cyclelady

Our sons (who are all under 10 yo) are in sports. Spring it is baseball, they started football this year to see if they like it, right now, and in the winter is wrestling. The boys like these sports. I enjoy going to watch them play and seeing them have a good time enjoying something. They wanted to join boyscouts and my AH threw an absolute fit saying he doesnt have time for "HIMself" now. "Dont these kids do enough?" "I'm on my F*&%$ own if I put them into boyscouts." it is 2-3 times a month for 1 1/2 hours. (BTW I take them to all of the practices and games for every other sport anyway, there is no difference) He shows up but most the time late. I asked him what did we do anyway that we are taking away from him, sitting on the couch? He said "HE" cant do anything!

If I or the kids are happy then he is supposed to be happy and he isnt! I aksed him what he wanted to do and he couldnt answer me! He just said that HE cant even come home and drink a beer without getting yelled at. I said that he has choices and so do I. If he wants to come home and drink a beer that is all his choice and MY choice is not to be here when he does! Then of course he says it is BS that if he drinks a beer then I'm taking HIS kids away from him:wtf2! It is not the 1 BEER - it is the cant stop at 1 BEER and then the behavior after the uncontrolled drinking!! Why cant he get that?

Am I crazy? Is it really the kids are doing too much or is it just cuz it is taking away from "his" beerthirty? I see it as the kids are only little once! In a few years they will be with their friends and not want to hang with mom. I also see this as an opportunity for them to see what they like to do. I dont push these sports, I ask if they want to do them and if they say no then that would be okay with me as well. But they enjoy these, it might give them a sense of stability? UGHHHHH -

Sorry for the long rant, it is just driving me crazy!!! I think I'm doing the right thing by my kids but sometimes he digs in my head and turns it a little.

theotherone

I've come to learn that alcoholism is a very selfish disease. My A is welcome to be a part of all the actvities, but unfortunately they do not serve beer at youth football games or at boy scout outings. I know his attendance was always limited due to the beer availability. It's his choice...we never left him without an invite....and none of us find it entertaining to sit around and watch him drink until he gets lit enough to start his rants. He used to blame me for not having any time for him and giving the kids all my attention...gee, I wonder why?

denny57

I was a girl scout and loved it. It taught me self reliance.

respektingme

No you're not crazy. Your AH would just like you to think you are.

Getting the kids out of his drinking/insanity and having them out challenging themselves and learning self-confidence is absolutely wonderful. Of course he's not going to like it. He'd rather stay home and drink. But his guilt may be eating at him. Too bad, his bed to lie in.

rozied

Honey you know your hubby is being unreasonable don't you? If you are ok with your sons joining Boyscouts, let them join. As you said you are the one who takes them to all their practices.

cyclelady

Thank you for the replies! I was going with my gut and saying he is not going to stop US from having fun and US from being happy so I signed them up. But now I'm getting the grief and the snotty comments (which I know to ignore but it still eats at me) The kids asked "why dont dad want us to join anything?" What do you tell them? I say it's okay, Mom will take you, there are a lot of mommies there! We will have fun :O) But that still doesnt answer their question about why dad doesnt want them to do anything.

denny57

Are your children receiving any outside support/education about alcoholism?

Blondie

My youngest son loves soccer and has played for six seasons. His alcoholic dad has only been to three games and one practice in that time. My son asks him to go, but AH always has an excuse. So, I take my son to soccer and cheer him on, I help him practice at home, and I help his team out sometimes. It's all about my son and his love of soccer. I love to watch him play and have fun.

My AH doesn't know what he is missing, but that is his problem. I just figure that the boys will only be little for so long and I show support to them anyway I can whether in sports, art, or school. AH does not show up for any functions and doesn't even know the boys' teachers' or friends' names. I tell him when the functions and games are and if he wants to show up he can, but if he doesn't I don't bring it up or nag him. We've gotten used to not having him around much.

My grandmother told me that the boys will always remember those fun times they had with their mom. I hope that that is true.

kemarus

They will always remember the fun times with mom! I am sure of it. My kids are 18 & soon to be 16 now. My son just moved in to college but not far away. His choice. They were both very active. Both played soccer since they were 4. Sometimes on 2 teams each. They did school and travel club. Sometimes even indoor in the winter. They also did track & field. I was at every game and every practice. Loved it. As tiring as it was, I loved it. So now my son moved in to college and I didn't know what to expect. Guess what? He tells me almost every day what is going on at college. Tells me about his classes and the people he's meeting. Asks me to come out and meet them! Being so involved in their lives as they were growing up has carried over to them still wanting me to be a big part of their lives even as they are getting older. It is so worth it.

Limerick37

Hi - your story sounds familiar. My sister, who is married to an A, has 4 children who are all VERY involved in sports (she has pushed this as a way for them to be constructive, healthy, stay busy & fit given what's going on for them at home). Her AH has been to only a few games over the last 15 years (kids range in age from 6 to 17)...my nieces were able to talk to me this summer about how much this has hurt them...when they were playing 8th grade basketball, he wouldn't go to their games, but instead went to a local women's university game...told me and my husband in front of the kids, "Watching the grammar school kids is so boring." I was astonished and furious - there are people in the world who would give their right arm to see their kids participate in a sport, and he throws these chances away...alcoholism is a selfish disease...what my sister has done is to basically become a single parent in this regard - she takes the kids to every single practice, and she took my 2 nephews to Cub and Boy Scouts - and she wasn't the only mom there. It's sad - I hope your husband realizes what he is missing before things are too late.

daisyjen

Let me tell you about the other side of this. My husband would always coach our kids sports. It would be fine in the beginning of the season, but by midseason, he couldnt take the stress of it (or that was the excuse of the moment) and would drink before practices and games. Kids would ask our sons why their dad smelled like beer. He would harass and yell at our boys till they didnt want him to be coach anymore. The next season, they'd be excited again at having their dad coach, only to find the cycle repeat itself. Promises were broken. It was heartbreaking to watch.

Now that he is in recovery, he tries to pat himself on the back for being so involved in their sports even through alcoholism. Ive had to tell him that they eventually would have rather he stayed away.

cyclelady

My kids are not in any alcoholism education. I do however explain that it is not normal for their dad to drink the way he does. I try to give them good examples of people who dont drink like that, Brother, step dad, uncle (male roles). I thought they might be too young for anything formal and also i guess rockin the boat- 9,6, and 5 My AH says that they dont understand, they only hear what I say and repeat it! My boys told their dad last night that they dont like when he drinks because he is mean to them and their mommy. He said OH BS! You only say that cuz your mom says it and then they look at me like he is crazy!

LaTeeDa

It's a he-said, she-said game and they are caught in the middle. The middle is a very confusing place to be. I know because I used to be one of those kids. I think it would have really helped if I had someone objective (like a counselor) to talk to. I'm still digging up and sorting through my ACOA issues at the age of 45.

L

kemarus

Oh how many times did I hear that the kids were only saying something about his drinking or reacting in a certain way because "that's your mother talking" or "your only doing that because that's what your mother does"! When they were really little, they fell for it. When they were a little older, they just looked at him like he was crazy. When they hit their teens, they didn't care what he did they wanted nothing to do with him period. By then they hated him and what he had become and he was too stupid to see it until it was too late. He lost so many years and so many great experiences but that is on him. Today, he realizes it and regrets it terribly because he is sober. He can't make up for it though. He has to feel that pain and deal with it.

Bernadette

Why cant he get that?

Because he is an alcoholic.

Am I crazy?
No. You are in a relationship with an alcoholic.

Don't try to figure out why he responds as he does! Why he doesn't show up to games! Don't even waste your precious mind or energy on any of that. You already know why. Because he is an alcoholic. And I am a big believer in not just blaming the alcohol for everything -- if you took the alcohol out of the equation would his responses and behavior be acceptable in an important loving relationship/partnership?? Behavior tells you all you need to know. My exH was not an alcoholic - he was an irresponsible person. He also couldn't show up for games- for plays, school assemblies. And if he did show up, he arrived late, forgot important people's names (like his kid's best friends!!!???) all kinds of LAME behavior. He couldn't have a normal argument with me - or anyone- he would stonewall and just be so indignant! People reveal their true character in their behavior, drunk or sober. Don't excuse it! Believe it!!

AH says that they dont understand, they only hear what I say and repeat it!

And they hear what he says too. They hear everything. And they make conclusions about life based on what they are hearing and seeing the most important people in their world saying and doing (behavior).

It is so hard but it's great if you can tune him out and still have all that fun with your kids!! These years with them WILL go by, one by one, and you sound like you are making a good life for them. it is so important for the children of alcoholics to be exposed to sports and people behaving with kindness, friendship, good sportsmanship etc. They benefit by learning some alternative healthy ways of handling the stresses that life heaps on us all. Scouts sounds awesome for them. And you will have so many lovely memories in the bank and will have given them at least some picture of what a fun, natural, healthy childhood can be.

Stay strong!

Peace,
B.

P.S. Have you tried AlAnon?

cyclelady

Yes, I have tried Al-anon - I havent found the "right" group for me yet. I am still going to keep looking though - I (WE) have our first marriage counceling session tomorrow AM, we will see how this goes, since there isnt anything wrong with his behavior it is all me! :chatter Ughhh, we (I) will try my darndest but this is my last straw! It has to be for me and my kids! I need to be able to say I have tried everything in MY power to "help" us! For my mind's sake!
Thank you again for your replies! It helps a lot to know I'm not alone!

theotherone

I know when we first went for counseling together and the counselor wanted to see him seperately, that was the end. He thought for sure the couselor would call me out as the crazy causing the madness in our life. I didn't stop going and have grown stronger ever since. I know exactly how you feel as having to do what you feel is necessary in your mind...only you will know when you are ready to make any changes and believe me when that light went on for me it was a godsend. You are headed in the right direction and please stay here for support and encouragement along the way. We are all at different stages on our road to recovery and can help you along! Stay strong.

C