I Feel So Guilty
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 73
I Feel So Guilty My XABF started calling me again yesterday afternoon. I answered the phone and 'tried' talking to him, but as you all know, it can be like talking to air sometimes. He went to one AA meeting and thinks he now deserves a medal or something, and that I should really start 'forgiving and forgetting' now. I won't even go into how ridiculous that sounds to me. In our conversations though, I've stayed strong, I haven't caved, I kept reminding myself that his words were just 'quacking'...blah, blah, blah. But, I've also had this nagging feeling of 'why am I even talking to him?' Why can't I just let it go and cut all ties?? What am I so afraid of? So, I'm working my step 3 and ask my HP to help me...whatever that help may turn out to be. I turn it over...
Last night, just before bed, I ask my son a question, he doesn't answer. I ask him again. Still no answer. I get upset and snip at him 'why are you ignoring me? I asked you a question - now please give me an answer. This little 7 year old boy 'screams' at me "I'M THINKING ABOUT IT!" Oh my, oh my! I'm very angry & tell him to go to his room. He goes in there and turns tv on, I go in and turn it off. I tell him that I am disappointed that he yelled at me that way, that he is only 7, and he should never speak to his mom, or any authority figure, that way - it is very disrespectful. His answer is...."Well, you and W (XABF) yell at each other all the time".
Oh God, I think, he's right. How do I justify that? I calmly sit down and talk to him and try to draw the fine line between yes we yell and each other, and it is not right, but no matter what we do, I never want to hear him screaming or showing that kind of disrespect to another adult again. I apologized to him for all the yelling that has been going on and tell him that I shouldn't be screaming at anyone either.
I left him to get changed for bed and when I went back in his room, he was crying uncontrollably. I ask him what's wrong and he says....'you're going to send me to Juvie". WHAT!! I'm screamining inside my head? Where did he get this from and how does he even know about juvie? He's 7!! I'm guessing he heard about 'juvie' from kids at school, but when I ask him why he would EVER think I would send him there he says, "you tell W that if he keeps drinking he'll go to jail (from a DUI), so maybe if I keep screaming you'll send me to juvie". OMG!! My heart just broke into pieces. My son is traumatized and scared and it's ALL MY FAULT! I thought I was shielding him better. I really didn't realize how much he has heard & picked up.
I had a talk with him, explained to him what Juvenile (sp?) Hall really was and what a person had to do to get sent there. I also had a talk with him about alcoholism. I thought, what do I have to lose now? He's heard it all - I might as well explain to him that it is a disease W has, that W is sick, and that my son has done NOTHING wrong and that I would NEVER send him anywhere. I told him that I loved him with all of my heart and that I was so sorry for all the things he's witnessed and heard.
Well, that was what I needed I guess. A wake up call from my HP. I've been so selfish worrying about me and my feelings and haven't even begun to realize how much this has all affected my son. XABF called me a short while ago. I told him that I do not want him to call me anymore, that I do not want to talk to him and that we are not going to be 'buddies' now. I told him that I care about him, I wish him all the best and that I will continue to pray for his recovery. But, right now I have to get me and my son healthy and that I could not do that with him in my life.
I'm sorry this is so very long. I just feel so bad and so damn GUILTY. I just hope and pray that without the A in my life BOTH me and my son can heal now. I pray this doesn't have any lasting effects on him, and that each day without W here, my son trusts me more and get less and less afraid.
Last night, just before bed, I ask my son a question, he doesn't answer. I ask him again. Still no answer. I get upset and snip at him 'why are you ignoring me? I asked you a question - now please give me an answer. This little 7 year old boy 'screams' at me "I'M THINKING ABOUT IT!" Oh my, oh my! I'm very angry & tell him to go to his room. He goes in there and turns tv on, I go in and turn it off. I tell him that I am disappointed that he yelled at me that way, that he is only 7, and he should never speak to his mom, or any authority figure, that way - it is very disrespectful. His answer is...."Well, you and W (XABF) yell at each other all the time".
Oh God, I think, he's right. How do I justify that? I calmly sit down and talk to him and try to draw the fine line between yes we yell and each other, and it is not right, but no matter what we do, I never want to hear him screaming or showing that kind of disrespect to another adult again. I apologized to him for all the yelling that has been going on and tell him that I shouldn't be screaming at anyone either.
I left him to get changed for bed and when I went back in his room, he was crying uncontrollably. I ask him what's wrong and he says....'you're going to send me to Juvie". WHAT!! I'm screamining inside my head? Where did he get this from and how does he even know about juvie? He's 7!! I'm guessing he heard about 'juvie' from kids at school, but when I ask him why he would EVER think I would send him there he says, "you tell W that if he keeps drinking he'll go to jail (from a DUI), so maybe if I keep screaming you'll send me to juvie". OMG!! My heart just broke into pieces. My son is traumatized and scared and it's ALL MY FAULT! I thought I was shielding him better. I really didn't realize how much he has heard & picked up.
I had a talk with him, explained to him what Juvenile (sp?) Hall really was and what a person had to do to get sent there. I also had a talk with him about alcoholism. I thought, what do I have to lose now? He's heard it all - I might as well explain to him that it is a disease W has, that W is sick, and that my son has done NOTHING wrong and that I would NEVER send him anywhere. I told him that I loved him with all of my heart and that I was so sorry for all the things he's witnessed and heard.
Well, that was what I needed I guess. A wake up call from my HP. I've been so selfish worrying about me and my feelings and haven't even begun to realize how much this has all affected my son. XABF called me a short while ago. I told him that I do not want him to call me anymore, that I do not want to talk to him and that we are not going to be 'buddies' now. I told him that I care about him, I wish him all the best and that I will continue to pray for his recovery. But, right now I have to get me and my son healthy and that I could not do that with him in my life.
I'm sorry this is so very long. I just feel so bad and so damn GUILTY. I just hope and pray that without the A in my life BOTH me and my son can heal now. I pray this doesn't have any lasting effects on him, and that each day without W here, my son trusts me more and get less and less afraid.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Oh, tormented, I know how you've gotta be feeling. What a traumatic conversation to have. But take a step back, dry your tears, and look: How else could you have learned this lesson? If your HP had not packaged this in such a traumatic package, do you think you would've listened?
You should be proud of yourself for your reactions, both to your X and to your son. Yes, it's bad that he was exposed to this relationship, but it's bad that YOU were exposed to it too....look at all the damage that was done that you're now painstakingly repairing.
Maybe, if you choose recovery, you can start healing together.
You are wise to shut off contact with W. Many here have been hinting at that of course
but you were not yet ready to listen. Maybe your son has gotten through to the wise place inside you. You both deserve better - much, much better. And you will find it.
What a little champ he is! Hugs to your son, whose honesty has made such a big change in you.
You should be proud of yourself for your reactions, both to your X and to your son. Yes, it's bad that he was exposed to this relationship, but it's bad that YOU were exposed to it too....look at all the damage that was done that you're now painstakingly repairing.
Maybe, if you choose recovery, you can start healing together.
You are wise to shut off contact with W. Many here have been hinting at that of course
but you were not yet ready to listen. Maybe your son has gotten through to the wise place inside you. You both deserve better - much, much better. And you will find it.What a little champ he is! Hugs to your son, whose honesty has made such a big change in you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: West Reading, PA
Posts: 17
It's amazing how we get all wrapped up in what's going on with us that we forget about the little eyes and ears that see things and hear things...and even if they SEEM ok and don't say anything they are still taking it all in.
Then one day, out of the blue, BAM! it comes out.
We (as parents) have to realize that what happens to us isn't just to us...we are a 'we' now...we are role models for these little people that we brought into this world. Our sons learn to be the kind of men they're going to be by the men they see...our sons are going to think that's how you treat woman because that's what "daddy' did and our daughters are going to grow up to think that that type of behavior is ok...that they must take it because that's what 'mommy' did.
I often say that kids are better off with one happy parent then two miserable ones...I HoNESTLY believe that.
I am not perfect. I've made some stupid choices in this life (especially lately) but it's nothing that can't be undone.
You made the right decision and you handled the situation nicely. Your son is so young. As long as they feel loved and wanted everything else will fall into place. Nobody says it'll be easy 24/7 but you're doing good!!
Take Care!!
Kelly
Then one day, out of the blue, BAM! it comes out.
We (as parents) have to realize that what happens to us isn't just to us...we are a 'we' now...we are role models for these little people that we brought into this world. Our sons learn to be the kind of men they're going to be by the men they see...our sons are going to think that's how you treat woman because that's what "daddy' did and our daughters are going to grow up to think that that type of behavior is ok...that they must take it because that's what 'mommy' did.
I often say that kids are better off with one happy parent then two miserable ones...I HoNESTLY believe that.
I am not perfect. I've made some stupid choices in this life (especially lately) but it's nothing that can't be undone.
You made the right decision and you handled the situation nicely. Your son is so young. As long as they feel loved and wanted everything else will fall into place. Nobody says it'll be easy 24/7 but you're doing good!!
Take Care!!
Kelly
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I think somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that the life my kids were living was damaging to them. But, I continued on, thinking I could somehow change things, make it right.
It wasn't until after I removed myself and them from the madness that the trauma they had lived through started to come out. I got a therapist and got them into therapy, too. It was the best move I ever made. Although the trauma cannot be undone, they are changing and growing in healthy ways. I sometimes regret what I put them through in their early childhood, but I am ever so grateful to have broken the pattern, even when I did.
The past cannot be undone, but the future has yet to be created. Keep up the good work!
L
It wasn't until after I removed myself and them from the madness that the trauma they had lived through started to come out. I got a therapist and got them into therapy, too. It was the best move I ever made. Although the trauma cannot be undone, they are changing and growing in healthy ways. I sometimes regret what I put them through in their early childhood, but I am ever so grateful to have broken the pattern, even when I did.
The past cannot be undone, but the future has yet to be created. Keep up the good work!
L
Always Hopeful
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: californication
Posts: 50
I think you need to avoid ALL contact with your ex. Contact with the EX only brings about pain, sadness and ultimately, it sets you back. I was doing fine, until I decided to look at his myspace page and then I was set back. I am making a firm effort to not look at it because I accomplish nothing by doing that. It made me upset, I cried, I relapsed. Stay away from him completely. After all, out of sight....out of mind. Good Luck
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
I just wanted to reiterate what kelly381 said.....about little eyes and ears....oh, I know, I don't have kids so what do I know.....well, I was a kid once....doesn't that count for anything.... (o:
Anyway, what I have to say isn't so much suggestions as it is a reminder, even to myself.....we, as adults, often don't give children enough credit; after all they're just short people, eh...They see and hear things, and even if they don't understand, they're great little sponges, and they store away for a rainy day.....
What you wrote about your convo with your son reminded me of one of my favorite country songs by rodney atkins.....:
Watching You lyrics
Driving through town just my boy and me
With a happy meal in his booster seat
Knowing that he couldn't have the toy
Till his nuggets were gone
Green traffic light turned straight to red
I hit my breaks and mumbled under my breath
His fries went a flying and his orange drink covered his lap
Well then my four year old said a four letter word
That started with "s" and I was concerned
So I said son now now where did you learn to talk like that
[Chorus one]
He said I've been watching you dad, ain't that cool
I'm your buckaroo, I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
We got cowboy boots and camo pants
Yeah we're just alike, hey ain't we dad
I wanna do everything you do
So I've been watching you
We got back home and I went to the barn
I bowed my head and I prayed real hard
Said lord please help me help my stupid self
Then this side of bedtime later that night
Turning on my son's scooby doo nightlight
He crawled out of bed and he got down on his knees
He closed his little eyes, folded his little hands
And spoke to god like he was talking to a friend
And I said son now where'd you learn to pray like that
[Chorus two]
He said I've been watching you dad, ain't that cool
I'm your buckaroo, I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
We like fixing things and holding mama's hand
Yeah we're just alike, hey ain't we dad
I wanna do everything you do
So I've been watching you
[Bridge]
With tears in my eyes I wrapped him in a hug
Said my little bear is growing up
He said but when I'm big I'll still know what to do
[Chorus three]
Cause I've been watching you dad, ain't that cool
I'm your buckaroo, I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
By then I'll be as strong as superman
We'll be just alike, hey won't we dad
When I can do everything you do
Cause I've been watching you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sooooo.....to all us big people out there......remember.....there are lots of little eyes and ears out there too................ (o:
NoelleR
Anyway, what I have to say isn't so much suggestions as it is a reminder, even to myself.....we, as adults, often don't give children enough credit; after all they're just short people, eh...They see and hear things, and even if they don't understand, they're great little sponges, and they store away for a rainy day.....
What you wrote about your convo with your son reminded me of one of my favorite country songs by rodney atkins.....:
Watching You lyrics
Driving through town just my boy and me
With a happy meal in his booster seat
Knowing that he couldn't have the toy
Till his nuggets were gone
Green traffic light turned straight to red
I hit my breaks and mumbled under my breath
His fries went a flying and his orange drink covered his lap
Well then my four year old said a four letter word
That started with "s" and I was concerned
So I said son now now where did you learn to talk like that
[Chorus one]
He said I've been watching you dad, ain't that cool
I'm your buckaroo, I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
We got cowboy boots and camo pants
Yeah we're just alike, hey ain't we dad
I wanna do everything you do
So I've been watching you
We got back home and I went to the barn
I bowed my head and I prayed real hard
Said lord please help me help my stupid self
Then this side of bedtime later that night
Turning on my son's scooby doo nightlight
He crawled out of bed and he got down on his knees
He closed his little eyes, folded his little hands
And spoke to god like he was talking to a friend
And I said son now where'd you learn to pray like that
[Chorus two]
He said I've been watching you dad, ain't that cool
I'm your buckaroo, I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
We like fixing things and holding mama's hand
Yeah we're just alike, hey ain't we dad
I wanna do everything you do
So I've been watching you
[Bridge]
With tears in my eyes I wrapped him in a hug
Said my little bear is growing up
He said but when I'm big I'll still know what to do
[Chorus three]
Cause I've been watching you dad, ain't that cool
I'm your buckaroo, I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
By then I'll be as strong as superman
We'll be just alike, hey won't we dad
When I can do everything you do
Cause I've been watching you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sooooo.....to all us big people out there......remember.....there are lots of little eyes and ears out there too................ (o:
NoelleR
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
What a little champ he is! Hugs to your son, whose honesty has made such a big change in you.
I know I should have cut all contact off immediately when I broke up w/W last week - it's just so HARD. I know that sounds crazy considering the chaos, drama and hurt he has created for my son and I, but it's true - it's HARD. I'm just continuing to do things to keep me busy, and coming on here to read through the posts helps alot too. Baby steps...I'm taking them and healing a little piece of me w/each step I take.
PS - Noelle, I'm a huge country music fan and LOVE that song - thank you for reminding me to pay attention to what the lyrics actually say.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My oldest AD suffered tremendously when I was with the AH. My youngest, who was born into the second year of my recovery from my own addictions, has also suffered because I continued the same pattern over with unhealthy relationships until 9 years ago.
It was seeing the pain in both of my AD's eyes, AND in my granddaughter's eyes when the ex-fiance walked out that I finally realized it wasn't all about me, and others had suffered too from my choices.
It sounds like this was a light bulb moment for you too! Hugs to you and your son!
It was seeing the pain in both of my AD's eyes, AND in my granddaughter's eyes when the ex-fiance walked out that I finally realized it wasn't all about me, and others had suffered too from my choices.
It sounds like this was a light bulb moment for you too! Hugs to you and your son!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
I too was wrapped up with my xab when we first split up and kept going back and forth, always arguing, being upset and angry all the time. I never realised how much it affected my daughters especially my 16 year old. Who eventually screamed at me to stop the madness, it was the first time she had ever screamed at me that way, and it shook me up big style.
It felt like a slap across the face, a real wake up call. Not only did I put up with my xab actions and lies of cancer bla bla they did too. It had to stop there and then. And it did. Dont feel guilty, just be a Mom and protect him with all youve got.
Mair xx
It felt like a slap across the face, a real wake up call. Not only did I put up with my xab actions and lies of cancer bla bla they did too. It had to stop there and then. And it did. Dont feel guilty, just be a Mom and protect him with all youve got.
Mair xx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Very early on my therapist said something that I only today, 2-1/2 years later truly appreciate and understand - doing the right thing IS hard. I was hurting enough to take direction and I did the hard things - no contact, etc. - which all this time later proved to be the right thing. It also gave me something else - learning to trust that there are those who have my best interests at heart, even when they seem to be telling me to cause myself pain.
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