KELS1961

I had wrote that I had kicked my b/f out.
He called today and needed some food so I went and bought him food.
He paid me back which he always does.
He was pretty drunk and said he was getting to old for this and he missed his home and all. It was just him and I and out dog and cat which we both treat like kids.
I said Tom you can have all that back if you go to the 6 month treatment center for help.
He said I could lie to you but I will not the answer is no it is not going to happen. I said I thiught you loved me and our pets we were a family he just hugged me and said nothing. I just walked off and left.
I did the hard part he is gone but I am really having a hard time I can not stop crying I want the sober Tom back I am so furious. I know that he loves me but if he loves me why will he not do this for me and himself.
Just because he is a drunk I just cannot stop loving him.
I hate alcholic just hate it. And I always always hook up with men who drink I do not know why and all it has done is brought me grief and trouble.
I am having trouble letting go. I said to tom I need to start getting on with my life I wanted him to say so badley to say Kelly I want to be a part of your life we will work together on getting me sober but all he said is you are probley right. i will still check on him now and then like I said his health is not good but he seems to be quite content living where he is.
My heart feels shatterd. I just had to vent.
Thanks Kelli,,,,

prodigal

He does not love himself enough to do it. Nobody can get sober for you. The A has to get sober for himself. That's the only way. He has been honest with you and told you he does not want to get sober.

You cannot get him sober, but you can begin to explore why you continue in this pattern. You have endured a lot of "grief and trouble." Although you cannot save him, you can get into therapy, attend Al-Anon, post here. You deserve more out of life than sadness and heartache.

Rella927

Kels sorry that you are going through this right now...

When I kicked my XABF out and then continued to see him over and over again it was creating chaos for me-I cried, I second guessed what I did-and then one day I said enough is enough! With guidance from my counselor I decided that keeping myself
in denial was no longer healthy for me.

When I went to Al-Anon and started loggin on to SR-I did these things looking for answers to cure him and his drinking-what I found is that I stayed in Al-Anon and keep loggin on to SR for ME!

We cannot control what other people do in life so for sure we cannot control those who drink. Really not much difference there! The only thing we can control is ourselves and change can only be done if we want it done. Change is something I decided to do because I kept doing the same thing over and over, dating the same type of guys, loosing friends, creating chaos at my jobs-etc. When I changed and became a healthy, happier, more serene person things started to change around me in my life and today things are still changing!

Recovery has taught me to focus on ME not on others. I cannot live trying to change, control or fix anyone but myself.

Hope you consider an Al-Anon meeting or two or 20!

Kels you are not alone please keep posting!

hellma

Kelli, I think it is very good that he is being honest with you. That gives you a chance to face reality and start working on your own recovery sooner.
For the longest time, my ASO would tell me he would go to rehab and that always got my hopes up. In the end, he never went to rehab and his drinking got even worse, so in a way I wish I would have known right from the start that was not going to happen as I would have saved myself a lot of time and heartache.

ghug3

kermit

he's not ready

justanothrdrunk

One of the toughest decisions I ever made was to go into treatment. And once I made that decision, once I decided that I really needed help, I wondered why it was so hard to come to that conclusion sooner.

YellowRed

Hang in there. You were right to set a boundary by placing a time on how long you'd want to see him in recovery. He is not ready to accept he needs to (or doesn't want to) get help. In those circumstances it's really difficult to force someone into rehab. I forced my AH into rehab on an ultimatum - he spent a month there but resented me bitterly for it and went right back to drinking as soon as he came out of rehab. All you can do is look after yourself. Maybe leave him some literature or leaflets about AA or similar programs around - even if left about, even if they don't want to admit they need help; they usually do read the stuff.... you never know. Ultimately, you need to take care of yourself (and the dog and cat) - he doesn't sound like he's going to! Focus on yourself and try to stay calm - you have made a tough decision and it's only your loving heart that is tearing you up by seeing him destroy himself in this way. Big hugs.

laurie6781

It's been answered above.

He's not ready.

However, I have to ask why on earth you would take him food? He manages to find money for his booze he can find money for food. Bringing him food is continuing to enable him. I might also add that it was a 'manipulation technique' on his part to see if you would still 'jump' if he called.

How about trying some Alanon meetings for YOU instead? Sad to say but YOU

didn't CAUSE this,

can't CONTROL this, and

can't CURE this.

Alanon can really help you!!!!!

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we really do care.

Love and hugs,

Live

When he told you that yeah, you had better move on with your life...he told you the truth about reality with him.
Heartbreaking, but actually a kindness to you to have told you the truth about what you can expect.

Hugs,
live

scorpiogirl

Quote:

Originally Posted by KELS1961

He called today and needed some food so I went and bought him food. He paid me back which he always does.

Manipulation on his part and you took the bait.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KELS1961

I said Tom you can have all that back if you go to the 6 month treatment center for help.

We don't make "deals" with anyone in active addiction. It doesn't work. Kelly, you are powerless over alcohol, powerless over his wanting to be sober and powerless if he goes into treatment or not; yet, you are not powerless over how you respond. Go get some help for yourself to find out why you keep choosing alcholics and what you part is. Learn about YOU. Who's life are you going to live, yours or his? (or another alcoholics dramatic life?) Step into your life and quit focusing on someone to fix. I've been where you're at and I thew myself into Co-Dependents Anonymous.

Tally

Addiction is not about us. We can't control them or how and when they use. That's prolly why it's so infuriating, we have no control over it or them and we near kill ourselves trying to control it. Well, we can't.

You're lucky in the respect that he's being honest with you and telling you he isn't ready to stop.

Learning how

Kel, I spent a lot of time trying to understand what was going on with my husband. I don't think it is possable to understand an active drinker. They are not making decisions from a healthy place.
I once drove to town in response to a frantic call that he had locked his keys in the pickup when at the gas station, could I come and unlock his pickup. This is about a 15 mile trip each way. When I arrived he was drinking one of those huge beers. The pickup was not at the pump. He tells me, he never gets gas at this station but the one down the road, he stoped at this one because its the closest to his work for his beer. I was so mad. I had been used. If I had been told that I locked my self out of the pick up here while buying beer I would never have come to get him. The manipulation was unreal.

Rainbowsend

It may be better for you that he is at least being honest that he doesn't want to go, false hope can be very painful.

Rehab isn't always the answer either. I hoped it would be a magic wand and make everything better and pinned all my hopes and dreams on it working, but the truth is there are many people it doesn't work for and others that need repeated attempts.

I don't want to sound negative as this is the only experience of rehab I have but of the many people that were in with my exAB there are only a handfull that have managed to stay clean/dry and we are only talking about 7 months here.

I'm not a gambler but having an idea of the "odds" may have been beneficial as it would probably have been better for both of us if I'd left him before he went in.

Spiritual Seeker

Sorry for the loss of a relationship.
Grieve it, then let the pain be the motivation for change.
Learn all you can about your own "stuff" so that you can be attracted to a man that is
available. When you get healthy you will be attracted to healthy.
You can't coax him to treatment, but you can do it for yourself.

cagefree

I've always said that I wished XABF had done it that way - instead of trying to regain my trust to maintain his fantasy world of pretending to recover to get me back so he could relapse again - only to throw me out over and over...

Later on, I realized that I had known the truth all along, shush-ing it the whole time - and if I was then who I am now - I wouldn't have waited around for him to tell me the truth - I would have loved myself enough to leave the addict and get on with my life.

Just my experience...

This is a tough time for you - be gentle and forgiving with yourself