A week and a day and today I miss him. This is really long btw.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 163
A week and a day and today I miss him. This is really long btw.
Hi all. Hope every one is having as good of a Monday as possible.
Today has been sort of weird for me and I hope you won't judge me for what I am about to say. I have been emailing this guy. He is a family member of someone I work with and lives overseas. He is coming for a visit in about a month and wants to meet me. I have a feeling that he is interested in more than just "friends" but I don't think he is interested in more than something casual. He is very good looking and talking to him has made all this easier. I know, able to leap from one relationship to another, look up in the sky-it's a bird, it's a plane, no it's Rebound Man. LOL.
Thing is I got to thinking about the xah. We are still married and will be for a while from the looks of things. I don't think, in fact I know, that I am so not ready to sleep with someone else emotionally or psychologically, the pain is still to raw. I lost the battle. I lost him. I miss him. I miss what he could have been if he had given himself a chance. I fell in love with the possibility, not the reality? I miss what we could have been and what we once for a fleeting moment were.
I left him badly. I don't think he ever really believed me in the last couple of years when I said I wanted out, that it was getting to be too much. Something always came up once I made up my mind to leave. One time I was in a bad car accident, one day I came home and had every intention of telling him I was leaving when he met me in the garage saying his father had had a heart attack. He lost his job another time and I stayed not knowing it was because of the drinking.
When I left we were penniless and up to our ears in liquid debt. We had already lost everything that wasn't paid for. I begged him to get a part time job as his job does not pay overtime and I was already working almost sixty hours a week at my job. He told me that he couldn't because our cell phones had been cut off and no one could get a hold of him. I managed to get and keep jobs with no car, no phone and a small child, his response infuriated me. He was the man, he was supposed to take care of his family. I got angry at him about a month ago, the house smelled like a brewerey/commode and I wanted to get one of those plug in air freshener refills. He said we could not afford it but we had three twelve packs in the dang cart. For the first time in ten years I could not afford to buy my daughter school clothes, but he could buy beer.
Honestly, when I called the police that night it was not that he had hurt me but because I was afraid that he would. I told him the next day I wanted out, he said it wasn't so bad, we hadn't gotten into a serious fight. My first husband beat the living snot out of me, I fight back now and the AH has the scars to prove it. He has a thing about grabbing me by the neck, my nails are real and they grow fast, he has the scars to prove it. Think what you will but I will never allow another man to hurt me like that. If you think it is ok to grab, pull, yank or whatever you will get it back. I may be small but I will defend myself at all costs.
I wonder if he even thinks about me anymore. I honestly wonder if he even remembers what color my eyes are. Why did I fall so badly and deeply in love with some one who could not even remember which one of my two brothers had died? Why do I want to know he is thinking about me or that he is ok? He never worried if I was ok because he always knew I could and would take care of myself. Why did I let this happen to me and more importantly why did I let my daughter be exposed to this? Why can I not allow my self to mourn? I need to cry but I won't let myself and I think the reason I know the reason I am writing this is not so anyone else reads it but because I just need to feel again.
I don't know why but I miss him. I miss the way he looked at me. I miss the way he smiled at me.
Today has been sort of weird for me and I hope you won't judge me for what I am about to say. I have been emailing this guy. He is a family member of someone I work with and lives overseas. He is coming for a visit in about a month and wants to meet me. I have a feeling that he is interested in more than just "friends" but I don't think he is interested in more than something casual. He is very good looking and talking to him has made all this easier. I know, able to leap from one relationship to another, look up in the sky-it's a bird, it's a plane, no it's Rebound Man. LOL.
Thing is I got to thinking about the xah. We are still married and will be for a while from the looks of things. I don't think, in fact I know, that I am so not ready to sleep with someone else emotionally or psychologically, the pain is still to raw. I lost the battle. I lost him. I miss him. I miss what he could have been if he had given himself a chance. I fell in love with the possibility, not the reality? I miss what we could have been and what we once for a fleeting moment were.
I left him badly. I don't think he ever really believed me in the last couple of years when I said I wanted out, that it was getting to be too much. Something always came up once I made up my mind to leave. One time I was in a bad car accident, one day I came home and had every intention of telling him I was leaving when he met me in the garage saying his father had had a heart attack. He lost his job another time and I stayed not knowing it was because of the drinking.
When I left we were penniless and up to our ears in liquid debt. We had already lost everything that wasn't paid for. I begged him to get a part time job as his job does not pay overtime and I was already working almost sixty hours a week at my job. He told me that he couldn't because our cell phones had been cut off and no one could get a hold of him. I managed to get and keep jobs with no car, no phone and a small child, his response infuriated me. He was the man, he was supposed to take care of his family. I got angry at him about a month ago, the house smelled like a brewerey/commode and I wanted to get one of those plug in air freshener refills. He said we could not afford it but we had three twelve packs in the dang cart. For the first time in ten years I could not afford to buy my daughter school clothes, but he could buy beer.
Honestly, when I called the police that night it was not that he had hurt me but because I was afraid that he would. I told him the next day I wanted out, he said it wasn't so bad, we hadn't gotten into a serious fight. My first husband beat the living snot out of me, I fight back now and the AH has the scars to prove it. He has a thing about grabbing me by the neck, my nails are real and they grow fast, he has the scars to prove it. Think what you will but I will never allow another man to hurt me like that. If you think it is ok to grab, pull, yank or whatever you will get it back. I may be small but I will defend myself at all costs.
I wonder if he even thinks about me anymore. I honestly wonder if he even remembers what color my eyes are. Why did I fall so badly and deeply in love with some one who could not even remember which one of my two brothers had died? Why do I want to know he is thinking about me or that he is ok? He never worried if I was ok because he always knew I could and would take care of myself. Why did I let this happen to me and more importantly why did I let my daughter be exposed to this? Why can I not allow my self to mourn? I need to cry but I won't let myself and I think the reason I know the reason I am writing this is not so anyone else reads it but because I just need to feel again.
I don't know why but I miss him. I miss the way he looked at me. I miss the way he smiled at me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
You have suffered a loss, a very real loss even if the reality of life with him sucked. You have lost not only him but your dreams of what could/should be. Give yourself time to heal. You will. And if you feel the need for it, try a few seesions of therapy to get you past the rough patches that will come.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
OMG, toomuch4toolong--These are brilliant questions:
Why did I fall so badly and deeply in love with some one who could not even remember which one of my two brothers had died? Why do I want to know he is thinking about me or that he is ok? He never worried if I was ok because he always knew I could and would take care of myself. Why did I let this happen to me and more importantly why did I let my daughter be exposed to this?
If you make a serious attempt to answer these questions and understand the answers, you will grow by leaps and bounds!
I needed help answering these types of heavy questions after my divorce. I found a lo-cost therapy center and got to work for about 9 months with a therapist once a week. This gave me direction and immediately helped me stop beating up on myself for my mistakes and start looking at myself objectively and therapeutically so that I could heal and grow!
I know it is painful but take it as a good sign of your mental health that these questions are begging to be answered.
(((hugs)))
Peace,
B.
Why did I fall so badly and deeply in love with some one who could not even remember which one of my two brothers had died? Why do I want to know he is thinking about me or that he is ok? He never worried if I was ok because he always knew I could and would take care of myself. Why did I let this happen to me and more importantly why did I let my daughter be exposed to this?
If you make a serious attempt to answer these questions and understand the answers, you will grow by leaps and bounds!
I needed help answering these types of heavy questions after my divorce. I found a lo-cost therapy center and got to work for about 9 months with a therapist once a week. This gave me direction and immediately helped me stop beating up on myself for my mistakes and start looking at myself objectively and therapeutically so that I could heal and grow!
I know it is painful but take it as a good sign of your mental health that these questions are begging to be answered.
(((hugs)))
Peace,
B.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hello!
I am currently reading Beyond Codependancy by Melody Beattie. In the book she introduces the idea of ''availability'', from what you have posted here, neither you nor this man are available for a relationship just now.
You sound as though you have a lot of healing to do. Are you in therapy? Perhaps that may help you in dealing with these past events that have scarred your heart and spirit.
Hugs to you toomuch, you are dealing with alot right now, but you can get through this and become stronger for it. I hope you feel better soon. As they say ''this too shall pass'', but usually we have to do some hard work first.
Peace and blessings to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Originally Posted by TooMuch4TooLong 
...Today has been sort of weird for me and I hope you won't judge me for what I am about to say. I have been emailing this guy. He is a family member of someone I work with and lives overseas. He is coming for a visit in about a month and wants to meet me. I have a feeling that he is interested in more than just "friends" but I don't think he is interested in more than something casual...
...We are still married and will be for a while from the looks of things. I don't think, in fact I know, that I am so not ready to sleep with someone else emotionally or psychologically, the pain is still to raw... .
...We are still married and will be for a while from the looks of things. I don't think, in fact I know, that I am so not ready to sleep with someone else emotionally or psychologically, the pain is still to raw... .
You sound as though you have a lot of healing to do. Are you in therapy? Perhaps that may help you in dealing with these past events that have scarred your heart and spirit.
Hugs to you toomuch, you are dealing with alot right now, but you can get through this and become stronger for it. I hope you feel better soon. As they say ''this too shall pass'', but usually we have to do some hard work first.
Peace and blessings to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 163
Thank you everyone. Last night was the first time I really let go. It had been a long time coming and needed to be done. Let the healing begin. I've never been one to jump from one relationship to another, to me that is a dangerous behavior coming out of any relationship. I know me, I need time to think and work on myself first and foremost. When I am ready for something else it will happen. Writing is a huge catharsis for me, always has been. I wrote about a lot of things last night that I just needed to get out of my system and I feel much better for it. I had a bit of a moment today. I was chatting with one of the people who helped me clean up the old house and the conversation turned to what he cleaned. There was pee all over the place and it wasn't from the dog. I was horribly humiliated but know what? I am never going to spend another moment with someone who gets so blotted they can't even control their bodily functions. Onward and upward.
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