cherrygirl30

I just found this board and it looks like a good place to meet some new people who might know what i'm going through and who might be able to give me some good advice... I'll try to keep it as short as possible, but that's gonna be hard so forgive me... Basically, I was dating this guy who was 39 (i'm 32 now) for 6 months. We knew each other for about a year before that. We broke up in November 2007, and he started seeing a girl from his past, so both of them were pot/prescription drug addicts feeding off each other. I myself and not addicted to anything chemical, but I do however think I suffer from "love addiction" or "people addiction" or codependence... I dont know. Anyway, this guy had alot of addictions, you name it. Pot, alcohol (thats a huge one), prescription drugs, women, porn, he's a huge liar and cheater (when we were dating I found emails to other women making dates, and one time I found another woman's underwear behind his bed). All the times he denied it making excuses. Anyway, this past month we started talking again. We saw each other a few times, and he blew up at me the other night because I told him I felt that he was just using me as a cusion, someone to cry to and that I still had feelings left over from when we first went out and that if he had no intention of getting well and if he had no feelings for me other than as a friend that he needed to be fair to me and tell me so. I said I would have no problem being a friend, but I just wanted to know where I stood. So he goes off on this rant, says "you dont own me" blah blah blah... He gave me this excuse about "i'm not ready to be with anyone right now" yet he goes online and posts new shirtless pics of himself and writes "looking for last girlfriend". Thats how the fight started. I confronted him on that and told him to just be a man and be honest with me. So basically the next day (last night) I go online and see him on. I didnt say anything, as we had already made up that we werent going to talk anymore. But get this... HE BLOCKED ME!!! Now my question is this... I'm no longer concerned with him and his sickness anymore, as he has already proven that he doesnt even WANT to change his addictive unhealthy ways. My question/concern is why does this bother me so much?? Why do I feel so drawn to this unhealthy addict who was abusive to me in a few ways and just treated me so poorly?? It shouldnt even phase me, right? I should be glad to be rid of him! He affected my life so badly in so many ways, I cant even get into that now... But why is it then that i'm so hurt and even worse, feeling the feelings of withdrawal that I would bet an addict feels when their substance of choice is no longer available to them?? I'm so confused!

prodigal

I think your answer lies in this last part of your post. Codependency is like the addict's substance addiction; different sides of the same coin.

You hit him with the truth and he got angry and defensive. You wanted him to stand up to the plate and be honest. You wanted to get the response from him you desired.

The problem with that is that he is dishonest. He lies. He manipulates. He does not want to change. He chooses to live the way he does. You cannot change that, regardless of how much truth you throw his way.

I was married to an A who was just like this. While he was coming over to my apartment and attempting a "reconciliation" I accidently found his big mug plastered on a number of Internet dating sites, stating he was looking for his "soulmate." My ex did not accept honesty or truth in his life. For all I know, he's still lying to unsuspecting women.

Perhaps you should give Al-Anon and/or counseling a try. I think you realize what sort of guy you were involved with. Now would be a good time to figure out why you have allowed someone who lacks integrity and honesty to hurt you so badly.

Barbara52

Welcome!

The whys relate to who you are and the behaviors you have learned over your lifetime. Explore those behaviors and you will find your way to a better future where you make better choices.

I strongly recommend Codependent No More. Its been a real eye opener for me and many others in here.

Keep reading and posting. THis place can be a great palce for support, understanding and information.