Where it all began......
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Where it all began......
I posted over on the ACOA forum about trying to develop a healthy relationship with my mom. I got a couple of really insightful responses over there, but now I’m having some AHA’s that belong here, I think.
Apologies in advance for what’s likely to be a really long post.
It all started last week when I received a letter in the mail from my mom. She apparently resorted to writing the old-fashioned way because I have been distancing myself from her for the past 2-3 years. This year, the only contact we have had has been two phone conversations. I told myself that I just couldn’t be in contact with her because her attitudes/beliefs/way of life were frustrating and annoying to me. She is and always has been extremely codependent and since I started recovery, I see it more clearly than ever.
Anyway, this letter from her got me thinking that maybe part of my healing might be attempting to establish a healthy relationship with my mother. (I know, WHAT was I thinking, lol.) So, I posted over on ACOA and realized no matter how annoying she is, she believes she is doing the right thing, and who am I to take her inventory. So, with all my recovery tools in hand, I sent her an email. In it, I acknowledged my admiration for the good things she has done, including going to court and getting legal custody of my niece and nephew after my brother beat his wife nearly to death, ended up in jail, and the abused wife skipped town. I let her know that I understood how hard it must be for her, raising two small children at an age when she should be kicking back and enjoying life.
I also set a boundary that I no longer wish to have conversations with her regarding my brother, since it is obvious we disagree in our opinions of him. (He lives with her now that he is out of jail, and continues to blame the world for all his problems. Five minutes on the phone with him is all I need to understand that he still does not take personal responsibility for anything that has happened or the way his life has turned out. I have chosen to disengage from him because I cannot listen to his pity party. But, even though I don’t talk to my brother, my mom insists on telling me how ‘great’ he is doing. How he is getting his life back together, turning things around, etc. None of it is true, it’s all just a “campaign speech” to convince me to see things her way.)
She emailed me back and OMG, I could almost see the pout on her face while reading the words! There were so many passive-aggressive comments in that email, it nearly made my head spin. And, everything she said about herself, she referred to as ‘we.’ She calls herself ‘we’ because she speaks for herself and my stepdad. Now, I know he had no part in drafting that email, has no part in the conversations she insists on having with me about my bro, yet she says ‘we’ are sorry you don’t like to talk about your brother. ‘We’ will try not to bring it up anymore. And signs his name (stepdad) to the email! Ugghh! No wonder I turned out to be such a mess.
So, after I calmed down, I emailed her again. This time, I left out all the praise, and reiterated the boundary. We have different opinions about my brother and, given that, it’s best we avoid him as a topic of conversation. I also filled her in on what’s going on in my life, my kid’s lives, etc. I suppose to make the point that there are lots of other things we can talk about.
The AHA for me is that I could feel all my old feelings coming back with just one letter and one email from her. My inadequacy, low self-worth, feelings that something must be wrong with me if I don’t agree with her, the need to prove myself, the need to ‘earn’ her love, and more. So, at first I questioned whether this was a control thing on my part, or a boundary. I didn’t see it as a boundary since nothing she was doing was actually hurting me, and boundaries are to protect oneself. So how could it be a boundary? What was I protecting myself from. NOW I KNOW! She is not just annoying, she is downright dangerous to my recovery! She triggers the crazy thoughts, feelings, and yes, unresolved emotions from my childhood. And now I realize that I am setting a boundary, and I will likely have to set quite a few more if I am going to have a relationship with her. Then again, it might not be time yet to even have a relationship with her, and I may need to just distance myself some more until the time is right.
The other thing that became really clear to me in all this is that my mother (the controlling/passive-aggressive/emotionally manipulative/codependent) did WAY more damage to my psyche as a child than my father (the alcoholic). This is a serious wake-up call to me to remain diligent in my recovery and do everything in my power to not become complacent and risk slipping back into the old behaviors. My children depend on it.
Thank for listening,
L
Apologies in advance for what’s likely to be a really long post.
It all started last week when I received a letter in the mail from my mom. She apparently resorted to writing the old-fashioned way because I have been distancing myself from her for the past 2-3 years. This year, the only contact we have had has been two phone conversations. I told myself that I just couldn’t be in contact with her because her attitudes/beliefs/way of life were frustrating and annoying to me. She is and always has been extremely codependent and since I started recovery, I see it more clearly than ever.
Anyway, this letter from her got me thinking that maybe part of my healing might be attempting to establish a healthy relationship with my mother. (I know, WHAT was I thinking, lol.) So, I posted over on ACOA and realized no matter how annoying she is, she believes she is doing the right thing, and who am I to take her inventory. So, with all my recovery tools in hand, I sent her an email. In it, I acknowledged my admiration for the good things she has done, including going to court and getting legal custody of my niece and nephew after my brother beat his wife nearly to death, ended up in jail, and the abused wife skipped town. I let her know that I understood how hard it must be for her, raising two small children at an age when she should be kicking back and enjoying life.
I also set a boundary that I no longer wish to have conversations with her regarding my brother, since it is obvious we disagree in our opinions of him. (He lives with her now that he is out of jail, and continues to blame the world for all his problems. Five minutes on the phone with him is all I need to understand that he still does not take personal responsibility for anything that has happened or the way his life has turned out. I have chosen to disengage from him because I cannot listen to his pity party. But, even though I don’t talk to my brother, my mom insists on telling me how ‘great’ he is doing. How he is getting his life back together, turning things around, etc. None of it is true, it’s all just a “campaign speech” to convince me to see things her way.)
She emailed me back and OMG, I could almost see the pout on her face while reading the words! There were so many passive-aggressive comments in that email, it nearly made my head spin. And, everything she said about herself, she referred to as ‘we.’ She calls herself ‘we’ because she speaks for herself and my stepdad. Now, I know he had no part in drafting that email, has no part in the conversations she insists on having with me about my bro, yet she says ‘we’ are sorry you don’t like to talk about your brother. ‘We’ will try not to bring it up anymore. And signs his name (stepdad) to the email! Ugghh! No wonder I turned out to be such a mess.
So, after I calmed down, I emailed her again. This time, I left out all the praise, and reiterated the boundary. We have different opinions about my brother and, given that, it’s best we avoid him as a topic of conversation. I also filled her in on what’s going on in my life, my kid’s lives, etc. I suppose to make the point that there are lots of other things we can talk about.
The AHA for me is that I could feel all my old feelings coming back with just one letter and one email from her. My inadequacy, low self-worth, feelings that something must be wrong with me if I don’t agree with her, the need to prove myself, the need to ‘earn’ her love, and more. So, at first I questioned whether this was a control thing on my part, or a boundary. I didn’t see it as a boundary since nothing she was doing was actually hurting me, and boundaries are to protect oneself. So how could it be a boundary? What was I protecting myself from. NOW I KNOW! She is not just annoying, she is downright dangerous to my recovery! She triggers the crazy thoughts, feelings, and yes, unresolved emotions from my childhood. And now I realize that I am setting a boundary, and I will likely have to set quite a few more if I am going to have a relationship with her. Then again, it might not be time yet to even have a relationship with her, and I may need to just distance myself some more until the time is right.
The other thing that became really clear to me in all this is that my mother (the controlling/passive-aggressive/emotionally manipulative/codependent) did WAY more damage to my psyche as a child than my father (the alcoholic). This is a serious wake-up call to me to remain diligent in my recovery and do everything in my power to not become complacent and risk slipping back into the old behaviors. My children depend on it.
Thank for listening,
L
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
The other thing that became really clear to me in all this is that my mother (the controlling/passive-aggressive/emotionally manipulative/codependent) did WAY more damage to my psyche as a child than my father (the alcoholic).
I had a bonus in that my controlling/passive-aggressive/emotionally manipulative/codependent mother was also an alcoholic on top of it. My father was the emotionally and physically abusive alcoholic. Mom was the emotionally unavailable, manipulative, codendependent alcoholic.
Its going to take me a long time to sort thru all the garbage from my childhood. Reading (in here and multitudinous books) is opening my eyes to all sorts of things I had been unaware of.
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Brilliant emotional sleuth-work, LTD
It sounds as though your mom needs to step back into the safety of "we" when she discusses difficult things. (I am a small businessperson, and even though it's only me, I often find myself saying "we" when writing about difficult things like unpaid invoices....and then I think, "who's 'we' ? you got a mouse in your pocket or something, GL???)
How sad for her that she is not strong enough in her own convictions to even stand up for them without backup. Nothing worse than a habitual controller who doesn't even have the courage to control... Maybe that's where the passive-aggression comes in.
How wonderful for you that you've come to this realization, icky as it is.
Of course, now comes the equally hard work of finding a solution, but one day at a time, hm?
Keep up the great healing work, and hold fast to those boundaries. They'll save your life yet.
It sounds as though your mom needs to step back into the safety of "we" when she discusses difficult things. (I am a small businessperson, and even though it's only me, I often find myself saying "we" when writing about difficult things like unpaid invoices....and then I think, "who's 'we' ? you got a mouse in your pocket or something, GL???)
How sad for her that she is not strong enough in her own convictions to even stand up for them without backup. Nothing worse than a habitual controller who doesn't even have the courage to control... Maybe that's where the passive-aggression comes in.
How wonderful for you that you've come to this realization, icky as it is.
Of course, now comes the equally hard work of finding a solution, but one day at a time, hm?
Keep up the great healing work, and hold fast to those boundaries. They'll save your life yet.
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LaTeeDa,
I enjoyed reading you long post. lol Like my mother, yours is a peace keeper. Although you didn't mention it, I'll bet she didn't care too much about the update on your life or your kids. She was mainly focused on convincing you of your brother's recovery. Trying again, as she always does, to keep the peace. Ration the contact with your mother. The pace must be slow enough to keep a handle on your own self worth. As you say, your kids depend on it. You are right to be defensive. You must protect your own strengths, more importantly your weaknesses. Sobriety does open our eyes. It also protects us from falling. With all her faults, she is still your mother. This helps me with my dad. "the key to your emotions is understanding" I love my dad very much because I understand him. He has always been that way. I've got to take him for what he is, good and bad. Growing up with my father was interesting. He ignored us kids unless we did something wrong. Although the attention was negative, we desired attention. It turns out that all of us kids were always in trouble, go figure. As an adult I realize now what had happened. Our need for attention from our parents is such a driving force that we'll almost do anything for it. Now why couldn't he figure that out! I guess he couldn't see the forest for the trees. I hope you and your mother agree to disagree. I hope your brother has learned his lesson and takes the right road in life. I wish you the best of luck and hope you can sift through all the bull and love yourself and all that is around you. Prayers
I enjoyed reading you long post. lol Like my mother, yours is a peace keeper. Although you didn't mention it, I'll bet she didn't care too much about the update on your life or your kids. She was mainly focused on convincing you of your brother's recovery. Trying again, as she always does, to keep the peace. Ration the contact with your mother. The pace must be slow enough to keep a handle on your own self worth. As you say, your kids depend on it. You are right to be defensive. You must protect your own strengths, more importantly your weaknesses. Sobriety does open our eyes. It also protects us from falling. With all her faults, she is still your mother. This helps me with my dad. "the key to your emotions is understanding" I love my dad very much because I understand him. He has always been that way. I've got to take him for what he is, good and bad. Growing up with my father was interesting. He ignored us kids unless we did something wrong. Although the attention was negative, we desired attention. It turns out that all of us kids were always in trouble, go figure. As an adult I realize now what had happened. Our need for attention from our parents is such a driving force that we'll almost do anything for it. Now why couldn't he figure that out! I guess he couldn't see the forest for the trees. I hope you and your mother agree to disagree. I hope your brother has learned his lesson and takes the right road in life. I wish you the best of luck and hope you can sift through all the bull and love yourself and all that is around you. Prayers
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Originally Posted by GiveLove
It sounds as though your mom needs to step back into the safety of "we" when she discusses difficult things.
Sadly, I don't think she knows at all where she ends and others begin. She has no identity at all. She is someone's wife/mother/friend/daughter, and that is her entire definition of herself. I swear you could write a psychology textbook entirely about her. She is the definition of codependent. And she's quite proud of it, too.
This is probably why it's so important for her that I agree with her about my brother, or anything else. Her identity depends on validation from others.
L
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Originally Posted by HopeTo180
Although you didn't mention it, I'll bet she didn't care too much about the update on your life or your kids.
But, you're right, she has never really been that interested in my life or my kids lives because she is too focused on whoever needs rescuing at the moment.
(And that's usually my brother)L
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
The other thing that became really clear to me in all this is that my mother (the controlling/passive-aggressive/emotionally manipulative/codependent) did WAY more damage to my psyche as a child than my father (the alcoholic). This is a serious wake-up call to me to remain diligent in my recovery and do everything in my power to not become complacent and risk slipping back into the old behaviors. My children depend on it.
Another awesome post L
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Originally Posted by Jazzman
This goes back to when I would say the cycle must stop with me. I will be accountable to make it stop with me. My kids are too important. And IMO that's THE most important lesson to be learned by spouses and parents who frequent the F&F forum.
They are both in therapy and having to deal with the fact that their father (a codependent to his alcoholic wife I am coming to see) has disowned both of them for no good reason. But both seem to be doing well overall with his rejection and see the unhealthy behaviors their father, step mother, and former step father for what they are. They are much more aware than I was at their ages.
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I haven't got very far in this area. One day I did notice I was calling my mother far less often than I used to. It's reassuring to me, because I recognize I am protecting myself.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for sharing.
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Originally Posted by Jazzman
This goes back to when I would say the cycle must stop with me. I will be accountable to make it stop with me. My kids are too important. And IMO that's THE most important lesson to be learned by spouses and parents who frequent the F&F forum.
But, I must agree. The cycle stops with me! Wow, that's empowering!
L
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Hey LTD--
My first experience with one on one therapy was in my early twenties and I walked in there thinking it would be all about my A father and all the alcoholic insanity I had lived with as a kid/teen.
But it quickly became very much about my mother. I remember the feeling of AHA so well sitting in that therapists's office.
I am really struggling with my feelings about my mother and how to handle her codie behavior, her enabling of my little A bro and her phenomenal ability to deny the past, and present reality.
My dad who brought all that alcoholic hell into our lives actually became the most mentally healthy, sane, and enlightened person once he found recovery/AA/sobriety. It was an amazing transformation. Even his death was like this amazing peaceful transformative moment.
Like yours Jazz- my mom has not changed one bit. She defends the way she is like a pit bull, and drives me cuckoo. I am actually scared of her I think...she's a bully. And she's like this "great lady" to everyone outside of our family. She volunteers all over the place - she does some amazing "good" things for society, she went in the Peace Corps while in her sixties for God's sake!! She still works part time because she doesn't like "retirement."
And even as I admire all these things about her I have always resented this standing she has in people's eyes. She's just like the alcoholic who thinks they are high-functioning and therefore unique and not so f**ed up. Like, if all the world loves me then my kids must just be wrong about me!! I don't know...it really brings me dowwwwwwnnnnn to even think about her. I wish I could be more zen about her.
I KNOW I am not doing the work I need to be doing in relation to my mother. It just seems so HUGE, where do I begin, how do I begin....ugh I can't even begin!
I just avoid. Avoidance=the beggar's detachment. I'll pay for it one day I know....
Thanks for this insightful thread--- this really made me stop:
She is not just annoying, she is downright dangerous to my recovery! She triggers the crazy thoughts, feelings, and yes, unresolved emotions from my childhood.
Wow. Maybe that is true in my case too....maybe that's why I just avoid and do the minimal amount of attention-giving I have to to just keep her from sending me a letter or questioning my "filial loyalty" or whatever...
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Peace,
B.
My first experience with one on one therapy was in my early twenties and I walked in there thinking it would be all about my A father and all the alcoholic insanity I had lived with as a kid/teen.
But it quickly became very much about my mother. I remember the feeling of AHA so well sitting in that therapists's office.
I am really struggling with my feelings about my mother and how to handle her codie behavior, her enabling of my little A bro and her phenomenal ability to deny the past, and present reality.
My dad who brought all that alcoholic hell into our lives actually became the most mentally healthy, sane, and enlightened person once he found recovery/AA/sobriety. It was an amazing transformation. Even his death was like this amazing peaceful transformative moment.
Like yours Jazz- my mom has not changed one bit. She defends the way she is like a pit bull, and drives me cuckoo. I am actually scared of her I think...she's a bully. And she's like this "great lady" to everyone outside of our family. She volunteers all over the place - she does some amazing "good" things for society, she went in the Peace Corps while in her sixties for God's sake!! She still works part time because she doesn't like "retirement."
And even as I admire all these things about her I have always resented this standing she has in people's eyes. She's just like the alcoholic who thinks they are high-functioning and therefore unique and not so f**ed up. Like, if all the world loves me then my kids must just be wrong about me!! I don't know...it really brings me dowwwwwwnnnnn to even think about her. I wish I could be more zen about her.
I KNOW I am not doing the work I need to be doing in relation to my mother. It just seems so HUGE, where do I begin, how do I begin....ugh I can't even begin!
I just avoid. Avoidance=the beggar's detachment. I'll pay for it one day I know....
Thanks for this insightful thread--- this really made me stop:
She is not just annoying, she is downright dangerous to my recovery! She triggers the crazy thoughts, feelings, and yes, unresolved emotions from my childhood.
Wow. Maybe that is true in my case too....maybe that's why I just avoid and do the minimal amount of attention-giving I have to to just keep her from sending me a letter or questioning my "filial loyalty" or whatever...
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Peace,
B.
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
..The other thing that became really clear to me in all this is that my mother (the controlling/passive-aggressive/emotionally manipulative/codependent) did WAY more damage to my psyche as a child than my father (the alcoholic)...
It has been a big question to me since i was a teenager, 'why do I do the things I do?' I don't mean to make light of living in an alcoholic home, but the subtilties of living with a codependant family did make for finding the reasons behind my damaging behaviours difficult. I spent a long time thinking it was me, that I was somehow defective because there were no obvious problems at home.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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LTD - I really admire you for taking a step forwrd to reach out to your mom and your resolve to not pass along this toxic behaviour. That took a lot of courage and might not have had the desired results you were hoping for - but I have a feeling that, in some way, you expected the response you received.
My recent therapy sessions have revolved around my relationship I have with my mom - the person who taught me to be a codependent.
In the beginning, my behaviours towards her were mostly reactive to things she would say or do. Boundaries did work for me - though I feel like I was dealing with a child who was constantly testing to see when I'd throw up my hands and say to hell with trying to keep the boundaries and simply react. Her controlling behaviour did soften a bit over time - but I think when things started moving when when I set a boundary for myself...
I vowed to only communicate with her when I felt strong, and the lense through which I viewed my self-worth was real and not warped.
I still have a long way to go - but like you, feel as though true recovery means using the tools I've learned. Instead of running from difficult people, I can deal with them on my terms, in my own way, on my own choosing
My recent therapy sessions have revolved around my relationship I have with my mom - the person who taught me to be a codependent.
In the beginning, my behaviours towards her were mostly reactive to things she would say or do. Boundaries did work for me - though I feel like I was dealing with a child who was constantly testing to see when I'd throw up my hands and say to hell with trying to keep the boundaries and simply react. Her controlling behaviour did soften a bit over time - but I think when things started moving when when I set a boundary for myself...
I vowed to only communicate with her when I felt strong, and the lense through which I viewed my self-worth was real and not warped.
I still have a long way to go - but like you, feel as though true recovery means using the tools I've learned. Instead of running from difficult people, I can deal with them on my terms, in my own way, on my own choosing
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Excellent food for thought LTD. I did not grow up in an alcoholic home, but I may as well have. My father was one hell of a dry drunk if you ask me. He was very emotionally/verbally/physically abusive with all 7 of us kids and our mom. I used to think he was the source of all of my problems, but I am just starting to think more about my mom's role in our lives. She is the queen of co-dependency, but she is also more passive than it sounds like your mom is. Mine is so nice that it's hard to be mad at her. My role- as the oldest, was sounding board and protector of all of my siblings as well as my mom. Man, did that do a number on me. My dad has settled down (no more physical abuse) and is not as bad as he was verbally, but my mom hasn't changed much at all. So, how do I protect myself now that I'm an adult? I'm finding myself noting red flags when I talk to her on the phone- so there's a start! My life this past year has been all about trying to get through some pretty big stuff with a divorce in process, but I think I'll start looking more at my family of origin stuff now too. Thanks for sharing.
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LTD- I have been thinking about this post for a day now. Should I post?? should I just read and think to my self? I was thinking about it last night, in my family the alcoholism goes back as far as anyone can remember.
My Dad was a functional A. He worked, and did his own thing. They did a better job with their family than they had when they were kids. Each had and Alcoholic parent.
My Mom was the codependent and she never got any treatment that I know of. My Dad was mean to her, a lot when we were kids but she just kept taking it. I think I learned from her to put up with verbal abuse.
When she became ill with cancer in 2000 and then passed away in 2001 ( sick about 3mos from dx to death, you just never know..) I learned just how much "help" she was giving my brothers. (Dad passed 1991)
Middle bother- lived in same town with Mom. The brother was about 38 at the time, with live in girl friend. Mom was balancing his check book, and doing his laundry. He was taking advantage of her with money, having to do with a house of hers that he was buying. This still pisses me off because she could have lived an easier life if he wouldn't have been milking her for money. I hold a resentment
I was driving the hour to her house, to clean it, and pay her bills, (he once called me to come clean the cats liter box,) She got confused due to disease process, and could not manage her check book, she asked me to balance my brothers also! Woman is dying and still trying to take care of her boys.
My baby brother, 36 at the time was also milking her for money. She told me when I took over her finances that she had co-signed for my b-brother on a car loan. Co-signed turned out to be buying a car, and getting insurance on a said car. His name was nowhere on any of the paper work. This brother is an A and drug addict, and she gave him a car to drive. She had very little money in the bank and was in the hosp from thanksgiving time unil her death in Jan. My brothers were both calling me to complain about how the other was taking advantage of Mom.
I was so overwhelmed dealing with this, that I had a major codie slip. I stoped Al-anon as I was too busy. (Biggest mistake I could have made.) Keeping up her home, my home, my kids, my job, my drinking spouse was a supporive as he had ever been but I see now that he was just looking out for himself making sure I had time to take care of his stuff. All in all a very diffiuclt time. I lost my Mom, I do not really have contact with my brothers. I just don't do well around them. Brings up the old feelings. I lost about 2 years, like an A who slips and it takes years to get back to AA. I lost alot of time and sliped back into old behaviors. I crawled back to Al-anon. Not in the black pit I had been in when I first got there but I could see the pit looming!
I am rambling. But I did learn a lot from this experience. I do contact my brothers at Christmas. They don't usually contact me unless they want something. B-brother did come to my oldest kids graduation.(2005) No other contact unless I do the calling. Middle brother I have even less contact with. I feel bad for my kids they notice.... What I have to remember is I can't fix this any more than I can fix my AH.
The amount of contact I have with them is most likely all I can handle. Maybe my higher power is helping me out here.
LTD- I will keep you in my thoughts, I hope you can find a way to deal with your Mom is a way that lets you keep yourself sane. I think dealing with family is diffiuclt and somehow different than dealing with a spouse or sig other.
:ghug3
My Dad was a functional A. He worked, and did his own thing. They did a better job with their family than they had when they were kids. Each had and Alcoholic parent.
My Mom was the codependent and she never got any treatment that I know of. My Dad was mean to her, a lot when we were kids but she just kept taking it. I think I learned from her to put up with verbal abuse.
When she became ill with cancer in 2000 and then passed away in 2001 ( sick about 3mos from dx to death, you just never know..) I learned just how much "help" she was giving my brothers. (Dad passed 1991)
Middle bother- lived in same town with Mom. The brother was about 38 at the time, with live in girl friend. Mom was balancing his check book, and doing his laundry. He was taking advantage of her with money, having to do with a house of hers that he was buying. This still pisses me off because she could have lived an easier life if he wouldn't have been milking her for money. I hold a resentment
I was driving the hour to her house, to clean it, and pay her bills, (he once called me to come clean the cats liter box,) She got confused due to disease process, and could not manage her check book, she asked me to balance my brothers also! Woman is dying and still trying to take care of her boys. My baby brother, 36 at the time was also milking her for money. She told me when I took over her finances that she had co-signed for my b-brother on a car loan. Co-signed turned out to be buying a car, and getting insurance on a said car. His name was nowhere on any of the paper work. This brother is an A and drug addict, and she gave him a car to drive. She had very little money in the bank and was in the hosp from thanksgiving time unil her death in Jan. My brothers were both calling me to complain about how the other was taking advantage of Mom.
I was so overwhelmed dealing with this, that I had a major codie slip. I stoped Al-anon as I was too busy. (Biggest mistake I could have made.) Keeping up her home, my home, my kids, my job, my drinking spouse was a supporive as he had ever been but I see now that he was just looking out for himself making sure I had time to take care of his stuff. All in all a very diffiuclt time. I lost my Mom, I do not really have contact with my brothers. I just don't do well around them. Brings up the old feelings. I lost about 2 years, like an A who slips and it takes years to get back to AA. I lost alot of time and sliped back into old behaviors. I crawled back to Al-anon. Not in the black pit I had been in when I first got there but I could see the pit looming!
I am rambling. But I did learn a lot from this experience. I do contact my brothers at Christmas. They don't usually contact me unless they want something. B-brother did come to my oldest kids graduation.(2005) No other contact unless I do the calling. Middle brother I have even less contact with. I feel bad for my kids they notice.... What I have to remember is I can't fix this any more than I can fix my AH.
The amount of contact I have with them is most likely all I can handle. Maybe my higher power is helping me out here.
LTD- I will keep you in my thoughts, I hope you can find a way to deal with your Mom is a way that lets you keep yourself sane. I think dealing with family is diffiuclt and somehow different than dealing with a spouse or sig other.
:ghug3
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
The other thing that became really clear to me in all this is that my mother (the controlling/passive-aggressive/emotionally manipulative/codependent) did WAY more damage to my psyche as a child than my father (the alcoholic).
Thank you for sharing this L it touched me a lot....
About 4 years ago I wrote to my mother after a long time of not speaking to her-not only is my mother all the things you mentioned she has some mental issues as well which she was hospitalized for at one time. (She is a nurse and my Father was a doctor)-amazing how you would think they would know better... NOT!
Anyway...to shorten my story-I wrote my mother a letter as I thought it was time to confront her-low and behold-IT WAS NOT! She made me feel the same way again very low etc...I cried got wound up in knots for days!
I worked a lot with this issue of my relationship with my mother for a few years one on one with my counselor. It was painful very painful-I use to always think everything was my fault-the fights, the comments (Telling me one time that "I should go find my real mother because she did not want me either"-I was adopted) so on and so on.....
I learned the hardest thing that I ever could with a lot of hard painful work that yes my mother thought she was doing the right thing....the thing it turned out to be is she was doing the best that she was capable because of the (horrible) hand she was dealt growing up...she never knew any better-(Just as Jazz pointed out)
Today I have forgiven her for most of the damage and decided that in order to have a relationship with my mother that I never had I had to set my boundaries with her-(I did not tell her the boundary/boundaries) I put them in place and when I began to feel an argument brewing on the phone I kindly would say that I have to go....this went on and on-and she became angry (the better change in me) I no longer allowed her to make me feel the way she had since I was a child....knowing that she does not know any better but claims too-this went on for almost 2 years-and when she did something that I felt the need to confront or speak up about I did so-and it felt awesome!
Today my mother and I get along great-we still have our moments-and we talked heart to heart one day and she apologized that her mother never gave her the kind of love she needed and that it poured out onto her children...she apologized for my A father and brothers...etc...
My Mom never hangs up the phone today without saying "I love you" and the better part she follows through with action-behind her words-I know she will never change on some levels but I'm grateful and blessed that she has to a point I can have a real relationship with her today...before it is too late.
L-it takes time and you do have the tools and the strength as I have seen in so many of your posts....focusing our minds on today and not on the past is a hard thing to do if we have not recovered from all the tragedy that was handed to us...reach inside and hold that little girls hand and walk her through slowly-let her know it is ok-
Thank you again for sharing this! Prayers to you-
The cycle stops with me! Wow, that's empowering!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Wow, so many amazing and brilliant things have been shared on this thread. Thank you everyone.
I have to say that I was really surprised at the realization that limiting contact with my mom was protecting myself. I guess I thought I had a enough of a "handle" on my recovery to deal with her just fine. Boy, was I wrong.
I noticed over the few days of this interaction:
I forgot all about gratitude.
I forgot all about staying in the present moment.
I forgot all about being gentle with myself.
If that isn't scary enough, I also had some physical reactions that I have not had since separating from my AH:
I got heartburn and indigestion.
I had trouble sleeping through the night, waking and being unable to get back to sleep.
I felt tired and unmotivated.
I have the tools if I choose to have interaction with my mom, but I must remember to take it slow and in small doses. It's been a real learning experience.
L
I have to say that I was really surprised at the realization that limiting contact with my mom was protecting myself. I guess I thought I had a enough of a "handle" on my recovery to deal with her just fine. Boy, was I wrong.
I noticed over the few days of this interaction:
I forgot all about gratitude.
I forgot all about staying in the present moment.
I forgot all about being gentle with myself.
If that isn't scary enough, I also had some physical reactions that I have not had since separating from my AH:
I got heartburn and indigestion.
I had trouble sleeping through the night, waking and being unable to get back to sleep.
I felt tired and unmotivated.
I have the tools if I choose to have interaction with my mom, but I must remember to take it slow and in small doses. It's been a real learning experience.
L
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Amazing how just when we think we can conquer the world these little things turn up-however L- recovery is amazing and yup small doses (baby steps) and we become even
stronger-everyday. You have astounded me and helped me in my recovery so much and I'm blessed that I could share and hopefully have helped you in some little way.
You are an amazing source of strength around here L!
stronger-everyday. You have astounded me and helped me in my recovery so much and I'm blessed that I could share and hopefully have helped you in some little way.
You are an amazing source of strength around here L!
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