scaredykat

Hi Guys,

I decided to write my story up to where I'm at now. I think it will do me more good then you guys. I've been feeling emotionally and mental not right the past couple of days and letting things get to me. So here's the 1st part of my story.

I had my first drink at the age of 17. I fell in love with it first sip. It helped me with my shyness, gave me confidence, I definitely thought it helped me fit in with everyone. I've felt like a misfit my whole life. My weight is a big part of that. I've been very small my whole life. I was teased in school so bad that it effected my self-esteem, among other things. Some people think or ask sometimes if I'm anorexic. I never have been. It's all hereditary.

My drinking ended with me in my 40's and drinking all alone on the couch and not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. I ended up a housewife drunk. What got me drinking everyday at the end of my drinking was being told by my Dr. that i can't work anymore or my chronic pain will get worse. I have Thoracic Outlet Syndrome. It was caused by my 1st husband that was very abusive.

I'll post part 2 on here tomorrow so it isn't a lot of reading in one sitting.

Barb

bostonluv

Thanks for sharing Part 1 of your story Barb.

Aysha

(((Barb)))

parentrecovers

keep sharing, scaredy! k

Toomutch

Dean62

Me too, we are not alone Barb. :ghug3

stone

Thanks Barb.

Rella927

Thank you for sharing Barb

gypsytears

Thanks scaredy . It's important to get things out, and I'm sure your story WILL help others as much as it's good for you too.

Astro

Keep sharing Barb, hearing other stories reminds me that there's nothing unique about mine at all!

Itsmytime

Thanks for sharing

Hevyn

Looking forward to hearing the rest of the story, thank you Scaredy. Me too, felt like a misfit always. Drinking helped me not feel shy & self-conscious for awhile. It made me even more reclusive in the end, though. Hope you'll begin to feel better, S. Love, Joanie

Serenidad

Thanks! (((HUGS)))

Impurrfect

(((Barb)))

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

scaredykat

Well, to start out i knew what AA was all about. I was a member back in
1992. I made it to a year and a half. I left because of a bad breakup with another member in AA. I don't think I was ready to begin with back then. I wasn't done drinking.

So after leaving i went back to drinking and a hectic life going back and forth with my 1st abusive husband. I kept thinking he would change like most women think when their in those kinds of relationships. Back then my drinking was pretty much just on the weekends.

Over the years I met up up with my current husband. I knew him in the past when we worked together in a factory when i was 19 years old. He helped me get my divorce from my ex. We've been married now for 11 years and he's the best thing that ever happened to me. He's my best friend.

Now when we first got married he like to party too. So I was set. I had a man i love and someone that like to drink like me. Because of him we also got pot pretty regularly from friends he knew for years. So things went on like this for the first 5 years. in the mean time my arm got real bad and i wasn't able to work full time any more. I had to go to part time. My drinking weekends ended up being 4 day weekends. LOL

By 2003 I wasn't able to work at all. I graduated to drinking everyday and really feeling sorry for myself. I felt like a burden to my husband. Toward the end I even started smoking pot daily when we had it. I didn't care if i went to bed at night and didn't wake up the next day. I was losing myself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I lost faith in god.

My biggest reason for losing faith in god was when i lost my little nephew. He only lived one day. I'll never forget that funeral as long as i live. I really lost it then because I thought everything would be OK if I prayed like a good Catholic. So That's another reason i thought to drink and smoke pot everyday. Who cares. My husband didn't mine. He said he would do the same thing if he was in the same situation.

In 2006 we got our first computer. I hated them for the longest time. LOL Then one day i thought I would type in Alcoholics Anonymous to see if it was on the Internet. Sure enough there it was.

And I'll stop here and continue tomorrow.

Barb

Hevyn

Thanks Scaredy! Helpful & interesting.

hope3

Thanks scaredykat, our story is very important to

get out... It actually helps us to move on when working the

steps...

Keep sharing..

Hope and love

hope3

scaredykat

Anyway, I let off talking about getting our computer and looking up AA. So for the longest time i drank my rum and cokes and looked up different recovery sites and listened to speaker tapes on the computer. My sponser gets a kick out of that picturing me drinking and looking up all this stuff. LOL

I think what was a beginning of a turning point for me was when i listened to Bill W. himself speaking at a convention in Canada (I think). That actually brought me to tears remembering going to conventions so long ago with all the people and hearing them laughing and happy. That's when it hit me that I belong there with all those people. I remember being happy all those years ago when i was in AA the first time and having almost 2 years of sobriety at that time.

About a month or two later i found my 1st forum. They weren't very nice. They told me to come back when i was sober. Thank God it didn't stop me from finding other forums. I finally found this one that didn't care if i was still drinking or judge me and I joined in the fall of 2006.

So I wrote to you people and drank, wrote and drank. LOL. After a while I was getting depressed and jealous wondering why i couldn't get sober. I finally wanted what you had. You people on here finally talked me into going back to AA.

It was in July 2007 that i went back to AA. I was scared to death and was afraid the people would judge me and say to themselves "oh, here's Barb again. How long will she stay this time". LOL That didn't happen and they were glad i was back. Most all my friends are still in the rooms. There's a few of them that I remember the day they got their white chips. Now their still sober and their all over 10 years sober. I'm very grateful they're still there. It helped me a lot having people I all ready knew and trusted.

And this is where I'll stop for now. Tomorrow will be the last part.

parentrecovers

thanks, scaredy. i always really appreciate your honesty. so grateful you are sober. hugs, k

scaredykat

So here's the last part of my story up to where I'm at now. I hope i didn't leave any thing out.

So I came back to AA in July 2007. I struggled all last year. I was doubtful if i would even make it. I couldn't even put a month together without drinking again. I would get 3 weeks then drink, get 3 weeks then drink. This happened 3 times. Then on Sept 22 I got another white chip. I made it to 100days that time, then I crumbled again on New Years Eve.

I almost didn't make it back to AA after that relapse. I felt like a failure and figured why bother. I stayed out there for almost 3 weeks. So Thank God for my on-line friends again.

On Jan 19, 2007 I pick up my white chip and haven't had a drink since. I truly think it's a miracle. My higher power has helped me since day 1. I still had a lot of struggles and problems and didn't pick up.

In Dec 2006 I found out my cat had diabetes. I had to learn how to get over my fear of needles to help her. Well, when I hit 30 days sober I lost my Tammy, and I didn't drink. I finally learned to rely on my AA friends when I needed help.

When I hit 100 days sober i lost another cat named Kitty-Sue. And i didn't drink again. I can't believe i didn't drink either time. My HP is truly with me. I can't put into words how I feel. I still have 2 cats left with me. Their names are Chloe and Lois. They keep me going too. They are my babies.

This month I will be 8 months sober, and I'm so grateful that i kept coming back. My husband is grateful too that i don't live the way i use too. He's actually going to Al-Anon now. Who would of guessed. Last year he didn't want anything to do with it saying he didn't have time for any of that. LOL

So now, everyday I have to admit my powerlessness. I have to remind myself everyday that I'm an alcoholic. I now live "one day at a time" and that is what works for me along with the help of AA.

Barb