Sorry if it sounded harsh.

uncertainty

I, too am struggling with this issue. My AH went to AA, and was sober for 8 months and then starting drinking again. It was not just one slip up, he was drinking for about three months, and when I realized it, I did not confront him, but rather called his sponsor. He is telling me that he is going to get 50/50 custody, and that his attorney said that hs relapse does not matter, as long as he didnt do anything bad...... He has driven drunk with the kids in the car previously and has been abusive to both the children and I.( i have a picture of where he put a hand print on my sons back). He says that doesnt matter either, because it was almost a year ago..... My childrens safety has to be my number one concern!!! I am just wondering how the courts will look at things, and I worry if there is any possibility that he is right.

Barbara52

What does your attorney say? The rest is unimportant.

rkymtncowboy

All my friends in California that have gotten a divorce had to let the wife stay in the house because of the kids. Get the attorney and don't believe your A, he is scr3wed. Especially with 10 years in the marriage.