tormented22267

So, it's been two weeks since I officially broke up w/ABF. It's still been a bit of a roller coaster; except I'd say I'm on the 'kiddie' coaster now as opposed to being on the 'Top Thrill Dragster' at Cedar Pointe. Still on a coaster, but it's not as big & fast, and doesn't hurt my stomach nearly as much.

I'd like to think I'm making progress. I told him that for me to even consider taking him back, he would have to stay sober, and attend an AA meeting for 90 days. I told him that was for me and my piece of mind. He was an adult, and if he did not want to stay sober and/or go to AA, then that was his choice. Either way, I wasn't going to base my life anymore on what he did - I was using this next 90 days to start getting healthy and I hoped that he would do the same, but if he didn't that was his choice.

I do not call him, but do talk to him if he calls me. My boundary is the phone. If he'd like to talk, he can call me - but, he cannot come over my house, we are definately not going out anywhere together, and he cannot call me until after my son is in bed (as far as my son knows, W and I have not spoken in 2 weeks and I want to keep it that way). If he calls and begins his quacking, manipulative, guilting ways - I calmly tell him I'm sorry he feels/thinks this or that, but I will not be pulled into an argument with him, and I will hang up.

I've gotten pretty good at this actually. It makes me feel good about myself. I'll just be like, sorry, quacking is starting again, gotta go. But, do it in a nice, calm manner.

In the meantime, I have been working on me. I read the posts on here every single day. I'm reading my Al-Alon and Codependent No More books, and I'm praying every night to my HP giving all my worries up to him to take care of (trying to anyway!). I've been spending fun, quality time with my son. I taught him to play Yatzee, so that's the game of the night now (sorry to say, but my 7 yr old has been kicking my butt!! ). I've been busy at work and have a few projects going on there, so that helps. And, I've been walking alot. I'm walking in a 60 mile Breast Cancer 3 Day walk in two weeks, so I've been walking alot to train for that.

All in all, the last two weeks have been the most peaceful two weeks I've had in years. Yes, I have still talked to the A, but have kept my boundaries. He's tried his manipulation games, but I have stayed strong.

I've been playing Tug of War w/him for years now. To me, it's like we've been pulling so much, almost all of those strands in the rope have broken...but, there's still that one little strand left in the middle of that rope. I'm working on breaking that last strand. But, am proud of all the strands I have broken until now.

Thank you for letting me share.

I wish all of you a peaceful day!!

C

Rella927

Tormented....just a thought instead of reading Al-Anon books how about possibly attending a meeting or two?

IMHO When I laid down to my XABF that if he did not get into a recovery program that
we were over...he did not hear me-When I finally decided that I need to work on myself and his behavior was totally unacceptable to my recovery I had to move on and let him go....I tried the "Only talking to him on the phone" and each time that I did that we would have great convos and then some very sour ones. My progress came when I decided to let him do what he needed to do be it recovery or continue drinking....

I have learned that I cannot tell someone what to do...I can tell them what I will accept in my life however it is up to them to decide if they are capable of it or not. If they are not then I need to do what is right for myself.

Possible to keep the convos to strictly about your son?

It sounds as if you know what you want ...now go get it! Keep up that strength

bookwyrm

Tormented, thanks for the encouraging post! You sound so sure and strong..

Learning how

Tormented, sounds like you are taking care of you. Enjoy you time with your son, they grow up so fast.