hopeintahoe

I have been with my AH wife for 16 years now, she is working on recovery now, in rehab for 45 days. What is getting to me is all the anger my 13 year old girl is throwing at me. Says that she hates me, I'm to protective of her, stay out of her life, so on and so on, This is really hurting me because I have been the one not drinking. I am just asking if anyone has gone through this with a child. I do fell that she is mad because I spent so much time trying to get mom sober, I know this does not work, I think my kid fells I was just not there for her. She says she hopes when her mother gets back that we will split up so her and her mom came get away from me. Any help would be great, I love this child and want to help in some way.

LaTeeDa

I've been through it with a child, and as a child. I still have issues with my mom to this day. (See my thread--Where it all began...)

Anyway, the most important thing you can do is make sure you are doing what needs to be done to recover. Sixteen years with an alcoholic takes its toll, and no doubt you have been affected. So has your daughter. It's not just the alcoholic who needs to recover from alcoholism, it's the whole family.

Alanon, Alateen, and individual counseling can all be helpful. Best wishes to you and your family.

L

theotherone

I think that any age with "teen" at the end of it, will have some degree of drama, angst, hormones or growing pains, let alone throwing alcohol into the mix. I know in my experience, the one not drinking can be as harmful as the drinker themselves. Trying to control the drinker and the effects made me unstable and at times unpredictable. Keeping the lines of communication open and outside counseling has helped me and mine tremendously. Hang in there and others will be along with their own experience and words of wisdom.
C

Barbara52

Ah, the teen years. They are bad enough without the added difficulties of addicition and codependency. I strongly suggest individual counsleing for her and family thereapy for all of you. It can be immensely helpful for all of you in learning to repair the damage from the past and to learn healthier ways to relate to each other.

Cassey

I have my third child just going into her preteens, its a wonder i am starting to get gray. Yikes

That is the age that both of my older kids really started pushing for their independence. I dont think I could have done anything right, and of course I didnt know anything.

They are way more into their friends and really wanted not a whole heck of alot to do with me, except money and rides. (man I hope this is normal) if not my kids are bad, really bad. I found that mine were really selfish, it was all about them and what they needed and wanted. I really think this is normal

No, help around the house, and they are the biggest slobs ever.

I am trying to determine when if ever do they start thinking hmmmmmmmm, maybe mom was right. My oldest is 19 and she thinks I am really out there. Hey (maybe I am)

I just try to take it one day at a time!!!

Bernadette

Do you talk to her honestly and openly about alcoholism and Mom's alcoholism and how that affected you? And asked her to honestly share what she thinks the effects on her life have been? Without offering solutions or saying you see it differently? Just listening?

She's still a kid, but she's entering into that stage of development where she needs to find out who she is. She's done hearing it from adults! But she's left w/ a problem...who is she? She doesn't know. So she will be looking to her peer group and groups outside of the family for ideas, validation, experimentation. This is all normal human development.

Maybe can you sit with her quietly, call a little Dad/daughter meeting and with pen and paper in hand write down some of the things she thinks you are too strict about. Don't comment on the list while you're making it - just write it down.

Then go through them and see if you can compromise on some of them. There will be obvious ones where you will say - No Way, that line cannot be moved. But there may be some places where you are not giving her enough autonomy and not trusting her enough. You can give her a chance to move ahead if she is showing maturity and responsibility.

For example - curfew. If she feels it is too early you could compromise and say- but you still need to check in w/ me at Xpm and if you are more than 15 minutes late two times in a month then I get to shave some of your time off the curfew.

Limit setting - followed by consequence for pushing the limit.

When it is all written down and agreed on then you don't have to have any drama when the limit is pushed - if she argues just say - "Hey here was the deal." And offer her (as long as she is not hurting herself or into any serious trouble) a way to regain her privelages.

At 13 the old parental style of "I say it - you do it" just completely stops working!! You have to engage their will somehow. And you certainly want to be sending the signal that you trust them and you are there for them if they do screw up - not to punish but to make sure the entire weight of the consequences fall on their shoulders, and that you are not an I told YOu so person in their life but a "hey what do you think went wrong here and how can it work out better next time?"

I literally just got home for lunch from my Human Growth & Development class in Nursing School- and we spent 3 hours reading and talking about adolescence. It was eye-opening.

I also love the Book Your 10 -14 year old by Ames, Ilg, Baker - it's a great guide based on where your kid is at in their development.

Good Luck-- No easy or magic answers...

Remember she may lash out at you BECAUSE you have been the safe parent - it is safe for her to express her real feelings with you - she may act very different with AMom because she is trying not to upset her and lead her to drink. Children of alcoholics actually do believe they can affect whether or not the Aparent will drink or have a bad day or have a mood etc. It's a common affliction among children of alcoholics! Also do you exhibit a lot of the behaviors of the codependent? A codie parent is tough on a kid as well...the very worst of my parenting days w/ my 2 teens usually stem from raging unchecked codie behavior - learned from my Mom and from wishing I could control my 3 alkie brothers. A lot of codie behavior is "control-related" so you might want to look into that!

Plus she's a teenager - sometimes you just have to put up your umbrella - let her storm blow by!

Peace,
B

mallowcup

At 13, I think many parents make the mistake of wanting to be their childs freind rather than parent. I Thnik most 13 year old "hate" most everything about their parents and their unfair lives. It is the line between being a kid and being a young woman. They have the desire to be more adult with out the judgement. Why don't you start with some compromise. Give her some slack and be sure she knows that her behavior and maturity will determine which direction her freedoms will go.
This is a difficult age for all kids and all parents.
Be willing to be hated. A 13 year old has no clue. I would find safe ways to show that you recognize her as a maturing young woman.
I deal with many girls and boys this age and most of them hate me. The first sign of being an adult is to respect your elders.
It's a difficult time for all parents and I'm afraid too many allow them selves to be manipulated as it makes their houses quieter. I think from about 13-16, almost everything is a fight.