decenda

I am new here and have spent the morning reading through posts and decided that it would be therapeutic to make my own... as I can't find anyone who is in exactly the same situation I actually didn't go to work today because I needed a "mental health day"... meaning I have been pushing thoughts into the back of my head too long and they have started to come out whether I like it or not... so I am devoting today to thinking about things.

I had a pretty happy childhood, from what I can remember. My parents divorced when I was 5 because my dad was/is an alcoholic... and he was in halfway homes, rehab clinics, or gone for most of my life. I remember them fighting when I was really little, but honestly I don't have any anger towards him... although it might have been cool having him around.

My mom took care of me by herself for most of my life... she did a good job of providing for me. She is a very intelligent and creative woman and always encouraged my learning and creative endeavors. I was an only child and very spoiled with love and attention. I don't remember her ever drinking until I was in 6th grade.

I am not really sure what happened to her when I turned middle school age... but it started with her being on the internet all the time (this was when it first became "mainstream") and she would ignore me to go talk to her online friends... I remember literally begging for her to talk to me and she would just tell me to go find something else to do.

Then she fell in love with some guy on the internet and that ended badly and she started drinking... heavily. I don't think she's stopped since then. She seemed so angry at the world and she took it all out on me. She called me names, told me I worthless and didn't deserve any friends, forgot to pick me up places, drank with me in the car, etc. I remember yelling at her a lot because I didn't know how to deal with the situation. She would go out to bars at night and I'd be so worried she wouldn't come home that I would sit next to the door until her car pulled up in the driveway then run upstairs and pretend I had been asleep. I would also try to pour her vodka bottles down the sink and she would get angry and say "THE ALCOHOL WAS HERE BEFORE YOU!"

She ended up dating this guy (who eventually lived with us for a while) who turned out to like to look at naked dead people on the internet... he was a real creep. They would get angry and throw things at each other.

After that guy, she met her current husband. She really toned down the drinking when he came around, which I was very thankful for. I think she was finally "happy". That lasted for a while until HE started to drink nightly and she decided to join him. Now they drink every night together... they are both functional but I believe they are both alcoholics.

Anyway, my problem is this... I am still very angry about what she put me through and I am more angry at the fact that she acts like she doesn't remember any of it. And while she isn't mean or violent towards me when she drinks now, I still CAN NOT be around her while she is the SLIGHTEST bit drunk without all those feelings coming back. I can't even speak to her on the phone if I can tell she has been drinking. She is trying to be so nice to me now but I can't bring myself to forgive her while she is still drinking. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A BABY

I just want the mother back that I had before all this happened...

I am 24 and have graduated college and moved across the country (mostly to rid myself of old haunts)-- I moved over 2 years ago and my mom hasn't made a real effort to come and see me. She keeps blaming it on money but she has had more than enough time to save. I have gone home to visit her twice... both times were just a flood of bad memories and they didn't go well. She feels like she is better now and shouldn't have to put up with me being angry at her having a few drinks.

It's time for me to start making plans for the holidays and I am not sure what to do. I miss her but I don't think I am ready to deal with her yet... I think I am still in the beginning of the healing process. I don't know how to explain that to her without her getting upset? Regardless of how angry I seem, I don't think I could cut her out of my life completely. She is the only person in the world who loves me unconditionally. I just know that if I go home it won't go well.. it just sets me back in the healing process. Also, its sort of "her turn" to come see me.

Last time I went to visit her, my "step dad" poured vodka down my mom's throat all night and then he took my boyfriend out on the porch and told my boyfriend what a horrible person I was. I don't ever want to see him again in my life. Who does that? It was the first time I had ever brought a guy home and that's how they act!

I just don't know what to do. I feel guilty for not wanting to go home.

endzoner

Decenda.. hi and welcome to SR , you have every right to feel the way you do and its completely understandble , keep reading here too there are many like you who share the same situations . Have you thought about seeking Alanon ? It can help you understand what it is and why they are the way they are . Alanon is a wondeful program and so many share th same feeling and emotions . Its an Illness and cant be controled till they get help for them selfs , as much as you want that for you mom , its there choice you cant make um get help . but you can get help for yourself I hope you find serenity and understanding in these forums . Peace be with you Mrs O

lost111

Hey,
We don't have the exact situation, but there are commonalities. my mom often tries to pretend like nothing has happened, even though I confronted her while catching her drinking and told her to tell me what was going on or i would never speak to her again. it is frustrating and hurtful. I feel I can't forgive her because what she is doing is hurting everyone, not just herself. Don't feel like a 'baby', you are far from that. I wish I had advice, but being in this situation, all I can say is be strong and keep coming back here. It really does help knowing there are people who understand and care.

decenda

Thanks for the responses!

What's hard is that when she is sober she is my best friend in the world. And she honestly isn't abusive anymore... but seeing her even the slightest bit drunk brings back all the horrible memories. I feel like a brat/child, but I almost feel like out of respect for me she shouldn't drink around me anymore. My mom and step dad act like that the no-drinking thing is a HUGE request--but when I logically think about it... it's not. I've been warped by them. A lot of my boyfriend's family are Mormon and he and his parents don't drink when they go to visit them... out of respect of their beliefs... and it isn't even questioned. This is a completely different situation but the point is still there--it's not a big request. Her being hesitant to not drink while I am around makes me feel like she still has issues. When I used to visit her in college, for a few hours on sundays or something, she would be sober... but when I go home for a week or longer she has problems.

I also only call her while she is at work because that is when she is sober. I avoid calling her in the afternoons after she has been home and had a few glasses of wine. She doesn't say anything mean to me if she is drunk, but again it's just the flood of bad memories of things she USED to say when she was drunk.

I think she is feeling "I'm not hurting anyone anymore so what's the big deal if I have a few glasses of wine every night?"

It's bad, but I almost wish she would have STAYED a bad alcoholic so it would be easier for me to make the decision to not see her anymore. Now it's like all the issues she created have been dropped on my shoulders and now its MY fault our relationship is messed up (because I haven't gotten over stuff)

The price of the plane ticket home for christmas is $1400 (ridiculous) and I still haven't decided if I'm ready to go see her. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with the situation if it goes poorly.

decenda

not that anyone cares, but after I posted that I called my mom and offered to buy her and my step dad tickets to fly out here in December. if they fly out in the middle of December I can fly both of them out here for the same price as my flying by myself. Then it can be a joint Thanksgiving and Christmas!

I think not being in my house will be better for my bad memories and they haven't come to visit me in California yet. besides, the weather here is way better

I told her to get back to me tomorrow... hope she says yes. this would also be better for my phobia of flying. 4 hour flights in the winter are pretty bumpy

dothi

Hey decanda, so what was your mom's response? Was it yes, "I'm going to be a responsible parent and take a healthy interest in my successful, independent daughter's life"? Or was it, "No, because if I visit you I'll have to cap my drinking, and I'd rather drink than get to know how much you've grown and accomplished"?

I'm not trying to be harsh. I just hope you haven't set yourself up for a big emotional downfall. Alcoholic parents have this incredible way of disappointing us - especially when we've done and planned everything so well that we believe *this time* they'll be happy enough to be that loving parent we've missed so much. And that's because often we're still relying on them *too much* to feel acknowledged, validated, and recognized. Your relationship with your mom reminds me a lot of mine with my dad, and so I hope (for your sake) that yours plays out differently. Keep us posted and good luck!

decenda

She seems excited to come out here. I am not so certain about my step dad. I wish it was just my mother... he is the one who encourages her drinking (mostly so he doesn't have to do it alone). He is the one who starts arguments about my issues with my mother drinking around me (him: "stop trying to tell her what to do!! She can drink if she wants! You drink sometimes!"). But he doesn't pour the alcohol down her throat... so it's partly her fault for being a doormat.

I am fully prepared for this to go really poorly. I am not that great of an entertainer in the first place... haha. Part of me is doing this to test the depth of my issues... whether they have gotten any better. Part of is that I really miss my mother and want to see her. Part of it is that I feel weird for not having seen my parents in over a year... like something is wrong with me. (I need to stop comparing myself to the "norm" in society)

I know my mom wants to be my friend, and I know she loves me and is very proud of me... but the woman needs to emotionally confront the things she did to me and stop denying them. When I did confront her it was always "OKAY! I GET IT! I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON!! WHY DONT YOU JUST KILL ME NOW!!" which seems to be common after reading some posts around here. Actually I sent her a nicely worded e-mail once, and her reason for drinking was that "you were growing up and hanging out with your friends and didnt need me anymore so I was lonely" --- WHAT?! Her reason is a back-handed attempt at BLAIMING ME? I am still pretty defensive and in denial about my mother... and I even recognized that.

There is just soooo much guilt that I have been carrying that I haven't even discovered yet. And then there is the guilt about thinking bad things about my mother and the guilt about not wanting to see her, and the guilt about not being able to "get over" this. guilt guilt guilt guilt

dothi

Let me pose this question to you: what is it that you've done to feel so guilty? Are you a bad daughter? Hmmm, no, judging by your recent actions (wanting to see your mom), nope not at all. So why do you feel guilty?

I think that because you're mom refuses to take responsibility for her actions, YOU are taking responsibility for her. Your mom *should* feel guilty, but she doesn't, so you feel guilty for her. The magic fix is that the moment she does take responsibility for her actions, she'll lift that guilt from your shoulders and you'll finally be relieved of that burden. And that's what you've been waiting for, right? When you can finally have RELIEF from all this guilt!

At this point, if you haven't read the "Adult Children of Alcoholics Sourcebook", I highly recommend signing it out of the library and giving it a good read.

In the meantime, I know where that guilt you haven't discovered yet is waiting: it's the guilt you're mom hasn't piled on you yet. I mean, didn't you feel the least bit guilty when your mom said it was your fault for going out and being with friends when you were younger (leaving her alone to drink)? All this time you should have been feeling guilty while you out with your friends - how could you? Of course that's a load of crap - you recognized that right away! But what about while your mom is visiting and a friend asks you to hang out - are you going to stay home because if you go out, your mom will have no choice but to drink? Are you going to blow off your friend because she just doesn't understand that you *need* to stay home so that your mom doesn't feel lonely and drink? Can you see where this is going?

Decenda, until you do a bit of reading or google "toxic guilt", you definitely need to know this: it is OKAY to not like your mom. Of course you still love her - she's your mom! But it is OKAY not to like her at times, and it is definitely JUST FINE for you to be upset and think bad things about her. You are NOT a bad daughter because you feel hurt when someone hurts you.