believer62

My partner has been a closet alcoholic for around 4-years now (I think) but over the last few weeks it has become that she is drinking every day. This weekend we've had several irrelevant 'incidents' which she either blames me for or says 'how can you expect me to remember everything that happened yesterday?' - i.e. she's now suffering from serious memory loss. She's just gone out now on an excuse and I know she's buying another bottle of wine. If she's drinking 70 units a week I fear that her health is going to fail very soon - and she doesn't exactly have a great health history in general (although some of that could be down to some previous alcoholism, I don't know). I feel powerless to stop this as she's still in denial that anything is happening at all - and I feel so relieved at getting her back sober (when she is the lovely caring soul I married 11 years ago) that I'm reluctant to drag her down with trying to talk about the drinking. How long can she last consuming this much *every day* ?

Chrysalis123

My first thought after reading your post was not how long can she last drinking like that, but how long can YOU last with her drinking like that?

I don't know how long she can last. I wonder why it is OK for you to allow her to treat you as she does? You know, the blaming, lying, "forgotten" promises, and actual forgotten incidents, the denial etc., etc, etc.

You have found a treasure of a website here and it contains many stories exactly like yours. Please read around, read the stickies, and post as much as you wish. You are not alone as many have walked this path before you, and you are right that you are powerless over this...but you do have power over you. What is it you want?

August78

I am four days out of being the person you described. Four days sober and Itreated my partner just the way you're being treated for ten years. I'd been drinking for 15 years heavily adn I'm 30. You see the signs and you need to sit down and tell her your concerns. She might get angry but she'll still have to think about it. Explain that the drinking affects her, you, her family, her friends, her everything. Everything important to her in the whole world adn she could lose it all. I almost did. My fiance almost left me twice and when I realized I a realiationship with him and that I wanted to finally be respected by my family and be trustworthy to my friends my whole frame of mind changed. It was hard adn after drinking fofr so long she can't do it alone or cold turkey. I couldn't and am currently taking medication for withdrawl symptom but already my life is better, more colourful, more meaningful. I can't explain how wonderful it feels to not have something have a hold of me. You need to talk to her adn if she loves you she'll listen. It might not change tomorrow but you have to talk to her, drinking is like comitting slow suicide. Talk to her.

believer62

She still denies doing it. Every time we talk she pretends its me with the problem and denies doing anything let alone drinking. We talked until about 5pm today about all sorts of stuff - working things out together etc but by 5:30 she was blotto - its like shes doing something worse than drinking because it happens so damn fast. Yesterday was the same - I went round the corner (about .5 mile) by pushbike - she was fine when I left but in a mess when I got back 40 minutes later. She must be tipping a whole bottle down her throat in record time which sounds like it might become quick suicide. I feel like I'm hanging on desperately waiting for my local Al-Anon meeting to come round, but I feel frightened that the whole thing appears to be spiraling out of control and at alarming rate. What I want is dead simple right now - I want my loving wife back!

denny57

I highly recommend "Under the Influence" or "Beyond the Influence." Many alcoholics in the last stage have a decreased tolerance, so very little can get them very drunk.

I've also learned from personal experience that late stage can last a very long time.

Bernadette

Hiya believer62--
Sounds like you're really in a rough place right now.
She will continue to deny until she is ready to stop and face reality. It must be very frightening.
I would stop trying to get her to admit anything. You know what's going on- you don't need her to say anything for you to know the truth.
Maybe you can encourage her to speak to her doctor honestly about the specific behavior you're talking about?
It's so hard.

August78, congrats on your sobriety! That's wonderful. I think you shared a lot of good info. Just one sentence reminded me of something very important I learned at AlAnon-

You need to talk to her adn if she loves you she'll listen.

I learned at AlAnon that there was no point in measuring my love for the alcoholic or their love for me by their ability to stop drinking. In fact that is a dangerous and depressing road. I cannot love my brothers sober. They don't keep drinking because they 'don't love me enough!!" Love and addiction are best kept separate.

If I really think that love can get anyone sober than I am fooling myself mightily about the powerful nature of alcoholism. It is a formidable foe that will not bow to my love, or their love for me. Only, possibly, will it matter when the alcoholic loves THEMSELF enough to ask for and accept help. And most likely that help will come from other alcoholics, not me.

Believer I hope you can get to an AlAnon meeting soon!!
Peace,
B.

believer62

One thing I'm frightened of is that when she passes out she is literally dead to the world - I've heard horror stories about people choking on their own vomit (but I don't think she's throwing up much if at all) - anyone know whether these fears are unfounded? Right now she's passed out, and I'm enjoying a few moments away from the chaos.

August78

Whether people seem to be listening to you or not words and actions reach the heart. Everytime my boyfriend got upset or reminded me of what I did or said to him the night before I was amazed that he was still there and hadn't packed and left, I didn't stop drinking because he loved me enough, I stopped drinking for myself but it sure helped to have someone who loves me tell me that what I was doing was hurting them, and myself. So I truly beleive that if she loves you she'll listen even if just a little. Maybe she'll listen to herself more closely, maybe not. She needs help and she's lucky to have someone who cares who's willing to help. If she loves you and hasn't drowned all reason with alcohol she's in there somewhere, hearing what you're saying. When I was a wasted drunk up til five days ago (drunk for 15 years) no matter how hard I tried to drink everything away part of me deep down inside could still feel, hear and at the same time disreguard. You can't love some one sober but you can keep reminding them of how much you love them and how much you and they are hurting together. I heard my loved one and watched him cry adn walk out of the bar or apartment, and I chose to diserguard and drink anyway because I have a drinking problem, but I still heard him.

denny57

You know, I tried telling "my" alcoholic I loved him for 18 years. Guess he never did love me all that time :-)

I had to decide for myself what was best for me and I chose to not sacrifice any more of my own precious life on someone else's addiction.

I hope no one feels like a failure, at love or anything else, if the alcoholic in their life does not quit drinking. It does not mean one is unloveable - it means the ALCOHOLIC WILL NOT STOP DRINKING.

I like to look at it this way - if someone can STOP drinking because of something I say, then they can START drinking again because of something I say. I no longer accept that responsibility or burden.

Education was key for me. I could say the fears of vomiting in her sleep are unfounded, but what if that is exactly what happens? Learning everything I could, getting help from those who have far more experience than I - this is what helped me get on my own right path.

believer62

Went to my first Al-Anon meeting today - can't say that it was much help, but the fact that I went was a major milestone for me. Thanks to this forum I'm slowly starting to stop looking for bottles (no point, as I'm accused of watching her all the time anyway) and to start talking to her in as loving a way as I can about what is happening. She did say to me last night that if I'm miserable then she's miserable, so maybe I'm starting to get through slowly...

respektingme

believer62,

This is my experience. If you go to Al-Anon and if you continue reading here, you may find that there isn't much your AW has done or said that other A's haven't also done and said. And the worst part is, you may find that there isn't much you've done or said, that other people here haven't done or said. Nothing changes unless you change it.