Do i walk away?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Denton Tx
Posts: 3
Do i walk away?
I just wonder what im doing sometimes. I love this man so much and i cant bare the thought of loosing him. He went to rehab in june and came out a new man, i thought everything was going to be ok. We continued to plan the wedding and im trying to be the most supportive fiance/friend i can be. Last week he drank again...it crushed me. I dont understand it and im trying to. He has shut me out and all we do is fight. I could walk away from this but i DONT want to loose him. I love him with every bit of my heart and soul but how do i understand this. Someone please help. ~Dawn
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
I am sure there are alot of us on here that would run if we had do overs! I saw the signs before marriage too and looked the other way. I thought I could fix him. Just got worse. Now we have a baby and its pure hell. Cut your ties and run.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
When you were a little girl and you dreamed of the the man who would one day become your husband did you dream about a pitiful, out-of-control alcoholic who loved booze more than he loved you?
If not, when did you lower your standards and why? Alanon and SR helped me understand how much I'd lowered my standards over the years and how twisted my thinking had become.
I hope you'll give them both a try and put forth a serious effort to understand how you got to where you are today. Welcome to the forum.
If not, when did you lower your standards and why? Alanon and SR helped me understand how much I'd lowered my standards over the years and how twisted my thinking had become.
I hope you'll give them both a try and put forth a serious effort to understand how you got to where you are today. Welcome to the forum.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by dawnb1176 
Last week he drank again...it crushed me.
"His drinking isn't about you. It isn't about love. His drinking isn't about you. It isn't about love."
He may love you very much. He may want to live the rest of his life with you. That isn't really the question here.
The question is: Can you be happy spending the rest of your life with him if he continues behave in the same manner?
You love him. He loves you. You're unhappy.
Something is not working in this situation.
He's been to rehab - he's heard the talks, he knows the ropes of sobriety. If he chooses not to be sober, do you want to marry him?
Take some time. Maybe you should hold onto those wedding invitations until you're confident that a life with him will be an emotionally healthy choice for you. Take care.
I'm thinking of you!
-TC
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I can't make the decision as to whether or not you should walk away. Only you can make that choice. However, I would advise you to seriously consider putting your wedding on hold FOR NOW.
He needs recovery time. You need recovery too. Please give Al-Anon a try. You may find that it works for you. The important words are "FOR YOU." I am sure you love your fiance. And I have lived with my AH coming out of rehab FOUR times and relapsing each time.
That is not to say that your guy won't get back into recovery. I can only speak from my own personal experience. And I was devastated the first two times my AH relapsed. Then on the third go-'round, I realized he had no serious intentions of doing whatever it took to maintain sobriety.
From what I've heard from the A's I've spoken to, the ones who get into recovery want it at any cost and cling for dear life to their sobriety.
He's gotta want it. You could move heaven and earth and he will not stop drinking for you.
That is something he has to do for himself.
He needs recovery time. You need recovery too. Please give Al-Anon a try. You may find that it works for you. The important words are "FOR YOU." I am sure you love your fiance. And I have lived with my AH coming out of rehab FOUR times and relapsing each time.
That is not to say that your guy won't get back into recovery. I can only speak from my own personal experience. And I was devastated the first two times my AH relapsed. Then on the third go-'round, I realized he had no serious intentions of doing whatever it took to maintain sobriety.
From what I've heard from the A's I've spoken to, the ones who get into recovery want it at any cost and cling for dear life to their sobriety.
He's gotta want it. You could move heaven and earth and he will not stop drinking for you.
That is something he has to do for himself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 73
Welcome Dawn
I just broke up with my ABF, and I thank God that I never married him! Breaking up is difficult enough, let alone getting a divorce, breaking up a family, spliting up a household. Please, please, please, read through some of the posts on here. Read about the people who are married to an A or are trying to get out of a marriage to an A. It is so very difficult and so very heartbreaking.
I loved my ABF with all my heart also, and I didn't understand alcoholism either. I thought that if I could just be nice, sweet, understanding and love him enough that he would stop. Now, I understand alcoholism and know I cannot ever stop him from drinking - he will have to be the one to do that. I did not cause it, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it.
Please get as informed as possible on alcoholism; read the posts here; read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie; attend an Al-Anon meeting. Get informed and THEN decide if you still want to marry him.
I just broke up with my ABF, and I thank God that I never married him! Breaking up is difficult enough, let alone getting a divorce, breaking up a family, spliting up a household. Please, please, please, read through some of the posts on here. Read about the people who are married to an A or are trying to get out of a marriage to an A. It is so very difficult and so very heartbreaking.
I loved my ABF with all my heart also, and I didn't understand alcoholism either. I thought that if I could just be nice, sweet, understanding and love him enough that he would stop. Now, I understand alcoholism and know I cannot ever stop him from drinking - he will have to be the one to do that. I did not cause it, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it.
Please get as informed as possible on alcoholism; read the posts here; read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie; attend an Al-Anon meeting. Get informed and THEN decide if you still want to marry him.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
