Compass check
Rediscovering myself
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 231
Compass check
Sometimes, I think the brainwashing takes over, so I just want to check my compass with you guys. My emotions say he's changing, but my mind is saying it's just sneakier. What do you think?
Here are the facts... (I wasn't home this weekend)
#1, there's a half gone whisky bottle in the liquor cabinet, for which BIL claims responsibility.
#2, AH's bottle seems untouched, though I know he has poured at least one drink.
#3, AH posted a photo online showing a drink he made this weekend with a different bottle in the background.
#4, BIL refuses to tell me how much AH drank this weekend.
I assume that if AH didn't drink much this weekend, BIL would be willing to tell me how well AH did. I also assume the mystery bottle has either been hidden or consumed, neither of which is a good thing. So either AH binged this weekend or this is some sort of plot trying to get me to show how much I know and where I found it... again not good.
So, even though I am having these doubts (wondering if perhaps AH is finally possibly changing - because that's what it looks like on the
surface) the facts don't support it. The facts say he's just being sneakier. That's all.
He's still not looking for a job. He's still not participating in conversations, much less initiating them. We're still not ready to work on our marriage. So I should NOT get my hopes up because the facts say I'm just going to be disappointed... yet again.
Am I right on this?
Here are the facts... (I wasn't home this weekend)
#1, there's a half gone whisky bottle in the liquor cabinet, for which BIL claims responsibility.
#2, AH's bottle seems untouched, though I know he has poured at least one drink.
#3, AH posted a photo online showing a drink he made this weekend with a different bottle in the background.
#4, BIL refuses to tell me how much AH drank this weekend.
I assume that if AH didn't drink much this weekend, BIL would be willing to tell me how well AH did. I also assume the mystery bottle has either been hidden or consumed, neither of which is a good thing. So either AH binged this weekend or this is some sort of plot trying to get me to show how much I know and where I found it... again not good.
So, even though I am having these doubts (wondering if perhaps AH is finally possibly changing - because that's what it looks like on the
surface) the facts don't support it. The facts say he's just being sneakier. That's all.
He's still not looking for a job. He's still not participating in conversations, much less initiating them. We're still not ready to work on our marriage. So I should NOT get my hopes up because the facts say I'm just going to be disappointed... yet again.
Am I right on this?
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Trust your gut. If you are not happy, then you are not happy. If you don't trust him, then you don't trust him.
As a codependant, I have spent years ignoring my gut instincts and convincing myself that things are better than I feel they are. It has messed my internal compass too. From what I've read, the way to get back on track is to listen to ourselves, and learn to act on what we can see.
You have listed many reasons why you know there is no progress. Trust yourself!
Despite what he is or is not doing, if you aren't comfortable in your gut, then things need to change, your internal guide is asking for that to begin. It is up to you to act upon it, and make whatever changes you need to make you serene once more.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
As a codependant, I have spent years ignoring my gut instincts and convincing myself that things are better than I feel they are. It has messed my internal compass too. From what I've read, the way to get back on track is to listen to ourselves, and learn to act on what we can see.
You have listed many reasons why you know there is no progress. Trust yourself!
Despite what he is or is not doing, if you aren't comfortable in your gut, then things need to change, your internal guide is asking for that to begin. It is up to you to act upon it, and make whatever changes you need to make you serene once more.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
He's still not looking for a job. He's still not participating in conversations, much less initiating them. We're still not ready to work on our marriage. So I should NOT get my hopes up because the facts say I'm just going to be disappointed... yet again.
These are pretty powerful behavior signals. I'm a big believer in paying attention only to behavior. The alcoholics I know who have achieved reacovery/sobriety really have changed - obvious observable changes - the biggest change usually being they have changed people, places, and things. They don't hang out with alcoholic buddies (even if it is family!), they don't go to places they used to go to to get drunk, they don't handle alcohol or alcohol paraphernalia. That's been my experience.
All in all your post was keenly focused on amounts of alcohol & the alcoholic, was it consumed? how much consumed? who consumed what? is he lying or telling the truth?
This kind of focus makes me nuts!!! You should trust your gut and the "facts" as you put it. Get off the merry-go-round of trying to figure him out! Just keep moving forward in your own growth and recovery work. Focus on yourself. More will be revealed.
Peace,
B.
These are pretty powerful behavior signals. I'm a big believer in paying attention only to behavior. The alcoholics I know who have achieved reacovery/sobriety really have changed - obvious observable changes - the biggest change usually being they have changed people, places, and things. They don't hang out with alcoholic buddies (even if it is family!), they don't go to places they used to go to to get drunk, they don't handle alcohol or alcohol paraphernalia. That's been my experience.
All in all your post was keenly focused on amounts of alcohol & the alcoholic, was it consumed? how much consumed? who consumed what? is he lying or telling the truth?
This kind of focus makes me nuts!!! You should trust your gut and the "facts" as you put it. Get off the merry-go-round of trying to figure him out! Just keep moving forward in your own growth and recovery work. Focus on yourself. More will be revealed.
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 65
Hi there. It's always good to step back and see how a reality check goes. I know that sometimes living with an AH can drive you mad with all the wondering - you can't help noticing these things - is there a bottle hidden somewhere etc...
I'd love to be optimistic and say he's probably changing but from what you've written, I'd say you should go with your head on this one. If he's not changing in other areas of his life, chances are he's not really changing. My personal experience from years of living with an AH is that they just get more creative at hiding it. I'd say if there's alcohol in the house at all then chances are he's drinking.
One pieve of advice though - try not to let the 'truth' of this particular question eat away at you. Honestly, you can spend way too much time agonising over this stuff and the only person you end up hurting is yourself. Channel your energy into something mroe positive and just keep an eye out for yourself. I found myself way too many times frantically searching the house when he was out for a little bit looking in all the hiding places to see if there was a bottle there -- after going to Al-Anon and hearing other people say the same thing, I realised how ridiculous it was to be wasting time and energy on this. What are you going to do if you find it anyway? That is the question you really have to ask yourself.
Focus on YOU. Try to think about what you want YOUR life to be like and work towards that. learning about detachment was one of the best things which every happened to me living with an AH. Might be worth a try if you haven't looked at this before?
Best of luck to you. My thoughts are with you - I know how hard it is to try NOT to get your hopes up when all you want is for them to 'see the light' and get help/stop drinking.
I'd love to be optimistic and say he's probably changing but from what you've written, I'd say you should go with your head on this one. If he's not changing in other areas of his life, chances are he's not really changing. My personal experience from years of living with an AH is that they just get more creative at hiding it. I'd say if there's alcohol in the house at all then chances are he's drinking.
One pieve of advice though - try not to let the 'truth' of this particular question eat away at you. Honestly, you can spend way too much time agonising over this stuff and the only person you end up hurting is yourself. Channel your energy into something mroe positive and just keep an eye out for yourself. I found myself way too many times frantically searching the house when he was out for a little bit looking in all the hiding places to see if there was a bottle there -- after going to Al-Anon and hearing other people say the same thing, I realised how ridiculous it was to be wasting time and energy on this. What are you going to do if you find it anyway? That is the question you really have to ask yourself.
Focus on YOU. Try to think about what you want YOUR life to be like and work towards that. learning about detachment was one of the best things which every happened to me living with an AH. Might be worth a try if you haven't looked at this before?
Best of luck to you. My thoughts are with you - I know how hard it is to try NOT to get your hopes up when all you want is for them to 'see the light' and get help/stop drinking.
Rediscovering myself
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 231
I know, I let this consume my thoughts yesterday. I love puzzles and this is a puzzle. I need to let go.
He's just being so nice lately... which is distracting me from all the bad things he's doing. It's hard to stay focused, to stay mad... just to keep myself from falling into the same traps again. It also hurts to know he's hiding the liquor, because that means he's slipping further down... and I don't want that for my daughter's sake. She deserves a sober dad.
He's just being so nice lately... which is distracting me from all the bad things he's doing. It's hard to stay focused, to stay mad... just to keep myself from falling into the same traps again. It also hurts to know he's hiding the liquor, because that means he's slipping further down... and I don't want that for my daughter's sake. She deserves a sober dad.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 65
Hey, I sympathise - been there! But think about how much of that tims agonising over this riddle could have been spent doing something more constructive? Playing with your daughter? Doing something for yourself?
Is there a chance he's just worked out what it is he needs to do to keep you off his case or a bit about the drinking.... My AH did that a lot. Work out what he needed to do to keep me sweet so I wasn't focused on the other things.
There are some things worth spending time on/sweating over - my guess is that this is going to turn out in the long term not to be one of them!
Hope you manage to find something else to think about today! Your daughter deserves a sober dad, but she also deserves a mum who's spending her available time on her, not on solving the riddle of the drink.
Hugs.
Is there a chance he's just worked out what it is he needs to do to keep you off his case or a bit about the drinking.... My AH did that a lot. Work out what he needed to do to keep me sweet so I wasn't focused on the other things.
There are some things worth spending time on/sweating over - my guess is that this is going to turn out in the long term not to be one of them!
Hope you manage to find something else to think about today! Your daughter deserves a sober dad, but she also deserves a mum who's spending her available time on her, not on solving the riddle of the drink.
Hugs.
Rediscovering myself
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 231
I know, I was good when I was with DD yesterday. When I'm with her it's all about her. But, yesterday I was at work and things were slow and I let the puzzle get the best of me. I'll do better today!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: California
Posts: 164
I too have trouble with going with my gut. I spent too many years talking myself into accepting the quacking. When I did go with my gut my AH stood ready to tell me I was wrong, over reacting, confused :chatter quack quack. Sounds like he is just working harder at keeping his drinking under the radar so to speak.
Easier said than done but, try to keep the foucs on yourself. No one needs to spend their time dwelling on what another is doing or not doing, its not a good way to live life.
Easier said than done but, try to keep the foucs on yourself. No one needs to spend their time dwelling on what another is doing or not doing, its not a good way to live life.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
