BayAreaPhoenix

I learned something this week. Anger about past events is not a bad thing! What do you know? Not wallowing, but allowing myself to feel the anger and hurt when I remember something from my marriage that was hurtful, upsetting, inconsiderate, etc. that I didn't let myself feel at the time.

For the last week or so, these things just come floating thru my mind, and instead of "trying to see it from the other side" or telling myself it's over, nothing to do about it, I've been letting myself see it from a "healthier" point of view. Picturing how I would feel and react with what I know now - and sometimes that is anger. Not screeching screaming mimi anger, just plain and simple anger or hurt or whatever, that the situation was unwarranted, uncalled for, unfair, unkind, unloving, etc. Then, after I picture how I would react now - which is I'm angry (hurt, confused, etc.), I'm not going to accept whatever it is and I put it back on my AH in my mind and I don't let him convince me to alter my reality or turn my mind and heart into a pretzel to make it fit into his lies, and I feel better. I then let it float out of mind, just as it came in, knowing that I now have a better radar and better tools, that I now own my feelings and I no longer will deny or alter reality. I can truly let it go.

I don't think I've said thank you in a while to all of you, that I am so grateful for all the help, support, understanding and wisdom that you all of given me. I'm still on my path, I'm still working, I'm still learning, and I am so happy to be sharing my journey with all of you!

:ghug

greeteachday

It made me think of working a 4th step as I read what you are doing. You may not be writing it out, but your mind is going through the past and identifying things that caused resentments or other feelings and working through them....feeling and letting go. Recovery has not relieved me of anger or other so called negative emotions, and I wouldn't want it to...I don't want to be some Stepford wife or robot. It has just let me feel the feelings and work through them and move on to a better place.


I remember something my daughter told me the first time she started working a 4th step. She said she had stored up a ton of resentments about all kinds of things that had happened in her short life thus far. And as she started reliving them from a better place, there were so many instances where she realized that her perspective at that time was so messed up because she was drinking. Lots of the baggage she carried had no basis in reality and she was able to quickly let it go. Sounds like you are finding that too in a way...as you become healthier, you are no longer taking on his twisted perception of the world.

Glad you are in a healthier place and thanks for sharing how you are getting there. Hugs

Chino

I like the way you described it floating in and out. Our emotions ebb and flow like tides but we don't have to drown in them. If you see a hurricane coming run like hell

Freedom1990

My sponsor says 'what goes down must eventually come up!'

I was and still can be the great stuffer of feelings and when they come back up, I'm getting better about going with the flow and walking through them

itisatruth

Anger can be a negative, if it's left to fester and build in an unhealthy way and/or a way to hold onto resentments. That's not what you're doing. You're using these thoughts/memories to heal, to work through the issues you've had to deal with. You didn't know about your exAH's addiction for some time, so I imagine there were a lot of times you doubted yourself, your feelings, your reactions -- all because you weren't aware of what you were really dealing with.

Replaying those times in your mind, now that you are in a healthier place, will only help you become stronger because you are now able to put your own needs firmly where they should be -- first. You are being true to yourself. Good for you.