Reddmax

Had an interesting conversation with the SD. We sort of got in to an argument about the AW.

I spoke with the AW tonight... and surprise surprise, she was sober. Of course she was sober, she was on a business trip.

I was talking to the SD, and mentioned that I was annoyed that she could stay sober while working, but couldn't stay sober at home. The SD took exception to that..... "I'm glad she can stay sober at work, I'd much rather have her drunk at home than on a business trip". I asked her how it made her feel... and then she really got mad.

Here's the reality check I want. Am I wrong to be annoyed and angry that my AW can stay sober at work, but won't stay sober at home? Doesn't her actions indicate what she finds more important?

Redd

GiveLove

That line of thinking will drive you straight into the looney bin, Red.

You've already established that, while at home, she seems to find drinking more important than staying lucid with you. She chooses drinking. Your acceptance of this situation, without boundaries, with zero downside to her actions, makes it much easier for her to stay drunk at home...meaning: while there would definitely be repercussions for drinking during business, there are no repercussions for drinking herself stupid at home. So why not?

So what does it matter what she's forced to do at work, or why? And who knows how long that will last? My sister stayed sober on the job until she didn't. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.

You're going to drive yourself nuts and drive a wedge right in the middle of your relationship with SD, trying to get her to take your side against her mother. What good will obsessing about the "shoulds" do either one of you?

LaTeeDa

I can see where this is going. How? Because I went there--for years. My brain said "point out to him what he's doing and he will see how wrong it is." And I did. Somewhere in my fantasy world, I just knew if I could come up with the right words, the right evidence to support my point of view, I could get him to see the light.

So, where is your mind going? You confront her with this information about how she can stay sober at work and she says "Oh, Redd. You're sooooo right! What was I thinking? I can not drink at work, so I must be able to not drink at home. Please drive me to treatment."

Hope is not a plan. There is nothing wrong with having hope, but in case your hopes are dashed, it's good to have a plan.

L

laurie6781

What she finds more important is................................keep the job so she can continue to keep drinking. I personally did this until I could no longer keep it together 'at work.'

Wrong to be annoyed? I don't know. I would rather ask...........................why do you stay when you know it's not going to change any time soon?

Right now I don't believe she is your problem............................you are your problem.

You didn't CAUSE this,

you can't CONTROL this, and

You can't CURE *(FIX) this.

So how long do YOU continue to suffer, and hash and rehash what is or isn't going on?

Redd it takes all of us different lengths of time to say ENOUGH.

I will continue to send prayers for you that ENOUGH has arrived and you can find some peace and serenity in your life.

Alanon in addition to therapy is a great way to learn how to let go of the 'drama' and 'chaos' that we alcoholics, while still practicing, and into early recovery, can put on our families.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

AWEDA

As others have said,she will probably begin drinking at work as
her disease progresses.
This happened to my EXAH and they found the empty bottles and
fired him after 23 years.

respektingme

Redd,

The job seems to be the last thing to go. Seems like hardcore A's eventually show up to work drunk and lose their jobs if they don't stop drinking. I think it's simply a question of when, not a question of why. She needs money to survive, that's a priority. She doesn't really need you to survive although she'd like to keep you around. But you're not an employer. You have yet to fire her for her drinking. To date you are still around.

kemarus

Redd, I say what the others have said. The job is the last thing to happen. My husband was able to only drink after work and on weekends for years. The last couple years, it was as soon as he hit the car after a job and then even while on the job. Part of it, I think, was that he wanted to convince me he wasn't an A by showing me that he could still hold a job and it wasn't affecting him being able to provide for us. Yeah, right.

respektingme

Ditto that. My AH used to list several things to refute the assertion that he had a serious problem. He's never had a DUI, he's well respected in his job, he's never been drunk in front of the kids, etc. Then he was drunk in front of the kids. He still hasn't busted the other two, but they are all called "yets" in my husband's AA circle. As in, these are all things that simply haven't happened "yet".

Reddmax

After sleeping on it..... I've come to the same conclusions that you have pointed out to me.

There are no repercussions for drinking at home, and the SD needs to deal with things in her own way. I was wrong...

So.... here's what I'm doing... I'm getting boxes tonight so I can start packing most of my personal things up. I did tell the AW that I wouldn't leave while she's gone.... but she's coming back Saturday.

Nothing changes until something changes.

Redd

JMFburns

Wow, great responses by everyone! I heard things I needed to hear, THANKS.

Congratulations on some realizations Redd and taking steps for you.

(((Redd)))

YellowRed

My experience too is the job goes eventually. Then you become the provider and that really sucks.

One thing bothered me about your post Redd - other threads you seem to have a good relationship with your SD. Don't wreck it by projecting too many of your feelings about the AW onto her. her relationship with AW is different and you need to respect that. Agree with whoever said dont try to get SD to take sides - never gonna happen. Think about you and if you can be supportive to SD then please do - she has to deal with this too - and in her own way. Sorry if that sounds like preaching.... you really are going through a lot and I know how tough it is when there arent a lot of other ears to listen!

theotherone

Hey Redd..

I read this quote this morning and thought about all of us here on SR ...