sleepygoat

First I want to say I will get back to posting on YOUR threads later, I promise. I have appt in minutes, and need advice/opinion very soon!

My AD left rehab sunday, this time after 12 days (a new world's record for her). We (her step-dad and I) dared to have hope that this would be the time. But its not, and we both agreed to turn in her address where she lives in Newark with her abusive enabler boyfriend, to the sheriff's office. There is a warrant in our county for her.

We figured, jail is the only thing she hasn't tried, and we are tired of protecting her. But its kind of unlikely they will go to Newark to serve the warrant. You never know, so we tried (we've been holding back on that info with the prosecutor and sherriff for over a year now, hoping she would get clean and deal with it on her own.)

So tomorrow is her birthday. It seems hypocritical to turn her in (though she won't know that if they don't serve the warrant) on one day, and call to wish her a happy birthday the next day.

She will be 20. Of course, I am in anger/detachment/let her celebrate her own damn birthday with her lover (the crack, that is, not the man) mode. But this is my only child and i love her and have never knowingly by my own choice not acknowledged her birthday.

LucyA

Birthdays and Christmas are so difficult aren't they?
We feel the need to mark the occasion, but don't want to go too far in case it looks like 'all is forgiven' (in my case anyay)
My brother told my mum on mothers day this year he couldn't be bothered going to the shops for a card.
Then he sent my dad a card out of the blue on his birthday, after not speaking to him for 3 months, they still havent spoken.
Then in August, he missed my mums birthday again.
He didn't even realise it was his own birthday back in April.
He hasn't remembered mine for years.
I always send just a card, nothing special or personal, just a card. And only because it makes me feel better, no other reason.
Do what you feel is right, not what you think is expected.

marle

Year before last was my daughter's 21st birthday and she was so deep in addiction that she basically did not care so I sent her a text saying "Happy Birthday". Sorry that you are in this dilemma. Hugs, Marle

MsPINKAcres

I try to remember it's not about them it's about us.

What can I do to help myself feel at peace? Cause while in the active part of addiction, no matter what I do, it will never be enough for the A's in my life - I have the type of A's that always play the poor poor me card, the victim, the unloved QUACK, QUACK, QUACK.

So my suggestion would be to do what you feel is best for you - whether it be a phone call, text, card, or a big present - it's about what you feel right to give -

I will tell you for one daughter during her active times, for her birthday - I bought a card and put her gift card in it & kept it til we talked to her about 3 months later. Didn't have a way to get it too her so I just held on to it.

Wishing you peace in your decision,
Rita

baxter

Just went through the same thing with my AD. I simply got her a card. I wasn't even sure I'd give that to her. She didn't even have time this whole year to have a birthday party for her own three girls 15, 10 and 5. I even had a hard time picking out a card. I sure didn't want anything mushy and humor sure didn't fit the moment. I did settle for one that was more or less based on the day she was born, which was a blessed day.

Jody Hepler

I sent always sent a card (sometimes only to the last known address) - no money or gifts - and always put a little note about how special the day they were born was. And I did it because I wanted to - one of the few "mother things" I could do in those years.

I had to learn to love "for fun and for free, expecting nothing in return".

Now that both ASs are sober - neither one has mentioned the years of cards - or asked why they didn't get any gifts! It certainly wasn't a priority for them in those years.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

bookmiser

(((((((SleepyGoat)))))))

I'm sorry your feeling this pain. I know it well, myself.
Just know that whatever you decide to do, your doing it out of
love for your daughter. Nothing more.
Praying for you both,
Linda

sleepygoat

I decided to call her tomorrow and leave a message. I don't expect her to answer her cell phone because the usual pattern is to avoid talking to me whenever she has just left treatment. She usually does not listen to her messages either, come to think of it, so she may not even hear whatever I say. but I'll leave a simple message; just to say happy birthday and I love her, something like that, and go on with my day.

I am doing really well as a matter of fact, with getting back to normal!

beegee

Sleepygoat,
I agree, you have to do what makes you feel good or comfortable. Leaving a message is fine and if she doesn't listen it isn'y your problem. Happy your doing good and getting back to normal. (((HUGS)))))