Letting Go
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Letting Go
Hi everyone. I have a few random thoughts/questions that I need help with. I left the AH 4 weeks ago, since then he has relapsed (was sober for almost 4 years) back into heavy drinking and I've found out that he has been having an affair. Yep all the time that I was there supporting him (emotionally and financially) so he could work on his recovery he was cheating. He even had the ___ to introduce to her to MY friends in the apartment building. This must have been deliberate as he knew it would get back to me. I ran myself stupid so that I could make enough money, lost weight and started having heart palpations all due to stress, he stopped being intimate with me last year, and now I guess I know why.
The hurt and anger I felt (and still do) was overwhelming and consuming. I'm working on letting it all go and giving it up to my HP but and there's always that but, it's so hard.
I know I'm mourning the loss/death of what I thought our marriage was - reality vs the fantasy. I know it's a process that I MUST go thru, I know I'm better off, I know there are so many positive things going on in my life, I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW.
BUT WHY is it so frigging hard to let go of all of this? There is no reason for me to want this man, he's a looser and a user, a cheat, a liar, a manipulator, a hypocrite, a drunk, totally irresponsible, has no money no job and no intentions of getting one, he's a parasite living off anyone he can con.
AND YET I STILL THINK ABOUT HIM??
What is wrong with me? Please don't think I think about him all the time, I don't but every now and then I catch myself and then the pit in the stomach thing happens, the anger starts bubbling up and sometimes I even get short of breath. I busy myself, walking with Kingston, reading/posting here, talking with my friends anything.
Each day it gets better but it's so hard. Have you been thru this or something similiar. I guess I just don't understand how a AH could treat their wife this way.
Thanks for listening - K
The hurt and anger I felt (and still do) was overwhelming and consuming. I'm working on letting it all go and giving it up to my HP but and there's always that but, it's so hard.
I know I'm mourning the loss/death of what I thought our marriage was - reality vs the fantasy. I know it's a process that I MUST go thru, I know I'm better off, I know there are so many positive things going on in my life, I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW.
BUT WHY is it so frigging hard to let go of all of this? There is no reason for me to want this man, he's a looser and a user, a cheat, a liar, a manipulator, a hypocrite, a drunk, totally irresponsible, has no money no job and no intentions of getting one, he's a parasite living off anyone he can con.
AND YET I STILL THINK ABOUT HIM??
What is wrong with me? Please don't think I think about him all the time, I don't but every now and then I catch myself and then the pit in the stomach thing happens, the anger starts bubbling up and sometimes I even get short of breath. I busy myself, walking with Kingston, reading/posting here, talking with my friends anything.
Each day it gets better but it's so hard. Have you been thru this or something similiar. I guess I just don't understand how a AH could treat their wife this way.
Thanks for listening - K
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
It is hard and you are right, it does get better with time. Keep plodding on, you will eventually come out throught the other side and be glad. Try some journalling to get your anger out and processed.
in the meantime, read this... It helped me alot to remember and come to terms with my split with the abf.
Hugs and love to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
in the meantime, read this... It helped me alot to remember and come to terms with my split with the abf.
Originally Posted by JT 
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
....They lie, they steal and they take no prisoners!
If we do not take care of ourselves who will?
For me it was a slight setback but I have been doing this a while. I am getting off the bus. But some of you have just realized that your bus is taking you were you don't want to go. Every bus has stops and you can get off or stay on and go a bit further until the next stop....
.....The only way to do that is to make yourself well, get your own self in order so you can make decisions. The alternative is leaping and then looking back and wondering if you did the right thing.
That is why our program is about us.
JT
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
....They lie, they steal and they take no prisoners!
If we do not take care of ourselves who will?
For me it was a slight setback but I have been doing this a while. I am getting off the bus. But some of you have just realized that your bus is taking you were you don't want to go. Every bus has stops and you can get off or stay on and go a bit further until the next stop....
.....The only way to do that is to make yourself well, get your own self in order so you can make decisions. The alternative is leaping and then looking back and wondering if you did the right thing.
That is why our program is about us.
JT
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Oh Kingston...I am sending you hugs right now:ghug3
The reason you feel that way is because you loved this man. I think sometimes we are afraid to admit that because of the circumstances that surround the relationship...You spent a portion of your life with this person. You confided, laughed, cried, and connected with him. There are parts of that person that you saw, no matter how briefly or fleeting, that you fell in love with. This is why it is so hard. You are correct...you ARE in mourning. It IS like a death.
There is nothing wrong with you. You are going through the grieving process. You don't have apologize or make excuses for days that you spend thinking about him. We have all done it. You are moving in a healthy direction because of the actions you are taking for your growth and recovery. Sometimes, we think through the pain in order to get to a better place. It is OKAY to lament for what is lost.
You are on the right track Kingston. This too shall pass...We are here for you!
The reason you feel that way is because you loved this man. I think sometimes we are afraid to admit that because of the circumstances that surround the relationship...You spent a portion of your life with this person. You confided, laughed, cried, and connected with him. There are parts of that person that you saw, no matter how briefly or fleeting, that you fell in love with. This is why it is so hard. You are correct...you ARE in mourning. It IS like a death.
There is nothing wrong with you. You are going through the grieving process. You don't have apologize or make excuses for days that you spend thinking about him. We have all done it. You are moving in a healthy direction because of the actions you are taking for your growth and recovery. Sometimes, we think through the pain in order to get to a better place. It is OKAY to lament for what is lost.
You are on the right track Kingston. This too shall pass...We are here for you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
For me, it wasn't about mourning the dream (actually I personally don't know what that means), still loving him or any of that. For me, it was one thing:
Rejection.
This is an extremely painful topic for me and one I am working on in therapy and through the 12 steps.
Whatever it is for you, I believe it is highly personal. I am the only one who can figure out what it is for me. All the "pat" answers didn't do it for me, I still had a nagging at me, saying nope, that's not it. Two years into therapy we approached the subject of rejection and the moment my therapist utters the word I break into tears.
Who knows where this is going? But this is one ride I'm glad to be on - I believe even better things are waiting for me.
Hang in there. I could not get to this point until I had reached one where I truly believed xAH's behaviors had absolutely nothing to do with me. Absolute acceptance of that only happened recently (we've been apart 3 years).
((( )))
Rejection.
This is an extremely painful topic for me and one I am working on in therapy and through the 12 steps.
Whatever it is for you, I believe it is highly personal. I am the only one who can figure out what it is for me. All the "pat" answers didn't do it for me, I still had a nagging at me, saying nope, that's not it. Two years into therapy we approached the subject of rejection and the moment my therapist utters the word I break into tears.
Who knows where this is going? But this is one ride I'm glad to be on - I believe even better things are waiting for me.
Hang in there. I could not get to this point until I had reached one where I truly believed xAH's behaviors had absolutely nothing to do with me. Absolute acceptance of that only happened recently (we've been apart 3 years).
((( )))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi, K,
These are the tender, painful moments of dealing with a wound that's healing. I share Denny's issues with "the R word"
and I think most of us do. I remember the thought process for me at one time: "So he's a loser, a drunk, a liar, a cheater....a total NOTHING....and yet he chose HER to be with instead of me? What's up with that?"
I thought his behavior, his choices, had some (twisted) reflection on my worth as a person, and as a lover.
It took a long time to work through this, and it only started getting better when I talked it out with a counselor for a while, put some time/space between me & the breakup, and started consciously building situations into my life where I felt "chosen" by people who really mattered to me. I volunteered my skills in my community, started helping people who needed help, worked in the animal rescue facility, etc. THOSE people in turn showed their appreciation for me as a person....and suddenly it didn't matter what Loser Jerkoff did or thought or felt.
Keeping my "vibration" high by only hanging around people who were positive, supportive, fun and healthy helped too. I had to cut some ties with people who dragged me down. And I had to force myself to be a little more sociable (with the good people) than I generally would, so that I didn't have TOO much time to sit and stare at my fingernails.
It took, like the song goes, time love and tenderness. In the meantime, keeping yourself busy with things that make your soul dance is a good way to get through this withdrawal period. You still have lots of little neural pathways that, when you go skipping down them, you find him at the end. Lots of snipping and re-associating needed in your head, so your pleasure centers are re-routed to new, safe activities and people. (My counselor was big on that sort of thing)
You will be okay. This won't last forever.
Hugs to you & Kingston
GL
These are the tender, painful moments of dealing with a wound that's healing. I share Denny's issues with "the R word"
and I think most of us do. I remember the thought process for me at one time: "So he's a loser, a drunk, a liar, a cheater....a total NOTHING....and yet he chose HER to be with instead of me? What's up with that?"I thought his behavior, his choices, had some (twisted) reflection on my worth as a person, and as a lover.
It took a long time to work through this, and it only started getting better when I talked it out with a counselor for a while, put some time/space between me & the breakup, and started consciously building situations into my life where I felt "chosen" by people who really mattered to me. I volunteered my skills in my community, started helping people who needed help, worked in the animal rescue facility, etc. THOSE people in turn showed their appreciation for me as a person....and suddenly it didn't matter what Loser Jerkoff did or thought or felt.
Keeping my "vibration" high by only hanging around people who were positive, supportive, fun and healthy helped too. I had to cut some ties with people who dragged me down. And I had to force myself to be a little more sociable (with the good people) than I generally would, so that I didn't have TOO much time to sit and stare at my fingernails.
It took, like the song goes, time love and tenderness. In the meantime, keeping yourself busy with things that make your soul dance is a good way to get through this withdrawal period. You still have lots of little neural pathways that, when you go skipping down them, you find him at the end. Lots of snipping and re-associating needed in your head, so your pleasure centers are re-routed to new, safe activities and people. (My counselor was big on that sort of thing)
You will be okay. This won't last forever.
Hugs to you & Kingston
GL
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 65
Kingston - you're in good company! I think most peole feel this way - except it's less easy to find closure because that person is still walking around living and breathing...
I too have had to deal with the rejection piece - it still doesn't really make sense to me that he chose something else over what he was offerd/given in our marriage.
There's one other thing I really felt too - I wanted him to feel BAD and SORRY for what I felt he had done. What a waste of time and emotion that was!
It is really tough. you love someone for so long. And you basically end up living with someone with a serious illness - like that wouldn't take it's toll on anyone; but in addition you have all the lies, the manipulation etc etc - you know what I'm talking about. But you still love them. Perhaps for the person they once were or you could see underneath all the other stuff. And losing anyone you love is so hard.
It's a cliche but time will heal. Al-Anon and counselling really helped me to stop focusing on him and to start focuing on myself which realy helped me to move on. Oh, of course, great friends and family too.
Look after yourself honey - you have made the first step, and that's a really big deal. Hugs.
I too have had to deal with the rejection piece - it still doesn't really make sense to me that he chose something else over what he was offerd/given in our marriage.
There's one other thing I really felt too - I wanted him to feel BAD and SORRY for what I felt he had done. What a waste of time and emotion that was!
It is really tough. you love someone for so long. And you basically end up living with someone with a serious illness - like that wouldn't take it's toll on anyone; but in addition you have all the lies, the manipulation etc etc - you know what I'm talking about. But you still love them. Perhaps for the person they once were or you could see underneath all the other stuff. And losing anyone you love is so hard.
It's a cliche but time will heal. Al-Anon and counselling really helped me to stop focusing on him and to start focuing on myself which realy helped me to move on. Oh, of course, great friends and family too.
Look after yourself honey - you have made the first step, and that's a really big deal. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by YellowRed
I too have had to deal with the rejection piece - it still doesn't really make sense to me that he chose something else over what he was offerd/given in our marriage.
Today I am working on me and MY choices. For a long time I did not understand the difference. I'm only beginning to understand it now.
((( )))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Thanks everyone for the kind words and support.
I'm learning albeit slowly that meltdowns are not only good for me but necessary for my recovery and spiritual wellbeing. I have to get thru this process. I've come to believe in acceptance - this is the way it was and it doesn't have to that way in my future. There is nothing I can do to change the past it is what it is. I'll never get the validation for the ExAH or the apologies and even if I did it won't make any difference.
I'm working on letting it go, baby steps and a lot of time I'm faking it but I'm starting to believe in it. I'm believing in myself. I'm surrounding myself with good solid friends and fun things that I love to do. My home is my sanctuary, I love being there, I have had 3 nights and each one is getting better. Kingston (my lab) is in heaven there too. So all in all it's good. I'll keep working at it. Again my thanks for all your support, K.
I'm learning albeit slowly that meltdowns are not only good for me but necessary for my recovery and spiritual wellbeing. I have to get thru this process. I've come to believe in acceptance - this is the way it was and it doesn't have to that way in my future. There is nothing I can do to change the past it is what it is. I'll never get the validation for the ExAH or the apologies and even if I did it won't make any difference.
I'm working on letting it go, baby steps and a lot of time I'm faking it but I'm starting to believe in it. I'm believing in myself. I'm surrounding myself with good solid friends and fun things that I love to do. My home is my sanctuary, I love being there, I have had 3 nights and each one is getting better. Kingston (my lab) is in heaven there too. So all in all it's good. I'll keep working at it. Again my thanks for all your support, K.
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