Divorce final today; AH and I both cried
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Washington State
Posts: 51
Divorce final today; AH and I both cried
The judge first asked me "Is this marriage irrevocably broken?" I looked at AH and wanted him to say " Stop this insanity, I will go into treatment now" but he didn't. I was crying and said "yes, I think so".
Then he asked AH. "Is this marriage irrevocably broken? He looked at me with tears, I think, wishing I would say "Yes, okay keep drinking I will live with it because I love you more than myself" but then he said "yes, I think so".
The judge said "I see some hesitation on both your parts" AH said " It's so hard after all these years together". I wanted to say to the judge "Yes we love each other but this disease is killing both of us and I've made a choice to save myself BUT If you will throw him in an in patient treatment program I will stop this whole thing" but of course he didn't, we were both crying and then it was over. The serenity prayer has never rang so true for me as it did today.
Then he asked AH. "Is this marriage irrevocably broken? He looked at me with tears, I think, wishing I would say "Yes, okay keep drinking I will live with it because I love you more than myself" but then he said "yes, I think so".
The judge said "I see some hesitation on both your parts" AH said " It's so hard after all these years together". I wanted to say to the judge "Yes we love each other but this disease is killing both of us and I've made a choice to save myself BUT If you will throw him in an in patient treatment program I will stop this whole thing" but of course he didn't, we were both crying and then it was over. The serenity prayer has never rang so true for me as it did today.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I'm so sorry. In a way your post reminds me of a hard truth. You had the courage to stand there and have the truth we all run from layed right there on the table.
It takes a tremendous intestinal fortitude to stand with your heart breaking seeing once and for all that even so, the mistress won.
It takes a tremendous intestinal fortitude to stand with your heart breaking seeing once and for all that even so, the mistress won.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: OKLAHOMA CITY OKLA
Posts: 43
Divorce is so hard and heartbreaking no matter what.
I amsosorry for your pain. I gotdivorced years again my husband was not a drinker we just couldnotget along . Like I said itis hard nomattter what, But I promise you it will get better not right away it takes a long time to heal but one day you will wake up and think I am so much bettter off it takes time always time,
I wish you well and am sorry it turned out this way.
Kelli...
I amsosorry for your pain. I gotdivorced years again my husband was not a drinker we just couldnotget along . Like I said itis hard nomattter what, But I promise you it will get better not right away it takes a long time to heal but one day you will wake up and think I am so much bettter off it takes time always time,
I wish you well and am sorry it turned out this way.
Kelli...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Washington State
Posts: 51
Thank you, everyone, for your kind words and support. If you know my story AH has been cheating with the liquor store clerk for over a year so I had to compete with two mistresses. One could constantly supply the other so really I didn't have a chance no matter how much we love each other.
The hard thing is that my AH was respected in the community, great job (that he is now close to losing), coached youth sports and was thought of as a really nice man. Now he has been involved with the police, twice that I know of, reported drunk by many people and his sons have lost total respect for him (their own choice).
I am terribly sad and feel like my husband died....at least the man I was married to for 18 years did. BUT the troubled, sad, depressed soul that I have been married to for the last 3 years, who I let hurt me and drag me through the mud...him I'm actually a bit relieved to be free of. That's what I meant about the serenity prayer....I have to remember that I can only change my situation and not control his.
What would be so hard is that sober AH would call me in the morning and be the man that I loved but then drunk AH would call me in the evening and be the man I hated. You understand...I know you do. Thank you - you are a tremendous blessing in my life.
The hard thing is that my AH was respected in the community, great job (that he is now close to losing), coached youth sports and was thought of as a really nice man. Now he has been involved with the police, twice that I know of, reported drunk by many people and his sons have lost total respect for him (their own choice).
I am terribly sad and feel like my husband died....at least the man I was married to for 18 years did. BUT the troubled, sad, depressed soul that I have been married to for the last 3 years, who I let hurt me and drag me through the mud...him I'm actually a bit relieved to be free of. That's what I meant about the serenity prayer....I have to remember that I can only change my situation and not control his.
What would be so hard is that sober AH would call me in the morning and be the man that I loved but then drunk AH would call me in the evening and be the man I hated. You understand...I know you do. Thank you - you are a tremendous blessing in my life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I wasn't aware of your history and when I made reference to the mistress winning, I meant the alcohol. In many ways this mourning will serve you because for all intent and purposes, the man you loved did die.
You will love again. This is a process and when it stops hurting, you will see it differently. In many ways we mourn our own death too. What you don't realize yet is that this is not a death at all, it is a birth.
You will love again. This is a process and when it stops hurting, you will see it differently. In many ways we mourn our own death too. What you don't realize yet is that this is not a death at all, it is a birth.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Shelly your in my prayers....it is never easy......I was blessed to have a man who loved me enough to stay away long enough to try and get me together again......in the end we are together and fighting harder than hell every day to keep our worlds from falling a part again.......good luck honey and God Bless!!!
Pamm
Pamm
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 12
divorce
Shellygirl its a sad post today ,but one thats close to my home ,as i type now my two beautiful daughters are gettin ready to go have dinner with their dads wife to be ,this month they will be brides maids for them at their wedding ,i ask myself if he didnt get it right the first time why ruin another womans life ,but i cannot control what life he leads ,i have decided to wish them well and was told for every bad thought i have for him say a prayer for his new wife ,and thank him for my children,i found it hard at first but then reliased i was prayin all day ,so i gave up the bad thoughts ,to day i will light a candle for you ,LIFE ? ITS ONLY JUST BEGUN :praying
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 65
So sorry to hear that. It is truly painful to love an alcoholic who loves alcohol more. You did the right thing - just remember, you can't cure it however much you'd like to! It has taken bucketloads of courage to get here so you are an inspiration to everyone facing a similar decision. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
Shellygirl, I had tears well-up when I read your post. I am so very sorry that this has happened to you. Alcohol has no mercy on anything does it? I know it is so hard to say goodbye when you still truly love the "person" that this disease has taken over. I still love my XABF and have been having a hard time not thinking and wondering about him this past week. Time will heal but sometimes it seems like it takes forever to get back to normal. (If there even IS such a thing).
My thoughts and heartfelt prayers go out to you! One thing I will say outloud: who knows....maybe this man you fell so in love with WILL become sober some day and stay that way. If so, who's to say you might not get back together some day. Keep that in mind when you feel down. If he chooses not to get sober then at least you will be able to move forward knowing that nothing would have changed by staying married to him.
Keep working on your recovery and praying.
Hugs
My thoughts and heartfelt prayers go out to you! One thing I will say outloud: who knows....maybe this man you fell so in love with WILL become sober some day and stay that way. If so, who's to say you might not get back together some day. Keep that in mind when you feel down. If he chooses not to get sober then at least you will be able to move forward knowing that nothing would have changed by staying married to him.
Keep working on your recovery and praying.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
((((((((((((((((((((((Shelleygirl))))))))))))))))) ))
I think that alot of us if not all of us here on SR didn't WANT to let go of our spouses when the end came......I know I wasn't ready to. It happened none the less though. It takes an awful long time to achieve the point of thinking that we are "healed" and some of us never achieve it. I still am not. It hurts terribly when the realization hits that the alcohol really did win and the disease took someone so very precious to us. For me it was addiction and another woman and drugs too.....but it doesn't matter what took them away all we feel is the hurt that the devastation leaves behind in its wake. The death of a marriage especially a long one will require a long time to get over ... I think I read somewhere that it takes approximately 1 year for every 3 years that you were married. My heart bleeds for you today hunny. Maybe just maybe .... your husband (and I say husband because I know the name exhusband is not a name you want to hear yet..) will realize all that he lost and will take the steps into recovery and perhaps back into your life. And when and if that does happen I would lay odds that you will NOT want him back again. And THAT is his consequence that he will have to have because of what he chose. Its all about choices. The saying that nuthin changes if nuthin changes is so real and today it was as real as it gets.....sadly. Huggs to you and yours sweetie.
Janitw
I think that alot of us if not all of us here on SR didn't WANT to let go of our spouses when the end came......I know I wasn't ready to. It happened none the less though. It takes an awful long time to achieve the point of thinking that we are "healed" and some of us never achieve it. I still am not. It hurts terribly when the realization hits that the alcohol really did win and the disease took someone so very precious to us. For me it was addiction and another woman and drugs too.....but it doesn't matter what took them away all we feel is the hurt that the devastation leaves behind in its wake. The death of a marriage especially a long one will require a long time to get over ... I think I read somewhere that it takes approximately 1 year for every 3 years that you were married. My heart bleeds for you today hunny. Maybe just maybe .... your husband (and I say husband because I know the name exhusband is not a name you want to hear yet..) will realize all that he lost and will take the steps into recovery and perhaps back into your life. And when and if that does happen I would lay odds that you will NOT want him back again. And THAT is his consequence that he will have to have because of what he chose. Its all about choices. The saying that nuthin changes if nuthin changes is so real and today it was as real as it gets.....sadly. Huggs to you and yours sweetie.
Janitw
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
