imallright

I am having a hard night. I hate drugs. I hate addiction. I hate that I allowed myself to stay involved with someone who was using and that it has caused such a mess in my life. I am separated from my AH.... that is a good thing... not to be with him... but the kids will not have anything to do with me.

I don't know how to force a 14 year old and 17 year old to do anything, when their Dad won't make them come to me. I have always tried to be the best Mom I could and this is what happens when I finally decided to end the insanity of living with some who was using drugs. I am working with a lawyer and a counselor and hoping to make some headway in getting the kids to counseling and hopefully back to me. In the meantime, I know that their Dad would never intentionally do anything to hurt them, he just doesn't have a clue how to support and interact with them properly.

I am a mess. How could my life end up being such a mess.

Ann

Sweety, even though it hurts, it sounds like you are doing the right thing and that will always get you some place better.

A lawyer can help you know what your rights are and possible help protect the kids from living with an active addict.

Big hugs to you and prayers for all of you.

justjo

Hi imallright
When I read your post it reminded me of my brother inlaw. My ASister had their kids living with her for a couple of years after they split up. The kids didnt want to leave their mother because they didnt see they could. They stayed to protect her, feed her and clean up etc etc. They loved her and hardly saw their father because they were too afraid to leave the house. I can only tell you that they left at about the same ages as your children eventually because they couldnt take the abuse any longer. Life became too hard with her. Who knows how it will turn out for you, time may tell. Just know that your kids love you and their just could be a good reason for this. Are you on good terms with your kids?

BayAreaPhoenix

Big big hugs! You are doing all the right things to do it right for you and your children. Believe that your Mom compass is leading you to the right path!

Lots of strength and support coming your way!

imallright

I am on ok terms. My daughter will communicate with me and she tells me she loves me, but she can also be very mean and is wayyyy protective of her Dad. My son has not stayed at my house in over 2 months. He will speak to me if he has to and there have been one or two times where he was actually "friendly" and seemed like my "old kid"... but for the most part, he wants nothing to do with me and has said some very awful things to me. This is not just typical teenage stuff...

Their Dad is leaning on them big time. The see me as strong, but they also think I am crazy. "Why would I do this to their family... why can't I see that Dad wants to be with me... Dad didn't do anything wrong why did you do this after being with him that long... you were with him for that long, why couldn't you just stay" They both have flat out told me that I am screwed up and that's why I am seeing a counselor... my goal right now, is to get them the help they both need. They need to know it's ok to be kids and that Dad has to make it on his own... not with with "teenage crutches".

Dad has no friends and is not close to his family, so he puts the kids in a position that is not good. I know they are afraid to leave him alone and they also are having a "good time" with him, cuz trust me, there are no rules, no guidelines, no expectations... like they are roommates, not father and children.

I am so mentally and physically exhausted. I love my kids and I want some normalcy back in my life. Lonely as hell and feel like finding the strength to keep myself moving forward and out of the hole is getting tougher and tougher.

funkzter

hi,
i'm sorry to hear your pain but i agree with the others: you are i the right direction and things will slowly clear up.
Have you tried to write to your kids to express how you feel?
take care
x
Carine

imallright

Carine... thanks. Yes, I have thought about writing to my kids, perhaps that would allow me to say what I need to say without being so emotional in front of them. I think I will start to pour it out. Even if I don't mail it right away, at least it might provide me with some relief if I let it out. Thanks again.

baxter

It sure sounds like you're doing all the right things, of course with teenagers it's hard to say. HA! I have three girls from two AH's and they also had a hard time when I left their dads and said some really cruel things to me. It was hard to not defend myself without dragging their dad through the dirt but I didn't see what that would accomplish. I let them find out the truth on their own and they did as they've gotten older, but that doesn't help you now.

If the kids are staying with dad they might also feel some anger to you that their safety cushion is gone now and they have to face reality on who DAD really is. Now, Mom isn't there anymore to even the flow. That can build a resentment, kind of like when in in-laws feel you've dumped the addict back in their laps to deal with.

Counseling should help. Good luck and stay strong.

justjo

My neice & nephew did exactly the same thing. Mum left dad though (she is the addict). The kids begged their dad to stay and work out things with her too. They stayed with her for the same reasons and yes, it was in their favour too, they did what they wanted, up late etc etc. It was a pay off too, she bought them gifts as bribery. Keep it all secret from the rest of the family.
I know this is extremely difficult for you and the pain must be horrible. My guess is your AH will dig his own hole with the kids eventually and they will eventually see through the window. Kids/adults all have their tolerance point and in the end the bad may be worse than the payoffs if you know what I mean. My neice & nephew left after a horrible incident happened but I got involved. Do you have anyone else who can be support for them (an aunt) who can at least ease your worry by letting you know they are ok. It may be wise to provide them with some resources about addiction (post it to them)
JJ

itisatruth

((Imallright)) That statement proves what a good mother you are. I hope they will see it soon; I believe they will. You are doing and have done everything with the best intentions-- for you and your children -- and with love no doubt. I'm sorry their dad is choosing to further confuse them. I hope you are feeling better today and that you can keep on doing what you know is good for you and your kids. There will be light at the end of this tunnel.

greeteachday

I think this is a great idea. No other suggestions...I remember being told that "time takes time" and it took me awhile to really appreciate what that meant. There is a lot of healing that has to occur, I imagine, but you have something no one can take from you. You love your children and you are not using them in this process. In time, I know they will come to understand this. Easy to say, I know. I can't imagine your pain, but I can see your strength and love shining through.
Lots of hugs and prayers for all of you.

caileesnana

Sorry you are hurting, and your children. I too hate drugs and addicition and what they do to our loved ones and families. The only good thing I have found is this forum and my home group.

The only thing you can do is take care of you, the more you change things will be foreced to change around you. Your kids will follow your example.

Keep coming back, great folks here who truly care and understand.
susan

drainedwife

I hate addiction too, and what it does to famillies... I hate how it affects children the most...the most innocent victims.

I do admire you for having the guts to do what is right. Even though your kids are not seeing that right now, I think as they get older, they will know you did what you had to do. Teenagers think they know everything and have all the answers. But at some point they grow up and realize what is right and wrong.

I am afraid that If I leave my ah, the same thing will happen with my kids.
They will side with their dad...(my kids dont even know about the drugs, and Im still dont think I ever want them to know)...I just think it will damage their self-esteem beyond repair, especially my 13 year old.

LIfe isnt fair, it just isnt. And I so feel for you. I hate being in pain, and the only times when I am not, is when I am in some sort of denial about what is really going on...

I hope things get better for you....I pray for your kids too, and that they get the help they need.

Take care of yourself.