My boyfriend just told me he is an addict..(long)
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 5
My boyfriend just told me he is an addict..(long)
Hello,
Yesterday, my boyfriend told me that he is a drug addict (we're both male). I'm 25, he is 21. am not quite certain how to handle this...
I have never been very interested in drugs. I don't have a particular problem with occasional, responsible usage. My boyfriend, however, has had a long time fascination with psychedelics.
Two months ago, while away working on an organic farm, he let people talk him into doing some pretty stupid stuff, the worst being Ecstasy (three times).
I have been very, very clear over the years that that drug (as well as others such as cocaine, etc) are *not* acceptable to me in any way, and he promised me it would never be a problem. Up till now, it hasn't been. He thought Ecstasy was a psychedelic.
He had also been ordering "synthetic" (research chemical) psychedelics over the internet, which are legal in the U.S., and using those in an unsafe manner with friends.
As far as I know, he also has not lied to me about anything except this. But he did lie repeatedly about it over the course of 2 months. I asked several times what went on there, as I had a suspicion SOMETHING did...I just never would have guessed the extent.
The thing I am having the hardest time with is the breach of trust. Up until now, I believed whatever he told me without a second thought, and never thought he would lie to me like that. I'm typically a very good judge of character, and I am having a hard time accepting that I was so wrong about someone I (thought) knew so well.
My only personal experience with addiction is smoking, which I quit over a year ago. I have various alcoholics and a couple meth addicts in my family, as well. I know how insidious addiction can be, and how it can twist your thought processes. He had this idea that the E was pure, and if he could convince me that it was, I would be ok with what he had done...yeah I didn't understand that either, and he admits he has no idea why he even thought that.
I don't want to break up with him, since objectively speaking, I don't think he is a severe addict. I do think he has the potential to become one, but he isn't yet. (In retrospect, the warning signs were all there, and in anyone else I would have caught them, heh. I feel like an idiot.)
So far, I have said that he cannot do ANY more substances of any kind, and that he cannot be around them. I am uncertain as to the nuts and bolts of beating addictions, but that is what I had to do to quit smoking. I still can't be around cigarette smoke...
He got rid of the all of his psychedelics yesterday, as well.
I have also said he has to stop communication with his friends who still use them, an idea which he is resisting.
We are discussing NA or AA meetings, but he is worried people won't take him seriously. Psychedelic addiction is, apparently, very rare. There won't be any physical withdrawal, thank goodness. Objectively speaking, all he lost was a lot of self-respect and a great deal of my trust in him. No physical damage, jail, financial loss, or relationship loss. So he thinks people will just laugh at him.
Another thing he did was read "trip reports" constantly. I have said he cannot view or read those sorts of sites any longer, and he agrees.
Am I doing and saying the right things? Can anyone offer some advice or resources?
I appreciate any advice.
Yesterday, my boyfriend told me that he is a drug addict (we're both male). I'm 25, he is 21. am not quite certain how to handle this...
I have never been very interested in drugs. I don't have a particular problem with occasional, responsible usage. My boyfriend, however, has had a long time fascination with psychedelics.
Two months ago, while away working on an organic farm, he let people talk him into doing some pretty stupid stuff, the worst being Ecstasy (three times).
I have been very, very clear over the years that that drug (as well as others such as cocaine, etc) are *not* acceptable to me in any way, and he promised me it would never be a problem. Up till now, it hasn't been. He thought Ecstasy was a psychedelic.
He had also been ordering "synthetic" (research chemical) psychedelics over the internet, which are legal in the U.S., and using those in an unsafe manner with friends.
As far as I know, he also has not lied to me about anything except this. But he did lie repeatedly about it over the course of 2 months. I asked several times what went on there, as I had a suspicion SOMETHING did...I just never would have guessed the extent.
The thing I am having the hardest time with is the breach of trust. Up until now, I believed whatever he told me without a second thought, and never thought he would lie to me like that. I'm typically a very good judge of character, and I am having a hard time accepting that I was so wrong about someone I (thought) knew so well.
My only personal experience with addiction is smoking, which I quit over a year ago. I have various alcoholics and a couple meth addicts in my family, as well. I know how insidious addiction can be, and how it can twist your thought processes. He had this idea that the E was pure, and if he could convince me that it was, I would be ok with what he had done...yeah I didn't understand that either, and he admits he has no idea why he even thought that.
I don't want to break up with him, since objectively speaking, I don't think he is a severe addict. I do think he has the potential to become one, but he isn't yet. (In retrospect, the warning signs were all there, and in anyone else I would have caught them, heh. I feel like an idiot.)
So far, I have said that he cannot do ANY more substances of any kind, and that he cannot be around them. I am uncertain as to the nuts and bolts of beating addictions, but that is what I had to do to quit smoking. I still can't be around cigarette smoke...
He got rid of the all of his psychedelics yesterday, as well.
I have also said he has to stop communication with his friends who still use them, an idea which he is resisting.
We are discussing NA or AA meetings, but he is worried people won't take him seriously. Psychedelic addiction is, apparently, very rare. There won't be any physical withdrawal, thank goodness. Objectively speaking, all he lost was a lot of self-respect and a great deal of my trust in him. No physical damage, jail, financial loss, or relationship loss. So he thinks people will just laugh at him.
Another thing he did was read "trip reports" constantly. I have said he cannot view or read those sorts of sites any longer, and he agrees.
Am I doing and saying the right things? Can anyone offer some advice or resources?
I appreciate any advice.
Turning it all around
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 330
Welcome Draffon,
Thanks for your post. I think you've said it all and yes you are doing and saying the right things. You are putting your foot down and hopefully he'll listen and do what is right. You cannot help him. Only he can help himself. All you can hope to do is help him "see", and you have done that. Do not let him take you down with him! Prepare yourself for what you'll do if he continues his journey away from you. Stay strong and true to yourself. Prayers
Thanks for your post. I think you've said it all and yes you are doing and saying the right things. You are putting your foot down and hopefully he'll listen and do what is right. You cannot help him. Only he can help himself. All you can hope to do is help him "see", and you have done that. Do not let him take you down with him! Prepare yourself for what you'll do if he continues his journey away from you. Stay strong and true to yourself. Prayers
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Welcome Draffon,
Your BF is playing on a very slippery slope rationalizing his use of drugs.
I can assure you that an NA meeting would not laught at him.
If he has the desire to stop and feels he needs help doing so, he belongs.
Not everyone waits until the catastrophic loss begins.
I can say too that if he is risking his relationship with drug use, a problem is there. Obviously its a problem for you...but the question becomes "does he see a problem also?"
I found with my son when I made my boundaries about me, and not him, I was able to stand much stronger. I stopped saying "you can't do this" or "you should do that" and instead began saying "I won't have this or that in MY life"
The choice then becomes their's.
I hope your BF sees the light, and that you remian strong in what you'll accept in your life.
(((Hugs)))
Your BF is playing on a very slippery slope rationalizing his use of drugs.
I can assure you that an NA meeting would not laught at him.
If he has the desire to stop and feels he needs help doing so, he belongs.
Not everyone waits until the catastrophic loss begins.
I can say too that if he is risking his relationship with drug use, a problem is there. Obviously its a problem for you...but the question becomes "does he see a problem also?"
I found with my son when I made my boundaries about me, and not him, I was able to stand much stronger. I stopped saying "you can't do this" or "you should do that" and instead began saying "I won't have this or that in MY life"
The choice then becomes their's.
I hope your BF sees the light, and that you remian strong in what you'll accept in your life.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I totally understand your feelings, but I have a suggestion. Instead of telling him what he can/can't do, rephrase it to what YOU will tolerate..."I won't tolerate any drug use around me". This is a boundary, which is all about what YOU will accept or not. With boundaries, you need to have consequences....such as "if you use, I will do ......".
I am a recovering addict, and no one could tell me what to do or not do when I was using....well, they could TELL me, but I wouldn't do it.
By putting your focus on YOU and what you want from the relationship, you are helping yourself and giving him a choice..does he want to abide by your boundaries, or continue using. What HE does is really up to him, as hard as it is to accept.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I totally understand your feelings, but I have a suggestion. Instead of telling him what he can/can't do, rephrase it to what YOU will tolerate..."I won't tolerate any drug use around me". This is a boundary, which is all about what YOU will accept or not. With boundaries, you need to have consequences....such as "if you use, I will do ......".
I am a recovering addict, and no one could tell me what to do or not do when I was using....well, they could TELL me, but I wouldn't do it.
By putting your focus on YOU and what you want from the relationship, you are helping yourself and giving him a choice..does he want to abide by your boundaries, or continue using. What HE does is really up to him, as hard as it is to accept.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
I found that Alanon and Naranon were very helpful to me. Not every area has Naranon, so it is ok to go to Alanon. They are for family and friends - who are bothered by someone using drugs. You'd be welcome.
Was a great place for me to get information - support - and listen to how other folks handled things.
This would be just for you. Sometimes there are NA and Naranon at the same place.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Was a great place for me to get information - support - and listen to how other folks handled things.
This would be just for you. Sometimes there are NA and Naranon at the same place.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 5
Thank you for the replies. I will change my tact to "I will not tolerate X around me". I hadn't thought of that, but it certainly makes sense.
Today, he is now saying that he only has a "small" problem (it is getting progressively smaller by the hour, apparently), and that he does not need to go to a recovery/support group. He is, however, calling to see if he can get an appointment with a addiction counselor at the local hospital, to get some advice on exactly what he needs to do.
He is basically refusing to cut off contact with his drug using friends. All he will do is tell them that they cannot do them around him. But it is not just their use around him that is a problem...they constantly talk it up, and hype various substances they know absolutely nothing about. They are also into the psychedelic "culture". I am convinced this would develop into a problem, where he'd eventually be all excited about acid or something, and we'd end up like this again.
He doesn't see a problem with using psychedelics, exactly. I don't either. To me, the problem begins when it subverts your principals, and you do things for the substance you would never normally do, or interferes in other aspects of your life. He agrees this is a problem, he just thinks it is an easy one for him to beat.
How do avoid getting angry and saying hurtful things? I got very angry when he told me that it was only a small problem today. It just seems like textbook addict behavior, based on what I have seen from other addicts, and I don't want it to happen to him. I have already told him I won't stay around if he isn't doing something to proactively keep himself away from them.
Sorry for the rambling, and thanks again for all the replies.
Today, he is now saying that he only has a "small" problem (it is getting progressively smaller by the hour, apparently), and that he does not need to go to a recovery/support group. He is, however, calling to see if he can get an appointment with a addiction counselor at the local hospital, to get some advice on exactly what he needs to do.
He is basically refusing to cut off contact with his drug using friends. All he will do is tell them that they cannot do them around him. But it is not just their use around him that is a problem...they constantly talk it up, and hype various substances they know absolutely nothing about. They are also into the psychedelic "culture". I am convinced this would develop into a problem, where he'd eventually be all excited about acid or something, and we'd end up like this again.
He doesn't see a problem with using psychedelics, exactly. I don't either. To me, the problem begins when it subverts your principals, and you do things for the substance you would never normally do, or interferes in other aspects of your life. He agrees this is a problem, he just thinks it is an easy one for him to beat.
How do avoid getting angry and saying hurtful things? I got very angry when he told me that it was only a small problem today. It just seems like textbook addict behavior, based on what I have seen from other addicts, and I don't want it to happen to him. I have already told him I won't stay around if he isn't doing something to proactively keep himself away from them.
Sorry for the rambling, and thanks again for all the replies.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I think the anger control takes time...and a conscious effort.
I have to tell myself often that the anger only shreds ME to pieces, not the target.
There's a lot of posts here that talk about detaching with love from the addict. It took me a lot of practice until I "got" what it meant, and for me, what was first and foremst was to understand and accept that his behavior was out of my control.
Always had been, always will be.
But I can control my own life...always could.
As mentioned, if there are meetings in your area, its worth your while to give them a try.
(((Hugs)))
I have to tell myself often that the anger only shreds ME to pieces, not the target.
There's a lot of posts here that talk about detaching with love from the addict. It took me a lot of practice until I "got" what it meant, and for me, what was first and foremst was to understand and accept that his behavior was out of my control.
Always had been, always will be.
But I can control my own life...always could.
As mentioned, if there are meetings in your area, its worth your while to give them a try.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Draffon - so sorry to hear of your dilemma. I'm glad you are reaching out.
When I met my husband he smoked marjiuana. I told him I wouldn't tolerate it and I meant it. I told him if I ever found out he did it again I would be so out of his life his head would spin. 25 years later we are still married and no drugs, period.
On the flip side, my niece faced 12 years in prison (got probation) for using and dealing meth and now she's back in jail - after lying to me, the judge, the po and others for 2 years. She'll be doing some time this go around.
Based on these experiences, the advice I can give you is set your boundaries and absolutely mean them. If you don't mean them, don't set them. The truth comes out eventually no matter what you do, but boundaries protect you. If you watch, become informed and stay centered, you'll know what you need to do when the time comes.
And-- from watching my niece, you are absolutely right to require that he cut himself off from the drug friends. There is only one reason to have freinds who use drugs.
In terms of anger - I think anger tells you something is wrong and threatening to you. I don't know what you mean by "hurtful things", but telling someone the truth and setting boundaries may not be what they want to hear, but it can be the best gift you can give them. It is your truth and if he wants to have a relationship with you, he needs to hear it.
And I guess lastly, I think all illegal drugs are illegal for a reason. Mind altering substances are a very slippery slope. I'm not a total prude, but without some kind of boundary, people can slip into addiction before they know it. My brother in law started with weed, gradutated to ecstacy, went to meth and eventually spend 3 years in prison over it all. The whole time saying, I only have a little problem, I'm not addicted, etc. (He has a college degree and had a six-figure income prior to all that).
And I'll also offer that addiction is called a chronic and progressive disease - meaning it lasts forever and gets worse over time unless a person completely abstains from mind altering substances. I have never done drugs or been addicted, this is just what I hear from the counselors I have spoken with. So if this is true and if he really is an addict, there is probably no such thing as a little drug use or a little problem.
So - My hope for you is that you stay strong in your convictions, decide on your boundaries and have the courage to hold your ground (whereever you decide to set your boundaries). You will soon know what is more important to him. I hope he chooses life and love and not darkness and drugs.. And I hope that you find support for yourself. I know this must be heart-breaking on so many levels.
Good luck, stay strong and God Bless... Love and Prayers
When I met my husband he smoked marjiuana. I told him I wouldn't tolerate it and I meant it. I told him if I ever found out he did it again I would be so out of his life his head would spin. 25 years later we are still married and no drugs, period.
On the flip side, my niece faced 12 years in prison (got probation) for using and dealing meth and now she's back in jail - after lying to me, the judge, the po and others for 2 years. She'll be doing some time this go around.
Based on these experiences, the advice I can give you is set your boundaries and absolutely mean them. If you don't mean them, don't set them. The truth comes out eventually no matter what you do, but boundaries protect you. If you watch, become informed and stay centered, you'll know what you need to do when the time comes.
And-- from watching my niece, you are absolutely right to require that he cut himself off from the drug friends. There is only one reason to have freinds who use drugs.
In terms of anger - I think anger tells you something is wrong and threatening to you. I don't know what you mean by "hurtful things", but telling someone the truth and setting boundaries may not be what they want to hear, but it can be the best gift you can give them. It is your truth and if he wants to have a relationship with you, he needs to hear it.
And I guess lastly, I think all illegal drugs are illegal for a reason. Mind altering substances are a very slippery slope. I'm not a total prude, but without some kind of boundary, people can slip into addiction before they know it. My brother in law started with weed, gradutated to ecstacy, went to meth and eventually spend 3 years in prison over it all. The whole time saying, I only have a little problem, I'm not addicted, etc. (He has a college degree and had a six-figure income prior to all that).
And I'll also offer that addiction is called a chronic and progressive disease - meaning it lasts forever and gets worse over time unless a person completely abstains from mind altering substances. I have never done drugs or been addicted, this is just what I hear from the counselors I have spoken with. So if this is true and if he really is an addict, there is probably no such thing as a little drug use or a little problem.
So - My hope for you is that you stay strong in your convictions, decide on your boundaries and have the courage to hold your ground (whereever you decide to set your boundaries). You will soon know what is more important to him. I hope he chooses life and love and not darkness and drugs.. And I hope that you find support for yourself. I know this must be heart-breaking on so many levels.
Good luck, stay strong and God Bless... Love and Prayers
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 5
I want to think everyone again for their replies.
We've had a couple of long conversations, and this is what is going on...
He is going to go to NA.
He is going to go see an addiction counselor at least once, to see what he thinks.
He will not use any drugs whatsoever.
He will not read drug related internet sites, trip reports, etc.
He is also going to cut all contact with drug using friends, except for one. This comes with the stipulation that he cannot discuss drugs with him in any way. I'm not exactly fine with this, but I'm at least willing to see how it goes. I think this friend (who is not a bad guy), will respect his request to not discuss drugs or have anything to do with them.
Troubledone: Thank you for your kind words. When I said "hurtful things", I meant that I have been insulting and downright mean to him a few times. I've called him an idiot, for example, amongst other things. I normally never insult him at all. And I know this is because of how hurt I still am. I'm trying to not do it anymore, though.
As I said before, I am ok with occasional, responsible of certain substances (of which Ecstasy is not one), but that obviously no longer applies. Now my boundary is any usage whatsoever, and I will leave. I mean it, and I hope he takes me seriously.
Another bad angle to this (for him) is that he wants to be a cultural anthropologist, and focus on how different cultures incorporate hallucinogens and drugs into religious rites and other aspects of their cultures. He is highly intelligent, and was going to take chemistry and all that in school, as well. Now all that has been put into question, since I am not certain he could do that work now, which is rather devastating for him.
THanks again, everyone, for the support. I don't really have anyone in real life to talk to about this, so this has been very comforting. I plan to find the friends and family of narcotics abusers groups (if there is one) around here, and go.
We've had a couple of long conversations, and this is what is going on...
He is going to go to NA.
He is going to go see an addiction counselor at least once, to see what he thinks.
He will not use any drugs whatsoever.
He will not read drug related internet sites, trip reports, etc.
He is also going to cut all contact with drug using friends, except for one. This comes with the stipulation that he cannot discuss drugs with him in any way. I'm not exactly fine with this, but I'm at least willing to see how it goes. I think this friend (who is not a bad guy), will respect his request to not discuss drugs or have anything to do with them.
Troubledone: Thank you for your kind words. When I said "hurtful things", I meant that I have been insulting and downright mean to him a few times. I've called him an idiot, for example, amongst other things. I normally never insult him at all. And I know this is because of how hurt I still am. I'm trying to not do it anymore, though.
As I said before, I am ok with occasional, responsible of certain substances (of which Ecstasy is not one), but that obviously no longer applies. Now my boundary is any usage whatsoever, and I will leave. I mean it, and I hope he takes me seriously.
Another bad angle to this (for him) is that he wants to be a cultural anthropologist, and focus on how different cultures incorporate hallucinogens and drugs into religious rites and other aspects of their cultures. He is highly intelligent, and was going to take chemistry and all that in school, as well. Now all that has been put into question, since I am not certain he could do that work now, which is rather devastating for him.
THanks again, everyone, for the support. I don't really have anyone in real life to talk to about this, so this has been very comforting. I plan to find the friends and family of narcotics abusers groups (if there is one) around here, and go.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Hey Daffron ---
Here's wishing both you and yours good fortune in the fruture regarding life and recovery.....you've gotten some good suggestions regarding boundaries (what you will or won't accept) to use instead of using ultimatums (trying to congtrol others actions).....I do have one li'll question regarding one of your statements in your original post. You wrote.....:
"...He thought Ecstasy was a psychedelic. He had also been ordering "synthetic" (research chemical) psychedelics over the internet, which are legal in the U.S...." --- Well, Ecstasy IS classified as a psychodelic....and to what are you referring...? What "synthetic" (research chemical) psychodelics.....are 'legal' in the US.....none that I know of.....eh
NoelleR
Here's wishing both you and yours good fortune in the fruture regarding life and recovery.....you've gotten some good suggestions regarding boundaries (what you will or won't accept) to use instead of using ultimatums (trying to congtrol others actions).....I do have one li'll question regarding one of your statements in your original post. You wrote.....:
"...He thought Ecstasy was a psychedelic. He had also been ordering "synthetic" (research chemical) psychedelics over the internet, which are legal in the U.S...." --- Well, Ecstasy IS classified as a psychodelic....and to what are you referring...? What "synthetic" (research chemical) psychodelics.....are 'legal' in the US.....none that I know of.....eh
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I think you absolutely can be addicted to psychodelics such as acid/X. I tried X in my past (during my experimental phase,) and it was an amazingly powerful high. Probably the one drug I would become addicted to if I had continued to use.
I also think X is related to the amphetamine group as you cannot sleep after you've taken it--thus making the "coming down" period really miserable (at least for me,) and taking more X wouldn't have really made it better.
You also get waves of euphoria after you are "sober" at times--very subtle and they go away after a few weeks.
X is also one of those drugs that if you take it a bunch of times in a week, it loses its intensity. The X-addicts I know (and I know a few,) stretch it out between uses and probably use once a month. I know a guy who uses once a month on the letter. He gets everything set up perfectly, in a very strange ritualized manner. This is not "social" use, imho. He has made it clear that he will never quit, no matter what anyone says to him. I see that as a problem.
Even using it once a month, the high is never the same as the first. It's that typical "chasing the dragon" deal.
Your beau may not be an addict yet, no. It depends on if he can live without it. If he chooses to turn from it, that's one thing. If he uses "just once" and that turns into binges or turns into him always using for the rest of his life. I guess only he will know.
You telling him what you will and will not tolerate is normal and healthy. Whether or not he's an addict, he's engaging in something that could turn potentially ugly and something that you are extremely uncomfortable with.
:ghug
I also think X is related to the amphetamine group as you cannot sleep after you've taken it--thus making the "coming down" period really miserable (at least for me,) and taking more X wouldn't have really made it better.
You also get waves of euphoria after you are "sober" at times--very subtle and they go away after a few weeks.
X is also one of those drugs that if you take it a bunch of times in a week, it loses its intensity. The X-addicts I know (and I know a few,) stretch it out between uses and probably use once a month. I know a guy who uses once a month on the letter. He gets everything set up perfectly, in a very strange ritualized manner. This is not "social" use, imho. He has made it clear that he will never quit, no matter what anyone says to him. I see that as a problem.
Even using it once a month, the high is never the same as the first. It's that typical "chasing the dragon" deal.
Your beau may not be an addict yet, no. It depends on if he can live without it. If he chooses to turn from it, that's one thing. If he uses "just once" and that turns into binges or turns into him always using for the rest of his life. I guess only he will know.
You telling him what you will and will not tolerate is normal and healthy. Whether or not he's an addict, he's engaging in something that could turn potentially ugly and something that you are extremely uncomfortable with.
:ghug
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