a talk with mom
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
a talk with mom
On Saturday we went shopping and some errands together. It was the first time we have spent time together in I don’t know how long. I haven’t bought new clothes in over a year so I was desperate to get some, even if it meant entering into the outside world. She knows about my problems with crowds and people, and she was very understanding when I would start wigging out and popping ativan like it was pez. Just getting through that day is a major accomplishment for me which I am proud of.
During lunch she commented on the fact that I hadn’t been smoking and I told her I was trying to quit. This lead to talking about my drinking, I couldn’t believe that I was actually talking with her about my drinking! Its a weird feeling I get when I describe to someone (usually my therapist) the thoughts that go around in the twisted, unorganized trash heap that is my psyche, kind of almost an out-of-body feeling, very surreal. When I am sober my emotional walls are up, and its almost like I have to use a different part of my brain to circumvent the walls and express myself. I explained to her that while I am not yet sober but I cling to the hope that I will make it eventually. I tried, for the first time, to explain to her what I was feeling, that mind was screaming out for some kind of chemical comfort and it was all I could do not to give into it. She was very understanding and supportive. Usually our talks are like a clash of the stubborn titans, and usually end in a fighting match, but not on Saturday.
Support can come from anywhere, and I keep thinking of the saying “nothing changes if nothing changes.” Perhaps rebuilding my relationship with the folks, who have stood by me despite all the crap I’ve put them through, is a change that is needed. I think they are a source of support that I really need to tap into. They are the only ones I should really make ammends to, but I am terrified to do that cause it would mean letting down my walls again and becoming vulnerable, I just dont think I can do that. They are great people and I love them dearly but we have never been ones to have heart-to-heart talks or show real affection with each other, I'm not saying that is a good or bad thing, it is just the way my family is.
During lunch she commented on the fact that I hadn’t been smoking and I told her I was trying to quit. This lead to talking about my drinking, I couldn’t believe that I was actually talking with her about my drinking! Its a weird feeling I get when I describe to someone (usually my therapist) the thoughts that go around in the twisted, unorganized trash heap that is my psyche, kind of almost an out-of-body feeling, very surreal. When I am sober my emotional walls are up, and its almost like I have to use a different part of my brain to circumvent the walls and express myself. I explained to her that while I am not yet sober but I cling to the hope that I will make it eventually. I tried, for the first time, to explain to her what I was feeling, that mind was screaming out for some kind of chemical comfort and it was all I could do not to give into it. She was very understanding and supportive. Usually our talks are like a clash of the stubborn titans, and usually end in a fighting match, but not on Saturday.
Support can come from anywhere, and I keep thinking of the saying “nothing changes if nothing changes.” Perhaps rebuilding my relationship with the folks, who have stood by me despite all the crap I’ve put them through, is a change that is needed. I think they are a source of support that I really need to tap into. They are the only ones I should really make ammends to, but I am terrified to do that cause it would mean letting down my walls again and becoming vulnerable, I just dont think I can do that. They are great people and I love them dearly but we have never been ones to have heart-to-heart talks or show real affection with each other, I'm not saying that is a good or bad thing, it is just the way my family is.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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What a fabulous post!
It's amazing what can open up to us, when we embrace recovery.
Don't worry about making the amends at this point, if it makes you really anxious. The time will come when it feels right.
It's amazing what can open up to us, when we embrace recovery.
Don't worry about making the amends at this point, if it makes you really anxious. The time will come when it feels right.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Felly that is wonderful 
Happy for you! I remember doing this with mine and it was
a battle at first but rewarding in the end!
Keep embracing recovery for more wonderful things in your future!
Happy for you! I remember doing this with mine and it was a battle at first but rewarding in the end!
Keep embracing recovery for more wonderful things in your future!
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
You articulated your experience beautifully, Felicia.
I've never been able to talk honestly about my drinking with my own mother; her denial is still pretty strong, I suspect. I am very happy for you that you've got your Mom's support, and that you were able to let down those walls a little.
I agree with Anna - when the time is right to make amends, you will know. No need to worry about them right this minute. Besides, you are making amends every day you seek recovery.
Big hug going out to you.
I've never been able to talk honestly about my drinking with my own mother; her denial is still pretty strong, I suspect. I am very happy for you that you've got your Mom's support, and that you were able to let down those walls a little.
I agree with Anna - when the time is right to make amends, you will know. No need to worry about them right this minute. Besides, you are making amends every day you seek recovery.
Big hug going out to you.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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I've read this post a couple time today felly, each time I've learned a little more and I'm coming to accept more about my own situation with my last surviving parent.
My father sees recovery and sobriety as a death sentence for me, and in spite of making my amends I'm still reminded of "what I put the family through" in early recovery and during my divorce. And now he feels the decisions I make are based purely on emotion rather than being sound, healthy choices.
A huge applause going out for you, I'm happy for the support you've found from your mother!
My father sees recovery and sobriety as a death sentence for me, and in spite of making my amends I'm still reminded of "what I put the family through" in early recovery and during my divorce. And now he feels the decisions I make are based purely on emotion rather than being sound, healthy choices.
A huge applause going out for you, I'm happy for the support you've found from your mother!
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Thanks Scott, Im sorry that your Dad feels that way, it kinda goes against logic to me, I'm sure if he saw your posts on here he would know that you are intelligent, stong, and committed to recovery, thats how I see you anyway.
My Mom asked me what she could do to help me to stay sober, I really couldnt think of anything she could do other than what she had already done. I told her as much, and we left it at that. I think she is finally coming to the conclusion that she cant help me and that I have to do it on my own, and she figured it out without going to alanon! She might not think of me as an adult but she is at least finally letting me make my own decisions. As long as she does that, I no longer have a reason to rebel against her.
My Mom asked me what she could do to help me to stay sober, I really couldnt think of anything she could do other than what she had already done. I told her as much, and we left it at that. I think she is finally coming to the conclusion that she cant help me and that I have to do it on my own, and she figured it out without going to alanon! She might not think of me as an adult but she is at least finally letting me make my own decisions. As long as she does that, I no longer have a reason to rebel against her.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
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Originally Posted by felly79 
Support can come from anywhere, and I keep thinking of the saying “nothing changes if nothing changes.” Perhaps rebuilding my relationship with the folks, who have stood by me despite all the crap I’ve put them through, is a change that is needed. I think they are a source of support that I really need to tap into. They are the only ones I should really make ammends to, but I am terrified to do that cause it would mean letting down my walls again and becoming vulnerable, I just dont think I can do that. They are great people and I love them dearly but we have never been ones to have heart-to-heart talks or show real affection with each other, I'm not saying that is a good or bad thing, it is just the way my family is.
yes letting our walls down and being vulnerable is something sometimes we just can't do in our daily lives. i have found i don't have to let all my walls down i can cherry pick as i desire, or as the situation demands. it takes some practice to do gracefully but it is doable.
i simply figure out if the wall in question is really needed at that time and place and with that person or persons and just follow through on my findings. i take one issue at a time and practice with it until i can manage it gracefully and then onto another issue and so on. I would never just lower my walls either.
i am sure if you look back at your time with your mom you will find you have already done what i am speaking to here in being selective. Just knowing you have the right and the means to decide for yourself how your walls co-exist with others in your life can be very empowering felly!
i am so very proud of you and like all your friends here congratulate you on reaching a new understanding with yourself and your mom!
Robby
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