"You must understand..."
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
"You must understand..."
“You must understand…” these are words that I have heard most of my life. These words have been like a prison to me, which I have always tried to escape. My mother was a clinically depressed person and my father was emotionally unavailable. When my mother wouldn’t get up for days and I would try to do almost anything that I could to get her up…I was told, that she was sad, and “you must understand….” When my father left my mother for another woman, I called at age 12 and begged him not to leave me with a woman who I didn’t trust to take care of me…he told me that his place was with his new girlfriend and her daughter, and mine was with my mother, “you must understand….” When my mother began to party and leave my sister and I for nights on end to be with her boyfriends, I would get angry that some stranger meant more to her than we did, but she would ask me whether I wanted her to be alone the rest of her life, “you must understand….” So all my life I was told that putting my feelings last, or smiling when I didn’t want to, or stuffing my anger, or holding back my tears, or being “strong” in order to make others happy was my duty, my lot….I must understand….All that I ever wanted was to get away from these word…for me to special and me to be what matter…for someone else to understand.
Then I met my husband…he too was from a broken home…abused by his alcoholic father and by his father’s alcoholic wives. Then at 15 he was made a ward of the state and at 18 lived on the streets of Boston until 22. When we professed our love for each other, we swore it was forever. He loved me and I loved him. He was going to save me. I wasn’t going to be out there again. For once, I thought I was safe and that I would finally have the stability I longed for. We talked about babies who would have two parents at home...we laughed about growing old together, sitting in rocking chairs on a porch. For once, I really thought that I came first. We both knew each others backgrounds, our problems, our fears, and we were going to cure those things…I would finally escape my prison of “understanding.”
Instead, I went from one cell to another. Alcoholism was the prison and codependency held the keys. I laughed when I wanted to cry. Begged, pleaded, manipulated, conjoled, excused, worried, and enabled. I picked up the piece, held it together, made it “work.” I hid my heartbreaks, disappointments, and fears. I put my desires on hold. All in the hopes that I would get a scrap of love in return. My childhood taught me well…I could restart the cycle. “You are my everything,” he would say… “I couldn’t live without you.” I really mattered, I thought. I was number one for once. But I fooled myself…I never asked for real change, real challenges, real partnership because I knew where I stood. I would be out in the cold again, and I would have to understand.
Today, after eight years…my husband moved out…broke, jobless, homeless. I finally asked to be number one, and I got my answer. I begged for our love and our dreams to be first for once, and alcoholism laughed in my face. He cried this morning as he called to say goodbye…I felt numb. But when my friend came by to feed the cats for me, she said that his keys were on the counter. He really left. Now I sit here crying…crying for this man, this marriage, and for me. I cry because he doesn’t want sobriety even though it costs our marriage, our home, our love…the bottle and the drugs will come first. He is gone and he made his choices…He has chosen his path, and me, well, I am left behind, and once again, I am told I must understand.
Then I met my husband…he too was from a broken home…abused by his alcoholic father and by his father’s alcoholic wives. Then at 15 he was made a ward of the state and at 18 lived on the streets of Boston until 22. When we professed our love for each other, we swore it was forever. He loved me and I loved him. He was going to save me. I wasn’t going to be out there again. For once, I thought I was safe and that I would finally have the stability I longed for. We talked about babies who would have two parents at home...we laughed about growing old together, sitting in rocking chairs on a porch. For once, I really thought that I came first. We both knew each others backgrounds, our problems, our fears, and we were going to cure those things…I would finally escape my prison of “understanding.”
Instead, I went from one cell to another. Alcoholism was the prison and codependency held the keys. I laughed when I wanted to cry. Begged, pleaded, manipulated, conjoled, excused, worried, and enabled. I picked up the piece, held it together, made it “work.” I hid my heartbreaks, disappointments, and fears. I put my desires on hold. All in the hopes that I would get a scrap of love in return. My childhood taught me well…I could restart the cycle. “You are my everything,” he would say… “I couldn’t live without you.” I really mattered, I thought. I was number one for once. But I fooled myself…I never asked for real change, real challenges, real partnership because I knew where I stood. I would be out in the cold again, and I would have to understand.
Today, after eight years…my husband moved out…broke, jobless, homeless. I finally asked to be number one, and I got my answer. I begged for our love and our dreams to be first for once, and alcoholism laughed in my face. He cried this morning as he called to say goodbye…I felt numb. But when my friend came by to feed the cats for me, she said that his keys were on the counter. He really left. Now I sit here crying…crying for this man, this marriage, and for me. I cry because he doesn’t want sobriety even though it costs our marriage, our home, our love…the bottle and the drugs will come first. He is gone and he made his choices…He has chosen his path, and me, well, I am left behind, and once again, I am told I must understand.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: West Reading, PA
Posts: 17
Wow! My heart goes out to you. This is an incredibly emotional time for you. I've been through a divorce myself...I remember the horrible fear and sadness. Even though it's what you want and know it's right (for the best) it is still unbelievably painful...we all have such big hopes and dreams for our marriages, we never realize that something like alcohol, drugs or another woman would ever come into play.
My heart is breaking just reading this.
I know it doesn't seem like much now but my prayers are with you.
Kelly
My heart is breaking just reading this.
I know it doesn't seem like much now but my prayers are with you.
Kelly
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Your story is gut wrenching to me! I want to send you hugs and tell you that you are worth having a full life and having heard such excuses for abuse your whole life, I might suggest counseling.
I wish you the very best because you DO deserve it!
I wish you the very best because you DO deserve it!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Silverberry,
Sending you great big hugs in this incredibly difficult time for you.
It will not be like this forever. I've come to know this, though in my worst times you COULDN'T have convinced me that it would ever get any better.
I too was told that it was my responsibility to understand, my responsibility to put others' needs & wishes before my own. All. My. Life. Just like you.
Humbly, I stand before you now to tell you that, maybe, just maybe, the only responsibility you have is to understand yourself.
You've been dropped here on this planet for a reason. You've got a certain set of gifts, a certain bunch of skills that are unique to you. You're supposed to do something with them. That may or may not require that you be around people who've suffered the same kinds of things you have.
I used to think that, when I had a loving relationship, it could only happen with people who "got" me, and they "got" me because they had suffered the same abuse and horror I had as a kid. I ONLY felt comfortable with people who had lived through bad things.
I never took into account that, by hanging out with people who were damaged like me, I wasn't learning anything new. I was just comfortable, hanging in the same lukewarm soup I'd always been in. And so I ended up with alcoholics, cheaters, abusers, awful people. I thought it was easiest, and therefore best.
Maybe you deserve better than just people who perceive themselves as "damaged goods." Maybe your HP has something else in mind for you....maybe someone who's healthy in their heart, either because they didn't suffer such traumatic stuff, OR they've gone through a recovery process and have healed.
At least that's how it was for me. Though you could not have convinced me when I was leaving my XA. I felt so much guilt, remorse, regret, hopelessness.
This feeling will not last forever.
It will hurt -- just like major surgery to heal cancer or some other major disease hurts. But then you'll start to heal, day by slow day.
Hugs again to you, for all the work you've been doing to honor yourself and ensure a happier future.
I am in tears now too, but for two reasons: once because you're hurting so much, but moreso because i KNOW this is the beginning of a new path that's gonna lead you to something so much better down the line. The first are tears of sadness, the second tears of joy.
XOXOX
GL
Sending you great big hugs in this incredibly difficult time for you.
It will not be like this forever. I've come to know this, though in my worst times you COULDN'T have convinced me that it would ever get any better.
I too was told that it was my responsibility to understand, my responsibility to put others' needs & wishes before my own. All. My. Life. Just like you.
Humbly, I stand before you now to tell you that, maybe, just maybe, the only responsibility you have is to understand yourself.
You've been dropped here on this planet for a reason. You've got a certain set of gifts, a certain bunch of skills that are unique to you. You're supposed to do something with them. That may or may not require that you be around people who've suffered the same kinds of things you have.
I used to think that, when I had a loving relationship, it could only happen with people who "got" me, and they "got" me because they had suffered the same abuse and horror I had as a kid. I ONLY felt comfortable with people who had lived through bad things.
I never took into account that, by hanging out with people who were damaged like me, I wasn't learning anything new. I was just comfortable, hanging in the same lukewarm soup I'd always been in. And so I ended up with alcoholics, cheaters, abusers, awful people. I thought it was easiest, and therefore best.
Maybe you deserve better than just people who perceive themselves as "damaged goods." Maybe your HP has something else in mind for you....maybe someone who's healthy in their heart, either because they didn't suffer such traumatic stuff, OR they've gone through a recovery process and have healed.
At least that's how it was for me. Though you could not have convinced me when I was leaving my XA. I felt so much guilt, remorse, regret, hopelessness.
This feeling will not last forever.
It will hurt -- just like major surgery to heal cancer or some other major disease hurts. But then you'll start to heal, day by slow day.
Hugs again to you, for all the work you've been doing to honor yourself and ensure a happier future.
I am in tears now too, but for two reasons: once because you're hurting so much, but moreso because i KNOW this is the beginning of a new path that's gonna lead you to something so much better down the line. The first are tears of sadness, the second tears of joy.
XOXOX
GL
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I wish I could give a real hug instead of a cyber hug. It will get better. But it's ok to feel the pain of the death of your marriage. You have a right to mourn. You also have the right to take care of yourself!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Hey there SilverB, I read your post and it brought back all my pain from the last few weeks. It really does hurt - but you know what? At the end of the day it's still better than being with him. We deserve so much more!
I'm getting better and stronger every day and you will do. Keep posting, reading, focusing on yourself and look/count all the blessings and changes that will come to you. Believe it or not it might even be hourly that you see and feel the changes.
I'm here for you and so are a lot of other good solid people. Surround yourself with those types of friends but especially surround yourself with YOU!
I'm getting better and stronger every day and you will do. Keep posting, reading, focusing on yourself and look/count all the blessings and changes that will come to you. Believe it or not it might even be hourly that you see and feel the changes.
I'm here for you and so are a lot of other good solid people. Surround yourself with those types of friends but especially surround yourself with YOU!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(((silver))) I am with you- thinking of you today. I am sorry for your pain. I too grew up in a home where I was told I had to understand. Just the title of your thread brought it back for me. I'm trying to understand what I need now- and I believe I am worth it as hard as this process is. I believe you are worth it too. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I don't believe that God brings us this far only to drop us.
I teared up reading your post, and am dealing with some significant issues with my family of origin.
There is that little girl inside of me who didn't get what she needed, and for years, I sought to fill that hole with people who couldn't give me what I needed either, but I couldn't see that.
Hug that little girl within yourself, let her know it's going to be okay because you've finally decided to nurture yourself and that little girl.
I never dreamed I'd have to actually parent that little girl inside of me, but as hard as it is, I'm really trying.
I feel your pain on so many levels right now. I only wish I could do more than send virtual hugs. :ghug
I teared up reading your post, and am dealing with some significant issues with my family of origin.
There is that little girl inside of me who didn't get what she needed, and for years, I sought to fill that hole with people who couldn't give me what I needed either, but I couldn't see that.
Hug that little girl within yourself, let her know it's going to be okay because you've finally decided to nurture yourself and that little girl.
I never dreamed I'd have to actually parent that little girl inside of me, but as hard as it is, I'm really trying.
I feel your pain on so many levels right now. I only wish I could do more than send virtual hugs. :ghug
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
While reading your post I was taken back because it sounded like my life growing up. I wont tell you to understand, but I will tell you that YOU made a choice to put you first and that is the first step to your healing. You are a gift from God and worthy of all the love in the world. The key is to focus on your wants and needs and loving your self. Rescuing your self. I have come to learn that no one could rescue me, because it was my hell I lived in and only I could get me out.
You have the power now, don't every give it back. With every ending comes a new begining. Keep looking forward and keep moving forward because your life is ahead of you. You can't change the past but you can change the now. (I'm proof of that)
I am sending you big hugs and lots of love. The hugs are for the woman and for the little girl within.
Feel free to email me if you want to talk off site.
Dale Ann
You have the power now, don't every give it back. With every ending comes a new begining. Keep looking forward and keep moving forward because your life is ahead of you. You can't change the past but you can change the now. (I'm proof of that)
I am sending you big hugs and lots of love. The hugs are for the woman and for the little girl within.
Feel free to email me if you want to talk off site.
Dale Ann
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
I have to correct something I wrote. I said only I could save me. I ment to say that me and my higher power. I didn't do all of it alone. I have also been going to counceling and AA meetings because I too am an alcoholic though it has been over two years and four months since I had a drink. (patting my self on the back) You might want to try alanon if you arnt going already.
Hugs
Dale Ann
Hugs
Dale Ann
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
Hi silver. My heart goes out to you and I can feel your pain! It's okay to let out your feelings and to cry. this is part of our recovery and it may not seem like it now, but it WILL get better. I can tell by your post that you must feel like raw meat right now and I am so sorry you have to go through this. God will never give you more than you can handle and you will make it through this. Please keep posting and gaining strength from others who have been in similar situations. That is what has helped me make it from day today. Baby-steps. One day at a time.
Healing hugs to you
Healing hugs to you
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184
SB...I truly am sorry that you have to go through this. The pain you have endured emotionally is insurmountable to me....that's where I read alot of strength and determination in your words. Give yourself time to grieve, but don't ever give up. You are gifted in heart and mind...you have what it takes to find the happiness you deserve. I will keep you in thoughts and prayers and know you will make it past this.
Chris
Chris
Sister of Alcoholic
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: somewhere USA
Posts: 152
SB,
I am so sorry for your pain...keep posting and know that we are all here for you. Thank you for your post; it was incredibly moving and I could relate to what you're going through. You will get through this...let yourself feel what you are feeling, and know that we are all thinking of you.
I am so sorry for your pain...keep posting and know that we are all here for you. Thank you for your post; it was incredibly moving and I could relate to what you're going through. You will get through this...let yourself feel what you are feeling, and know that we are all thinking of you.
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