justaboutus

I've been thinking about a post I saw earlier today about how not being alcoholics and not hitting should be 'givens' in a relationship. So I've been thinking about what should be a given in a marriage and have only come up with a short list. This makes me worry because I know there should be more... my expectations are so low. I thought you guys could help me come up with more (and perhaps it could be a reminder to us ALL what a real marriage should be like).

Givens:
Not being an alcoholic/drinking to excess
Not hitting anything or anyone ever
Emotionally and physically faithful
Religious (this may not be true for everyone, but it is for me)
Be a willing participant in conversations (daily)
Full time paid employment
Must show affection and give compliments
Must regularly have 1 meal a day w/ family
Put spouse/children first
Help with chores and not complain about it
willingness to talk through problems/negotiate

Live

There is a great sticky in the relationships forums that outlines a healthy relationship.

Startingover2

I agree..should be a sticky.

Sadly though as I read through the list my AH is none of those. How sad.

Astro

I outlined in bold the things I was capable of when drinking. That's just being functional IMO. Sadly, I can't say I ever did any of those other things.

Melec

I don't think you're expectations are low at all. Some of the things you wrote encompass very important other qualities; for example, a loving partner does their share of chores without complaining out of love and respect for the other person and respect for the space they share. See?
It's a short list but the loving actions in it- listening, affection, compliments, emotional attention- can reflect enormous love.
Kudos!

Lilyflower

Taking from your list...

Not being an alcoholic/drinking to excess
Not hitting anything or anyone ever
Emotionally and physically faithful
Be a willing participant in conversations (daily)
Full time paid employment
Must show affection and give compliments
Must regularly have 1 meal a day w/ family
Put spouse/children first
Help with chores and not complain about it
willingness to talk through problems/negotiate

For me I would add...

-Spiritual
-Financially responsible
-self reflective/desire to grow
-Understanding and accepting of myself and children
-Has a history of commitment - i.e. to friends, work, financially, past relationships.
-Does not communicate through anger, manipulation, coersion.
-Not emotionally/physically/verbally abusive.
-Able to take loving care of himself.
-Not interested in drug use of any kind

That's just what comes to mind now. Last time we talked about this type of thing, I had about three items on my list, so this is a reflection of how I have grown and come to value myself, as I have much higher expectations of a partner now than I did 4 months ago!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

mallowcup

I will study a mans hands, do they have nicotine stains or callous'?
I will look for his charity to others.
I will study his core convictions.
I will examine his character, his habits, his hobbies.
Does he have a job or a career that he is passionate about?
Does he finish what he starts?
Is he respected?
When people see him coming do they smile?