A doesn't want me to leave
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A doesn't want me to leave
In living in this surreal world that I've stumbled into, some thing just take the cake. The AW is now scared that I'm going to leave her. She asked me this morning to please not leave her. That sort of thing makes things very hard for me, mainly because of that stupid 4 letter word, HOPE.
Sometimes, knowing too much is just as bad as knowing to little. Like most of you, I've done the research on alcoholism. One of the facts that comes up is family support triples the chance of recovery, if the addict enters recovery. So for me, on top of my religious and moral scruples about marriage, I'm faced with the knowledge that if I abandon her to her fate, I reduce her chances of recovery. I also know she hasn't made any effort to enter recovery, so I might just be fooling myself. This is a cruel twist of fate.... and a difficult decision to make.
Redd
Sometimes, knowing too much is just as bad as knowing to little. Like most of you, I've done the research on alcoholism. One of the facts that comes up is family support triples the chance of recovery, if the addict enters recovery. So for me, on top of my religious and moral scruples about marriage, I'm faced with the knowledge that if I abandon her to her fate, I reduce her chances of recovery. I also know she hasn't made any effort to enter recovery, so I might just be fooling myself. This is a cruel twist of fate.... and a difficult decision to make.
Redd
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 55
I put up with that bs for 19 years. Every time I got close to leaving, he would tell me that we were his world and I was his rock and he couldn't make it without me. I'd be stupid and cave in. I'd feel sorry for him and then next thing you know it's all back to the same old same old. What a roller coaster ride. Nothing made a difference until he got arrested and started to wake up. I'm telling you that words are nothing. Absolutely nothing. Actions are what you need to look for and from what I am reading from you, that is not happening. Actions include acknowledgement that she is an A followed by admitting that she needs help, immediately followed by GETTING help and even then it's not over. It is hard work every day and waking up every day determined to keep getting help, making the choice to not drink, knowing what to do when she wants and craves the drink and making sure she does everything she can to not take that first drink.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Redd,
My shrink told me that when I'm ready to leave, I'll know it. Likewise for you, if you're not through giving her chances, than that's entirely up to you. Now would seem like a good opportunity, however, to lay some boundaries since she has shown a desire to continue your marriage. The abuse would be among those I believe.
Honestly, it has taken me 15 years to get to the point when I'm ready to concede that I can't take the insanity anymore. I've been on an internet board for stepmothers for over 10 years. There are few women there whose story can come close to the hell I've put up with as a stepmother. There is noone on my board whose mother-in-law has refused so adamantly to let her baby boy grow up (she still gives him orders and he's almost 50) or who has been such a relentless source of meddling, marital hell. And to make matters worse, my AH's drinking created, fueled, amplified, distorted and compromised all the relationships in our family. I don't think I saw it for a long time because I started taking anti-depressants 9 years ago and stayed numb for many years. I was anything BUT happy. I guess fear kept me from truly seeking out my own happiness. I was just maintaining a daily existence on this earth.
So I can totally relate to your mixed emotions. But I also see a light at the end of the tunnel. If my AH can't stay sober, or reintroduces booze into our lives, I am through. I don't know if it will be day he puts that water (vodka) bottle to his lips or very soon after, but I can now look back and see the time I have wasted. I lost me, I lost my self-esteem, my self-worth and everything that I used to be. I had been whittled away down to a numb, boring human waiting to die. Oh, and for some codie reason, I was far too concerned with what my AH's mother and children thought of me. Felt condemned and for some reason, I couldn't imagine that the whole lot of them could be so crazy that their condemnation wasn't somehow warranted. Maybe I was the reason their son/father drank. Screw it. I'm done. I could care less if I never lay eyes on any of them ever again. Something just snapped in me. But I feel better. I have a positive future. My kids have a positive future. I'm no longer going to be guided by my AH's desire to drink himself blind. I'm taking the lead in my life. And I hope that you get to that point sooner than later.
I really hope your AW seeks her own recovery and doesn't feed you b.s. just to get you to stay and to sneak her booze anyway. My AH did that for years!! This is the first time he's really sought sobriety and it's completely and totally different. He's honest, humble, and working his program. But it took a damned long time to get here from when he first admitted 8 years ago that he was an alcoholic to me. He was actually an alcoholic for many years prior to that.
I'm glad you're seeing changes though. See, it's true. Nothing changes until you change them. You're making changes and she's noticed.
My shrink told me that when I'm ready to leave, I'll know it. Likewise for you, if you're not through giving her chances, than that's entirely up to you. Now would seem like a good opportunity, however, to lay some boundaries since she has shown a desire to continue your marriage. The abuse would be among those I believe.
Honestly, it has taken me 15 years to get to the point when I'm ready to concede that I can't take the insanity anymore. I've been on an internet board for stepmothers for over 10 years. There are few women there whose story can come close to the hell I've put up with as a stepmother. There is noone on my board whose mother-in-law has refused so adamantly to let her baby boy grow up (she still gives him orders and he's almost 50) or who has been such a relentless source of meddling, marital hell. And to make matters worse, my AH's drinking created, fueled, amplified, distorted and compromised all the relationships in our family. I don't think I saw it for a long time because I started taking anti-depressants 9 years ago and stayed numb for many years. I was anything BUT happy. I guess fear kept me from truly seeking out my own happiness. I was just maintaining a daily existence on this earth.
So I can totally relate to your mixed emotions. But I also see a light at the end of the tunnel. If my AH can't stay sober, or reintroduces booze into our lives, I am through. I don't know if it will be day he puts that water (vodka) bottle to his lips or very soon after, but I can now look back and see the time I have wasted. I lost me, I lost my self-esteem, my self-worth and everything that I used to be. I had been whittled away down to a numb, boring human waiting to die. Oh, and for some codie reason, I was far too concerned with what my AH's mother and children thought of me. Felt condemned and for some reason, I couldn't imagine that the whole lot of them could be so crazy that their condemnation wasn't somehow warranted. Maybe I was the reason their son/father drank. Screw it. I'm done. I could care less if I never lay eyes on any of them ever again. Something just snapped in me. But I feel better. I have a positive future. My kids have a positive future. I'm no longer going to be guided by my AH's desire to drink himself blind. I'm taking the lead in my life. And I hope that you get to that point sooner than later.
I really hope your AW seeks her own recovery and doesn't feed you b.s. just to get you to stay and to sneak her booze anyway. My AH did that for years!! This is the first time he's really sought sobriety and it's completely and totally different. He's honest, humble, and working his program. But it took a damned long time to get here from when he first admitted 8 years ago that he was an alcoholic to me. He was actually an alcoholic for many years prior to that.
I'm glad you're seeing changes though. See, it's true. Nothing changes until you change them. You're making changes and she's noticed.
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Originally Posted by Reddmax 
Sometimes, knowing too much is just as bad as knowing to little. Like most of you, I've done the research on alcoholism. One of the facts that comes up is family support triples the chance of recovery, if the addict enters recovery.
L
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Great Lake Country
Posts: 333
In talking with my T, I've started looking into the fears that keep me chained in this mess.
First and foremost, although I've had a mixed relationship with the stepkids, I really want to continue that. I don't want them to hate me, but as my therapist says... You can't control that. My decisions will have to be made on the things I find to be important.
Second, I've got to realize that what I think about myself is important. I'm a nice guy, smart, caring, nicely employed, with a lot to offer. I like being in a respectful, caring relationship. There are women out there that will accept me for who I am, and love me without being crazy. That's something I have to work on.
Redd
First and foremost, although I've had a mixed relationship with the stepkids, I really want to continue that. I don't want them to hate me, but as my therapist says... You can't control that. My decisions will have to be made on the things I find to be important.
Second, I've got to realize that what I think about myself is important. I'm a nice guy, smart, caring, nicely employed, with a lot to offer. I like being in a respectful, caring relationship. There are women out there that will accept me for who I am, and love me without being crazy. That's something I have to work on.
Redd
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 55
Redd, I completely understand where you are coming from. It may not have come out in my post but I do. It can work for both of you. After 19 years of grief & misery, it is starting to work now. BUT, he is working his program and I am working mine. There has to be changes made and that is why I wrote what I did. Those are the things that you have to look for in her. The most important thing now is for you to really work on you. Keep doing what you are doing because it sounds like you are starting on the right track. Then do some more for you. Set the boundaries and stick with them. You do have a lot to offer and you are important. Stop putting yourself on the back burner and take steps to improve your life. Maybe as she sees that you are sticking to it and you are not easy to manipulate, it will make her face her problem. And it is her problem.
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It's a sloooooow process. There is conflict at every step of the way. Boundaries getting broken, conflict, abuse. I hate this stupid dance we're in. Its totally a waste of time. She accets things one day, and denies things the next. Her therapist is working on the root causes of her addictions, but so far hasn't said anything about treating the actual disease. I don't know if that's accepted practice, but it seems a bit fishy to me.
Anyway... I'm living in a fog. IF, IF, IF, like LTD said is such a nasty little word. Denial is another nasty word. But you all have experienced it too, so you understand. Thanks for being there for me.
Redd
Anyway... I'm living in a fog. IF, IF, IF, like LTD said is such a nasty little word. Denial is another nasty word. But you all have experienced it too, so you understand. Thanks for being there for me.
Redd
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 55
Redd, that is why it's so important for you to focus on you! All of what you said is exactly the point. The if's are frustrating. The mood and attitude changes from one day to the next are frustrating and confusing. The only way it will get even a little better is for you to stop focusing and worrying about her behavior and work on your own! You are reacting to everything she does, good and bad. Reacting is a way of giving over control so you are giving it to her. You need to take control. Pick one thing that you really want for yourself, work on it, stick with it, master it and then do another. Each step will make you stronger and empower you. Good things don't come easy. The things you have to work the hardest for are the most rewarding. You can do it!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Leaving or staying may seem like the most important decision, but it's really not. The most important decision is recovery. Yours, not hers. Making the decision to focus on yourself, to create and enforce boundaries, to detach from the madness--that is the decision that will save your life. And when you make that decision, it will no longer matter so much if she decides to recover or not, because you will be okay regardless of what she does.
If you're not ready to leave, then don't. But, please make the decision to put yourself first and stop sacrificing your life to her addiction.
L
If you're not ready to leave, then don't. But, please make the decision to put yourself first and stop sacrificing your life to her addiction.
L
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