HELP! I'm a people pleaser!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
HELP! I'm a people pleaser!
Hi! I could use some advice. I am sick and tired of being a people pleaser! I like to call myself a doormat! I am so scared of people being mad at me or not liking me that I will go to any length to avoid it sometimes.
This morning I talked on the phone to a girl that I don't like for 1 & 1/2 j hours. All she did was complain about her life, but I didn't have the guts to tell her I couldn't talk. Not only did I not want to talk to her, but I am angry with her. When she asked if I was mad at her I said "Oh no! Everything is fine!" WHATEVER!
I want to figure out how to start being true to myself, stop being a doormat and stop worrying about what other people think of me. CAN YOU HELP? Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!:wtf2
This morning I talked on the phone to a girl that I don't like for 1 & 1/2 j hours. All she did was complain about her life, but I didn't have the guts to tell her I couldn't talk. Not only did I not want to talk to her, but I am angry with her. When she asked if I was mad at her I said "Oh no! Everything is fine!" WHATEVER!
I want to figure out how to start being true to myself, stop being a doormat and stop worrying about what other people think of me. CAN YOU HELP? Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!:wtf2
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I struggle with this....its a self defeating proposition, I try to please people, and then if they are happy with me...like me....it doesn't make me feel any better cause they don't know the real me 
I find it helps me to pause before responding to check the honesty and helpfulness of my reply. I will even on occations go back and correct what I said during a people pleasing moment.
I think the behavior for me comes and goes...but seems to get better as I become aware of it and deal with it as I would dishonesty in my life.
Thanks for posting, it's a problem for many of us:ghug2
I find it helps me to pause before responding to check the honesty and helpfulness of my reply. I will even on occations go back and correct what I said during a people pleasing moment.
I think the behavior for me comes and goes...but seems to get better as I become aware of it and deal with it as I would dishonesty in my life.
Thanks for posting, it's a problem for many of us:ghug2
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Jen you may want to check out the Friends & Family Forum where us people
pleasing codies hang out! May give you a different perspective-
Just a thought!
I have learned that pleasing myself first is the most important thing
I can do for myself in my life! It is a battle but a battle that I have almost come
to terms with! :bounce
pleasing codies hang out! May give you a different perspective-
Just a thought!
I have learned that pleasing myself first is the most important thing
I can do for myself in my life! It is a battle but a battle that I have almost come
to terms with! :bounce
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
Hi,
I can definately relate to being a doormat through various times in my life..
Being sober has definately helped and also age...
Today I can say to myself, "I just don't want to do this..." I no longer feel guilty...
:ghug2
I can definately relate to being a doormat through various times in my life..
Being sober has definately helped and also age...
Today I can say to myself, "I just don't want to do this..." I no longer feel guilty...
:ghug2
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
I think anything about ourselves that we dont like, especially certain behavior, can be changed by just being more self aware, like ananda was talking about. When dealing with others I just keep an eye on myself and my thoughts and try not to fall into old behaviors by catching them before they come out.
We all learn how to act in society by observing people around us, from our parents, then from friends, employers, strangers. I think most people know how to act in a respectful and healthy manner, we just need to do the best we can and if we get in a small confrontation with someone, act towards them the way that we would hope that they would act towards us, as long as we do that we can have a clean concious.
We all learn how to act in society by observing people around us, from our parents, then from friends, employers, strangers. I think most people know how to act in a respectful and healthy manner, we just need to do the best we can and if we get in a small confrontation with someone, act towards them the way that we would hope that they would act towards us, as long as we do that we can have a clean concious.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: St Ives, Cornwall
Posts: 2
Hey all, i'm new to the site aswell and can relate to you jen. i'm a 25 year ild male and drink just to fit in, this does not elp me as when i start i cant stop. i have now decided to quit drinking and be myself and stop trying to fit in and make people like me. i really believe that keeping sober and gaining self respect will really help, i wish you all luck with this i know i'll need it!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,465
Jen,
I was a people-pleaser too and I had no idea how dangerous it was. The thing is, when you put yourself behind everybody else, it eventually leaves you feeling completely empty. Oprah calls it 'the disease to please' and it really is a disease.
Take time for yourself. It's so important.
I was a people-pleaser too and I had no idea how dangerous it was. The thing is, when you put yourself behind everybody else, it eventually leaves you feeling completely empty. Oprah calls it 'the disease to please' and it really is a disease.
Take time for yourself. It's so important.
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Yeah I know what you mean.
Having bad health seems to be curing me of this.
If I don't say NO, when I need to, I really suffer for it physically.
The advice I would offer is say NO one cirrcumstance at a time.
Don't try and change your people pleasing overnight, you'll be disappointed.
Try saying NO to someone you really trust first. Family or friends. Then take it one NO at a time.
Somedays I am good with the NO's.
Somedays I say NO but also get abusive.
And somedays I forget to say NO but then I can always start again.
I think as long as I am headed in this general direction of not being a people pleaser, I'm doing good.
"Can I get back to you on that" is also a good one to say if you can't bring yourself to say NO.
Like has been said, awareness is the first step.
Having bad health seems to be curing me of this.
If I don't say NO, when I need to, I really suffer for it physically.
The advice I would offer is say NO one cirrcumstance at a time.
Don't try and change your people pleasing overnight, you'll be disappointed.
Try saying NO to someone you really trust first. Family or friends. Then take it one NO at a time.
Somedays I am good with the NO's.
Somedays I say NO but also get abusive.
And somedays I forget to say NO but then I can always start again.
I think as long as I am headed in this general direction of not being a people pleaser, I'm doing good.
"Can I get back to you on that" is also a good one to say if you can't bring yourself to say NO.
Like has been said, awareness is the first step.
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Hey Jakey! Start a thread and introduce yourself ! Welcome to SR!
Jen...
In my opinion, I think some people get hung up on the phrase "self-centered" and see it as a bad thing. I used to think that by putting myself first I was being a terrible person. Not true at all. It took me a while, but I realized some time ago that I will never be in a position to help others unless I take care of myself first. It's okay to say "no" sometimes. Take it easy.
Jen...
In my opinion, I think some people get hung up on the phrase "self-centered" and see it as a bad thing. I used to think that by putting myself first I was being a terrible person. Not true at all. It took me a while, but I realized some time ago that I will never be in a position to help others unless I take care of myself first. It's okay to say "no" sometimes. Take it easy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
WOW! We might have a woman vice president????
Did you hear the news? McCain picked a running mate for his presidential election. And it is a woman!
Name: Sarah Palin
Age: 44
Job: Govenor of Alaska
Children: 5 (ages 18 years to 4 months old!)
*Do you think this will help or hurt McCain? I am just wondering what you all think!
Name: Sarah Palin
Age: 44
Job: Govenor of Alaska
Children: 5 (ages 18 years to 4 months old!)
*Do you think this will help or hurt McCain? I am just wondering what you all think!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 353
Hey Jen, I'm not going to touch the political question, but I wanted to let you know that people used to walk all over me. I was shy and a people pleaser. With age (I'm 40 going on 25).. and more concern about what is happening around me and my world, I have learned to balance the two..
Good luck,
Heavy
Good luck,
Heavy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Yeah, I'll withhold my political opinion because I don't want to create an R/D divide here in our happy little recovery group.
But I think a lot of addicts and alkies have a problem with this. I know I do. It's all a part of the dishonesty and hiding of feelings that made me want to use. The more I do it, the more I feel frustrated, begin to hate myself, and want to use. Resentment pile on every time I do something I really don't want to or feel that I shouldn't have to for someone, and we all know, resentments are a killer.
It's like when you lend money. You end up hating the person you lent it to when you really intended to help them out. Better off not even lending it in the first place.
KJ
But I think a lot of addicts and alkies have a problem with this. I know I do. It's all a part of the dishonesty and hiding of feelings that made me want to use. The more I do it, the more I feel frustrated, begin to hate myself, and want to use. Resentment pile on every time I do something I really don't want to or feel that I shouldn't have to for someone, and we all know, resentments are a killer.
It's like when you lend money. You end up hating the person you lent it to when you really intended to help them out. Better off not even lending it in the first place.
KJ
things as it is
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 233
People-pleasing stems from Adult-Child issues and co-dependency.
If we grew up not having consistency with our parents, we began to try and "read" signs and behave in certain ways to get the reaction we craved. If you went running to your mom when you were little, and you didn't know if you were going to get a smack or a hug, you begin to try to control the situation by acting "nice"...hoping to get the affection you wanted.
If these issues aren't addressed, the best we can hope for is behavior modification, which can be enough for some. But for me, I needed intensive therapy to discover that I was an alright kid, with sick adults around me. I now accept myself as I am at any given moment. (We are always changing.)
Now I am direct and don't try to read people's mind's wondering what they are thinking. If they can't tell me directly, the onus is on them to be more clear. I feel much more liberated, though I can slip back...especially around an untreated co-dependent.
My new saying is, "If everyone likes you, you are doing something wrong".
If we grew up not having consistency with our parents, we began to try and "read" signs and behave in certain ways to get the reaction we craved. If you went running to your mom when you were little, and you didn't know if you were going to get a smack or a hug, you begin to try to control the situation by acting "nice"...hoping to get the affection you wanted.
If these issues aren't addressed, the best we can hope for is behavior modification, which can be enough for some. But for me, I needed intensive therapy to discover that I was an alright kid, with sick adults around me. I now accept myself as I am at any given moment. (We are always changing.)
Now I am direct and don't try to read people's mind's wondering what they are thinking. If they can't tell me directly, the onus is on them to be more clear. I feel much more liberated, though I can slip back...especially around an untreated co-dependent.
My new saying is, "If everyone likes you, you are doing something wrong".
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 9
I very much see where you are at with this problem, I have always found I did the same thing with people and did anything to get an easy ride, it was almost as if I had big sign over my head that read 'WALK ALL OVER ME' as if I had a smell about me, almost as if I was a black person in the days of 1950's when white people thought they were inherently superior.
In the end something strange happened inside me and I stopped caring about what other people felt and I kept myself to myself then I found that people started to come to me as an equal
Its the old adage about respect yourself then others will respect you, but thats simply 7 words and doesnt take into account reality, for me the resolution came when I just stopped caring
I also understand now very clearly that it began by being treated as an inferior by my own family and whilst I have changed my friends I cannot change my family and forever they will treat me as an inferior so as best I can do I dont have any contact with them though sometimes its impossible and I still run into the old issues of being an inferior being with them and if I do not act like they wish me to then they look almost in shock so I still people please
So I just try to avoid those who will never accept me as being me
now this isnt good advice I guess to cut those out who treat me as an inferior but it was my way and it worked for me
In the end something strange happened inside me and I stopped caring about what other people felt and I kept myself to myself then I found that people started to come to me as an equal
Its the old adage about respect yourself then others will respect you, but thats simply 7 words and doesnt take into account reality, for me the resolution came when I just stopped caring
I also understand now very clearly that it began by being treated as an inferior by my own family and whilst I have changed my friends I cannot change my family and forever they will treat me as an inferior so as best I can do I dont have any contact with them though sometimes its impossible and I still run into the old issues of being an inferior being with them and if I do not act like they wish me to then they look almost in shock so I still people please
So I just try to avoid those who will never accept me as being me
now this isnt good advice I guess to cut those out who treat me as an inferior but it was my way and it worked for me
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,789
Hey Jen your not alone, I have learnt how to say no without being agressive or justifying my words and actions. I find that teh more I honor myself the more real help I can be to myself and others.
Kevin
Kevin
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