4gottenagain

First the drugs took him from me -- now his recovery has taken him from me. We finally got my husband into rehab on May 9th. He may stay through next year (it's in patient - but he has weekend visits twice a month). The thing is -- I feel so neglected. He calls once a day to "check in" and there is NOTHING personal about his calls. He's found a new happy life at rehab. And, I'm left out here in reality paying bills, taking care of our daughter (she is 18 months old), working full time, and being lonely. We were seperated for months before he went ot rehab. It was hell on earth. He stole, pawned, lied, yelled, abused. I had to kick him out. Now that he's in rehab - everyone thinks I should be "so happy". I'm not. I feel like he pays NO attention to what he's done to me. We are in marriage counseling and I'm going to bring up how I'm feeling this week. But, he'll just get angry and say "I'm just trying to stay clean".

When he comes home on the weekends it's all about what he wants to do. Which he usually wants to sleep because they work him at the rehab so much. No sex. No intimacy. He says he no longer cares about sex. He's a meth addict and I've read that they lose their sex drive when they stop using. He certainly has. But, I still have needs. When I tell him that it just starts a fight. I feel like he could care less about me.

I feel like nobody understands what "I'm" going through. People either tell me I'm being selfish and wanting too much or I should be happy. I just feel like our marriage is over. Now that he's clean I thought he would come around and want to make amends with me, be with me, be close to me. But, he's farther away.

lightseeker

I'm sorry for your situation and can definitely understand your pain. Have you tried Naranon meetings? If there are none in your area then you might want to check into Alanon. Addiction changes everything and so does recovery. Recovery can be just as hard but only in a different way. I know that the most important thing that I did my RAH's 1st year in recovery was to work on me. Our relationship was essentially put on hold for that 1st year and all he did was concentrate on his sobriety. There was no guarantee that the two of us would even be people that liked one another in sobriety...I at least wanted to become a better person.

I understand not being happy because it is one tough road to be with someone that has an addiction.....they will be dealing with it for the rest of their life. It is a selfish disease and has to be selfish recovery. As time goes on, recovery does help you to have the tools to live life on life's terms. Remember, the substance is but a symptom. The real sickness is one of the soul. It takes a whole lot of work to deal with that.

If you can get to some meetings you will find people that understand how you feel. Most people don't have any clue of how difficult the whole situation is.

There are a whole lot of steps that come before the amends step....even then, it's not a guarantee that we will get what we want out of them. My life is littered with addicts and I've yet to find one that actually was able to "make it better" for me through their amends. I appreciate their efforts but none of them lived up to what I would have expected. My expectations in that area led me to having a lot of resentments.

You have yourself and a baby to think about - take care of you!

lizw

The way you are feeling is so normal, the people who wrote the Big Book of alcoholics anonymous wrote a whole chapter about it!! It's called 'to wives'. It details everything you've posted.

Have you sought any type of recovery for yourself as the above post mentioned? Doing so would probably give you some comfort.

Take it easy.

rozied

Of course it doesn't seem fair. You are left to take care of everything & it seems like he is away being taken care of.
AS I understand it recovery is very hard work. As everyone here said try & get yourself to a mtg so you have others in the same boat to talk to.

liesagain

4gotten, so sorry you are going thru this and that you are feeling left out. I have been where you are and its not a good place to be.

and as someone else said there is a whole chapter in the AA big book that is "to the wifes" it talks about how we wait so long for them to get "better" then find ourselves more alone----

way back at the start of AA they saw that the effects of alcoholism/addiction had effects on the family even after the addict/alcoholic gets clean...............

its recommended that you seek recovery for yourself----maybe find some Al-anon, Coda, or nar anon meetings for yourself.

In the mean time, Melody Bettie's book co- dependant no more is a great book.............

hang in there, and WELCOME to SR.

hope213

welcome to S.R. i can understand what you are going thru even tho the addict in my life is my son. you think he is clean & he should want to be with you. in time maybe he will. right now IS his time. i am sure you think getting high was his time & it was. you stuck by him in the "using" times of him not being there. i am sure he was out of work, stole from you, & took whole pay checks to get high on. he has GOT to put himself & his recovery first in order for him to get better. when he gets out of rehab it SHOULD be the same thing. it takes alot of work to get clean & stay clean. this will be for the rest of his life. there is no cure for addiction.it is a one day at a time program.things will get better in time. right now focus on yourself,get a program in your life. find a meeting to go to,get a sponsor.if this is truely his time to get cllean it will be worth it all. i am sorry for your pain.keep coming back, we care. prayers,

4gottenagain

Thanks everyone. We are in marriage counseling. Our marriage/relationship is just not on his radar right now. I feel bad even wanting it to be because he was on the verge of death when he went to rehab (IV meth user). But, I have these feelings and I can't help how I feel. I need to be in separate counseling I think. I just feel SO neglected, abandoned (again) and lonely. And, I'm resentful towards him. He's put me through HELL - verbal/physical abuse, stealing, pawning my things, etc. The list goes on and on. Now he's all better, in his protected environment - ignoring me - and I'm out here picking up the pieces alone.

liesagain

its easy to understand those feelings--- at the risk of repeating myself I wanted to again say check out codependent no more. That book helped me alot!!!
Mainly it helped me see that ALOT of those feelings STARTED in and with ME --- and that things about me---- lead me to keep picking the types of people I picked to be in my life----the ones that contribute to the alone abandoned feelings-----the ones who for one reason or another are unavalible...............

hang in there !!

atalose

4gotten,

I sorry you are going through so much emotional turmoil right now. I think it’s great you are thinking you need separate counseling. You are important just as important as his rehab is to him. I’m glad you found this site and as someone suggested see if you can also find a meeting if not the counseling for just you is very important.

You need an outlet aside from family/friends to truthfully talk about your feelings and resentments counseling will help you work through all that. People here and at meeting know what you are going through probably better then your friends or family would.

Keep talking/venting keep posting.

SlvrMag

I'm a recovering meth addict. My husband is very supportive. I think he feels the same way. I am aware of the pain I caused him and I have apologized numerous times. Is there really any certain thing we (as addicts) can do to "make it up to you"? If so, please tell me because I would be more than willing to do whatever it may be.




[/QUOTE] No sex. No intimacy. He says he no longer cares about sex. He's a meth addict and I've read that they lose their sex drive when they stop using. He certainly has. But, I still have needs. When I tell him that it just starts a fight. I feel like he could care less about me.[/QUOTE]

My sex drive has gone WAY down. Right now, IMO, that is a small (and temporary) "price to pay" for my sobriety. Sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear. Most likely, unless there are other issues, his sex drive will return.






[/QUOTE] I just feel like our marriage is over. Now that he's clean I thought he would come around and want to make amends with me, be with me, be close to me. But, he's farther away.[/QUOTE]


Be Patient! You did not mention how long he has been in recovery, I'm assuming not long. It takes a long time to heal for everyone involved! Step work is a big recovery tool. We didn't become addicted in one day so remember--Easy Does It!
Go to meetings if possible, have an open mind. Don't look for the differences in others situations, look for similarities and you just might find relief. Good luck to you.

4gottenagain

Well, he's ignoring me today. Nice. I'm SO over this. He called once yesterday - said "Do you want me to just come home?" <sarcastic> I was like "No, but it'd be nice if you called more". He made up an excuse. Over it. He was supposed to call when he got out of his meeting last night and sent a text instead at 11:20pm (knowing I'd be in bed) that said they got in late, sorry he didn't call, love you hope you're not mad. I sent him one this morning that I just felt like he didn't love me anymore. No response. Sent another text around 10am - no response. I just sent him one "I guess you're ignoring me today-thanks".

I know I'm codependant - read all the books - but I have to try and DEAL with this relationship/marriage and he is SO SELFISH. I'm sick of being treated badly.

SlvrMag

He HAS to be selfish right now. I know it's hard but if you REALLY want him to deal with his recovery, THAT IS WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO.

4gottenagain

You've got 2 months clean? How do you know so much about "recovery"?

Recovery is selfish -- that doesn't give him a pass to treat me like I don't exist.

Chino

I'm glad you're considering therapy alone. It will make a world of difference in your life.

SlvrMag

I'm just trying to help you understand the other side. I'm not a "professional". I am just giving you another point of view. Take it or leave it.

TsButterfly

Just because someone only has 2 months clean doesn't mean that they don't have anything positive to give.
None of us know how your conversations with your husband really go.

I can understand your frustrations but it sounds like you can not understand how important his recovery is before you can even expect him to address your "What about me" attitude.

Everyone here is trying to give you sound advice and opinions and you sound like you only want to hear what you want to hear.

I guess that only you can help you!

SlvrMag

Almost 3 BTW!!

Abundance

Vent away!!! You deserve it!

IMO - the best thing you can do is start being selfish yourself!

hope213

honey, breathe, he has got to put his recovery before you or anything else. if he don't get clean it will only get worse. you think rehab is bad, prison it is worse. there is no cell phones. work your recovery & let him work his. i know it does not seem fair but this will be for the rest of his life IF he wants to stay clean. i am sorry u r having such a hard time with this. prayers for u both

Hangin' In

Hi 4gotten,

Although my situation isn't exactly like yours, I do understand your feelings of anger, lonliness and pure frustration. No one was angrier than I was.

A counselor at my loved one's rehab place told me to go to Al Anon, that it would help me. I said, "Naah, don't need it." She told me again, "Why don't you try Al Anon? I think you'd really benefit from it."

"Naaaa, don't want to go. Besides, someone will see me and I don't want to talk to anyone."

Counselor mentioned it to me a THIRD time. I said ok, leave me alone, I'll go.

And I did. I didn't want to go, I couldn't care less about going and, to be honest, I was scared to go ... but I did.

BEST decision I've ever made in my life. I learned there IS a better way to get myself feeling better about all the "crap" that was going on in my life which was all related to my addicted loved one, or so I thought.

My point is meetings really could help you get to where you feel better, where you're not so angry or frustrated or wanting to take someone's head off.

Maybe you could find and Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting in your area and go. There are people there who understand how you are feeling because they are in the same boat you are. And we say that you really need to give meetings a chance, like go to at least 6.

Prayers for you cause I can remember how awful I felt being so angry,
Hangin' In