Blondie

A few years ago when my husband found out that I was going to al-anon, he told one of his “buddies” at the bar. This buddy then told my AH that now that I was in al-anon, my husband’s fun times would be over.

I found that interesting. I thought to myself “how can his fun be over when I’m not giving him a hard time about drinking anymore and am concentrating on myself more and not bugging him? It was then that I realized how wrapped up in my AH’s problems I had become. He was like the center of my universe. I had no life anymore - because I was so focused on him and his problems all of the time. He didn’t have to take responsability for his actions, I would make excuses and lie to relatives and neighbors and “cover” for him. I would take the blame for everything and go back for more because I thought I could control his drinking. I would plead with him not to drink anymore and I would make empty threats to leave if he did not stop, and I would try to get inside of his head and figure out what he was thinking. Boy was I busy, but the only thing I accomplished was making myself feel crazy and putting up with a grown man that acted like a spoiled 12 year old.

Then came al-non, counseling, SR, and a lot of books and all of that changed. I was changing and growing and my AH hated it. I wouldn’t take responsibility for him anymore and I would not shoulder the blame for anything that was not truly my fault. I treated him like a grown man (even though he didn’t act like one). At first he threw tantrums and stayed out more to “punish” me and try to get me “back in line,” but I stood my ground. I have come a long way, but I still have a lot of traveling to do. I’ve been working on it for a few years now and have had more then a few missteps along the way, but I’m not giving up.

Has my AH stopped drinking because I went to al-anon, etc? Of course not, but I now have started to have a life of my own and am learning to interact with other people again. I stopped obsessing about trying not to make other people angry and I show my emotions more. I had been raised to believe that what I felt was wrong and that the greatest sin you could commit was making other people angry or disappointed. Now I’ve been working on those old tapes in my head, and it takes a lot of work, but it has been well worth it. I finally have developed a sense of peace and a hope for my future. And that is something I haven’t had for a long time.

mallowcup

Well, I'm glad you didn't start answering to everyone in the bar. Let me ask you this.
if the greatest sin in life was to disappoint or anger someone, wouldn't your husband have some explaining to do?

Barbara52

Blondie, your post is wonderful! You are showing such growth in yourself. COngrats on making so much progress in your recovery.

Learning how

Thankyou for your post. Sad isn't it how lost one can become. I could relate so much to having lost my self. What do I want? At one point I couldn't have answered that because I wanted what ever would keep the peace.
Its great to see the progress that can be made in recovery.