Confused
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 14
Confused
Hi,
I am new here, but after reading a few of the threads I feel like I am right at home.
My ASO and I have been separated for 6 weeks now after his drinking got completely out of control and I decided that staying with him is worse than being away...especially for our baby daughter who was surrounded by madness and us arguing every night. Although I still feel very sad at times and miss the good times which were few and far between, our home environment is now normal and I am a better mom to my daughter as I am no longer consumed with her dad's drinking problem all the time.
6 weeks later he drinks even more than he used to when we were together and has also admits to doing cocaine a few times in the last 40 days. He rarely sees our daughter who is now 9 months old. We still keep in touch and I still have feelings for him yet the hope that he will ever recover has slowly started to fade away. He has now admitted to his problem and has made some lame attempts to get better (like going to AA twice in 2 months and coming with me to see my counselor for a couples' session where he admitted to his problem). He also talks about getting better and recoverya all the time, yet he has not made any real steps to get better and there he has not followed up on anything he's said he wants to do to get better. I trully believe he is tired of his way of life, but the fact that he has not done anything about it speaks for itself. I have compassion for him yet I am very angry for having my daughter grow up without the father she deserves because her father "loves her so much and wants to be with her", but somehow never makes it when it comes to coming over and visiting with her. My daughter has been sick the last few days and he has not come to see her once although he asks about her over text messages. His desease has turned him into a selfish disfunctional and weak person who has no control over his own life and it is very sad to watch him slowly kill himself.
My problem is that I do not know where to draw the line. Granted he does not come to see his daughter, should I even respond to his text messages? He asked about her again this morning and then started complaining because he is now starting to feel sick too. He is just hunting for attention again and, ss much as I know about alcoholism, t is still amazing to me how selfish he can be. I responded to his text message and told him our daughter was doing better and that I hope he feels better and left it at that. Should have I done that? Does he deserve to be updated on our daughter's well being granted he rarely comes to see her? And of course, if I do not respond, he will blame me for not seeing her although he knows he is always welcome to stop by and spend time with her as long as he is sober. I am so confused again.
I am new here, but after reading a few of the threads I feel like I am right at home.
My ASO and I have been separated for 6 weeks now after his drinking got completely out of control and I decided that staying with him is worse than being away...especially for our baby daughter who was surrounded by madness and us arguing every night. Although I still feel very sad at times and miss the good times which were few and far between, our home environment is now normal and I am a better mom to my daughter as I am no longer consumed with her dad's drinking problem all the time.
6 weeks later he drinks even more than he used to when we were together and has also admits to doing cocaine a few times in the last 40 days. He rarely sees our daughter who is now 9 months old. We still keep in touch and I still have feelings for him yet the hope that he will ever recover has slowly started to fade away. He has now admitted to his problem and has made some lame attempts to get better (like going to AA twice in 2 months and coming with me to see my counselor for a couples' session where he admitted to his problem). He also talks about getting better and recoverya all the time, yet he has not made any real steps to get better and there he has not followed up on anything he's said he wants to do to get better. I trully believe he is tired of his way of life, but the fact that he has not done anything about it speaks for itself. I have compassion for him yet I am very angry for having my daughter grow up without the father she deserves because her father "loves her so much and wants to be with her", but somehow never makes it when it comes to coming over and visiting with her. My daughter has been sick the last few days and he has not come to see her once although he asks about her over text messages. His desease has turned him into a selfish disfunctional and weak person who has no control over his own life and it is very sad to watch him slowly kill himself.
My problem is that I do not know where to draw the line. Granted he does not come to see his daughter, should I even respond to his text messages? He asked about her again this morning and then started complaining because he is now starting to feel sick too. He is just hunting for attention again and, ss much as I know about alcoholism, t is still amazing to me how selfish he can be. I responded to his text message and told him our daughter was doing better and that I hope he feels better and left it at that. Should have I done that? Does he deserve to be updated on our daughter's well being granted he rarely comes to see her? And of course, if I do not respond, he will blame me for not seeing her although he knows he is always welcome to stop by and spend time with her as long as he is sober. I am so confused again.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Welcome Hellma, SR is a fab place to get the support you need right now. Take a look at the sticky threads at the top of the forum, these parmenant threads hold lots of great information, these really helped open my eyes to alcoholism.
I like you, separated from my A, who was my boyfriend. I have a daughter from another relationship, and he was like a step dad to her. Now that we have split, he never calls to speak to her, said he sent a card for her birthday that never turned up, apparently lost in the post, not a present nada. He has spoken to her maybe twice since we split. He also had two kids of his own to another relationship, and in the last two years we were together, he did not see them. He always blamed his ex for putting a stop to visits, but he never put any effort into getting access.
To me it seems you have two problems. Alcoholism and how it is effecting him, and the fact that he is not being an attentive dad.
Alcoholism will certainly make him less available to her, selfish etc. The A tends to focus on themselves alone, and ignore everyone else. You can lay boundaries, like the one you have about only visiting when he is sober. Boundaries will help ensure your daughter is safe when he visits. As she gets older it may be an idea to ensure the visits are supervised, as you may not be able to ensure his ''sobriety'', (my exabf would still act like a drunk, even when he hadn't drank for a few days).
With my daughters father, he visited her only 4-5 a year for the first 3 years of her life. In the end, I told him he needed to get his priorities in order and spend more time with his child as he was becoming a stranger to her. The next week I got a letter for visitation rights. I took the initiative and went to a solicitor who drafted a letter stipulating terms of visits. He never replied and we never saw him again.
I think its alright to tell him how she is. I would be seriously tempted to text ''If you are concerned about her, you know where she lives'', but that is just me!
Keep posting for support,
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I like you, separated from my A, who was my boyfriend. I have a daughter from another relationship, and he was like a step dad to her. Now that we have split, he never calls to speak to her, said he sent a card for her birthday that never turned up, apparently lost in the post, not a present nada. He has spoken to her maybe twice since we split. He also had two kids of his own to another relationship, and in the last two years we were together, he did not see them. He always blamed his ex for putting a stop to visits, but he never put any effort into getting access.
To me it seems you have two problems. Alcoholism and how it is effecting him, and the fact that he is not being an attentive dad.
Alcoholism will certainly make him less available to her, selfish etc. The A tends to focus on themselves alone, and ignore everyone else. You can lay boundaries, like the one you have about only visiting when he is sober. Boundaries will help ensure your daughter is safe when he visits. As she gets older it may be an idea to ensure the visits are supervised, as you may not be able to ensure his ''sobriety'', (my exabf would still act like a drunk, even when he hadn't drank for a few days).
With my daughters father, he visited her only 4-5 a year for the first 3 years of her life. In the end, I told him he needed to get his priorities in order and spend more time with his child as he was becoming a stranger to her. The next week I got a letter for visitation rights. I took the initiative and went to a solicitor who drafted a letter stipulating terms of visits. He never replied and we never saw him again.
I think its alright to tell him how she is. I would be seriously tempted to text ''If you are concerned about her, you know where she lives'', but that is just me!
Keep posting for support,
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Welcome hellma, Doesn't sound like your confused to me...You sound like you have it all together and know what kind of life you want your daughter to have. Letting him be a part of her life while sober is great. I wish you luck hon and its great to read on here that we have a strong-willed mom that will protect her daughter from the disease of alcoholism. Stay strong, Bonnie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 73
Welcome Hellma!
I agree w/Bonnie above, it doesn't sound like you are confused to me either - you sound like you are doing great! As far as the 'not knowing where to draw the line' thing, I think you should trust your gut and do what makes YOU feel good. One of the biggest things I'm working on in my recovery is making ME happy and peaceful. Do YOU want to respond to his texts? How much information to YOU want to give him??
Trust your instincts and I think you will do just fine!!
Sending you strength & peace.
C
I agree w/Bonnie above, it doesn't sound like you are confused to me either - you sound like you are doing great! As far as the 'not knowing where to draw the line' thing, I think you should trust your gut and do what makes YOU feel good. One of the biggest things I'm working on in my recovery is making ME happy and peaceful. Do YOU want to respond to his texts? How much information to YOU want to give him??
Trust your instincts and I think you will do just fine!!
Sending you strength & peace.
C
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hello and welcome to SR. Pull up a chair and get comfortable hunny. We have all been
where you are today. Its not glorious is it. It is sooo nice to see that there is a young mother out there who knows what she wants and will move the necessary mountains for the her childs best interest. You can click on any of our names to learn our histories and what brought us each here to SR just in case you are interested. I, myself was married to my XAH for 22 years and raised my children in the devastation that that kind of life had to offer. I am glad that its over and still to this day wonder what or where would I be if we were still together. Probably just more of the same crap that went on while we were together. My grown children came to me about a year or so after he left and asked me why I raised them in all that mess. I just shook my head and told them that I thought I was doing the right thing. Well.......it wasn't. He has not contacted our children in over 3 years and thats the way the kids and I like it. Stand Strong and keep all of your boundaries..
It sounds like to me that your ASO....(alcoholic significant other) is quacking pretty good. Which means he talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. We have a saying around here and here is how it goes:
Nuthin changes if nuthin changes.
And here is another one for you:
The 3 C's:
You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it...
See you later sweetie,
Janitw
where you are today. Its not glorious is it. It is sooo nice to see that there is a young mother out there who knows what she wants and will move the necessary mountains for the her childs best interest. You can click on any of our names to learn our histories and what brought us each here to SR just in case you are interested. I, myself was married to my XAH for 22 years and raised my children in the devastation that that kind of life had to offer. I am glad that its over and still to this day wonder what or where would I be if we were still together. Probably just more of the same crap that went on while we were together. My grown children came to me about a year or so after he left and asked me why I raised them in all that mess. I just shook my head and told them that I thought I was doing the right thing. Well.......it wasn't. He has not contacted our children in over 3 years and thats the way the kids and I like it. Stand Strong and keep all of your boundaries..
It sounds like to me that your ASO....(alcoholic significant other) is quacking pretty good. Which means he talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. We have a saying around here and here is how it goes:
Nuthin changes if nuthin changes.
And here is another one for you:
The 3 C's:
You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it...
See you later sweetie,
Janitw
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 14
Thank you all for the nice replies to my message. It is so comforting to know that I am not alone and there are others dealing with the same problems out there.
It has been really hard now that I finally kicked my ASO out, but I do not regret it and I feel very comforted by my daughter's smile every night I get to spend some real time with her and play as opposed to arguing with her dad about his drinking and lack of responsibility. I am glad I have finally set some healthy boundaries. Although it still takes a lot of conscious effort on my side to not let him walk over these boundaries, I hope and believe that it will all get easier and I will get to a point where standing for myself and what my daughter and I need will become effortless.
All your replies helped me be a stronger person today and not get caught up thinking about the "what if's." The last few days have been the first for me when I did not allow all his manipulative quacking to get to me and did not talk to him outside of giving him updates on our daughter's well being when he asked. I still love this man, but like one of my friends says, he is currently no different from a mental patient as alcohol has drenched his brain and he does not think rationally even when he is sober for a day or two.
Thank you all. I am looking forward to reading the other posts out here!
It has been really hard now that I finally kicked my ASO out, but I do not regret it and I feel very comforted by my daughter's smile every night I get to spend some real time with her and play as opposed to arguing with her dad about his drinking and lack of responsibility. I am glad I have finally set some healthy boundaries. Although it still takes a lot of conscious effort on my side to not let him walk over these boundaries, I hope and believe that it will all get easier and I will get to a point where standing for myself and what my daughter and I need will become effortless.
All your replies helped me be a stronger person today and not get caught up thinking about the "what if's." The last few days have been the first for me when I did not allow all his manipulative quacking to get to me and did not talk to him outside of giving him updates on our daughter's well being when he asked. I still love this man, but like one of my friends says, he is currently no different from a mental patient as alcohol has drenched his brain and he does not think rationally even when he is sober for a day or two.
Thank you all. I am looking forward to reading the other posts out here!
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