wenchris

Yesterday I spent six hours with my son because we went to the physician for Suboxone treatment.

He was up and ready for me at 7:30 am, I could see he tried to look good for me, he was shaven and his shirt was not wrinkled. He is usually showered, anyway. I nag at him about when he looks unkempt.

We chatted on the hour and a half trip. My thoughts often turned to what I could not continue to do for him but I held them. I wanted this peaceful time with him. I have missed him so.

I tried not to complain because he dropped the F bomb so often. I was not completely successful.

He filled out his paperwork. I watched him as discreetly as I could. My thoughts were so out of control. I saw my boy. He was a very handsome, smart young man. I realize that was only three years ago and the changes that have occurred while I have been so distressed with him over the last three years. I start to look at him and think about what he will look like dead. I try so hard to stop myself but I keep seeing it. It is not really describable.

We wait the time away after he gets his first dose. We have to stay 30 minutes. He complains of he taste. He spits in the garbage. He puts his feet on the doctor's desk. I nag at him. I want to shake him. I am embarassed.

We drive home. I want to know how he feels. He tells me I am stupid. He tells me that he is a junkie and knows more about drugs than I probably do ( I am a nurse). He tells me he hates himself.

We are out of town and he wants to stop and pee on the side of the road. He barely goes into the woods. I am so frustrated!

I tell him that I hope he can use this drug to make his life start again. He tells me he really has no reason to get up in the morning. His children have been taken away. He wakes up every day to remember that, surrounded by their things, knowing everyone hates him and the only way to feel better is to get totally f****** up and lay at his house and watch the TV so he can't think about anything. And then he is angry because he wakes up again the next day. He says he would not be unhappy not to wake up anymore.

He wants to know if I am going to give him a few dollars. I just look at him like he's lost his mind. He says, It's just so hard not to ever have a dollar in my pocket and besides I am obviously not going to spend it on drugs now. I just look at him like he has lost his mind.

I feel like I am seeing him waste away from a self imposed terminal illness. Nothing I can do. Days I want to not see him again. Days I fear what I will hear. And now that vision of his dead face I can't completely clear from some nonerasable recess in my head.

No amount of counseling is helping me through this part. I pray. I keep busy. I remind myself that I am grateful his children are with us and that we have a wonderful family, I am trying to accept this and I don't know how to get it accomplished.

Is this going to break me in some way? Arrrggghhh.

mooselips

((wenchris))
Your post reminded me of feelings I occasionally have, regarding my 35 year old AS. The sweet little blond child who once was, now has missing teeth, and a shaved head, and tattoos up and down both arms, and still has to be gently reminded not to use the F bomb around my ears.

The embarrassing, shamed feelings are something we need to be gentle with ourselves and work through. Alanon meetings have helped me work through alot of these feelings. After all, my son does not think his appearance, or language is a problem, therefore the problem lies within me.


Your son sounds depressed...which is completely understandable. Maybe when he gets working, and starts moving forward with his life he'll feel better about himself?

Hope and faith, it's about all I have left for my son...


Hugs, from one mom to another....

peaceteach

I too watch my son these days, heading down the continuous path to self-destruction, I am afraid. He has been on the suboxone program since April, and it was very successful for him then, but I do not think he is doing it the right way now. The counseling part is so important, and really gets them not only feeling good about themselves but being part of a group and having concern for others.

I too remember that beautiful, happy boy from years ago, with bright eyes and a happy laugh. It's tough being a mother to someone who suffers from addiction and depression. Be good to yourself and work the detachment as best as you can. Hugs and prayers from another mom.

sleepygoat

I can identify completely with your experience. Reminds me of the last time I got my 19 year old AD into treatment. We spent a day and a half in a hotel room while making those detox phone calls. She had lesions from head to toe that she picks at and talks about picking at and her face was sunkin in like a characature of a crack head, and she was vomitting about 6 times a day, is now under a hundred pounds....

I'm a nurse too, so I know what I am looking at just like you. The last time I saw her was saturday and she was in rehab and looked so much better. Next day, sunday, she signed herself out and is using again. I said to my husband just yesterday, the main reason i don't think I'll be taking her to the HIV clinic anymore is because I want to remember her as she looked on Saturday (gained 10 lbs and the sores were all healing). I don't want to put myself thru the visuals any more.

I have this crazy belief that my God will help her to recover from the disease of addiction. I had prayer for some 'signs' so to speak, and i did get them almost 2 years ago. But then I lived each day as if I had no faith at all, and got crazier and crazier. So what I have been doing for about the past month (since the last time I wanted to kill myself behind all of this) is repeat to myself "This is God's battle, not mine. Thank you God for giving my daughter the gift of recovery from the disease of addiction and a full life". I say it as though its a foregone conclusion; as though she already has that gift. It really, really, really helps me to go on with my day and to let go.

Serenity Bound

I can so relate. When I dropped my AD off at rehab 2 1/2 weeks ago, I was remembering another time (a better time) when we dropped her off at gymnastics camp. Such a wonderful experience for my little girl. She was having so much fun, she didn't even call home when all the other kids did....now she won't be allowed but one 10 min call, one day a week.

I pray each day that God will be with her with each step of her recovery.

Hugs coming your way from another mom.

baxter

My AD still takes great pride in how she looks. Although she's not growing old gracefully. I think it's one thing that in her mind makes her think she doesn't have a problem, she's not like the other crackheads she deals with. In fact her whole life has been spent judging people on their appearance missing out on meeting some wonderful people.

The expressions on her face and the evil I sometimes see in her eyes are what haunt me. Her voice has become this shrill harping quack that can just grate on your nerves and send shivers down you spine. I, too, remember that curly headed little innocent and miss her.

JMFburns

((wenchris)) & (((all parents)))

Wow, reading wenchris' post and all the replies, I can really see everyone's pain and struggle for our own recovery. My heart just aches reading everyones memories of their great kids and the memories of my own son come flooding to me - the anger and disgust at the addict our children have become.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers today.

Troubledone

Addiction when it gets to the place where your son is - is just plain sad.

I have had similar feelings about my beautiful neice who has completely messed up her life and is back in jail.

I have done the counseling thing and all that - and in the end, I know that I just have to grieve all the things I had hoped for her and see if I can love the person she is now - addiction and all - without enabling her.

It is a very hard road. Prayers for peace and clarity and the ability to grieve your loss and embrace what is left - there is always hope, but hope must be set free, we can't cling to it.

Love and Prayers

wenchris

Sometimes I wish my son would go to jail. confine him and make him do what he needs to do if only for a couple of months. There is currently a show cause warrant out for him and his girlfriend for their lack of adherence to any of the court orders they were given to follow in order to get their children back. It is unbelievable that the girlfriend still thinks she will get them. They have not seen the kids in 5 weeks and the baby turned four months old this week.

And I think you are right, in the end you just have to realize the grieving process is normal, we are normal. So, of course it hurts. Grieving always does.

It all just feels a little intermittently desperate......

Spiritual Seeker

((wenchris))
It's is tough to watch their spiral of addiction/depression.
May he want help soon.

In the meantime remember to seek your own joy.

fndngserenity

Hi there. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. My daughter is only five right now - I hope I never have to go down that road with her. I do know how this pain feels though. My BF is suffering from painkiller addiction and I am slowly watching him kill himself. In the process, it is killing me. I am consumed by my thoughts. The fears, the anxiety, the worry and the stress. Last Thursday I couldn't take it anymore, sitting there, wondering if he was still alive. I called a substance abuse counselor. I finally met with him today.
I left there feeling very mixed. I know this is the right thing to do to get me to where I need to be but like the therapist told me, I also know this is going to be a very painful ride. His goal is to get me mentally, physically and spiritually off this rollercoaster. To get me to a place where I am okay with me. He knows that eventually my BF is going to hit rock bottom, wherever that might be and he wants to help me before I end up going down with him. That is actually why I called. I could see myself slipping farther and farther away.
I'm so depressed all the time that on the days I have my daughter (recently divorced) I am just so down that I don't feel like doing anything. I know she deserves better. Tuesday was so bad that I couldn't even take her. I would have been no good to her.
So.......I am going to post on here as much as I can, read the 12 step program and go to one on one therapy.
I'm hoping this will help me but I, like you, keep picturing the end.......I can see him lying there on the floor. The though runs through my mind several times a day. It seems like I'm in a no win situation. If I leave, I'll be devastated, if I stay it is tearing me apart and if he kills himself, I fear I will be devastated beyond repair.
I have to keep trying to remind myself......ONE day at a time and try like heck to not think about what he is doing.
Hugs and prayers for you and your son.