coyote21

About a year ago, I was granted sole custody of my daughter. Exaw got standard "supervised" visitation which included 1/2 summer vacation. It was mid summer when judge decided custody and she and gmaw were allowed to take dd for summer visitation.

At the end of summer exaw decided to just keep daughter, enroll her in school etc. Sole custody gives me all those rights. Long story short had to get writ of attachment, get two alanon friends to drive me 4 hours on a thursday (they took off work to help me-old truck), pay local constables to find dd and jump her out of school and give her to me. Got her back w/clothes on her back. New wardrobe, pay lawyer, file contempt charges, go to court etc.

Because the local constables couldn't find exaw she didn't know dd was gone till after school was out. She was MAD. She
left a message on ans machine that she was going to call cops on me for kidnapping and KILL me. I decided to call police myself and the officer recorded the "terroristic threat" and then it became a matter of the state vs. exaw. I did press charges, cause honestly I was afraid of her, people get killed all the time over this stuff.

Anywho, judge dismissed the "I will kill you" stuff, fined her and charged her w/contempt, and life goes on.

It's been over a year now, dust has settled and today ex called and I gave her her weekly update on dd. She told me she just had to come up here 4hrs each way to court and reset charges of "terrotistic threat". State is still pursueing her.

I'm really no longer afraid for my life, but her actions/her consequences. She asked me if I would sign an affidavite sp? to help make this go away. I said I would. I can always change my mind.....but I'm not really interested in punishing her any further, the life she's choosing to live seems to be punishing enough.

Any input would be appreciated. Still have 18 mts back c/s for leverage if needed.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote21

denny57

I have also been on the receiving end of "non-serious" death threats.

I would not sign or do anything to make it easier for xAH. I agree with your statement that anything can happen. It would never cross my mind to make a death threat against anyone - even in anger. That someone could, and did, says enough for me.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

coyote21

Thanks Denny, I value your input, you're always "spot on". :codiepolice

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Bernadette

I'm not really interested in punishing her any further

Well I don't see it as YOU punishing her. I see it as you protecting yourself, your DD and your court ordered rights.

Is there anything you can ask of her? Like why should she get off free of charge if you know what I mean?

I know- sometimes we just have to let stuff go for our own peace of mind. I've done it with my ex-- like if I took him to court for every time he didn't pay child support I would be spending half my life in court - and ultimately I'd rather be broke and handle it myself (makes me feel so GOOD!!) than even have to call him or my lawyer and get back on that treadmill... because it never ends with him and I have way better things to do with my time!!

Sleep on it tonight - see what your first thought about it is in the morning...sometimes I've found clarity that way.

Movin' on!!

Peace,
B.

CatsPajamas

I tend to fall back on adult choices and adult actions = adult consequences. She violated the orders by keeping your daughter and enrolling her in school AND she made a serious threat against you.

Although I understand "keeping the peace" especially when it affects your daughter, I also understand that people need to own their behaviors and pay the piper, so to speak.

I've been on both sides of this ~~ in my 2nd marriage we both had children from marriages #1. There was a LOT of time spent in court, playing he said/she said, a few death threats, the occasional kidnapping, lots of mind games with the kids. It's a crazy world.

coyote21

Yes.

Last nite at a steak house w/dd, a guy in the booth behind dd (she's 7) was being loud and stupid....drunk of course. The couple w/him were clearly embarrased by his behavior.

Daughter turned around once to look and turned back to me and said "Think drinkin's involved?" in her best 7yo-tryin to be-15yo voice.

Man she's seen alot for a little kid. I guess it's good that she can spot a drunk a mile away!

Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug
Coyote

coyote21

More good advice, thanks B. I'll also run it past a lawyer. Have legal ins. at work for about $4 a month. Money well spent when involved w/active addiction!

Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug
Coyote

coyote21

Just broke the "bad" news to the x. Not a happy camper. Even her mom called me to express her "concern" over her daughter and me not being able to come together to parent this child.

Explained to me that her daughter, my x is "all better now", the doctor said she was hypoglycemic sp? That would explain her ongoing alcoholism. Now she just carries skittles with her. She's not really a drunk......hypoglycemia mimmicks drunkeness, what with the slurring and all.

Somebody please get me out of crazyland. Oh yah....I forgot, I did that a while back. Boy it sucks to be the bad guy all the time.

Of course this is all vendictive. I tried to explain the concept of always bailing out grown alcholics and for the mom not to pay for this mess and let the consequences fall......like talking to a wall.

XMIL said she just would not see my daughter this weekend. That will fix me.:wtf2

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Stubborn1

I have to agree. If you back out of this and make it easy then her threats may get more serious. Once they get away with it then it's game on. Your threats will be idle and she will never again take you serious. I think kidnapping showed she is off her rocker. Protect your daughter and let that woman find her own way, she's bad news in my opinion. You are a good dad.

Stubborn1

I'm hypoglycemic and I have yet to experience any of those reactions. So it my daughter. I'd have to see a Dr's note on that one.

peaceteach

Love the sarcasm, Coyote. I too am sick of being the "bad guy" when regards to others--kids, relatives, and all those people who DIDN'T LIVE MY LIFE and have no idea how difficult and soul-killing it was, not only to go through it with an active alcoholic, but to have to continue to suffer as the strong parent who must be consistent. I was alone in the marriage, and I was alone after the marriage, and I had to take all the problems and make all the decisions regarding the kids on my own. So when others who have NOT WALKED IN MY SHOES want a say in my business, I can choose to let it make me feel threatened, or I can choose to smile and say sorry! we're doing this my way just because! Because until they go through this themselves, until people really know what it is like to learn to NOT depend on an alcoholic, to be totally on your own, to survive and thrive on your own and be a good parent on your own in spite of others, these people just don't know. They will NOT get it.

Smile, Coyote. YOU get it, your sarcasm shows you are sassy enough to be making it just fine on your own, and your exMIL will have to learn her own lessons with her daughter. And a grandma who makes threats to NOT see her grandchild? That seems pretty inappropriate and sad.

Stay the course with your daughter, Coyote. You're doing just fine. And the sense of humor you are showing her is, in my opinion, the best gift to enjoying life.

coyote21

God bless you for your response. As a recovering codie I had a rough nites sleep, lots of fear of retaliation etc.. You reminded me that the right thing to do is almost always the most uncomfortable.

And yes, you nailed it about standing ALONE against a family of in denial disfunctional loonies. You have truly walked in my shoes.

And yes.....kid's developing an eversoslightly off beat sense of humor.

Thanks again Peaceteach.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

GiveLove

Hugs, coyote (it's funny, there was a coyote standing on a rock above our yard not ten minutes ago, reminded me to come post here.....)

You're doing the right thing. Peace, as usual, is spot on. IMHO, part of the challenge of recovery is weeding out the people who have not walked your shoes but want to control your decisions regardless. Just keep talking to your daughter, keep engaging her with things that matter, and keep honest with her. She sounds like an AWESOME kid.

When I read about your XMIL's behavior, I thought, jeez, that kid needs a grandma like that like she needs a hole in the head (to borrow a phrase from my dad). Consider the possibility of building ways for your dd to have a "family of choice" rather than being stuck with this dysfunctional madhouse. Friends, activities, social groups. It helped me, as a kid, to have other people to look to than my own family, which was insane. I think it's what made me who I am, in fact -- my "other family" acted as a buffer against the nut-jobs.

take care
GL

denny57

Congratulations, coyote. It's not easy for me sometimes doing what I know is the right thing.

coyote21

Yes GL, exactly. DD is an only child of two onlys, I have zero family left and part of my parental guilt has been that the only "blood" family she has are all drunks and all the disfunction that goes with that...what a mess. It has dawned on me that this is not necessarly a bad thing, she will get to chose her family.

We have a wonderful network of folks who love us and help as needed. She's very personable and many people have told me she has something special about her. She definately "has her own way about her". It will serve her well in life. She and I only surround ourselves with people who enhance our lives. I've cut all the drunks and casual drug users out of my life.

We've been going to Alanon for almost 3 years and she is a "hugger". I think that's a fine thing.

Any way thanks for your kind support. :ghug3

Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug2
Coyote

P.S. I'd give almost anything for my "own" coyote!

coyote21

I know, it's almost like the harder something is to do the "righter" it is.

As a codie I never seem to trust my judgement, but I've learned to ask others opinions. I asked you all, 5 or 6 of my Alanon friends, couple of co-workers, and 100% of people I asked said the same thing.

Not to mention it is one of the first things we learn in Alanon, STOP enabeling the alcoholic. Millions of people following Alanon suggestions since the 30's have to be on to something.

Thanks Denny and God bless us all, :ghug
Coyote