Tonight is the last night...
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Tonight is the last night...
Well, I have been on hiatus as I am trying to avoid my house as much as humanly possible.
Tonight is the last night that we will ever live in the same house again. It has been horrible to say the least. The house is a mess, and it is just a stress coming home everyday to see him there. I just can't believe he even asked me again today if he could stay until his social security comes through. Originally, when we discussed splitting, I told him that I would help out a bit until December. Now I am regretting that decision and pissed at myself, but feel trapped. It wouldn't be so crappy if he was atleast grateful about it, but he has this air of entitlement about it. Then he constantly blames his situation on his bad luck. It is more like his poor planning. He has not one ounce of consideration for the financial and emotional burden this has placed on me. It is all about him.
Well, thanks to all for letting me vent...I know I am on the roller coaster of emotions...one post sad, one post angry, one post relieve, and on and on...so thanks for sitting with me for the ride. I realize that this is going to be the hardest part.
I can't WAIT until this is over...Can anyone share some experiences about how their situation turned out and how their lives changed for the better once the A was gone?
Tonight is the last night that we will ever live in the same house again. It has been horrible to say the least. The house is a mess, and it is just a stress coming home everyday to see him there. I just can't believe he even asked me again today if he could stay until his social security comes through. Originally, when we discussed splitting, I told him that I would help out a bit until December. Now I am regretting that decision and pissed at myself, but feel trapped. It wouldn't be so crappy if he was atleast grateful about it, but he has this air of entitlement about it. Then he constantly blames his situation on his bad luck. It is more like his poor planning. He has not one ounce of consideration for the financial and emotional burden this has placed on me. It is all about him.
Well, thanks to all for letting me vent...I know I am on the roller coaster of emotions...one post sad, one post angry, one post relieve, and on and on...so thanks for sitting with me for the ride. I realize that this is going to be the hardest part.
I can't WAIT until this is over...Can anyone share some experiences about how their situation turned out and how their lives changed for the better once the A was gone?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Silverberry1331 
I can't WAIT until this is over...Can anyone share some experiences about how their situation turned out and how their lives changed for the better once the A was gone?
Those are just a few things that come to mind. BTW, just because you said you would help him out financially till December doesn't mean you are obligated to do so. Circumstances change, finances change, and you are allowed to change your mind in any case.
One of the things that helped me in reclaiming my life was buying new bedding once he was gone. I didn't want to sleep in the same old smelly sheets anymore. (Yes, they still smelled like alcohol, no matter how many times I washed them.)
L
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
I think you will find some peace in your home. I was always running around trying to put fires out. I can now relax.
Do I miss him? Yeah, I miss the good stuff when it happened. But it was farther and farther between bad times.
Do I miss him? Yeah, I miss the good stuff when it happened. But it was farther and farther between bad times.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
LaTeeDa sum it up very nicely! I too have more money and the first thing I did was have my hair highlighted and cut - I'm now a redhead! No more blonde!
I'm moving into my new house tomorrow and can't wait. Hang in there only a few hours more.
Oh, and you have every right to change your mind, you didn't legally commit to anything so...................
I'm moving into my new house tomorrow and can't wait. Hang in there only a few hours more.
Oh, and you have every right to change your mind, you didn't legally commit to anything so...................
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Yeah, I am looking forward to waking up refreshed...I have been a zombie for too long! Thanks for the idea about the new bedding, La...I was thinking about that myself. I am also going to scrub the house and put away all the pictures.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
This is a great exercise for me. . .
My house is quiet- no arguing, no TV on at all hours, no 3-4 alarm clocks going off all morning while he slept through them. Peace and quiet- time for me to think about what had happened and what is happening now; what I want for myself. . .
Cleaning up the house is easier- none of his dirty dishes all over the house, his dirty socks to pick up, his scraps of paper, mail etc. . .
Life is easier. I don't have to walk around the lump on the couch. I don't have to wait around expecting him to help me with housework, initiate dates, or any of the number of things you'd expect from an engaged spouse. I don't walk around on eggshells wondering when or if he's drinking. I don't spend wasteful energy wondering if he's going to do what he said he's going to, why he won't do what I was hoping he'd do, thinking up endless ways to ask him for help since the hundred ways I had used before weren't working. Now my energy is spent on ME.
I'm looking forward to getting my own house. I am going to get a new couch- take an ax to the one he slept on night after night for years-
(Not really- it just sounds fun.) AND- like LTD I am getting new sheets as well as a new mattress. I want to sleep like a baby in a bed that is ALL MINE!
My house is quiet- no arguing, no TV on at all hours, no 3-4 alarm clocks going off all morning while he slept through them. Peace and quiet- time for me to think about what had happened and what is happening now; what I want for myself. . .
Cleaning up the house is easier- none of his dirty dishes all over the house, his dirty socks to pick up, his scraps of paper, mail etc. . .
Life is easier. I don't have to walk around the lump on the couch. I don't have to wait around expecting him to help me with housework, initiate dates, or any of the number of things you'd expect from an engaged spouse. I don't walk around on eggshells wondering when or if he's drinking. I don't spend wasteful energy wondering if he's going to do what he said he's going to, why he won't do what I was hoping he'd do, thinking up endless ways to ask him for help since the hundred ways I had used before weren't working. Now my energy is spent on ME.
I'm looking forward to getting my own house. I am going to get a new couch- take an ax to the one he slept on night after night for years-
(Not really- it just sounds fun.) AND- like LTD I am getting new sheets as well as a new mattress. I want to sleep like a baby in a bed that is ALL MINE!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
AMEN LaTeeDa!! Couldn't have said it better myself. I now have more money, the utilities went down, house is clean unless "I" leave it in a mess, I sleep better, less stress, less worry!!! It took me a few weeks to feel the FULL effect, but I can definately tell the difference now. I took on the new motto "It's NOT MY problem".
Hang in there SilverBerry. A better life is just around the corner for you. I can remember last year on New Years Eve, I was visiting a friend in Louisiana and I kept thinking, "well, this year is going to be full of changes for me! Thsi will be the last NYE I am stressing over him and his issues". It was sad in a way, but now, looking back, I am so very grateful! You will be too. The thoughts of him, feeling sorry that he can't get it together, etc... will probably not go away anytime soon, but you will learn to manage them. Just remember, This Too Shall Pass! For every bad, depressing day you have, there will be wonderful days to follow it!
Blessings to you and keep your chin up.
Hang in there SilverBerry. A better life is just around the corner for you. I can remember last year on New Years Eve, I was visiting a friend in Louisiana and I kept thinking, "well, this year is going to be full of changes for me! Thsi will be the last NYE I am stressing over him and his issues". It was sad in a way, but now, looking back, I am so very grateful! You will be too. The thoughts of him, feeling sorry that he can't get it together, etc... will probably not go away anytime soon, but you will learn to manage them. Just remember, This Too Shall Pass! For every bad, depressing day you have, there will be wonderful days to follow it!
Blessings to you and keep your chin up.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
No more wondering where all the money in the bank went then listening to him lie about it.
No more snoring drunk in my bed (bought new mattresses and gave him the old ones, ha!).
No more hidden stashes of beer cans (I haven't found any for over a month now so I think I got them all finally!).
My bathroom no longer stinks like beer and cigarettes (3 coats of paint later!)
No more vacations ruined by round the clock drinking
No more snoring drunk in my bed (bought new mattresses and gave him the old ones, ha!).
No more hidden stashes of beer cans (I haven't found any for over a month now so I think I got them all finally!).
My bathroom no longer stinks like beer and cigarettes (3 coats of paint later!)
No more vacations ruined by round the clock drinking
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I became a person who remembered the vows spoken to me, not just the ones I spoke. I was not cherished, loved, honored and felt no need to keep promises to someone who didn't keep his. I could suddenly eat when I wanted, sleep when I wanted, keep to a budget, die my hair purple if I wanted and MY home became my santuary.
I rediscovered that I had a mind. I learned that eggshells can be stomped on and smashing them felt pretty good. oh......I also started having friends over, I could accept invitations and not be the first to leave or apologize the next day.
I rediscovered that I had a mind. I learned that eggshells can be stomped on and smashing them felt pretty good. oh......I also started having friends over, I could accept invitations and not be the first to leave or apologize the next day.
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
I am going to participate in this conversation with the things I can look forward to:
-Doing homework without someone complaining that I am "unavailable again"
-Go out after work without feeling rushed to get home.
-Being able to entertain again.
-Not having to beg, plead, or cry to get someone out of bed.
-Not having to hear the words, "I'm so depressed."
-Not obsessing everytime I hear an ambulance
-Not having to fear the mail for court notices from his past due child support
-No more worrying when he is going to run out of money
-No more scrambling to give him spending money (yeah...bad...I know..)
-No more buying crap junk food to make him happy
-No more listening to him yell at the cats
-Finally can enjoy my mornings again, and my weekends, and my evenings.
-No more wishing I could travel, but not being able to because I couldn't afford him and I both.
-No more wondering if I am always going to be living paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life.
-I can finally get the workout program going that I didn't have time form
-I can buy myself something.
-I can come and go as I please
Hey...I guess I could go on...I think I am going to be okay...anyone else want to add?
-Doing homework without someone complaining that I am "unavailable again"
-Go out after work without feeling rushed to get home.
-Being able to entertain again.
-Not having to beg, plead, or cry to get someone out of bed.
-Not having to hear the words, "I'm so depressed."
-Not obsessing everytime I hear an ambulance
-Not having to fear the mail for court notices from his past due child support
-No more worrying when he is going to run out of money
-No more scrambling to give him spending money (yeah...bad...I know..)
-No more buying crap junk food to make him happy
-No more listening to him yell at the cats
-Finally can enjoy my mornings again, and my weekends, and my evenings.
-No more wishing I could travel, but not being able to because I couldn't afford him and I both.
-No more wondering if I am always going to be living paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life.
-I can finally get the workout program going that I didn't have time form
-I can buy myself something.
-I can come and go as I please
Hey...I guess I could go on...I think I am going to be okay...anyone else want to add?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Silverberry1331
-No more listening to him yell at the cats
LOL
L
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 73
Ok, this is gross and I probably shouldn't post it, but...
No more trying to sleep next to the sloppy guy, in the years old boxer shorts with holes (because they're comfortable NOW), passing gas (beer gas, ugh!) all night! YUK!! I've never enjoyed having my bed all to myself as I do now!
Seriously, life is just peaceful without the A in my home. I've come to really enjoy and relish 'quiet'...so nice!
Good luck to you and I hope you really begin to enjoy some peaceful time and begin to look forward to coming home!!
No more trying to sleep next to the sloppy guy, in the years old boxer shorts with holes (because they're comfortable NOW), passing gas (beer gas, ugh!) all night! YUK!! I've never enjoyed having my bed all to myself as I do now!
Seriously, life is just peaceful without the A in my home. I've come to really enjoy and relish 'quiet'...so nice!
Good luck to you and I hope you really begin to enjoy some peaceful time and begin to look forward to coming home!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
What a great list! Now let's see what can I add:
I can have a pj day without feeling guilty
I can have my friends over and not worry about him monopolizing the conversation with his stupid and immature comments and have my friends look at me as if to say why?
Read any book I like without him telling me what it's all about
Not having to watch him do nothing, no job, no cleaning up, no nice conversations, no help with anything, no nothing
Knowing that when I come home it's exactly the same way that I left it, except where Kingston my lab has sneaked onto the duvet
No more yucky laundry being mixed in with mine, enough said about that
No more bad smells permeating from his body throughout my home, cheaper on candles now for sure
No more thinking, Oh my God he's going to want to touch me and worse maybe more
I could go on and on, I haven't even discovered some yet because I'm moving into my own house tomorrow.
It's been great staying at my girlfriends for the last month, I've had a nibble of the freedom and now I have a huge appetite!
I can have a pj day without feeling guilty
I can have my friends over and not worry about him monopolizing the conversation with his stupid and immature comments and have my friends look at me as if to say why?
Read any book I like without him telling me what it's all about
Not having to watch him do nothing, no job, no cleaning up, no nice conversations, no help with anything, no nothing
Knowing that when I come home it's exactly the same way that I left it, except where Kingston my lab has sneaked onto the duvet
No more yucky laundry being mixed in with mine, enough said about that
No more bad smells permeating from his body throughout my home, cheaper on candles now for sure
No more thinking, Oh my God he's going to want to touch me and worse maybe more
I could go on and on, I haven't even discovered some yet because I'm moving into my own house tomorrow.
It's been great staying at my girlfriends for the last month, I've had a nibble of the freedom and now I have a huge appetite!
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
That one cracked me up! Cats being the way they are, I can just picture some drunk yelling at a cat and a cat looking at him like "who do you think you are?"
LOL
L
LOL
L
So, I guess Buster will be looking forward to something to...cleaning his rear end in peace!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 12
bravery
[QUOTE=Silverberry1331;1896781]Well, I have been on hiatus as I am trying to avoid my house as much as humanly possible.
i have read your post with envy and admiration ,im in early stage of hinting that time has come to move on,or out to be exact,i often wonder what my home would be like if every day wasnt the same,it must be nice to breath,sometimes i pretent my partner left and all the tension is gone with him,how long can i watch his eyes for signs of overdose ,pasty skin and slurred speech,its controlling my life and sometimes it all i think about,i pray each day for a better day ,it is bad to think that the man i love dearly would be better off dead,can he survive another day ,the answer i suppose is yes he will live a long life ,i would love to have the zest to move on but i feel trapped,cos i do love this A a lot,am a fraid i cannot make it on my own .Are there any yes /no answers if my daughter came home with one like him id strangler her would rant and rave bout ruining her life ,wasting it on some A that doesnt give a si$$$$$ why cant i do it to myself ,am i worth the effort,i just want to be happy to be honest,,,,,,,,,,thanks for listening
i have read your post with envy and admiration ,im in early stage of hinting that time has come to move on,or out to be exact,i often wonder what my home would be like if every day wasnt the same,it must be nice to breath,sometimes i pretent my partner left and all the tension is gone with him,how long can i watch his eyes for signs of overdose ,pasty skin and slurred speech,its controlling my life and sometimes it all i think about,i pray each day for a better day ,it is bad to think that the man i love dearly would be better off dead,can he survive another day ,the answer i suppose is yes he will live a long life ,i would love to have the zest to move on but i feel trapped,cos i do love this A a lot,am a fraid i cannot make it on my own .Are there any yes /no answers if my daughter came home with one like him id strangler her would rant and rave bout ruining her life ,wasting it on some A that doesnt give a si$$$$$ why cant i do it to myself ,am i worth the effort,i just want to be happy to be honest,,,,,,,,,,thanks for listening
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
That one cracked me up! Cats being the way they are, I can just picture some drunk yelling at a cat and a cat looking at him like "who do you think you are?"
LOL
L
LOL
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Silverberry1331
So, I guess Buster will be looking forward to something to...cleaning his rear end in peace!
Oh, and when the boy cats clean their privates with that one hind leg up in the air, I refer to that as 'playing the cello'! LMAO!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
How has my life changed let's see
I have peace, I no longer worry and wonder what my xab does (this used to take up most of my time)
I wake up in the morning and the only thing I have to worry about is which colour knickers shall i wear
Im still broke but if i was still with my a i would be extremely broke
I used to hate paydays, (oh no how much will he drink tonight and the next two days and nights) these days i love paydays it means i get to buy something nice for me and the kids .
I dont have to lie anymore (priceless)
Been able to take me and the girls for a holiday in Italy
And finally the best thing of all is gaining knowledge about alcoholism and codependance and knowing I WILL NEVER EVER PUT MYSELF IN HELL AGAIN.
Life is sweet
Mairxxxx
I have peace, I no longer worry and wonder what my xab does (this used to take up most of my time)
I wake up in the morning and the only thing I have to worry about is which colour knickers shall i wear
Im still broke but if i was still with my a i would be extremely broke
I used to hate paydays, (oh no how much will he drink tonight and the next two days and nights) these days i love paydays it means i get to buy something nice for me and the kids .
I dont have to lie anymore (priceless)
Been able to take me and the girls for a holiday in Italy
And finally the best thing of all is gaining knowledge about alcoholism and codependance and knowing I WILL NEVER EVER PUT MYSELF IN HELL AGAIN.
Life is sweet
Mairxxxx
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
So, I guess Buster will be looking forward to something to...cleaning his rear end in peace!
That gave me a good laugh. My cousin says men are like dogs & women like cats. A dog slurps & gets his food all over the place. A cat eats nice & cleans up afterwards.
I went thru most of the above & mentally went, yep, that one, ugh, I rem that...
For me
I can pay a bill with out thinking... If I pay it on time, I won't have enough $$$ in bank (& get a $30 overdraft fee) or I can wait till payday, but then it could be late (& I get a $30 late fee). Or sometimes I would pay one credit card with another card. That generally cost $15, to do that. During that time I had so much money in fees, I screamed, but he just didn't get it!???
So I have a lot more money now. At first, I would sleep in alot (still do), but would wake up then & think, do I have to be any where, does my car work? If both no, I happily went back to sleep.
Just wait & see, you're going to love it.
2
That gave me a good laugh. My cousin says men are like dogs & women like cats. A dog slurps & gets his food all over the place. A cat eats nice & cleans up afterwards.
I went thru most of the above & mentally went, yep, that one, ugh, I rem that...
For me
I can pay a bill with out thinking... If I pay it on time, I won't have enough $$$ in bank (& get a $30 overdraft fee) or I can wait till payday, but then it could be late (& I get a $30 late fee). Or sometimes I would pay one credit card with another card. That generally cost $15, to do that. During that time I had so much money in fees, I screamed, but he just didn't get it!???
So I have a lot more money now. At first, I would sleep in alot (still do), but would wake up then & think, do I have to be any where, does my car work? If both no, I happily went back to sleep.
Just wait & see, you're going to love it.
2
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