daisyjen

RAH and I had our 4th counseling session and I dont think we are getting anywhere!! He said at this last one that he totally understood what he needs to do (respect my boundaries is what I THOUGHT he meant). NOPE! He said later that I need to compromise my boundaries...

What started as a big issue for us is when on our way to our sons football game, he wanted to, uh, get frisky, in the car. Or more specifically, he wanted me to get frisky with him. I said No, not in the car, We are way past all of that crazy stuff. (Been married over 16 yrs to an alcoholic, need I say more?) He says he feels like a newlywed and thinks Im beautiful and he cant help it, blah, blah, blah!!

Similar incients have been occurring a few times a week and the counselor went over how often the average couple our age have intercourse and how often the other stuff occurs. He said he understood but definitely did not..

He really is hating my boundaries, used to getting his way pretty often in the past. I am trying to be strong. He said for the hundreth time this week he was divorcing me, asked how much I was giving him for the house, etc... He also through in some punches, like I was really the reason he drank - I am SURE he will deny that to the counselor. When I told him a few things about divorce in our state and that I called a lawyer (no appt yet tho), he shut up. He acted hurt that I called one and I told him I need to protect myself, since he is constantly throwing our the "D" word...

denny57

I think this is my same response from before:

I highly recommend "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

There finally came the day - thank you, god - when I realized it was about ME getting it, not "him."

rkymtncowboy

denny57, I like that angle, Me getting it not "them", (My Translation)

wish he'd quit

Sounds like the half a session that AH and I had a few weeks ago with the counselor. Only difference is he walked out when the counselor asked him a question. He wanted me to change completely but then wanted to be able to drink just a little. I know that is a crock. He also wanted me to compromise alot of my boundaries but knows that I will refuse. So because of this he needed someone to "feel some love" and met his current girlfriend. He wanted to go to counseling so that we could learn to get through this and not hurt one another anymore. What he meant is that he wants me not to hurt him. His behavior is just as jealous and possessive as when we were together.

mallowcup

Counceling does not mean you are guarenteeing an outcome. It does not mean you have to find a way to make it work. It can mean you will walk away if it's what's best for you feeling good about that decision.

Blondie

My AH went to our counselor once and refused to go back because he said "she is crazy herself." Well, I kept going to her and started setting up boundries. My AH hated those boundries. He would throw tantrums, be sarcastic and nasty about the boundries, and stay out late to try to get me to change back to the way things were. It was very hard (and scary) and it took a few months for him to finally settle down and get the fact that I meant business. So it is VERY hard to put your foot down, but you have to do what is best for you, and it is hard for an alcoholic to accept the fact that they are not the center your universe anymore.

respektingme

For 15 years, there has been a boundary I've wanted to make but never did. I never did, because I perceived his persistence and threats to be worse than just caving in. Then I started reading on this site about "quacking", and realized that the torture of not setting the boundary was killing me. So I set the boundary, and I also decided not to be a part in the ensuing argument. Worked like a charm. He can't argue by himself. And I don't have to listen. And I didn't. And when he knew he couldn't work me anymore, he shut up. Now the boundary is set, I'm happy and he's actually happy.

Try not to get sucked into all the quacking. If he's saying something to you that you know he wouldn't dare say in front of a counselor, it's because he's exhibiting bad behavior and he knows it. End the discussion. Leave the room. Don't respond. Takes two to argue.

Cassey

Boy, that is the first thing that popped into my mind, Me Getting it. I am so thankful that I do get it now and I try not to get sucked into his chaos and quacking.

I have my own chaos I am working on and that is a full time job. I sometimes think I dont know who the hell I am trying to fix someone else, when my screws are so loose

daisyjen

Denny, I listened this time and went yesterday and got the book. WOW! How eye opening! Kinda scary, actually. Some of it could of been my situation verbatim... and I havent gotten thru much of the book yet! Thank you...

On my way to "getting it!"