Lizziesd

I've learned from my experience with my xab. I don't ever want to repeat it. I find myself, now that I am dating, being extremely cautious because of my fear to repeat my pattern. How to spot for an alcoholic? It's hard because we live in a culture that endorses drinking to have fun. I drink as well. Although, I am truly a social drinker and only drink when I am out with friends and never to the point of passing out. It is because of that reason, that I find it difficult to be able to tell a social drinker like me from someone that drinks excessively like my XAB. From your experiences, is there a way I can tell? Are there any questions I can ask? I guess I can flat out ask, How often do you drink and how much?

LaTeeDa

I suppose with all the collective experience on this board we could come up with some sort of a checklist of items for spotting an alcoholic. But, even with that checklist in hand, I could still end up with a crack addict, compulsive gambler, or an abuser.

My therapist told me that it's about trusting yourself. It took me quite a while to understand that. For me, it comes down to knowing myself, what's unacceptable to me in terms of behavior, and what my boundaries are. The clearer I get about what I want and don't want in my life, the more confident I am that I will not find myself in another unhealthy relationship. I still come in contact with unhealthy people, but I don't get involved with them beyond the acquaintance stage.

L

rudeawakening

It isn't all that hard.

Can you just have one drink and walk away ?
Can you have a drink and switch to soda ?
Can you walk into a bar or social event and just drink a soda ?
Can you do anything without a alcoholic drink of any type ?
Do you have to have a drink in order to have a good time ?
Do you have to "HAVE" a drink when something is bothering you or your upset ?

just some questions...

cyclelady

My AH Would tell you the correct answer to every question on the list. Of course the A can "control" this behavior so of course the answers will be "right". (lie, lie, lie) JMO about questioning. To me it would be more of a watch and see. You would need to be aware of the situation and view how the person is in social settings. Just going to dinner should be a sign. My AH can drink NA all day long but then take him to dinner and of course he enjoyed those 3 beers in the hour it took us to eat when I enjoyed my ice tea. HMMMMMMMM Just paying attention helps!!

freya

Well I suppose you could "flat-out ask," but why would you? I mean, an actually active alcoholic will lie to you as easliy as he/she breathes -- more easliy maybe.

What I personally would find more effective is spending some time with a person and "listening" to what he/she does rather than what he/she says and to how I feel when I'm with him/her and then making decisions as to how deep and how far I'm going to go with the person based on that.

freya

lizw

I believe knowing this information would only be half the solution.
For me it is more about having boundaries (to keep myself safe) and not buying into the 'quick fix' romances.....

hbb

I agree with the above, i've been out on a few dates since J and its the first thing i notice right off the bat! If i think there is even an inkling of a problem i'm gone!

Like Freya said, they lie. My ex only drank at home or at the Legion club. When we went out he had one or 2 and "appeared" to be a social drinker. I think it's the actions as well as instinct. But you could also end up with another problem all together.

It's hard work, but as you say, i NEVER want to go down this road ever again.

mamaplus2kids

I guess there are different red flags that would show up at different stages of a relationship. Check out the "red flags" sticky. There are some good ones... I think that if he seems to have his life in order, or if he can go out to dinner or to a party and not drink more than the legal limit to drive a car, then I think those are some pretty positive signs. I would love to find a guy who only drinks 1-2 glasses of wine at dinner and that's it, someone who can take it or leave it.

steve11694

Practitioners of Alcoholism, or "Alcoholics", can be easily identified by the following characteristics:

* Incomprehensible speech (from achieving divine intelligence)
* Uncoordinated movement (from having shed most ties to the earthly realm)
* Dirty, unkempt appearance (to cover their otherwise blinding sexiness)
* Brown paper bags (to minimize their contact with glass, the antithesis of aluminium)
* Jaundice

snippet from

Alcoholism - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Gertiegirl

Just an added note - My alcohol counsellor once told me that a sure fire way to spot an alcoholic active and lying about it is with two methods, 1/ Do they always seem to have gum or mints (can be misleading if also a smoker though) and 2/ Shaking hands by mid afternoon/early evening. Thats for a chronic abuser though...

Rainbowgirl128

if you are in an alcoholic's life for a significant period of time you will know. something will happen. some drunken debacle that he/she probably wont remember. you'll know because social drinkers dont get to that point usually.

jillybean

My ABF could do all these

Can you just have one drink and walk away ?
Can you have a drink and switch to soda ?
Can you walk into a bar or social event and just drink a soda ?
Can you do anything without a alcoholic drink of any type ?
Do you have to have a drink in order to have a good time ?


But THIS was always true with him.

Do you have to "HAVE" a drink when something is bothering you or your upset ?

The quacking is always there in one form or another.

BohemiMamaof3

I agree with the above, and if you take any relationship slow and on more of a friends level for a substantial amount of time, it can help. I find that people who have one type of issue or another seem to want to rush into things rather than wait and really get to know someone, in general anyway. Then trust your instinct if there are red flags or something makes you uncomfortable. Don't expain it away or excuse it.

Rainbowsend

I would hope that by coming here, reading so much and being aware of how far the harm alcoholism causes reaches we would all avoid a "repeat performance".

Many posters here (myself included) seem far more sensitive with regard to alcohol consumption, I see alcoholics everywhere where as before I would have been oblivious

coyote21

Me too...they're everywhere! My 7yo DD can pick 'em out.

Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug2
Coyote

P.S. I think it's a good thing...awareness.