GreenEyedGirl39

I just feel things will never get better. AH is out of rehab for a 3 weeks. No one meeting. All of his promises of how life was going to be, was a joke. I am married to child. He comes home from work and sits on the computer with my 5 year old and plays games all night. Also "Big red flag here", he is staying up very late on work nights (2 am. Note: he is a pill addict who would stay up on pills).

I ask him to do things and it just seems this marriage is so freaking unequal. I know I am suppose to give him time to adjust to the real world, but dang, I am a sick woman with surgery pending in 6 weeks. I need his help. Also, he is texting this girl from rehab who I met and became friendly with myself. I see the texts as he is using my cell phone as he broke his prior to rehab. I think she has a crush and although I don't think he would do anything, I think he likes the idea of the crush.

I am trying to do all the right things. I am going to therapy, I go to my meetings and am constantly reading my literature. But that @sshole isn't doing a thing and I am sorry, I am mad. I feel like isn't it bad enough I got the weight of the world on me taking care of everything, my spare time spent in therapy and meetings and he just sits on @ss doing nothing. Grass goes uncut or he will go out and do the "front of the house only" and says he will do the back later, never does. Last night I made burgers on the grill. I wasn't feeling well and asked him to put the cover on the grill and one other thing last night. Didn't do that. He knows he has trash duty 2 times as week. Doesn't do that. I am fed up. I am having nightmares minimum 2 times a night, sleepwalking. He heard me wake up at 1:30 crying last night from a nightmare. (That is how I knew he was up).

Before going to bed, I told him all of this. I told him that I am upset with him. I remained calm as I told him. I said that I am angry, but that my anger is out of fear. I fear that his lack of doing his program and lack of involvment in the home has me freaking out. I am afraid to give him enough rope to hang himself and to have me and my son go through this again. I told him I am seeing signs that are telling me to get out. That makes me fearful and angry that I am giving him another chance. He got huffy and said fine, I will go tomorrow to a meeting. I told him I am not pushing him to one. But that I can't put on a happy face when he is letting me down.

I don't know. I am chasing my tail here. I know he has to do this on his own. But I can't help being angry when he doesn't. And then he wants to know why I am angry. !@!@!#!@# Uuuughh!



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Chino

What was he like before the addiction? Your marriage?

GreenEyedGirl39

It's been so long since he was clean. But he was responsible. However, that was before he owned a home and had a child. Too hard to compare.

hello-kitty

Your situation sounds so frustrating green-eyed girl. But not at all out of the ordinary. And very similar to many of the stories here. You can't make him be someone he's not or the person you want him to be. He's an adult doing what he does. "It is what it is."

I encourage you to repeat the Codie Version of the Serenity Prayer over and over and over... whenever you feel frustrated by his behavior. I have found it most helpful to me. It has helped me to accept that I have no power over other people actions, and that I am entirely responsible for my own happiness.

Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change
The courage to change the person I can
And the wisdom to know it's me.

GreenEyedGirl39

I just got off the phone with him. He is saying that he is "hanging around the house more" because of all I went through he wants to be there for me. (???) He said he see's me having the nightmares, etc. and is afraid I am going to have a nervous breakdown like I did 4 years ago. He said that he is afraid to leave my son and I alone for an hour right now until things calm down.

This is BS. I am fine with my son. We did fine for a month while he was in rehab and that was post him almost dying from an overdose that got him into rehab. He is manipulating because he is too lazy to go to the meetings. Once he gets home from work he wants to sit on his @ss.

Chino

Did you tell him that?

hello-kitty

You are right. He IS manipulating you. And if he's only going to go to the meeting to get you off his back, it's not going to help him any. I think it's bigger than just being a lazy @ss although he could very well be one. He's an addict. He's doing what addicts do. He's not done using drugs yet. He doesn't want to get into recovery. He only wants YOU to get off his back. He wants to use his drugs in peace.

This is a good time to focus on yourself and your son and the type of environment you want to raise him in. Draw some boundaries for yourself about the kind of treatment you are willing to accept in your life.

GreenEyedGirl39

Hello-Kitty has hit the nail on the head. He just wants to get me off his back. He is not focusing on his recovery as his former life of addiction is still to appetizing to him.

I think the problem for me is that I keep saying I am gonna leave and I never follow through. He knows I am sick and need surgery, so he has me by the "balls" so to speak. I don't have family and we are new to TX and my friends are minimal, just work buddies.