Strange happenings last night
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Strange happenings last night
Last night was night two on my own, and the strangest thing happened. As some of you know the AH is in the process of dealing with child support enforcement. For years, my AH has not spoken to his kids from his first marriage. He has a restraining order against her and we had been taking care not to be published in the phone book due to her craziness of old. He was always afraid of her.
His ExW was also an A and they went through some drama with child services over it. To make a long story short, the kids were put in foster care temporarily and it was a race to see who would finish their program first to get them back into custody. He didn’t follow through and she did. Eight years ago, while she was still active, she would call and threaten and stalk and withhold the children from him. I was only 23 at the time and also active in substance addiction. Can you imagine all these dysfunctional people at each other throats?
Then they moved to NJ, and she filed for support. For years, my AH was bitter and sad because he felt he couldn’t speak to the children. I always insisted he make an effort to do so even if it meant taking her back to court. There were his kids too after all…He never did this…he merely would lament the loss.
Last night at home, she called the house. I am unlisted, so I am unsure how she got the number. She wanted to know if the AH was going to pay his support. At first I told her that he moved out, and she didn’t believe me…however, when I stated that he said he did and he was living in his car…this poured out a whole civil and enlightening conversation between us.
For an hour and a half, we spoke my AH, and I realize that the cycle merely continued from her to me. Since she is in recovery for many years, she was able to admit her participation in the demise of their marriage. She also stated that the AH was a good, sensitive person, and when they were married, a good father to their children…stating that he took care of the children when she was unable to because of her addiction. BUT she stated that he was his own worst enemy, and he has been living in this vicious cycle his entire life….He needs strong women who try to rescue him…He tries to get on the bandwagon by making half hearted attempts at sobriety (like abstinence by no recovery)…then he can’t maintain…he begins to hide activities that include drinking, drugging, hanging out with questionable people, erratic behavior….ultimately, he ends up out on the street living in his car….
She has also dealt with a stream of jobs that he couldn’t maintain….suicide attempts….psychiatric wards…his insecurities…attempt to try to fix his family relationships, self improvements, etc…his inability to pay bills, handle money responsibility, and deadlines, his mounting paranoia …serious depression and on and on. In the end, he spent all his money…had mysterious numbers calling…sexual relationships with other women…out all night…etc. The saddest thing is that she too felt that at heart he was a good person who never dealt with the severe abuse that he encountered in his childhood, and she tried to save him and give him love that he said he always wanted. In the end, she said she couldn’t keep it together anymore (not to mention she had her own demons to contend with). This not only happened with her, but with the woman previous to her. She also contended with the drama that the end of his previous relationship brought, much in the same way I did with theirs.
She said that she wishes that the AH would call his children. From what she said that they have no idea about what is going on with him and they are still yearning to know him and love him. She said that despite the money he owes that he is still able to speak and visit them and be a part of their lives. I told her that I would tell him this when I speak to him again. I said that it was too bad that we didn’t have this conversation years ago because maybe this would have made a difference, at least in the children’s lives.
This was very conflicting for me. I know that I couldn’t save him because my recovery has taught me this, but this was the first time it wasn’t just in theory. It was actual. The evidence of the cycle was right there in my face. What I heard last night was too familiar not to be true. Nothing I said or did was going to save this man. My love wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. He has allowed himself to miss out on so much. It was liberating in a sense to have this knowledge and sad in another. I will pass the information along once I speak to him again. I did not make a special phone call to him to tell him about this because that will entrench me back in. I will let time decide by his decision to contact me even though my first reaction was to call him...
His ExW was also an A and they went through some drama with child services over it. To make a long story short, the kids were put in foster care temporarily and it was a race to see who would finish their program first to get them back into custody. He didn’t follow through and she did. Eight years ago, while she was still active, she would call and threaten and stalk and withhold the children from him. I was only 23 at the time and also active in substance addiction. Can you imagine all these dysfunctional people at each other throats?
Then they moved to NJ, and she filed for support. For years, my AH was bitter and sad because he felt he couldn’t speak to the children. I always insisted he make an effort to do so even if it meant taking her back to court. There were his kids too after all…He never did this…he merely would lament the loss.
Last night at home, she called the house. I am unlisted, so I am unsure how she got the number. She wanted to know if the AH was going to pay his support. At first I told her that he moved out, and she didn’t believe me…however, when I stated that he said he did and he was living in his car…this poured out a whole civil and enlightening conversation between us.
For an hour and a half, we spoke my AH, and I realize that the cycle merely continued from her to me. Since she is in recovery for many years, she was able to admit her participation in the demise of their marriage. She also stated that the AH was a good, sensitive person, and when they were married, a good father to their children…stating that he took care of the children when she was unable to because of her addiction. BUT she stated that he was his own worst enemy, and he has been living in this vicious cycle his entire life….He needs strong women who try to rescue him…He tries to get on the bandwagon by making half hearted attempts at sobriety (like abstinence by no recovery)…then he can’t maintain…he begins to hide activities that include drinking, drugging, hanging out with questionable people, erratic behavior….ultimately, he ends up out on the street living in his car….
She has also dealt with a stream of jobs that he couldn’t maintain….suicide attempts….psychiatric wards…his insecurities…attempt to try to fix his family relationships, self improvements, etc…his inability to pay bills, handle money responsibility, and deadlines, his mounting paranoia …serious depression and on and on. In the end, he spent all his money…had mysterious numbers calling…sexual relationships with other women…out all night…etc. The saddest thing is that she too felt that at heart he was a good person who never dealt with the severe abuse that he encountered in his childhood, and she tried to save him and give him love that he said he always wanted. In the end, she said she couldn’t keep it together anymore (not to mention she had her own demons to contend with). This not only happened with her, but with the woman previous to her. She also contended with the drama that the end of his previous relationship brought, much in the same way I did with theirs.
She said that she wishes that the AH would call his children. From what she said that they have no idea about what is going on with him and they are still yearning to know him and love him. She said that despite the money he owes that he is still able to speak and visit them and be a part of their lives. I told her that I would tell him this when I speak to him again. I said that it was too bad that we didn’t have this conversation years ago because maybe this would have made a difference, at least in the children’s lives.
This was very conflicting for me. I know that I couldn’t save him because my recovery has taught me this, but this was the first time it wasn’t just in theory. It was actual. The evidence of the cycle was right there in my face. What I heard last night was too familiar not to be true. Nothing I said or did was going to save this man. My love wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. He has allowed himself to miss out on so much. It was liberating in a sense to have this knowledge and sad in another. I will pass the information along once I speak to him again. I did not make a special phone call to him to tell him about this because that will entrench me back in. I will let time decide by his decision to contact me even though my first reaction was to call him...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Its good you have yet more confirmation of what you already knew, that his alcoholism is his to deal with and that YOU are not in anyway responsible. I know getting outside confirmation does help reinforce your own learnings. Keep up the good work.
As an aside, when you do talk to him, limit your conversation to the facts and leave out the urge to press him to do anything one way or the other. JMO.
As an aside, when you do talk to him, limit your conversation to the facts and leave out the urge to press him to do anything one way or the other. JMO.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Well I'm glad and sorry you heard all this, it hurts but it also helps to let go. Hang in there, one day at a time. I know how I felt when I got my validation/history about my exAH.
I still like writing that, EX. Take care, K
I still like writing that, EX. Take care, K
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
God's looking after you eh? Who could've planned that?
My head use to tell me that I was the 'only one' my A's had problems with so I'd just better be more loving, tolerant, kinder whatever. I have no idea what my mind based that actual information on, but that is what it told me and I believed it, for a long time.....
I've had the chance to be involved with this guy who is not an A, for the last year or so, but have continually back off. In recent weeks I've just put a complete stop to it. He has kids with a previous partner that he rarely see's and despite the fact I know from personally expereince how crazy I can be (as a woman and a mother) I could never justify to myself him not seeing them or having anything to do with them, apart from paying child support. I'm not acting as judge or jury but rather choosing, not to have people like that in my life. For some it would be okay, but I can't get comfortable with it......
My head use to tell me that I was the 'only one' my A's had problems with so I'd just better be more loving, tolerant, kinder whatever. I have no idea what my mind based that actual information on, but that is what it told me and I believed it, for a long time.....
I've had the chance to be involved with this guy who is not an A, for the last year or so, but have continually back off. In recent weeks I've just put a complete stop to it. He has kids with a previous partner that he rarely see's and despite the fact I know from personally expereince how crazy I can be (as a woman and a mother) I could never justify to myself him not seeing them or having anything to do with them, apart from paying child support. I'm not acting as judge or jury but rather choosing, not to have people like that in my life. For some it would be okay, but I can't get comfortable with it......
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
silverberry,
I had a similar conversation with my XABF's ex-wife, and she gave me a similar revelation: that he'd been the way he is all along, with me, with her, with the one before her. She even showed me a letter he'd written to her, full of love and promises, and it was nearly identical to one he'd written me. I got a cold chill.
Take this gift from the universe and study it well: She is telling you his patterns, and they are patterns you're powerless to change. Your only option in the matter is whether you want his patterns to victimize YOU any more.
Hugs,
GL
I had a similar conversation with my XABF's ex-wife, and she gave me a similar revelation: that he'd been the way he is all along, with me, with her, with the one before her. She even showed me a letter he'd written to her, full of love and promises, and it was nearly identical to one he'd written me. I got a cold chill.
Take this gift from the universe and study it well: She is telling you his patterns, and they are patterns you're powerless to change. Your only option in the matter is whether you want his patterns to victimize YOU any more.
Hugs,
GL
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