Denise37

Hi All!!! I'm new here. In November I met a guy, didn't think much of it, but low and behold I was in love....I believed him with all my heart and soul..there were a few things that struck me odd..so the curious nature in me...led me to investigate...I found out he had lied to me about a ton of things from his age to his job to his home...etc...etc, btw we were both married to other people at the time. I was hurt and angry I cried and cried and didnt understand why....but before I knew it i was back to believeing him..he told me how he felt the need to impress me because of past experiences etc..etc.... a few months later i suspect he's high..he's acting funny ..looking different ..I confront him of course he explains it away...i didnt buy it but had no proof...well he screwed up...got arrested and called me to tell me....i met with him to talk...he tells me he is a heroin addict...I flipped...I thought Id die on the spot.......We had been in an 8 month relationship at this time..I panicked..thinking of all the risky behavior..omg...im married with 3 kids..and ive been dating an addict..serves me right..god was punishing me i thought...well, his wife threw him out got divorced....he did detox and rehab....im still here trying to be supportive..well on day 54 of recovery he went and got high again my life was over.....he's a liar & a junkie...but I love him.....Im getting separated..my marriage was over before we met.....its just now that were getting around to the legal stuff, btw.....but omg this is hell..i wanna just leave him..and say screw you..i did my part...HELP!! Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!

greeteachday

I think you have taken the first big step towards helping yourself. You have reached out for help to others who understand what you are going through!
In addition to SR, I found Naranon meetings to be incredibly helpful in helping me restore some sanity to my life. Once I understood the 3 C's ( I didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it) I was able to slowly hear what others who had been through loving an addict had to say and I started focusing more on me. It seemed strange at first that I wasn't the addict but meetings were being recommended to me, but I came to realize rather quickly that addiction had made me just as sick as the addict. Naranon is for friends and families of addicts and the focus is totalling on us. If there are no Naranon meetings in your area, consider Alanon. Since the program is for us, it really doesn't matter if the problem is narcotics or alcohol. I tried several meetings before I found the group that I felt most comfortable with. Now I consider them wonderful caring friends.

One other thing - if you haven't already done so, please check with your doctor to see if it makes sense to have some blood work done. As I am sure you have realized, truthfulness and active addiction don't go hand and hand. Take care of yourself and get tested just to be safe.
Sending lots of postive thoughts...You have a lot on your plate! No one can tell you whether to stay or go; that is your choice. Sometimes it helps to just sit back for a little bit and breathe. Keep reading and posting - it really does help.

Trofnelo

It sounds like you had a brief period just happy and in love and then it really started to just be heartache and drama. I have a similar situation with my ABF who is currently in jail. What I am trying to see is what the REAL relationship consists of and has in it for me, versus the "fantasy" relationship where I fantasize the addiction is just a bump in the road, gets handled, goes away, and we can get back to the unencombured love we had at the beginning (it just doesn't go like that)...The focus in a relationship with an addict just seems to natually go to the addict...But with all that you have going on on top of it, the divorce, the kids, you need the focus to be on YOU. In my experience to keep the focus on me is "working a program" just like the addict needs to. The difference is you can control being on your program, but you can't control anything about the addict. You've got alot on your plate, be nice to yourself. Seeking help for you is a very good start. Maybe a taking a break in the relationship will make it easier for you to focus on you, but of course only you can decide that...Welcome to SR it has really helped me.

hello-kitty

Hi Denise. Welcome. I am sorry you are going through a lot of turmoil right now, but I must point out that your life is NOT over because someone else uses drugs. You have no control over what he does. This is very co-dependent thinking.

Sometimes, loved ones of addicts become so entwined in the addiction of their addict that they need to seek their own recovery. This website is a great place to start. Also you may want to check out a book called codendent no more by Melanie Beatty.

Never forget, that you didn't cause his addiction. you can't control his addiction. you cannot cure his addiction. The only life you can be responsible for is your own!

Also honey, I don't think God punishes people We do that well enough on our own. But maybe he is providing you with an opportunity for personal growth.

Hang in here. :-)

atalose

As greeteachday said you are taking the first step in helping yourself. And as hello-kitty mentioned co-dependency. Something for you to explore as to why you would have settled for this man who was lying to you and pretending to be something he was not.

I’m sure he was a nice diversion from your un-happy marriage but you ignored red flags and that is something you need to understand and explore so it doesn’t happen again.

Falling in love with someone’s potential is a receipt for disaster, this mans potential is addiction plain and simple.

Focus on you and your children and let him focus on himself. With your support he used, without your support he will use that’s all on him you have nothing to do with that.

Put all that support energy into you and into your kids.

wooforever

Do you want to be with an addict? Do you want your life to be when he is going to get high again? Do you want your life to be sitting by the phone waiting for that call saying he is either in jail or dead? He will not change until he hits his rock bottom. I would get out of it now before you waste your time and years in maybe he will get clean.

I think everyone here has been were you are at.

rose

Sorry to here the hurt you are going through. Not to be so blunt but I feel more sorry for his wife, I can only imagine what she has had to go through with him and yet she gets another blow.

I think both of you have wronged, even through you both may have been unhappy in your marriages is not an excuse to have an affair.

Rose

imallright

My advice.... RUN! I am sorry you are going through this and glad you found SR.... steps towards helping you, but IMO, this is not the way to start or develop a relationship... based on lies, cheating, etc.... and you are only getting started. Oh, hon... keep coming back here and please think of you and your kids.

Denise37

Thanks for all the input!!

splendra

Hey there welcome. The above sounds like a good plan see if you can follow that. Prayers going out for you. Be strong with him and gentle with yourself.

hope213

hi denise,welcome to S.R.. i am sorry for the pain you are going thru. i am glad you have found us. there are lots of people here to help you thru this. you are not alone. you have taken the first step by reaching out. i want you to stop & think about where you have been & where you are right now. stop & think about where you want to be in 10yrs. you can not control or change another person. you may love this addict but you need to step back & think. he is an addict & he has lied to you from day one. you loved your husband at one time & you can love again. you need to think about your children. put them first & by doing this you will run for the hills. he will not change until he hits his bottom & he gets ready to change. this could be never. it is a long,hard road with an addict. why put yourself & your kids thru this? it only gets worse. my prayers are up for you & them. keep coming back, read around. there are alot of stories here.