My thinking
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Great Lake Country
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My thinking
One of the interesting things my therapist said is that there are facts, opinions, and emotions/feelings involved with life. You have to be very cognizant of all of these things.
I would like a an answer from all of you that are now in good relationships about what you do given these situations.
If you're traveling away from your family, do you call home on a regular basis to keep in touch? What is that regular basis?
If you make plans with your significant other, and something comes up thats work related but optional, do you ask the SO to go, or do you just say you're going and drop the plans with your SO?
I have my own ideas about each of these questions, but I want to compare my ideas to the overall feeling of the group.
Redd
I would like a an answer from all of you that are now in good relationships about what you do given these situations.
If you're traveling away from your family, do you call home on a regular basis to keep in touch? What is that regular basis?
If you make plans with your significant other, and something comes up thats work related but optional, do you ask the SO to go, or do you just say you're going and drop the plans with your SO?
I have my own ideas about each of these questions, but I want to compare my ideas to the overall feeling of the group.
Redd
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
My AH and I call each other every day we are apart, usually at least once a day.
If we have plans and my AH gets called on by his boss to entertain clients, than I don't go. Otherwise, he wouldn't break plans with me for any work related event. He'd ask me if I wanted to go, and if I said yes we might go. But otherwise, he's more for keeping work at work.
If we have plans and my AH gets called on by his boss to entertain clients, than I don't go. Otherwise, he wouldn't break plans with me for any work related event. He'd ask me if I wanted to go, and if I said yes we might go. But otherwise, he's more for keeping work at work.
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Location: in my own world~
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Hi Redd~~My hubby had to go to Boston this summer for a week and called me at least 2/daily... when he goes golfing with the guys he calls me throughout the day. When I'm away I call home every few hours. Sometimes I wonder what we did without cell phones. No matter what?? work or play we always call each other and know exactly where the other person is.. Hope your doing well and enjoying the calmness. Smiles, Bonnie
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
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This sounds like a power struggle in the making.
To answer your question: if it was very important for my husband to break off plans with me for a work related event, most likely I would be okay with it. If it was my 25th annniversary we had planned on all year, airline tickets etc etc... that might make things different. The circumstances would make a huge difference.
We are a team, and if his status at work would improve I would want him to do take care of his job and postpone our plans to be together. I go along if possible or simply enjoy some 'me' time while he's away.
btw...My husband calls me twice a day from work just to say "Hi beautiful" or to discuss something that's going on in our lives. If I am away or he is away we usually do the same thing unless it would interfere with whatever one of us is doing.
Both of us have over the years taken fishing trips, work related retreats or time away with a friend(s) or alone. In those cases we might arrange a preset time of day or way to communicate and we always provide a way to be contacted in case of an emergency.
To answer your question: if it was very important for my husband to break off plans with me for a work related event, most likely I would be okay with it. If it was my 25th annniversary we had planned on all year, airline tickets etc etc... that might make things different. The circumstances would make a huge difference.
We are a team, and if his status at work would improve I would want him to do take care of his job and postpone our plans to be together. I go along if possible or simply enjoy some 'me' time while he's away.
btw...My husband calls me twice a day from work just to say "Hi beautiful" or to discuss something that's going on in our lives. If I am away or he is away we usually do the same thing unless it would interfere with whatever one of us is doing.
Both of us have over the years taken fishing trips, work related retreats or time away with a friend(s) or alone. In those cases we might arrange a preset time of day or way to communicate and we always provide a way to be contacted in case of an emergency.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Originally Posted by cmc 
This sounds like a power struggle in the making.
I used to look for (and find) all kinds of ammunition to use against him. Overwhelming evidence that his behavior was screwed up.
So glad I stopped banging my head against that brick wall.
L
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
xAH and I had a tradition - as soon as our plane landed anywhere in the world, the first thing we did was call the other to let them know we were safe.
We had a standing lunch date once a week, every Wednesday, at our favorite Italian restaurant where we'd sit and talk for 3 hours or more. We had movie night. We cooked together. And we talked; boy, did we talk.
We spent lots of time together and some time apart on business or family visit trips.
We had a lovely home, a great circle of friends and a successful business.
xAH also verbally abused me. He had sex with other women. He drank and drank and then for good measure, drank some more.
Did the time spent together, the phone calls while apart and the lovely lunches make up for the verbal abuse, etc.? No, they did not. I used to believe my life with xAH couldn't be all bad because of the "good times" we had. Today, I don't measure things that way.
I spent a lot of time looking for validation that xAH was treating me "wrong." All it did was drag out the inevitable - that I needed to change myself.
We had a standing lunch date once a week, every Wednesday, at our favorite Italian restaurant where we'd sit and talk for 3 hours or more. We had movie night. We cooked together. And we talked; boy, did we talk.
We spent lots of time together and some time apart on business or family visit trips.
We had a lovely home, a great circle of friends and a successful business.
xAH also verbally abused me. He had sex with other women. He drank and drank and then for good measure, drank some more.
Did the time spent together, the phone calls while apart and the lovely lunches make up for the verbal abuse, etc.? No, they did not. I used to believe my life with xAH couldn't be all bad because of the "good times" we had. Today, I don't measure things that way.
I spent a lot of time looking for validation that xAH was treating me "wrong." All it did was drag out the inevitable - that I needed to change myself.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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My exH would drop me and the kids like a hot potato for any thing work related.
I was never first on his list or felt like we had a partnership...hence the Ex!
With my BF, well I guess he's my SO since we're together more than 7 yrs now, we are really partners - I guess kind of like cmc described - if it was an important work event that would help him I wouldn't be bothered by changing plans, but if we had BIG plans or it was an important family celebration he would bow out of work for sure. If it was appropriate to invite me along to the work event he would actually love it if I would come.
If we are traveling for work or play we speak minimum 1X a day - usually at night to catch up. But we might also text little dispatches throughout the day. When we are both local we speak often during the day - or at the end of the work day if it's been a heavy, busy day.
Peace-
B.
I was never first on his list or felt like we had a partnership...hence the Ex!
With my BF, well I guess he's my SO since we're together more than 7 yrs now, we are really partners - I guess kind of like cmc described - if it was an important work event that would help him I wouldn't be bothered by changing plans, but if we had BIG plans or it was an important family celebration he would bow out of work for sure. If it was appropriate to invite me along to the work event he would actually love it if I would come.
If we are traveling for work or play we speak minimum 1X a day - usually at night to catch up. But we might also text little dispatches throughout the day. When we are both local we speak often during the day - or at the end of the work day if it's been a heavy, busy day.
Peace-
B.
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Location: Great Lake Country
Posts: 333
I didn't clarify it enough...
Although people got it close.
I don't want a power struggle. I just want to know if what I'm asking is too much for a "normal" relationship. I realize I'm involved in anything but a normal relationship, but I want to know what reality should be.
The reason this came up was because the AW and I were supposed to have a date night before her trip. We made plans for dinner and a movie. On my drive home, she called, said she was going to the bar to have drinks with her co workers. By the time she got out we didn't have time to go to dinner and a movie, so we decided to grill. She also lied about the amount she drank at the bar. While I was grilling, she was drinking, so after dinner, she couldn't pick a movie, then she started blackberrying, and then passed out.
It annoyed me.... I suppose that I should just let it go, because its not doing anything for my health or sanity.
What makes it worse is that if the opposite occurs, then all hell breaks loose.
So, I hope you understand the reason for the reality check. Am I crazy, or too demanding?
Redd
Although people got it close.
I don't want a power struggle. I just want to know if what I'm asking is too much for a "normal" relationship. I realize I'm involved in anything but a normal relationship, but I want to know what reality should be.
The reason this came up was because the AW and I were supposed to have a date night before her trip. We made plans for dinner and a movie. On my drive home, she called, said she was going to the bar to have drinks with her co workers. By the time she got out we didn't have time to go to dinner and a movie, so we decided to grill. She also lied about the amount she drank at the bar. While I was grilling, she was drinking, so after dinner, she couldn't pick a movie, then she started blackberrying, and then passed out.
It annoyed me.... I suppose that I should just let it go, because its not doing anything for my health or sanity.
What makes it worse is that if the opposite occurs, then all hell breaks loose.
So, I hope you understand the reason for the reality check. Am I crazy, or too demanding?
Redd
Rediscovering myself
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 231
I think all that is negotiable. Some people need more and some people need less. I don't care when I get called as long as the calls happen when they're supposed to happen. When I would travel for business, AH always wanted me to call him after work, so around 7pm, I obliged. Any other calls were gravy, but not necessary.
As for work activities, we always negotiated that out. What was more important? Sometimes I didn't want to shift things around and sometimes I didn't mind. Depended on the situation. But we did try to come to an agreement that made both of us happy.
Of course, these were back it the good non-alcoholic days.
As for work activities, we always negotiated that out. What was more important? Sometimes I didn't want to shift things around and sometimes I didn't mind. Depended on the situation. But we did try to come to an agreement that made both of us happy.
Of course, these were back it the good non-alcoholic days.
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Originally Posted by Reddmax
I just want to know if what I'm asking is too much for a "normal" relationship.
L
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Am I crazy, or too demanding?
No. But you are trying to have a "normal" relationship with an alcoholic.
Can't be done.
Peace and (((hugs))) Redd-
B.
No. But you are trying to have a "normal" relationship with an alcoholic.
Can't be done.
Peace and (((hugs))) Redd-
B.
Last edited by Bernadette; 09-09-2008 at 07:29 AM.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
Redd, I'd say that was pretty normal, for a relationship between a codie and an alcoholic. You had plans together, she blew them off in favour of going to the bar with her drinking buddies. You then changed your plans to try to accomodate what she had decided to do, but it didn't help the situation because by then she was drunk and only interested in getting drunker. You were then left confused, hurt, and wondering where you went wrong. Yup, I sure know that feeling.
As for the comment about how annoyed she would be if you treated her as disrespectfully as she treated you... Well, of course she would, because she's a self-centred alcoholic and it's all about her and what she wants. Double standards? Of course. That's just part of the deal with an alcoholic like her (and my ex). What you want or expect is largely irrelevant to her at the best of times, and totally unimportant to her when she's been drinking.
That is "normal" for the relationship you have. Your choice is to decide whether that normality is acceptable to you or not. If it's not, why are you still letting her do this to you?
Take care,
Mr B.
As for the comment about how annoyed she would be if you treated her as disrespectfully as she treated you... Well, of course she would, because she's a self-centred alcoholic and it's all about her and what she wants. Double standards? Of course. That's just part of the deal with an alcoholic like her (and my ex). What you want or expect is largely irrelevant to her at the best of times, and totally unimportant to her when she's been drinking.
That is "normal" for the relationship you have. Your choice is to decide whether that normality is acceptable to you or not. If it's not, why are you still letting her do this to you?
Take care,
Mr B.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
It sounds like you are miffed that your partner lacks the sensativities to reassure you that when they are away they think of you and maybe even miss you, that they remember their home base and that there is someone there who just might feel significant if the called.
I guess I sense that what you are really asking is that if someone goes away and doesn't call can that be interpreted as something other than what it is?
We try to take unloving behaviors and turn them into some kind of modern way of living.
We know when we are loved and missed and we know when we aren't.
Will you sit by the phone waiting and justifying a call that never seems to come and waiting for a person who would rather spend more time explaining why you are insecure than to make a simple loving gesture?
We invest alot of ourselves into our relationships, we want to matter.
It's like the dozen roses that arrive after we have a big fight about never getting flowers for no reason. Youdon't really want a life filled with props and scripts.
It is what it is and it aint nearly enough!
I guess I sense that what you are really asking is that if someone goes away and doesn't call can that be interpreted as something other than what it is?
We try to take unloving behaviors and turn them into some kind of modern way of living.
We know when we are loved and missed and we know when we aren't.
Will you sit by the phone waiting and justifying a call that never seems to come and waiting for a person who would rather spend more time explaining why you are insecure than to make a simple loving gesture?
We invest alot of ourselves into our relationships, we want to matter.
It's like the dozen roses that arrive after we have a big fight about never getting flowers for no reason. Youdon't really want a life filled with props and scripts.
It is what it is and it aint nearly enough!
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