New here and not sure what to do
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Join Date: Aug 2008
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New here and not sure what to do
I'm married to a functional alcoholic. AH has done very well in his career thus far, but his drinking has gotten more and more out of hand over the years. I fear that everything is going to come crashing down on our heads soon.
I got my hopes up a few months ago, when he did research to find the local AA meetings. (We weren't sure how AA would be, both of us being nonreligious, but we thought having the support would be helpful.) He backed out of going at the last minute, and finally admitted that he was afraid to go by himself. Since the local beginners' AA meetings are all closed meetings, I can't help him with that.
I have given up on giving him "talkings to". He feels bad about his problem, and will promise to work on it, but nothing changes. I've also gotten weary of the fact that he won't discuss his drinking until he's lectured me about all of the things that are wrong with me, first. Naturally, there are plenty of things wrong with me. That still doesn't make this my fault. And I have little patience these days for insinuations that it does.
Up until now, I have just tried to make my children's lives as normal as possible. He used to be out of town a lot. But the drinking is getting worse, and he's traveling less for work. I have the sense that everything is about to go to hell in a handbasket.
So, um, help?
Can anyone tell me what worked for you?
I got my hopes up a few months ago, when he did research to find the local AA meetings. (We weren't sure how AA would be, both of us being nonreligious, but we thought having the support would be helpful.) He backed out of going at the last minute, and finally admitted that he was afraid to go by himself. Since the local beginners' AA meetings are all closed meetings, I can't help him with that.
I have given up on giving him "talkings to". He feels bad about his problem, and will promise to work on it, but nothing changes. I've also gotten weary of the fact that he won't discuss his drinking until he's lectured me about all of the things that are wrong with me, first. Naturally, there are plenty of things wrong with me. That still doesn't make this my fault. And I have little patience these days for insinuations that it does.
Up until now, I have just tried to make my children's lives as normal as possible. He used to be out of town a lot. But the drinking is getting worse, and he's traveling less for work. I have the sense that everything is about to go to hell in a handbasket.
So, um, help?
Can anyone tell me what worked for you?
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
You just described the alcoholic in the lives of countless others. story is the same, just different name.
AA has nothing to do with religion.
realize that alcohol is warping his thinking and the normal course is to progress/get worse.
Don't take the blame game personally.
read the stickies.
accept the fact that no matter what you do, you cannot control the addict, so better not to go crazy trying to do so.
AA has nothing to do with religion.
realize that alcohol is warping his thinking and the normal course is to progress/get worse.
Don't take the blame game personally.
read the stickies.
accept the fact that no matter what you do, you cannot control the addict, so better not to go crazy trying to do so.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 73
Welcome foggy! I'm pretty new here, but have to say that this site is helping me tremendously. There will be others on here soon that I'm sure will give you much wiser advice than I ever could. First and foremost, realize that HIS alcoholism is not YOUR fault. Oh, he will try to manipulate you, point out your flaws, in an attempt to take the spotlight off of his disease. This is an extremely common trait of A's.
My advice to you is to start by reading through the posts on here. You will see that there are many, many stories that are the same as yours. Even though your AH does not want to go to AA, that does not mean that you cannot go to Al-Alon, it has helped many. Begin by focusing on YOU, your children and what will make you happy and healthy.
Sending you lots of strength...
C
My advice to you is to start by reading through the posts on here. You will see that there are many, many stories that are the same as yours. Even though your AH does not want to go to AA, that does not mean that you cannot go to Al-Alon, it has helped many. Begin by focusing on YOU, your children and what will make you happy and healthy.
Sending you lots of strength...
C
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi foggy-
AA is not religious - that is a common misconception! It does use the concept of a Higher Power, but that is a customizable feature of the program -- meaning- once you understand the "concept" of a HP you could decide that your cat or dog is your HP!! Naturally some people in AA are religious, just like in the general population- but hopefully when you go to a meeting you have enough of an open mind to see how the program works whether you are religious or not - you take what you can use and leave the rest.
If he has the number of local AA and is scared to go by himself he can call and ask for a "12th Stepper" to pay him a visit and take him to a meeting. That's how my Dad finally went. And the 12th Stepper who showed up to take him was someone he had known in high school and he had no idea this guy was an alcoholic too. 12th steppers have reached the 12th step in working the steps of the AA program - and as part of their ongoing recovery from alcoholism they are reaching out a hand to help others find sobriety and recovery. Sober/recovered Alcoholics reaching out and helping other alcoholics get sober. That's how AA works!!
Whether he makes it to an AA meeting or not - you might want to give AlAnon a try. I know it turned my head around and gave me some amazing tools for dealing with the aftermath of my father's alcoholism and dealing with my brothers active alcoholism...Often there are AA and AlAnon meetings close by to each other...
Peace,
B.
AA is not religious - that is a common misconception! It does use the concept of a Higher Power, but that is a customizable feature of the program -- meaning- once you understand the "concept" of a HP you could decide that your cat or dog is your HP!! Naturally some people in AA are religious, just like in the general population- but hopefully when you go to a meeting you have enough of an open mind to see how the program works whether you are religious or not - you take what you can use and leave the rest.
If he has the number of local AA and is scared to go by himself he can call and ask for a "12th Stepper" to pay him a visit and take him to a meeting. That's how my Dad finally went. And the 12th Stepper who showed up to take him was someone he had known in high school and he had no idea this guy was an alcoholic too. 12th steppers have reached the 12th step in working the steps of the AA program - and as part of their ongoing recovery from alcoholism they are reaching out a hand to help others find sobriety and recovery. Sober/recovered Alcoholics reaching out and helping other alcoholics get sober. That's how AA works!!
Whether he makes it to an AA meeting or not - you might want to give AlAnon a try. I know it turned my head around and gave me some amazing tools for dealing with the aftermath of my father's alcoholism and dealing with my brothers active alcoholism...Often there are AA and AlAnon meetings close by to each other...
Peace,
B.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Belgium
Posts: 7
Hi Foggy,
I am new here too. I came out of desperation and did not really expect to find anything worthwhile. Quite the contrary, I have been helped very much by what I have read and by the responses to my own questions. (very similar to yours by the way.)
I came here looking for advice and found it. But I am a little reluctant to offer it. Instead, I will simply outline what is going on in my life and how I am dealing with it. Take what you like and leave the rest.
My sister and mother have drinking problems, among other problems. They will never begin to deal with the other problems until they get a grip on the drinking. I felt I could change them, help them, show them the way. But, unfortunately, I no longer believe that is possible, at least in a direct fashion.
It became quite clear, after reading so many posts here on SR, that this feeling of helplessness is quite common. That doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't even really make dealing with my sister's/mother's drinking any easier, either. But, knowing how common this is did help me realize how being consumed with another's problems can create problems closer to home.
I told my M & S that I loved them and always will and that I am standing by to help them as long as they are helping themselves. But I also told them I had to concentrate on my wife and kids and myself.
If only my mother had taken the same position when my father's drinking began to consume her. She also turned to drink. In my opinion, with perfect 20/20 hindsight vision, she should have protected us children with all her might and maybe even moved out. My father was only occasionally abusive towards us but we feared him just the same and never really respected him. Mostly he took it out on himself and he died young. But if my Mom had taken firm, clear but no less loving steps earlier, then perhaps things might have turned out differently.
for myself, I left home at 17 after dropping out of school with a 0.4 GPA. Everything in my life improved immediately afterward. Additionally, My wife goes after anybody tooth and nail that threatens our children. I know that if I were an abusive father/husband or if was clear that I was on a path that would eventually threaten her or our children, she would do everything in her power to protect the kids and herself.
The same is true for me, if the tables were turned. At least I would like to think so.
While I would never be so forward as to suggest what course you should take, I will say I hope you find the strength to make the right decision for your children.
As for religion and AA and AlAnon, I would not know. I have not taken those steps yet. But I will. I am an atheist and would not really care if other people find help in faith or in self reliance or whatever. As for me, I don't look for a higher power than my "self". I have not checked it out yet but I think SR has a secular section, too. Will get there eventually.
Hoping you find the strength,
Starsplitter
I am new here too. I came out of desperation and did not really expect to find anything worthwhile. Quite the contrary, I have been helped very much by what I have read and by the responses to my own questions. (very similar to yours by the way.)
I came here looking for advice and found it. But I am a little reluctant to offer it. Instead, I will simply outline what is going on in my life and how I am dealing with it. Take what you like and leave the rest.
My sister and mother have drinking problems, among other problems. They will never begin to deal with the other problems until they get a grip on the drinking. I felt I could change them, help them, show them the way. But, unfortunately, I no longer believe that is possible, at least in a direct fashion.
It became quite clear, after reading so many posts here on SR, that this feeling of helplessness is quite common. That doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't even really make dealing with my sister's/mother's drinking any easier, either. But, knowing how common this is did help me realize how being consumed with another's problems can create problems closer to home.
I told my M & S that I loved them and always will and that I am standing by to help them as long as they are helping themselves. But I also told them I had to concentrate on my wife and kids and myself.
If only my mother had taken the same position when my father's drinking began to consume her. She also turned to drink. In my opinion, with perfect 20/20 hindsight vision, she should have protected us children with all her might and maybe even moved out. My father was only occasionally abusive towards us but we feared him just the same and never really respected him. Mostly he took it out on himself and he died young. But if my Mom had taken firm, clear but no less loving steps earlier, then perhaps things might have turned out differently.
for myself, I left home at 17 after dropping out of school with a 0.4 GPA. Everything in my life improved immediately afterward. Additionally, My wife goes after anybody tooth and nail that threatens our children. I know that if I were an abusive father/husband or if was clear that I was on a path that would eventually threaten her or our children, she would do everything in her power to protect the kids and herself.
The same is true for me, if the tables were turned. At least I would like to think so.
While I would never be so forward as to suggest what course you should take, I will say I hope you find the strength to make the right decision for your children.
As for religion and AA and AlAnon, I would not know. I have not taken those steps yet. But I will. I am an atheist and would not really care if other people find help in faith or in self reliance or whatever. As for me, I don't look for a higher power than my "self". I have not checked it out yet but I think SR has a secular section, too. Will get there eventually.
Hoping you find the strength,
Starsplitter
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,696
Originally Posted by foggy 
So, um, help? Can anyone tell me what worked for you?
Can anyone tell me what worked for you?He still goes to work (most days) and we have reliable income, but the alcoholism has continued its ridiculous advance. After his first DUI last week he's now considering a return to AA (he, too, differs with the group's focus on a "higher power").
I have an excellent individual counselor, and I make it to as many AlAnon meetings as possible. They help keep me centered. Now, after a crazy year and a half, I am legally separating from my husband.
The best way that I've found to deal with the man I love's addiction is to view it compassionately from a distance. Living in the mess made me a mess.
Keep reading and posting - there's lots of good info here!
-TC
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pittsburgh PA
Posts: 79
Hey foggy, I too am maried to a hihgly functional alcoholic, He first went into full rehab 17 years ago. My son was 1 yr. old at the time. I then thought he would come out cured....little did I know...Well 23 years of marriage and now 2 children- d is 14, son now 18. That is what has truly been the whole eye opener of this whole thing...he still functions-he goes to work, (outside pharm. sales), pays the bills, lives in a nice house, does not get violent...just talks alot, a whole lot when he drinks. He hides it in empty plastic bottles, milk, juice water, you name it, I've found them all...very much on the sly-or so he thinks- however...it is his pattern-in the garage or his car. He has stopped before but never for long. When he has like over this past summer it was wonderful...short lived though and is back at it.He will not attend AA as he never could fully admit to his problem even though he was in rehabyears ago and I myself am not really an alanon person. Life just keeps going. I know this will kill him someday, or complications from other things (diabetes type 2, heart disease...?) but there is nothing I can do about him. I only hope and pray he does not drive and kill someone. When he drinks, his eyes are usually glassy, face red, and he just talks, repeats... drives me nuts sometimes...I don't even want to be with him...he does not even appeal to me sexually but I cave just because...it keeps the peace. He can be one of the nicest persons on earth and is a very caring individual. I know he hates himself for doing this but it has its grip and does not want to let go...I just continue to try to live my life as normally as possible. I have stopped him from driving however when I know he has had something to drink...that is where I draw the line. However I can't be with him 24/7. Peace to you. This is a great site for support and comments from other who share your pain.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
What worked for me was ending the relationship. Once I realized that I couldn't change my boyfriend, that meant that the change had to come from me. I couldn't tolerate my boyfriend's drinking and he had no intention of stopping. In order to eliminate the chaos that his drinking brought into my life, I had to end the relationship. It was the best moved I've made in years.
Today I'm happy and healthy and live the life I choose. By the way, there's no such thing as a functional alcoholic. Functional people don't need to be drunk 24/7 in order to cope with life.
Alanon and participating on SR daily helped me immensely.
Today I'm happy and healthy and live the life I choose. By the way, there's no such thing as a functional alcoholic. Functional people don't need to be drunk 24/7 in order to cope with life.
Alanon and participating on SR daily helped me immensely.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by foggy
I have given up on giving him "talkings to". He feels bad about his problem, and will promise to work on it, but nothing changes. I've also gotten weary of the fact that he won't discuss his drinking until he's lectured me about all of the things that are wrong with me, first. Naturally, there are plenty of things wrong with me. That still doesn't make this my fault. And I have little patience these days for insinuations that it does.
He drank.
He told me he had a "problem" with drinking.
He drank.
He took my inventory for me, telling me I needed anger management, professional counseling, blah, blah, blah.
He drank.
He told me he would go to AA if I got a full-time job, which I did.
He drank.
I finally came to the realization, and conclusion, that NOTHING I did changed the fact that he drank.
That's when I got busy working on my own recovery and got off his side of the street. He owns his addiction. He holds the power to seek help for his addiction.
My power lies in taking care of my own business and my own issues. And it has taken me four years to get to the point that I have peace. I let it go and handed my AH over to his HP.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,696
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
By the way, there's no such thing as a functional alcoholic. Functional people don't need to be drunk 24/7 in order to cope with life.
At first, it was difficult for me to understand my husband's problem for what is was, because I had a preconceived notion of what alcoholism looked like.
Still, as FD said, anyone who must turn to alcohol to deal with the problems of life isn't functioning very well as a person.
Make no mistake. Functional alcoholics who do not find recovery progress to dramatically UN-functioning alcoholics.
-TC
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I think the term "functional alcoholic" is dangerous because it makes people think they are "different" or "not so bad," that their situation is somehow "unique."
That kind of thinking keeps many alcoholics from seeking and accepting help.
That kind of thinking keeps many a spouse from being absolutely honest with their children about what the problem is, and offering their children help.
When my father finally got into AA he said he realized all those labels, all that "spin," was just more baloney to keep the denial going.
In fact-- once you accept that "Nothing gets in the way of their drinking," you actually begin to see the ability to keep a job, the paycheck, the maintenance of a respectable social face, as just a few of the deadly weapons this disease employs to keep the person addicted.
Denial is the big blanket that covers the family in darkness- once everyone in the family has shed that cover then it is only the alcoholic bearing the weight and the burden of their false face. If no one else is playing the "high-functioning" game with them, it puts the burden of that exhausting draining false face squarely in the alkie's court. Maybe they will be nudged toward reality...maybe! You can never have expectations, but being in reality is so much healthier for the family. 100%. Especially for the children of alcoholics.
Don't perpetrate the myth! Alcoholism is what it is - pretending there are more acceptable levels is willfully engaging in the sickening dance that has come into your life courtesy of this disease.
And always remember, for kids, who know nothing else but what their family has presented to them - the denial surrounding alcoholism provides free of charge: confusion, self-blame, pain, control issues, guilt, anger, magical thinking, perfectionism, depression -- whether the alkie parent makes it to work or not!!!
Peace,
B
That kind of thinking keeps many alcoholics from seeking and accepting help.
That kind of thinking keeps many a spouse from being absolutely honest with their children about what the problem is, and offering their children help.
When my father finally got into AA he said he realized all those labels, all that "spin," was just more baloney to keep the denial going.
In fact-- once you accept that "Nothing gets in the way of their drinking," you actually begin to see the ability to keep a job, the paycheck, the maintenance of a respectable social face, as just a few of the deadly weapons this disease employs to keep the person addicted.
Denial is the big blanket that covers the family in darkness- once everyone in the family has shed that cover then it is only the alcoholic bearing the weight and the burden of their false face. If no one else is playing the "high-functioning" game with them, it puts the burden of that exhausting draining false face squarely in the alkie's court. Maybe they will be nudged toward reality...maybe! You can never have expectations, but being in reality is so much healthier for the family. 100%. Especially for the children of alcoholics.
Don't perpetrate the myth! Alcoholism is what it is - pretending there are more acceptable levels is willfully engaging in the sickening dance that has come into your life courtesy of this disease.
And always remember, for kids, who know nothing else but what their family has presented to them - the denial surrounding alcoholism provides free of charge: confusion, self-blame, pain, control issues, guilt, anger, magical thinking, perfectionism, depression -- whether the alkie parent makes it to work or not!!!
Peace,
B
Last edited by Bernadette; 09-01-2008 at 11:03 AM.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 16
Thanks for all of the replies! I really appreciate the feedback. He drank enough the other day to make himself very ill, and extremely hung over the next day. (This takes a lot of alcohol.) He is now penitent and sad and saying he's back on the wagon. I'm not comforted, because this has happened so many times already. In fact, I am extremely irritable. I expect some drama over the next few days, as he goes through withdrawal, and suspense, as I wait for him to start up again. I'm going to suggest that he get a 12-stepper to go to meetings with him. The group support might help. It's hard for me to feel optimistic, but I'm not sharing my pessimism with him.
I haven't made my mind up about Al Anon yet. I am a lot more detached than I was when this all started, but probably not enough or I wouldn't be so crabby right now.
:
I haven't made my mind up about Al Anon yet. I am a lot more detached than I was when this all started, but probably not enough or I wouldn't be so crabby right now.
:
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Hi Foggy,
Welcome! Your story is so similar to mine. My AH was a 'functioning' alcoholic for many years. We've been together 18 years. His alcohol consumption has steadily increased over time till I couldn't take any more. I found this site which has really helped me!
If you haven't already, take the time to read the stickies at the top of the forum. When I first read them they made me cry like a baby. It is amazing and scary just how similar the stories of living with an alcoholic are.
I also recommend reading 'Under the Influence' which describes alcoholism as a disease. It's a progressive disease which means that if it isn't stopped in its tracks, then it will only get worse. It helped me see how my AH was progressing in his alcoholism (which again made me cry!).
Another book which helped me to change ME and gave practical advice about living with alcoholism is 'Co-dependant No More' by Melodie Beattie. I cannot control another person, I just don't have that power! I didn't cause his alcoholism, I can't control it and I can't cure it (the three C's). The only thing I can change is me! I stopped enabling my AH's alcoholism and put the focus on me. What can I do to make me happy - what do I need? This is a difficult thing for me to do - I'm not used to putting me first and it felt and still feels selfish! I'm the only one who will look out for me though, no one else will put me first, so how else am I to be happy? My current motto though is nothing changes if nothing changes. I have to make changes to me and my life in order to find peace.
I understand your concerns about Al Anon and AA - I am an atheist. I did try out one Al Anon meeting in my area but haven't been back. I find a lot of support here and am in one to one counselling and I read a lot about alcoholism. I really should try some different meetings but I just haven't had the time!
My AH is in alcohol counselling which is non religious. It has helped him scale the drinking back a little (so he says...) but he doesn't want to be sober. One thing I can say for AA is that it works. If your H really wants to be sober then he has nothing to lose by trying it out.
I wish you well foggy. You don't have an easy time ahead. Please keep posting!:ghug3
Welcome! Your story is so similar to mine. My AH was a 'functioning' alcoholic for many years. We've been together 18 years. His alcohol consumption has steadily increased over time till I couldn't take any more. I found this site which has really helped me!
If you haven't already, take the time to read the stickies at the top of the forum. When I first read them they made me cry like a baby. It is amazing and scary just how similar the stories of living with an alcoholic are.
I also recommend reading 'Under the Influence' which describes alcoholism as a disease. It's a progressive disease which means that if it isn't stopped in its tracks, then it will only get worse. It helped me see how my AH was progressing in his alcoholism (which again made me cry!).
Another book which helped me to change ME and gave practical advice about living with alcoholism is 'Co-dependant No More' by Melodie Beattie. I cannot control another person, I just don't have that power! I didn't cause his alcoholism, I can't control it and I can't cure it (the three C's). The only thing I can change is me! I stopped enabling my AH's alcoholism and put the focus on me. What can I do to make me happy - what do I need? This is a difficult thing for me to do - I'm not used to putting me first and it felt and still feels selfish! I'm the only one who will look out for me though, no one else will put me first, so how else am I to be happy? My current motto though is nothing changes if nothing changes. I have to make changes to me and my life in order to find peace.
I understand your concerns about Al Anon and AA - I am an atheist. I did try out one Al Anon meeting in my area but haven't been back. I find a lot of support here and am in one to one counselling and I read a lot about alcoholism. I really should try some different meetings but I just haven't had the time!
My AH is in alcohol counselling which is non religious. It has helped him scale the drinking back a little (so he says...) but he doesn't want to be sober. One thing I can say for AA is that it works. If your H really wants to be sober then he has nothing to lose by trying it out.
I wish you well foggy. You don't have an easy time ahead. Please keep posting!:ghug3
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
How true.
An alcoholic may perceive "working" as the means to continue to buy alcohol
while at the same time reinforcing the rationalization that they do not have a problem because they are working.
If I recall correctly, I posted stats about data that showed at any given time 20% of alcoholics are highly functional. That does not mean those same people over time will continue to function at the same level. They will deteriorate over time and the new recruits, earlier in their diseases, will enter the statistics pool.
The other side of the coin is that 80% are not highly functional and also deteriorate.
About being religious; I don't know if it helps since I know of Catholic Priests that held their hands on a bible and swore with slurred speech and high BAL they weren't drinking.
An alcoholic may perceive "working" as the means to continue to buy alcohol
while at the same time reinforcing the rationalization that they do not have a problem because they are working.
If I recall correctly, I posted stats about data that showed at any given time 20% of alcoholics are highly functional. That does not mean those same people over time will continue to function at the same level. They will deteriorate over time and the new recruits, earlier in their diseases, will enter the statistics pool.
The other side of the coin is that 80% are not highly functional and also deteriorate.
About being religious; I don't know if it helps since I know of Catholic Priests that held their hands on a bible and swore with slurred speech and high BAL they weren't drinking.
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