I am oozing codie behavior! HELP!

Old 09-09-2008, 10:59 AM
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I am oozing codie behavior! HELP!

What a codie mess!

Okay…I think my codependency is going far beyond my AH! I have become aware of a few things that I have done in the past 24 hours that shows me how entrenched this behavior is! It is really REALLY frightening….

1) Yesterday, I was on the way to work from the airport, and I stopped at Subway. The guy behind me got into a conversation with me, and much to my surprised asked for my phone number. He wanted to take me to dinner. Even though, a) I am not ready b) he wasn’t my type c) I didn’t want to give him my phone number, I GAVE it to him ANYWAY. I was like completely socially inept! I spent the rest of the day not answering “strange” numbers to avoid a call I plan on never taking rather than telling him I was married or decline the offer.

2) My father came over to change the locks on my door. When he hinted around to staying for a while, I declined because I was tired and mentally exhausted. However, I back pedaled as he walked away because I “felt bad” about putting my needs first. Thankfully, he declined, but I ended up “feeling bad” the rest of the night.

3) My mother tends to call me during anytime of the day that she is having a meltdown. Today was one of those days. She was hysterical crying because the people she worked for were being horrible to her. I immediately went into crisis mode. I stood outside of work on the phone for 30 MINUTES and suggested a thousand ways that she could fix her situation, namingly change jobs, which she shot down for various reasons. I felt immediate anxiety, and had to STOP myself from doing JOB searches on the internet at MY work to “help her out.”

4) Then I couldn’t sit still and began to wonder what my husband was doing and where he was. I started to fret about whether he is on the street or not, or whether he is drunk somewhere in his misery. I ended up checking our cell phone account to “check” on when he last used the phone as confirmation that he was still alive.

This is just under 24 HOURS! Hello? Earth to Silverberry come in, Silverberry! I need some serious serious help here. This was the first time that I realized how bad it is and how I have GOT to get a handle on this…otherwise I am in for a real codie treat for the rest of my life.

Input please.

Signed,
Codieberry
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Old 09-09-2008, 11:11 AM
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woah, slow down. You know what you've done, you know it's done now. Learn from it and move on, don't turn it into another crisis.

As for giving blokes numbers, I used to switch the last three digits, before I learned how to say no.
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Old 09-09-2008, 11:12 AM
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Awareness is the first step towards healing...don't beat yourself up...trust the process...as I read your post it makes me more aware of my tendency to put myself last in many areas of my life....sometimes I get tunnel vision and concentrate on my copendency with my ABF and not in other areas of my life so thank you for your post...

Give yourself a big hug as you lay the next stone in your path to recovery....
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Old 09-09-2008, 11:25 AM
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Silverberry,

You also might want to remember what extreme stress does to your thinking. You're hurting really badly. You're like a switchboard operator handling calls when you've broken your fingers. You're going to make bad decisions. One of the things that helped me in my first divorce was spending lots of time with friends and family. Even to the point of spending nights when they invited me. In fact, in the situation I'm in, I'll probably be moving in with a friend until I get my feet underneath me. That way I won't have to be alone with my own thoughts until I'm ready to be alone. Spend time with the other people that are important to you, most people have an open heart, and sensitive natures, and will be more than willing to help you through the rough patch.

Redd
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Old 09-09-2008, 12:18 PM
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Thanks to all!

You are right Lucy...I am making this into a crisis...no need...thanks for helping me slow my roll.

SM- you are right..awareness must be the first key...this is probably why I freaked out. Before I was ignorant to it...you can be bothered by something you aren't even aware of. I will look at this as a first step.

Redd--thanks...you are right. I need to surround myself with friends right now. I tend to isolate and then I am left with my wheels turning.

Thanks all! Hugs!:ghug3
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Old 09-09-2008, 01:44 PM
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It's ok. You aren't going off the deep end or anything. You can't expect yourself to change instantaneously when you didn't learn those behaviors instantaneously.

Perhaps try re-reading the relevant chapter in your favorite codependency book? I often find that helpful to put things back into perspective and get a handle on things.
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Old 09-09-2008, 07:04 PM
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Everybody has said everything I was going to say.

You can't change a lifetime of getting advanced degrees in codependency in just a few days. You didn't get this way overnight, you won't fix it overnight.

Here's what you CAN do, besides letting yourself off the hook you're wriggling on: Pick one thing, and try to do it slightly differently next time.

Like, tell your dad that you'd love to have him stay but this whole thing has you absolutely exhausted, and make a date to have coffee on another day.

Like, postpone talking to your mom until you're home with your bunny slippers on.
Pick whichever one bugs you the MOST that you did, and maybe start there.

There's a coach who has that as his philosophy: just try doing one thing different. And when you feel strong with that one thing, maybe pick another.
He says you start to get a feel of accomplishment faster that way than trying to do fifty things slightly better each day!

Hang in there girl
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Old 09-09-2008, 07:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Silverberry1331 View Post
What a codie mess!

Okay…I think my codependency is going far beyond my AH! I have become aware of a few things that I have done in the past 24 hours that shows me how entrenched this behavior is! It is really REALLY frightening….

1)The guy behind me got into a conversation with me, and much to my surprised asked for my phone number. I GAVE it to him ANYWAY.
2) My father came over to change the locks on my door. When he hinted around to staying for a while, I declined because I was tired and mentally exhausted. However, I back pedaled ...
3) My mother tends to call me during anytime of the day that she is having a meltdown.
4) Then I couldn’t sit still and began to wonder what my husband was doing and where he was. I ended up checking our cell phone account to “check” on when he last used the phone as confirmation that he was still alive.
Goodness, goodness. I swear, if my alcoholism/drug addiction didn't kill me, I was certain my co-dependency was!

Give yourself a break, girl. You are quite aware of your behavior. I call it "the step before the 1st step". You have to know what you're doing before you can do anything about it. So? So you got the message up on the big screen! That's all. I used to have to wait for the big boulders to come rolling down the mountain to get my wake-up call!

Gentle, g-e-n-t-l-e. How bout that bubble bath and get a pedicure. Nurture yourself sweet one. We have to remember to take care of ourselves. I remember one time I was getting a manicure and this lady sitting right next to me was blabbing away on her cell phone - loud, I might add. It was totally destroying my pamper time. I so wanted to say something yet felt stupid for saying anything to her. But she was interrupting MY space and I couldn't leave. I just didn't know what to do. She finally hung up, looked right at me and said, "I wish they wouldn't call me when I'm getting my nails done!". I said, "then turn off your phone". I felt satisfied with my comment. .....ahem
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Old 09-09-2008, 07:46 PM
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HALT. If I get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, my old behaviors/attitudes can come back with a vengeance.

Take care of yourself!

I'm currently in no contact with my parents as they are currently in full blown toxic raging codie mode
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Old 09-09-2008, 07:49 PM
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I hear ya too. I was the same. It's a bit like OMG how come I never seen this before!!! Well, that's why I got involved with sick men. Nothing like a sick man to create a bit of diversion....

You're doing good.
And remember, lots of treats.

:ghug3
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Old 09-09-2008, 09:16 PM
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Originally Posted by lizw View Post
And remember, lots of treats.

:ghug3

LOTS of treats - at least three a day. Don't neglect yourself.
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Old 09-10-2008, 03:35 AM
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I see the emergence of a new awarness of yourself that will propell you forward in your recovery. Way to go Silverberry!!!!



Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 09-10-2008, 04:44 AM
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The code phrase for me is, "What's your day off this week?". I have come to recognize this as someone elses permission to fill up that day with their own agenda. They miss the whole concept of a day off.
I found myself stammering to make excuses and the only time they seem to back off is if I say I have to work.
I intentionally went to a perdiem status so that no one know what days or shifts I was working, now..........I am always working or I am always on call as far as they are concerned. I refuse to carry a cell phone, I am not accessable 24/7.
When I am not available, their tasks and issues seem to get taken care of.
I also put time and distance between me and them.
I thinlk the golden rule is to remember that if we make ourselves available, they will take full advantage. An adult woman like your mother needs to develop her problem solving skills, she should consider why she is being treated horribly and stay and work it out or quit.
People will spend you on themselves.
NO personal calls at work! If your house burns down, you'll know about it soon enough.
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