Any Mums Out There
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Any Mums Out There
Ok, I thought I had this all figured out (maybe I still have).
My son has been clean all year and doing fabulously. Studying to be a Youth Worker, has stayed away from his drug addicted friends, met a lovely girl and I have watched his confidence grow weekly.
Last night when I got home, he was there and looked terrible. I was cooking tea and he said, 'mum can I have a hug' naturally I did and asked what could be the matter. He broke down. He said that his girlfriend had cheated on him and he obviously was devastated. He said he had been depressed for about a month and wasnt coping very well again.
To be honest Im concerned he will go back to drugs (the cycle) so do I leave it alone and hope all will be ok or do I start suggestions again. Ive been good with family addicts this year and its been great not to have the drama. Trouble is as soon as I see my son in this way, the protective mum comes back again.
My son has been clean all year and doing fabulously. Studying to be a Youth Worker, has stayed away from his drug addicted friends, met a lovely girl and I have watched his confidence grow weekly.
Last night when I got home, he was there and looked terrible. I was cooking tea and he said, 'mum can I have a hug' naturally I did and asked what could be the matter. He broke down. He said that his girlfriend had cheated on him and he obviously was devastated. He said he had been depressed for about a month and wasnt coping very well again.
To be honest Im concerned he will go back to drugs (the cycle) so do I leave it alone and hope all will be ok or do I start suggestions again. Ive been good with family addicts this year and its been great not to have the drama. Trouble is as soon as I see my son in this way, the protective mum comes back again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 126
justjo
You might just try asking an open ended question, like What do you want to do about this?
That way you are putting the ball in his court. If he is strong into his recovery he might surprise you and come up with some really good avenues for him to pursue on his own. I have a RAS also and know what is like to want to help but not sure what to do so I don't go back to the place we were at a year ago. JMO, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your son, and hopefully someone wiser than me will have more suggestions for you. Stay strong and trust in yours and your sons HP to get him thru this.
Barb
That way you are putting the ball in his court. If he is strong into his recovery he might surprise you and come up with some really good avenues for him to pursue on his own. I have a RAS also and know what is like to want to help but not sure what to do so I don't go back to the place we were at a year ago. JMO, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your son, and hopefully someone wiser than me will have more suggestions for you. Stay strong and trust in yours and your sons HP to get him thru this.
Barb
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
This is the 1st big test to his sobriety and his sobriety it is.
We can't keep them in bubble wrap. Just about all of us encounter love situations when we are young and old alike.
It is usually hard to get guys to talk...but letting him know you are available to provide and ear and cup of tea is probably the best you can offer.
When our sons are addicts when they hit a bump in the road it will be natural for us
to get concerned that addiction may be their only coping device. Since he's been sober
all yr. hopefully he has learned other coping strategies.
Sounds good that you are wise not to rescue and in reality you can't anyway.
We can't keep them in bubble wrap. Just about all of us encounter love situations when we are young and old alike.
It is usually hard to get guys to talk...but letting him know you are available to provide and ear and cup of tea is probably the best you can offer.
When our sons are addicts when they hit a bump in the road it will be natural for us
to get concerned that addiction may be their only coping device. Since he's been sober
all yr. hopefully he has learned other coping strategies.
Sounds good that you are wise not to rescue and in reality you can't anyway.
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Yes I know, hes nearly 25 and Im just being a worry wart. I did ask him what would he like to do about this. His reaction, 'kill myself'. Nothing ever works out for me.
When he talks like that, I get really concerned because Ive seen what happens. I tried talking it through with him and encouraging him. I know it is pain talking but Ive seen what pain can do to him. I spoke to his dad yesterday (he lives with him) and he said he hadnt been getting out of bed till 11am most days and wouldnt come out his room. This worries me some and Im frustrated because I want to help but dont know how to handle it. I know its their life etc, I guess that saviour just keeps popping up in me.
When he talks like that, I get really concerned because Ive seen what happens. I tried talking it through with him and encouraging him. I know it is pain talking but Ive seen what pain can do to him. I spoke to his dad yesterday (he lives with him) and he said he hadnt been getting out of bed till 11am most days and wouldnt come out his room. This worries me some and Im frustrated because I want to help but dont know how to handle it. I know its their life etc, I guess that saviour just keeps popping up in me.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I too suffer from feeling that pain when my daughter is hurting. It is one of the greatest tests of my own recovery. I have found myself being honest with her...Telling her I am slipping because I am getting this urge to want to fix it and I know that won't work for either of us. I do offer to be an ear or to just sit with her (she lives alone) and watch tv or a funny movie to take her mind off things if she needs it. I do so from the mom part...I would do that for my best friend if she was hurting.
I am fortunate though that she has a strong support network and that she does up her meetings and calls her sponsor when going through trying times. It's funny...I don't think anymore about her using...more about the pain she is feeling and concernw ith depression. It is a huge relief for me that I can leave all the suggestions to her NA friends. Best thing I have found iss to remind myself I am powerless, tell her how much I love her and how proud I am of all she has done for herself, and then pray for both of us.
I'm praying for you and your son too. Hugs
I am fortunate though that she has a strong support network and that she does up her meetings and calls her sponsor when going through trying times. It's funny...I don't think anymore about her using...more about the pain she is feeling and concernw ith depression. It is a huge relief for me that I can leave all the suggestions to her NA friends. Best thing I have found iss to remind myself I am powerless, tell her how much I love her and how proud I am of all she has done for herself, and then pray for both of us.
I'm praying for you and your son too. Hugs
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
If your son has a history of depression, maybe you can do more.
My son is 24. He lived with me for 6 mos. before he went to rehab last Feb.
At that time He admitted he was depressed and that he had attempted suicide in the past.
Depression by nature makes it near impossible for many to reach ot for help.
I offered my son counseling which he accepted and that led to medication being prescribed which he took until his addiction progressed. Then he accepted the offer for rehab after much coaxing by me and his therapist.
Maybe you can help your son get the help he needs if he has clinical depression.
My son is 24. He lived with me for 6 mos. before he went to rehab last Feb.
At that time He admitted he was depressed and that he had attempted suicide in the past.
Depression by nature makes it near impossible for many to reach ot for help.
I offered my son counseling which he accepted and that led to medication being prescribed which he took until his addiction progressed. Then he accepted the offer for rehab after much coaxing by me and his therapist.
Maybe you can help your son get the help he needs if he has clinical depression.
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Thankyou. Yes he told me he was depressed and didnt know how to snap out of it. The drugs & alcohol over the years has basically taken away his youth. not being able to hold a job, aggressive behaviour etc and he admits it. He talks to me so that is good. He gets very down if others are doing well for example. My nephew (from my addicted sister) came over for tea last night for his 17th birthday. Everyone was there and my other sons were being asked questions about their jobs etc. I could see the look on his face as he glarred at me. I felt bad so I started telling everyone about his study and achievement this year. That made him feel better.
Its hard to see his pain but he knows he has to work at it but has fallen again. I might suggest he visit the doctor. You see he has never had rehab or sponsers. He is very lonely as he left the drug friendships too end of last year.
Its hard to see his pain but he knows he has to work at it but has fallen again. I might suggest he visit the doctor. You see he has never had rehab or sponsers. He is very lonely as he left the drug friendships too end of last year.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I make suggestions to my daughter but I realize that she has to be the one to reach out for help. She seems more willing these days but still has a lot of addict behaviors, including wanting that quick fix to problems that she has. I am seeing some growth but she has a long way to go. Keeping you and your son in my prayers, Marle
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
[QUOTE=justjo;1902024]Yes I know, hes nearly 25 and Im just being a worry wart. QUOTE]
oh no you're not!!!! you're a good mom who wants to help.
I understand the keep away from the addict and it's the addicts problem but sometimes alittle "intervention" is needed and possibly wanted. There's a thin line I'm sure but in my humble opinion a mom can usually see when she's needed regardless how old the child.
good luck
oh no you're not!!!! you're a good mom who wants to help.
I understand the keep away from the addict and it's the addicts problem but sometimes alittle "intervention" is needed and possibly wanted. There's a thin line I'm sure but in my humble opinion a mom can usually see when she's needed regardless how old the child.
good luck
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
I too think its a bit different when depression is involved. If he's not using, hasn't for a while, but you see him spiraling downward, his perspective is going to be way off. sometimes when that happens to any of us we look to other people to pull us up.
If he is talking to you thats a good thing.
It does suck to be dumped. It hurts like h^*&%!
Maybe just letting it out to someone, having them just listen will help him work through it on his own.
But its okay to keep an eye on it and gently suggest ways for him to seek his sanity again if he is receptive.
We have spent so much time fighting our natural mothering instincts because often in the past they have us making bad decisions, but sometimes its okay to just be a mom.
Maybe if they are close, you can suggest his brothers getting him out for some healthy fun?
If he is talking to you thats a good thing.
It does suck to be dumped. It hurts like h^*&%!
Maybe just letting it out to someone, having them just listen will help him work through it on his own.
But its okay to keep an eye on it and gently suggest ways for him to seek his sanity again if he is receptive.
We have spent so much time fighting our natural mothering instincts because often in the past they have us making bad decisions, but sometimes its okay to just be a mom.
Maybe if they are close, you can suggest his brothers getting him out for some healthy fun?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I have to agree with what Spiritual Seeker said. True clinical depression is horrible; I have suffered with it myself, and so has my oldest AD.
Fortunately I was far along enough in my own recovery from addictions that I was finally able to reach out and start up in therapy again late last year.
I had gotten to the point I was thinking of suicide on a daily basis, and basically inert in a chair because I was that paralyzed from depression.
Therapy and adding medication, along with continuing my meetings and all the things I do in recovery have helped tremendously.
Fortunately I was far along enough in my own recovery from addictions that I was finally able to reach out and start up in therapy again late last year.
I had gotten to the point I was thinking of suicide on a daily basis, and basically inert in a chair because I was that paralyzed from depression.
Therapy and adding medication, along with continuing my meetings and all the things I do in recovery have helped tremendously.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
Maybe he justs needs his mom, and that's OK. It isn't all on you to fix it, or to keep his recovery for him, but you are well qualified to be his mom and to listen and to care. 
Then there's nothing wrong with suggesting he talk about it with his sponsor or go to a meeting and share, either. That's not enabling IMO. That's just understanding and caring.
Then there's nothing wrong with suggesting he talk about it with his sponsor or go to a meeting and share, either. That's not enabling IMO. That's just understanding and caring.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: At the zoo
Posts: 244
Justjo
Another mom jumping in here with my RAD's tale of woe.
Like Helpus' daughter my daughter was engaged and going to be married next month, invitations send dress bought etc. Long story, he got into some trouble and is in jail. Wedding called off , her decision.
She was just devastated, but took herself to a counselor the next day to get some help and advice. She has also been on anti depressant meds since she entered rehab last year. They've helped her.
She admitted to me that she had thought of using again once or twice. And I opened my big mouth (hands off the addict, I know) and told her if he brought her to the option of using again, that he would have won, even if he was in jail, and did she want that???? Her answer, using won't do me a D#@* bit of good will it? it won't change anything except to make it worse.
She hanging in and being strong and staying clean, but she has a good support group of friends who are giving her encouragement.
If she were isolating I would worry a lot. In my own opinion he's asking for help from his mother, not as an addict but as a son who is hurting and doesn't have much in the way of support. He wouldn't have come to you if he didn't want some love and support, but maybe he needs to see either a counselor or doctor.
I hope some of this helps you or even makes some sense.
Another mom jumping in here with my RAD's tale of woe.
Like Helpus' daughter my daughter was engaged and going to be married next month, invitations send dress bought etc. Long story, he got into some trouble and is in jail. Wedding called off , her decision.
She was just devastated, but took herself to a counselor the next day to get some help and advice. She has also been on anti depressant meds since she entered rehab last year. They've helped her.
She admitted to me that she had thought of using again once or twice. And I opened my big mouth (hands off the addict, I know) and told her if he brought her to the option of using again, that he would have won, even if he was in jail, and did she want that???? Her answer, using won't do me a D#@* bit of good will it? it won't change anything except to make it worse.
She hanging in and being strong and staying clean, but she has a good support group of friends who are giving her encouragement.
If she were isolating I would worry a lot. In my own opinion he's asking for help from his mother, not as an addict but as a son who is hurting and doesn't have much in the way of support. He wouldn't have come to you if he didn't want some love and support, but maybe he needs to see either a counselor or doctor.
I hope some of this helps you or even makes some sense.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Southaven MS
Posts: 1
Reading your post scares me. I am so afraid of the "next possible fall off the wagon." I am physically getting sick to my stomach from the thought. I too have been living the "sweet life" of less drama for five glorious months. Last week my son had a seizure. Drug test was negative with this first seizure. Scared to think what might happen next.
I am new to this site and am not so sure that I can handle seeing everyone's pain. It takes me right back to the day I took my son to his current year-long program. I am scared seeing the falls that our loved ones can take. It scares me for my son and the possible eventual fall he could have.
I am new to this site and am not so sure that I can handle seeing everyone's pain. It takes me right back to the day I took my son to his current year-long program. I am scared seeing the falls that our loved ones can take. It scares me for my son and the possible eventual fall he could have.
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Thankyou all for your encouraging words and wisdom. Being a mum sometimes is stressful. My boys know I love & support them. I guess Im lucky in a sense they all will talk to me about their stuff. (sometimes too much-you know, too much information).
Because my AD son has lost alot of his youth thru drugs/alcohol he almost can be child like. He spent the day with me yesterday. Im going to open a wholesale business and I thought if I get him involved and asked his opinions etc/give hime something to do it would help him. He was smiling last night, so I gave him some extra hugs.
His brothers are thick with him but dont want to socialize outside the home much with him (past issues I guess).
I called his father and asked that he keep an eye on him too and spend more time with him so he is going to let him work some at his shop. I know my son is lonely and needs direction and a purpose to get up in the morning but he has to make those goals himself. It would pain me to see him relapse again but I am wise enough to separate reality from love too. I have just loved seeing him happy so far this year, smiling handsomely and proud. Now this again, so I am being positive and looking ahead instead of down.
Because my AD son has lost alot of his youth thru drugs/alcohol he almost can be child like. He spent the day with me yesterday. Im going to open a wholesale business and I thought if I get him involved and asked his opinions etc/give hime something to do it would help him. He was smiling last night, so I gave him some extra hugs.
His brothers are thick with him but dont want to socialize outside the home much with him (past issues I guess).
I called his father and asked that he keep an eye on him too and spend more time with him so he is going to let him work some at his shop. I know my son is lonely and needs direction and a purpose to get up in the morning but he has to make those goals himself. It would pain me to see him relapse again but I am wise enough to separate reality from love too. I have just loved seeing him happy so far this year, smiling handsomely and proud. Now this again, so I am being positive and looking ahead instead of down.
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