Elamentri

OK, the term trial separation sounds serious, but my fiancee/partner and I have decided to give it a go, on the grounds that absence makes the heart grow fonder. During the period that I was abusing alcohol, I lied to her many times, again and again to try to disguise my problem. I have never lied to her in the past, I guess it was the sickness taking hold and warping my own reality. the end result is that she can not trust me, for all she knows I could still be on the sauce and telling her that I'm not. So we have decided to have a little time apart and get back to some kind of dating scene like the old days so we can get to know each other again.... But, my question is: Is this a good idea? I mean, I have never done this before and I am now appealing to the members of this forum for your kind advice. We have been together nearly 6 years and have lived together for 5. We have a two and a half year old child together and we are both desperately trying to salvage what is left of our relationship. Are we doing the right thing? :praying

lisa1235

well in a issue of trust you have to rebuild it.i think that maybe time apart could help you grow and in that process you can build a real relationship thats built on real things. you have to know yourself sober to know who you really r.what you really like .what you dislike.if the love is strong and youre truely meant to be it will work out.relationships are work...4 a common goal.in early recovery you may not know what you like or dislike yet.thats y they tell you 2 wait a year.just take it 1 day at a time right now.and get some meetings,meetings,meetings. welcome!

Jules62

Hi there,

I guess I really can't tell you if it's the right thing to do or not.But you certainly sound serious about wanting to make this work and obviously you've discussed this with your partner and that's all good.

I don't know how much sober time you have as yet, but if you are in early recovery you will find that your emotions will be very up and down right now, so making any life changing decisions isn't a good idea.Once you're settled into your 'sober self' then sure-review where you are and where your relationship is.

One thing I do know is-alcoholism is a disease of isolation-so feelings of lonliness and sadness are pretty common once we start to experience emotion again(having been numbed by alcohol previously)Be careful of projecting that stuff onto your relationship or your present circumstances.Alot of what we feel in early recovery is tenuous at best.

I think as long as you are both honest with each other, as you go through this-you should be okay.It sounds to me like you both very much want it to work.Focus on what you need to do to remain sober and honest.You can't build or rebuild a relationship without truth and trust.

I wish you well,

Jules

Dean62

I remember trying the very thing after 13 years of marriage. We ended up getting divorced. That is my story not yours. I'm just sharing with you what happened to me. Keeping in mind I don't like the idea at all because of my personal experience I have to ask you Elamentri, is your relationship really relying on absence making the heart grow fonder?

Sorry to be so abrupt, I really do hope things work out for you. Well I suppose the idea is not so bad........ who am I kidding. I'm seeing red flags. I really really don't mean to sound negative and this really really is just my little opinion. Don't take it for more then it's worth.

My advice is stay focused on your sobriety and all else will work out as it should.

Elamentri

Thanks very much for your input. Jules62: I'm about 3 weeks sober. You were right about this disease being one of isolation, I'm a bit of a wreck, every time I walk through a damn super market the wine/beer section is the first thing I see! And yes I'm pretty up and down even 3 weeks into my sobriety so I'm glad I'm not exposing my partner and daughter to that. Thanks again for your words of wisdom Lisa1235