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Not sure how to stop....

Old 09-07-2008, 02:56 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Poetry Lives
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Not sure how to stop....

When I was 16 I was diagnosed as an alcoholic and spent a year in a rehab. I learned all about drugs and felt left out I guess because I wasn't even admitted for drug or alcohol abuse, just depression. Eventually, I became obsessed with trying different drugs. I was addicted to what I thought was obtaining a higher level of mental and spiritual clarity. Then it almost destroyed my life. I found cocaine, I actually searched for it, and then it was there, and I was doing it everyday, quit my job, lived with a man 17 years older than I, quit college, lost my motivation to write, act, and even live. This went on for 2 years until I got pregnant. Getting pregnant with my son saved my life and other than occasional (maybe five times total) marajuana use and diet pills, I stayed off drugs. I did continue social drinking but I have never had a problem since high school with stopping when I needed to, or if I saw myself drinking too often, cutting myself off completely. I was obsessed with internet chatting for a couple years, which I swear was almost like drugs, but I grew tired of it eventually. About a year ago, I was at an old friends house, and I agreed to taste a line of cocaine, which eventually lead to my snorting some, and at first, I couldn't imagine why I had been addicted in the first place 20 years ago. But somehow, this grew into an addiction that I can't control at all. My life seems muted. I can't write, I can't read, even if I could see, which I often can't when I'm using. I can't function for days after using even if I quit for a few days. I feel drained of everything and still I feel like I have to have it. There's something in the stimulating affect that drives me, but it's so short lived, I don't get it at all. I'm too old for this. I've had to move three times in the last year due to money problems, partly attributed to my drug use, I have alienated my sober friends, made terrible decisions regarding my teenagers, and feel like I will never be able to stop. I quit for a week or two, maybe even three and as soon as I have some money, I'm calling to get some. Sometimes what I get makes me so depressed and oppressed I feel like dying, or that I am dying. My entire social network currently seems to use cocaine, and I worry about losing friends, or being too weak to say no if they have it. It sounds ridiculous at my age to be worrying about such things so then I think it must just be an excuse to keep using. Using something I hate.. and love... and that is going to kill me. I often have to drink or take anti-anxiety pills (xanax or pain killers of some sort) just to stop freaking out inside. I can't go into a drug rehab, people need me. My mother is elderly, I have to take care of her, my kids need me, but at the same time, they are losing me. Last night I thought I might die from a heart attack. I already have tachicardia (sp), which is a speeding up of the heart at irregular intervals and have a heart murmur. I also suffer from add, bipolar (mostly the depressed side, the upside is maybe I'll feel normal occasionally), and ocd (the kind that inhibits normal daily functioning where I can't go out, cant clean, can't take care of anything) and cocaine seems to acerbate the issue. Normally, for me, I can go without medication, but I feel like I'm getting crazier, and more dysfunctional each day. I don't know what to do. Everyone knows, and no one knows for sure, and I don't want anyone in my family to know, or my life long friends that have never even considered using. I think it would kill them. They already think I'm a screw up (for good reason I guess). I don't want to lose another year of my life, or my kids lives. I have plans for my future, to finish college, to travel, to finish one of the 100 novels I've started, to do something important. And when I'm using, I can't even enjoy thoughts of any of that. It's like my soul is being sucked dry. It's liked I've reversed twenty years and lost everything I worked to become. I don't even know if I can ever be whole again. If I can survive this. Sometimes it all seems useless and hopeless and like I should just give up completely. But too many people need me, rely on me. Unfortunately for them I know...
If anyone could help.. I don't know... has anyone else felt this way?
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Old 09-08-2008, 01:03 PM
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Sober since 9th May 2008
 
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Hi Weary

Drugs ain't my thing, just alcohol was.

Didn't want to leave you with no replies though so here goes.

Try breaking it down, take one day at a time, keep posting, let us know how your doing.

You'll get there, takes time, gets easier and better as you go.

my advice for what its worth.

1. Stay clean one day at a time.

2. Post spaces in your next post, that big chunk of writing was a bugger to read !!!!

Look after yourself

Good luck
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Old 09-08-2008, 07:34 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
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Welcome to SR!

I am sorry you are going through such a struggle right now. My addiction was to alcohol. I stayed away from drugs for the most part as they would interfere with my drinking..... There are many people here at SR who can identify with you and share their experience, strength, and hope around drugs. A good place to post would be the narcotics threads. I would suggest you find a recovery program whether it be NA or some other recovery program. That is what worked for me.
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