To those of you who have REALLY detached...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
To those of you who have REALLY detached...
I find myself teetering and holding on by a string every day. I find myself feeling as though I HAVE to talk to AH every day on the phone (he's still @ his moms). To stay on him about looking for a job, following up on this, that or the other. I also feel that if I can speak with him that I can guage whether he's using or not. I'm pretty sure he's not right now.
I am also really struggling because AH is clean right now (I'd guess anyway). But he's in the confines of his mom's house. He has NO responsibility in there and basically lays around watching tv and making a few calls every day to lawyers (to try to get his job back possibly). I know nobody can predict the future, but what's he going to do when he gets back out into the real world and HAS responsibilities. Gets a job and HAS money to buy drugs. What he's living right now isn't reality. It's NOT what life is going to be like - someone to cater to your every need (his mom).
He's not going to any meetings, just finished up the last of his suboxone so he's been very sick again for the last few days. He says he "may" start going to some meetings etc.
It's just that I see some here who have detached and are FIRM in their boundaries. What was it that got you there, reading, meetings, something just clicked or what? Was it an overnight thing when you'd just decided your boundaries or was it a gradual progression.
It's just that I've been lied to DAILY for the last several years and he's SO flipping good at the lies and hiding. In the past the only thing that my firm boundaries did was make his lies better. More elaborate, more deceiving. He STILL did EXACTLY what he wanted to do but just made SURE to have the story to make me believe he wasn't using.
Not sure what the point of the post is exactly. But I just see some here that are so strong in their detachment. Not only talking the talk, but walking the walk. As an outsider, it's very clear to me about detachment, but to actually DO it and stick with it is very hard. Also...any suggestions about the NEED to call him 3-7x a day? How do I overcome that addiction?? Thanks guys.
I am also really struggling because AH is clean right now (I'd guess anyway). But he's in the confines of his mom's house. He has NO responsibility in there and basically lays around watching tv and making a few calls every day to lawyers (to try to get his job back possibly). I know nobody can predict the future, but what's he going to do when he gets back out into the real world and HAS responsibilities. Gets a job and HAS money to buy drugs. What he's living right now isn't reality. It's NOT what life is going to be like - someone to cater to your every need (his mom).
He's not going to any meetings, just finished up the last of his suboxone so he's been very sick again for the last few days. He says he "may" start going to some meetings etc.
It's just that I see some here who have detached and are FIRM in their boundaries. What was it that got you there, reading, meetings, something just clicked or what? Was it an overnight thing when you'd just decided your boundaries or was it a gradual progression.
It's just that I've been lied to DAILY for the last several years and he's SO flipping good at the lies and hiding. In the past the only thing that my firm boundaries did was make his lies better. More elaborate, more deceiving. He STILL did EXACTLY what he wanted to do but just made SURE to have the story to make me believe he wasn't using.
Not sure what the point of the post is exactly. But I just see some here that are so strong in their detachment. Not only talking the talk, but walking the walk. As an outsider, it's very clear to me about detachment, but to actually DO it and stick with it is very hard. Also...any suggestions about the NEED to call him 3-7x a day? How do I overcome that addiction?? Thanks guys.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
It's just that I see some here who have detached and are FIRM in their boundaries. What was it that got you there, reading, meetings, something just clicked or what? Was it an overnight thing when you'd just decided your boundaries or was it a gradual progression.
Like I said, I'm still in the process. We used to talk several times a day too. Now, even though I still get the urge to call, mostly out of habit I think, I just don't. It's getting easier. Sad to say that, a once beautiful love affair has died, but true.
Boundaries are more difficult for me because things got so bad before I got to this point, that the only options left for me, I felt, are moving out and/or divorce. That's not something I ever wanted to admit, and it makes me sad every day, but nothing was changing the way I was doing things. I need to move on, I need to live again, and sadly, he hasn't decided to come along.
Last edited by itisatruth; 08-31-2008 at 06:11 PM. Reason: more thoughts
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I guess for me 'something just clicked'. I had listened to the same crap over and over (I was getting so bored with it, frustrated and of course she wouldnt listen, would she) I cared so much for her safety but in the end the abuse just tipped me over the edge.
When she inflicted harm onto her son, that was the 'click' for me. I decided enough was enough and I havent spoken to her for oh, three months now. She enters my mind everyday, but I refuse to go back to all that drama.
When she inflicted harm onto her son, that was the 'click' for me. I decided enough was enough and I havent spoken to her for oh, three months now. She enters my mind everyday, but I refuse to go back to all that drama.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Before I knew I was dealing with addiction, I went to therapy for help with boundaries, and slowly, I just stopped. I now know the language that covers the things I did and didn't do now, but at the time I didn't. I stopped covering, I stopped hoping or expecting him to help me around the house, emotionally, in any way. I stopped hoping and expecting him to be my friend, to want to spend time with me, to stop anything. I gave up any and all expectations. I detached. It has been said, and I believe it is true, Expectations are future disappointments.
Callie, he has a Mom. He is old enough to be an adult. You have been trying and giving for years. It's time to stop. Your life may not be what you want it to be, but it doesn't mean it's going to be changed to the negative! I'm not saying he won't be part of it, but what I am saying is that his life, being an equal partner, is up to him - not you. Has "helping" him all these years gotten him any better? Has it gotten him (or you and the family) to a better place? Has anything and everything you've done actually changed the outcome?
Only you have the answers. Hugs and prayers to you!
Callie, he has a Mom. He is old enough to be an adult. You have been trying and giving for years. It's time to stop. Your life may not be what you want it to be, but it doesn't mean it's going to be changed to the negative! I'm not saying he won't be part of it, but what I am saying is that his life, being an equal partner, is up to him - not you. Has "helping" him all these years gotten him any better? Has it gotten him (or you and the family) to a better place? Has anything and everything you've done actually changed the outcome?
Only you have the answers. Hugs and prayers to you!
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
For me it was a process. My 1st husband was a compulsive gambler. I stayed with him for 10yrs. During that time we had 2 sons. I sat in Gam-Anon mtgs to learen about addiction. What finally did it was he ran away because he got in trouble with the law. I moved, went to college, and after a couple of months of being on my own started dating again. By the time I saw him again about 9 months later my addiction to him was broken. It was an addiction believe me. I was just as addicted to him as he was to gambling.
Space is what did it for me. time, and physical distance really helped.
IMHO you won't get over him if you talk to him everyday. From reading these posts I know there are some people who can stay with their addicts and detach mentally, and emotionally, but I just couldn't.
Best of Luck,
Diane
Space is what did it for me. time, and physical distance really helped.
IMHO you won't get over him if you talk to him everyday. From reading these posts I know there are some people who can stay with their addicts and detach mentally, and emotionally, but I just couldn't.
Best of Luck,
Diane
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Callie,
Act as if.
I want to be perfect at walking the walk, at talking the talk but I am NO where near it. But sometimes if I can "Act as if" for a minute, an hour, a couple hours, etc. I feel strong, empowered.
I just keep trying.
Act as if.
I want to be perfect at walking the walk, at talking the talk but I am NO where near it. But sometimes if I can "Act as if" for a minute, an hour, a couple hours, etc. I feel strong, empowered.
I just keep trying.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I really like what((((JMF)))) said.
Also I wish to throw in my .02 : now that he is away bask in the glory of not having to be around him. Just stop thinking about him he ain't going away. If he thinks you are trying to control him he will take you for a ride and you won't like it. Learn that he will do what he wants to not what you want him to.
Also I wish to throw in my .02 : now that he is away bask in the glory of not having to be around him. Just stop thinking about him he ain't going away. If he thinks you are trying to control him he will take you for a ride and you won't like it. Learn that he will do what he wants to not what you want him to.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
It took me a long time and a lot of pain to detach from my daughter. I really did not want the chaos in my life. I was full of anger and so I had to let go. Later I learned about compassion and could detach with love. She is clean now but is living here and in touch with the boyfriend that supplied all of her drugs. This time it is a different kind of detachment that I practice everyday. I absolutely know that I am powerless over what her future brings her. She knows my boundaries and so far she is keeping them. Don't worry if it takes you a long time to detach, you will get there. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Callie)))
It seems, to me, that if you're calling him that often every day, you are still "addicted" to him. You admit that it is a way to see if he is clean.
The problem with that is, just because he's clean when you talk to him, doesn't mean he's going to stay that way. You KNOW it's totally up to him, but I don't think you've ACCEPTED it yet.
It's the same way we addicts act when we're using. We KNOW better, but we don't do anything about it until we hit bottom.
You've said, several times, that he's very good at lying, and he was using even when you didn't realize it. The only way you're going to find out if he's really clean and willing to do whatever it takes to STAY clean, is to watch his actions over time.
Detaching, for me, meant to stop talking to my XABF. I understand that's harder for you because you have kids together. But it sounds to me like you're calling him to check up on him, which means you are still focusing on him.
You've made a lot of progress, but I hope you can focus more on you, and let him do what he's going to do....because that's what he's going to do anyway. Admitting we are powerless over someone else's addiction is really hard. I had to stop myself, while I was dialing the phone to call him, and ask myself what I hoped to accomplish? Was he clean? If he was, did that mean he was going to STAY that way? Absolutely not.
I couldn't detach all at one time. I started by not calling him. It wasn't easy, but it was very much worth it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It seems, to me, that if you're calling him that often every day, you are still "addicted" to him. You admit that it is a way to see if he is clean.
The problem with that is, just because he's clean when you talk to him, doesn't mean he's going to stay that way. You KNOW it's totally up to him, but I don't think you've ACCEPTED it yet.
It's the same way we addicts act when we're using. We KNOW better, but we don't do anything about it until we hit bottom.
You've said, several times, that he's very good at lying, and he was using even when you didn't realize it. The only way you're going to find out if he's really clean and willing to do whatever it takes to STAY clean, is to watch his actions over time.
Detaching, for me, meant to stop talking to my XABF. I understand that's harder for you because you have kids together. But it sounds to me like you're calling him to check up on him, which means you are still focusing on him.
You've made a lot of progress, but I hope you can focus more on you, and let him do what he's going to do....because that's what he's going to do anyway. Admitting we are powerless over someone else's addiction is really hard. I had to stop myself, while I was dialing the phone to call him, and ask myself what I hoped to accomplish? Was he clean? If he was, did that mean he was going to STAY that way? Absolutely not.
I couldn't detach all at one time. I started by not calling him. It wasn't easy, but it was very much worth it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Thank you so much guys - lots of good info here. I guess it would make things so much easier if he had a job and was contributing $$ to this household. He's given me about $400 during the last THREE months. That's it. I've been responsible for every single bill here. As it stands now I have to come up with $1700 a MONTH for Cobra. I have to continue this because DS will most likely need eye surgery in another 2 months. If I change anything his surgery would be deemed a pre-existing condition. I guess the purpose of my calls is to guage his usage AND stay on top of him about getting a job. He's sinking us day by day every day that he doesn't work. The insurance alone is what is killing us.
As of now he basically just lays in at his moms watching tv. He'll make a few phone calls RE; unemployment, seeking employment or to lawyers to try to get his job back. I feel like if I don't stay on top of him about everything than I'm shooting myself in the foot too kwim? I feel like I'm protecting us AND him by the calls I guess. I cannot afford to keep paying $1700 a month for Cobra. Not for very long anyway.
To be honest, it IS an addiction for me. We've ALWAYS talked multiple times a day. In reality if I look back on it it was/is a control thing on my part. I just am realizing that. Making sure he was where he was suppose to be at whatever time he's suppose to be there. Making sure he remembered this appt or whatever. Man - if I could just turn that energy inward. KWIM?
On a positive note, I just got back from the lake. I took the kids with my family and we went skiing, tubing and swimming. So I was glad to get away with them today and just chill. Seems I'm always working or doing or going. You know what? Through this, my kids are awesome, they are doing great. I'm so proud of them - they are great 7 year olds.
As of now he basically just lays in at his moms watching tv. He'll make a few phone calls RE; unemployment, seeking employment or to lawyers to try to get his job back. I feel like if I don't stay on top of him about everything than I'm shooting myself in the foot too kwim? I feel like I'm protecting us AND him by the calls I guess. I cannot afford to keep paying $1700 a month for Cobra. Not for very long anyway.
To be honest, it IS an addiction for me. We've ALWAYS talked multiple times a day. In reality if I look back on it it was/is a control thing on my part. I just am realizing that. Making sure he was where he was suppose to be at whatever time he's suppose to be there. Making sure he remembered this appt or whatever. Man - if I could just turn that energy inward. KWIM?
On a positive note, I just got back from the lake. I took the kids with my family and we went skiing, tubing and swimming. So I was glad to get away with them today and just chill. Seems I'm always working or doing or going. You know what? Through this, my kids are awesome, they are doing great. I'm so proud of them - they are great 7 year olds.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Is your calling and keeping on top of him working? I mean is he actively seeking employment or just acting like he is seeking employment? It seems like the calling soothes you but does little to solve the problem.
Are your kids somewhere during the day or could they be so you could work for insurance? I know Starbucks provides insurance for only 20 hrs/week and insurance seems to be your immediate problem. The sooner you start the sooner you get cheaper insurance plus some spending money.
AH doesn't seem to be rising to the occassion and it seems you must do something or sink along with him. Seems like he likes you just the way you have always been. Why should he get concerned when you have the situation in hand?
Have you considered a trial period of acting in a different fashion. You know, like the "Just for Today" bookmark...Just for today I will " ........." Because people can try on a new behavior for the amount of time awake as it doesn't seem overwhelming. Perhaps you could try that for yourself.
Maybe acting totally out of character for you would be good for your character.....KWIM?
Are your kids somewhere during the day or could they be so you could work for insurance? I know Starbucks provides insurance for only 20 hrs/week and insurance seems to be your immediate problem. The sooner you start the sooner you get cheaper insurance plus some spending money.
AH doesn't seem to be rising to the occassion and it seems you must do something or sink along with him. Seems like he likes you just the way you have always been. Why should he get concerned when you have the situation in hand?
Have you considered a trial period of acting in a different fashion. You know, like the "Just for Today" bookmark...Just for today I will " ........." Because people can try on a new behavior for the amount of time awake as it doesn't seem overwhelming. Perhaps you could try that for yourself.
Maybe acting totally out of character for you would be good for your character.....KWIM?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Thank you - Crysalis - the thing is that I do not have time to work @ Starbucks. I have my own business and I help my dad with his business. BUT none provides insurance. I make very good $$ at what I do, but if I try to get insurance right now while ds needs surgery they won't cover it because it's pre-existing.
You're right - the calling does very little to solve the problem. And yes, for the most part he's just "acting" like he's seeking employment. He KNOWS he has to do this, but yet is still most likely basking in the care of his mom. She annoys the crap out of him, but he doesn't have to lift a finger in there so he's enjoying being catered to.
Does ANYONE know of a good place to even call for insurance? I guess at this point until I/we file, I am still responsible for ALL of this. If he would get hurt or get in an accident they can come back on ME as his wife for HIS bills. Also, I'm not sure about DS's eyes. I just keep thinking just a few more months until I can get that taken care of.
I am just disgusted at myself because I KNOW better than this. If I was giving advice about MY situation I would be very firm and opinionated. BUT LIVING in this situation is a different story. I'm listening to my compassion, my heart, feeling sorry for him, my kids, his family etc. I'm NOT listening to my head. That is the purpose of this thread - how did you successfully detach? Thanks again guys.
You're right - the calling does very little to solve the problem. And yes, for the most part he's just "acting" like he's seeking employment. He KNOWS he has to do this, but yet is still most likely basking in the care of his mom. She annoys the crap out of him, but he doesn't have to lift a finger in there so he's enjoying being catered to.
Does ANYONE know of a good place to even call for insurance? I guess at this point until I/we file, I am still responsible for ALL of this. If he would get hurt or get in an accident they can come back on ME as his wife for HIS bills. Also, I'm not sure about DS's eyes. I just keep thinking just a few more months until I can get that taken care of.
I am just disgusted at myself because I KNOW better than this. If I was giving advice about MY situation I would be very firm and opinionated. BUT LIVING in this situation is a different story. I'm listening to my compassion, my heart, feeling sorry for him, my kids, his family etc. I'm NOT listening to my head. That is the purpose of this thread - how did you successfully detach? Thanks again guys.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 427
Hi Callie,
I am not sure I can answer your question like you want to hear. Because actually inside I am not so very sure how detached I am from my ad. That is because she has been doing everything she is supposed to be doing. The only boundry she broke was that first week end she was out so late but never has done it again.
First don't worry about his bills now, they haven't even happened. It is good you are making money but too bad no insurance. Has anyone looked into getting any for the small company you have?
Can you talk with the Doc about the eye operation? They can knock off a lot when they want to or help you out but you need to ask. Why are you waiting to have this done? The state here offers insurance to anyone who doesn't have it. Doesn't matter what you make, they will ask to see everything and charge you according to your money. I think because so many jobs here don't offer insurance or just part time. They never advertise these things because years ago I would have dropped Cobra also and gone there till I got insurance with another job.
I read your posts, I know you care about him but you really do have to ask yourself if what your doing has made a difference? Your just being a mom to a bigger kid and his mom is doing the same.
Your making it without him, you need to believe in yourself and see that. No one is a door mat unless they lay down to get stepped on. Someone told me that once. What is he giving you? When did you laugh last with him?
Write the good things and then the bad things and then ask why do you need the bad things? Your hanging onto something that was, and it isn't anymore no matter how much you want it to be.
Let go, look at your list every day and say I don't need this. I need to be strong for my kids, I need to believe in myself, I can do it an I will do it.
I know it isn't easy but is anything these days? Hang in there and I have lots of hugs for you and prayers.....:praying
I am not sure I can answer your question like you want to hear. Because actually inside I am not so very sure how detached I am from my ad. That is because she has been doing everything she is supposed to be doing. The only boundry she broke was that first week end she was out so late but never has done it again.
First don't worry about his bills now, they haven't even happened. It is good you are making money but too bad no insurance. Has anyone looked into getting any for the small company you have?
Can you talk with the Doc about the eye operation? They can knock off a lot when they want to or help you out but you need to ask. Why are you waiting to have this done? The state here offers insurance to anyone who doesn't have it. Doesn't matter what you make, they will ask to see everything and charge you according to your money. I think because so many jobs here don't offer insurance or just part time. They never advertise these things because years ago I would have dropped Cobra also and gone there till I got insurance with another job.
I read your posts, I know you care about him but you really do have to ask yourself if what your doing has made a difference? Your just being a mom to a bigger kid and his mom is doing the same.
Your making it without him, you need to believe in yourself and see that. No one is a door mat unless they lay down to get stepped on. Someone told me that once. What is he giving you? When did you laugh last with him?
Write the good things and then the bad things and then ask why do you need the bad things? Your hanging onto something that was, and it isn't anymore no matter how much you want it to be.
Let go, look at your list every day and say I don't need this. I need to be strong for my kids, I need to believe in myself, I can do it an I will do it.
I know it isn't easy but is anything these days? Hang in there and I have lots of hugs for you and prayers.....:praying
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Some may not agree with this but if it his operation, I'd be letting him take care of it, rather than taking care of it myself. When I took this approach with my last AB (we lived together for 4 years and owned a house) he got abusive. I, he claimed, didn't understand how hard it was for him.
Being able to do this though, for me, was a result of detachment. A day at a time, I stopped doing stuff for him, he didn't ask me to do, then a day at a time I stopped doing stuff I thought he could do himself.
Many a time over our 4 year relationship, I repeated to myself I am powerless over him and his behaviour. I went to regular Al Anon meetings. I got a sponsor and I focused on myself. Focusing on one self is a result of detachment. There was a reading in one of the Al Anon books about it the other day.
I starting acting in away that I felt good about, not because I wanted to keep the relationship, and doing nice things for myself.
As for boundaries, well the less I did things for him that he wanted me to do, the more abusive he become so our relationship ended. But I think it become obvious to me at least anyway, we wanted different things in life. I.e. he wanted kids and a wife/mother and I already had a child and wanted a partner.
I think sometimes there is confusion on these boards as to what boundaries are. A boundry is not a standard of behaviour I set for someone else but rather how I am prepared to act.
I.e. exAB wanted to use my car as it was legal and his wasn't BUT I needed it so wouldn't lend it. If I wasn't using it, he was welcome to it.
Another example is if someone shouts at me. A boundry isn't shouting back, don't shout at me! A boundry means I won't accept being spoken to like that, so I leave the room until the person shouting will lower their voice.
Being able to do this though, for me, was a result of detachment. A day at a time, I stopped doing stuff for him, he didn't ask me to do, then a day at a time I stopped doing stuff I thought he could do himself.
Many a time over our 4 year relationship, I repeated to myself I am powerless over him and his behaviour. I went to regular Al Anon meetings. I got a sponsor and I focused on myself. Focusing on one self is a result of detachment. There was a reading in one of the Al Anon books about it the other day.
I starting acting in away that I felt good about, not because I wanted to keep the relationship, and doing nice things for myself.
As for boundaries, well the less I did things for him that he wanted me to do, the more abusive he become so our relationship ended. But I think it become obvious to me at least anyway, we wanted different things in life. I.e. he wanted kids and a wife/mother and I already had a child and wanted a partner.
I think sometimes there is confusion on these boards as to what boundaries are. A boundry is not a standard of behaviour I set for someone else but rather how I am prepared to act.
I.e. exAB wanted to use my car as it was legal and his wasn't BUT I needed it so wouldn't lend it. If I wasn't using it, he was welcome to it.
Another example is if someone shouts at me. A boundry isn't shouting back, don't shout at me! A boundry means I won't accept being spoken to like that, so I leave the room until the person shouting will lower their voice.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 18
Detachment is the most painful word I had to learn. It feels like you are giving up on the person you love and throwing them to the wolves, but when you really sit back and think you realizethat it really is LOVE. The part that I find most difficult is hoping that my addicted son knows that I am detaching with love and not just giving up on him. The sooner we realize that we ( the enablers) can not make them stop the easier it becomes. It,s a battle every day but we must stand strong and face it. Good luck
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
For me, something just clicked and it was after reading something here about forgiveness. That day I began to look at my daughter as the drug addict on the corner or in jail, or someone's daughter from here and vice versa.
As an example, I wouldn't drive myself crazy for marle's daughter and I'd hope she wouldn't do that for mine. But I would have compassion and forgiveness towards her daughter, assist her in recovery, and would hope she'd be able to do the same for mine.
Ask yourself if you would do all the things you've done with someone's husband here. I know they are a stranger to you, but then again, so is your husband.
My prayers are with you Callie.
As an example, I wouldn't drive myself crazy for marle's daughter and I'd hope she wouldn't do that for mine. But I would have compassion and forgiveness towards her daughter, assist her in recovery, and would hope she'd be able to do the same for mine.
Ask yourself if you would do all the things you've done with someone's husband here. I know they are a stranger to you, but then again, so is your husband.
My prayers are with you Callie.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I pulled this from the COBRA website.
How long must COBRA continuation coverage be available to a qualified beneficiary?
Up to 18 months for covered employees, as well as their spouses and their dependents, when workers otherwise would lose coverage because of a termination or reduction of hours.
Up to 29 months is available to employees who are determined to have been disabled at any time during the first 60 days of COBRA coverage and applies as well to the disabled employee's nondisabled qualified beneficiaries.
Up to 36 months for spouses and dependents facing a loss of employer-provided coverage due to an employee's death, a divorce or legal separation, or certain other "qualifying events".
What is a qualifying event?
The qualifying event requirement is satisfied if the event is (1) the death of a covered employee; (2) the termination (other than by reason of the employee's gross misconduct), or a reduction of hours, of a covered employee's employment; (3) the divorce or legal separation of a covered employee from the employee's spouse; (4) a covered employee becoming entitled to Medicare benefits under Title XVIII of the Social Security Act; or (5) a dependent child ceasing to be a dependent child of the covered employee under the generally applicable requirements of the plan and a loss of coverage occurs.
What if he never returns to work? What will you do about insurance, then? Given you are self- employed, the cost of your healthcare insurance is deductitble.
How long must COBRA continuation coverage be available to a qualified beneficiary?
Up to 18 months for covered employees, as well as their spouses and their dependents, when workers otherwise would lose coverage because of a termination or reduction of hours.
Up to 29 months is available to employees who are determined to have been disabled at any time during the first 60 days of COBRA coverage and applies as well to the disabled employee's nondisabled qualified beneficiaries.
Up to 36 months for spouses and dependents facing a loss of employer-provided coverage due to an employee's death, a divorce or legal separation, or certain other "qualifying events".
What is a qualifying event?
The qualifying event requirement is satisfied if the event is (1) the death of a covered employee; (2) the termination (other than by reason of the employee's gross misconduct), or a reduction of hours, of a covered employee's employment; (3) the divorce or legal separation of a covered employee from the employee's spouse; (4) a covered employee becoming entitled to Medicare benefits under Title XVIII of the Social Security Act; or (5) a dependent child ceasing to be a dependent child of the covered employee under the generally applicable requirements of the plan and a loss of coverage occurs.
What if he never returns to work? What will you do about insurance, then? Given you are self- employed, the cost of your healthcare insurance is deductitble.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
As it stands now I have to come up with $1700 a MONTH for Cobra. I have to continue this because DS will most likely need eye surgery in another 2 months.
Losing your AH income is a big loss, I think you could get help.
As for detaching, I held on for a long time doing the same things you are. I had to talk w/ AH daily just to see if he was sober, what he was doing, where was he going, was he staying on top of things (his responsibilities). What is he doing with credit cards? Could I use the car (I don't even ask for that anymore, I walk, take the bus or friends.)
There came a time I got tired of it, tired of the wondering if he's high and what he is high on, is he abusing meds or something else, tired of asking only to get lied to, tired of his manipulation, tired of his games, tired of his acting like he wasn't married, tired of looking at his bulging pinpointed eyes, tired of his conceit, tired of his excuses, tired of wondering if son and I were/are safe around him, etc.....
So I am detached completely right now.
You will know in your heart when it's time to get closer or time to totally detach.
Blessings,
NH7
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Chaos, USA
Posts: 52
Hi Callie
I'm in the process of detaching...there have been times that I thought I was detached but I wasn't really. For me it is a progress. Right now my AH was sober when he left for his mom's to watch her while his bro is on vacation. He called me last night and was supposed to come by today. I called him twice today to discuss some business matters but he doesn't pick up or return my calls so I know what that means. I don't need to keep calling or drive to his mom's to check on him. What difference would it really make? I would just be wasting gas and stressing out for something that I cannot change. This forum has been my sole support during my situation with my AH. I don't have time for meetings and only have time to check in online every now and then.
Your moment of detaching will come when it will come. It may not come all of a sudden and it may be a slow process. I wish you the best but focus on yourself and your kids for starters. You cannot control his addiction so don't even bother trying.
I'm in the process of detaching...there have been times that I thought I was detached but I wasn't really. For me it is a progress. Right now my AH was sober when he left for his mom's to watch her while his bro is on vacation. He called me last night and was supposed to come by today. I called him twice today to discuss some business matters but he doesn't pick up or return my calls so I know what that means. I don't need to keep calling or drive to his mom's to check on him. What difference would it really make? I would just be wasting gas and stressing out for something that I cannot change. This forum has been my sole support during my situation with my AH. I don't have time for meetings and only have time to check in online every now and then.
Your moment of detaching will come when it will come. It may not come all of a sudden and it may be a slow process. I wish you the best but focus on yourself and your kids for starters. You cannot control his addiction so don't even bother trying.
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