Are we all A's in disguise?
believer
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Are we all A's in disguise?
I just finished reading Dop's post on WIR, which made me want to cry, b/c I've felt that way at various times in my life.
I do not have a drinking problem, mostly I think b/c I'm terrified that it might be all too easy to develop one. My brother shares the same fear, but unlike me he completely abstains from all mind-altering substances. You'd have a hard time getting him to take an aspirin! I drink, but I have these rules: Don't drink alone and don't drink when I'm angry or depressed. I enjoy drinking socially and it's been ages since I've actually been drunk. I don't enjoy the feeling of being hungover and these days I've been in a pretty good place, so I haven't felt the need to try to escape life.
But that hasn't always been the case. There have been times when I've struggled to keep from going to the store b/c I wanted a drink but knew I wasn't in a good place emotionally. There were times when I convinced myself that it would be ok to have a drink, that I don't have a problem, but felt guilty about it and didn't go overboard. But the times when I chose not to drink, it seems I couldn't think of anything else but getting that drink. Some days I feel like mentally I have an addiction b/c my attitude toward drinking has never been completely casual. It seems that every time I pick up a drink I suffer various forms of guilt, from miniscule to huge.
Do any of you ACOA's have similar issues? Were you ever scared of following in your parent's footsteps? How do you deal with it and has it ever been a potential problem for you?
I do not have a drinking problem, mostly I think b/c I'm terrified that it might be all too easy to develop one. My brother shares the same fear, but unlike me he completely abstains from all mind-altering substances. You'd have a hard time getting him to take an aspirin! I drink, but I have these rules: Don't drink alone and don't drink when I'm angry or depressed. I enjoy drinking socially and it's been ages since I've actually been drunk. I don't enjoy the feeling of being hungover and these days I've been in a pretty good place, so I haven't felt the need to try to escape life.
But that hasn't always been the case. There have been times when I've struggled to keep from going to the store b/c I wanted a drink but knew I wasn't in a good place emotionally. There were times when I convinced myself that it would be ok to have a drink, that I don't have a problem, but felt guilty about it and didn't go overboard. But the times when I chose not to drink, it seems I couldn't think of anything else but getting that drink. Some days I feel like mentally I have an addiction b/c my attitude toward drinking has never been completely casual. It seems that every time I pick up a drink I suffer various forms of guilt, from miniscule to huge.
Do any of you ACOA's have similar issues? Were you ever scared of following in your parent's footsteps? How do you deal with it and has it ever been a potential problem for you?
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Ohio, US
Posts: 50
Hey--
I have never drank anything minus once tasting wine or accidentally taking a drink of my dad's whiskey and pepsi mixture.
Right now my reasons are-I'm still underage. I don't know how I will do once I turn 21. My fiancee has never tasted alcohol and wants me to follow his example. I probably will.
Yes, I am terrified that if I ever drink I will become an alcoholic. I know that it is possible that I won't, my mother is the child of an alcoholic, but never became addicted. She used to love to drink beer with pizza, wine with pasta, or a margarita with mexican, but now she doesn't drink anything so she can be a support to my dad. She had no problem stopping drinking, but my dad only made it a little over a month. We had a family event last night at our house and everyone drank. So apparently he felt that he could do. I really feel like he let us all down. He is a control freak and I guess he thought that he could handle it. Now he is going to become a big jerk again. I am not exited.
I have no idea if I would be unaffected, so at this point I have chosen not to touch the stuff. Both of my grandfathers were addicted abusers and my dad is also. My sister drinks wine every now and then and they keep beer in the fridge for her husbands friends. She is terribly ashamed of it, but doesn't see the harm of it either. I know she won't become an alcoholic, she doesn't like the feeling of not beinng in complete control of herself. I just don't know about me. I also worry about my little brother. He is only 13, but doesn't have a problem with drinking. I know, it's the codependent in me that worries.
Well, this is longer than I planned, and I don't know if any of it makes any sense, but I guess I just wanted to say that I know where you are coming from, and I have the same concerns. Love you buches.
--Ångel
I have never drank anything minus once tasting wine or accidentally taking a drink of my dad's whiskey and pepsi mixture.
Right now my reasons are-I'm still underage. I don't know how I will do once I turn 21. My fiancee has never tasted alcohol and wants me to follow his example. I probably will.
Yes, I am terrified that if I ever drink I will become an alcoholic. I know that it is possible that I won't, my mother is the child of an alcoholic, but never became addicted. She used to love to drink beer with pizza, wine with pasta, or a margarita with mexican, but now she doesn't drink anything so she can be a support to my dad. She had no problem stopping drinking, but my dad only made it a little over a month. We had a family event last night at our house and everyone drank. So apparently he felt that he could do. I really feel like he let us all down. He is a control freak and I guess he thought that he could handle it. Now he is going to become a big jerk again. I am not exited.
I have no idea if I would be unaffected, so at this point I have chosen not to touch the stuff. Both of my grandfathers were addicted abusers and my dad is also. My sister drinks wine every now and then and they keep beer in the fridge for her husbands friends. She is terribly ashamed of it, but doesn't see the harm of it either. I know she won't become an alcoholic, she doesn't like the feeling of not beinng in complete control of herself. I just don't know about me. I also worry about my little brother. He is only 13, but doesn't have a problem with drinking. I know, it's the codependent in me that worries.
Well, this is longer than I planned, and I don't know if any of it makes any sense, but I guess I just wanted to say that I know where you are coming from, and I have the same concerns. Love you buches.
--Ångel
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Journey,
More and more I think codependence is the flip side of addiction. I do drink...more than some and less than others. I rarely get drunk because like you who needs the hang over. I find when I am really tense or depressed the LAST thing I need is a drink. When my daughter in law died I didn't have a drink for at least 3 months. All it would do is cause me is cry.
Also the fact of the matter is that Ward drinks and life sometimes is a bit easier if we are at least somewhere near the same altitude.
I do sometimes think that it could be a potential problem if left un checked. When the Beav started going haywire I quit for a year...maybe I was wondering myself if it was a problem or was I setting a bad example. It is funny...it was no problem for me. Ward is the one who had the problem...he HATED it!!! Wierd!
Hugs,
JT
More and more I think codependence is the flip side of addiction. I do drink...more than some and less than others. I rarely get drunk because like you who needs the hang over. I find when I am really tense or depressed the LAST thing I need is a drink. When my daughter in law died I didn't have a drink for at least 3 months. All it would do is cause me is cry.
Also the fact of the matter is that Ward drinks and life sometimes is a bit easier if we are at least somewhere near the same altitude.
I do sometimes think that it could be a potential problem if left un checked. When the Beav started going haywire I quit for a year...maybe I was wondering myself if it was a problem or was I setting a bad example. It is funny...it was no problem for me. Ward is the one who had the problem...he HATED it!!! Wierd!
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Tropical Island
Posts: 76
No I don't believe all ACoA's are potential alcoholics.
I do however tend to believe that our dysfunctional childhood can manifest itself in other ways........Codependency or neurosis for example.
During my childhood and teenage years I was determined I was never going to become an alcoholic........I enjoyed an occasional drink and had no guilt or fears about doing so......
But having experienced the misery of my alcoholic father I swore to myself I was never going to follow in his footsteps........alcoholics were weak minded and irresponsible........I was strong and independent and I could never fall victim to such a lowly condition.
Twenty years of alcoholic drinking has humbled me and changed the way i think about my father.
I do struggle with guilt and shame especially when it comes to relationships with my family.
My guilt and shame is of a different nature though.It stems from the belief that nothing I did was ever going to be good enough and that as the older more "responsible" member of my family....... I have failed.
Even now as I am writing this I am overshadowed with a sense of guilt because my mother has just had a stroke and I am ashamed that I have not provided for her well being.
I don't even know where my shame and guilt comes from........some of it probably comes from being told by my parents ...."YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!" because I expressed anger or made the mistake of asking for something.
If anybody reads this please don't ever tell your children they should be ashamed of themself........because they just might....
Mostly I think my shame and guilt comes from the unrealistic expectations I placed on myself......... I would take up the slack of my alcoholic father,I would be the provider and take care of my mom and younger siblings,I would keep the family together..........unfortunately with all my grandiosity I was not equal to the task that I had taken on myself............with my alcoholic predisposition and the high level of dysfuntionalism in my family,I was destined to fail......
Today I am learning that I am not responsible for my family's pain.
Journey I hope I have not highjacked your post or strayed too far from the point....if I did I am sorry.......
I do however tend to believe that our dysfunctional childhood can manifest itself in other ways........Codependency or neurosis for example.
During my childhood and teenage years I was determined I was never going to become an alcoholic........I enjoyed an occasional drink and had no guilt or fears about doing so......
But having experienced the misery of my alcoholic father I swore to myself I was never going to follow in his footsteps........alcoholics were weak minded and irresponsible........I was strong and independent and I could never fall victim to such a lowly condition.
Twenty years of alcoholic drinking has humbled me and changed the way i think about my father.
I do struggle with guilt and shame especially when it comes to relationships with my family.
My guilt and shame is of a different nature though.It stems from the belief that nothing I did was ever going to be good enough and that as the older more "responsible" member of my family....... I have failed.
Even now as I am writing this I am overshadowed with a sense of guilt because my mother has just had a stroke and I am ashamed that I have not provided for her well being.
I don't even know where my shame and guilt comes from........some of it probably comes from being told by my parents ...."YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!" because I expressed anger or made the mistake of asking for something.
If anybody reads this please don't ever tell your children they should be ashamed of themself........because they just might....
Mostly I think my shame and guilt comes from the unrealistic expectations I placed on myself......... I would take up the slack of my alcoholic father,I would be the provider and take care of my mom and younger siblings,I would keep the family together..........unfortunately with all my grandiosity I was not equal to the task that I had taken on myself............with my alcoholic predisposition and the high level of dysfuntionalism in my family,I was destined to fail......
Today I am learning that I am not responsible for my family's pain.
Journey I hope I have not highjacked your post or strayed too far from the point....if I did I am sorry.......
believer
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
(((((((((Tiro)))))))))
No need to apologize at all! What you said made a lot of sense and I agree completely - if you tell a child they are doomed to fail, more than likely they will....
All of you guys make a lot of sense and I guess I probably shouldn't be so hard on myself. I don't have a drinking problem, but b/c of my upbringing and genetics, it's probably good that I'm conscious of the fact that I could have one....
No need to apologize at all! What you said made a lot of sense and I agree completely - if you tell a child they are doomed to fail, more than likely they will....
All of you guys make a lot of sense and I guess I probably shouldn't be so hard on myself. I don't have a drinking problem, but b/c of my upbringing and genetics, it's probably good that I'm conscious of the fact that I could have one....
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: walking down a happier trail
Posts: 50
when I was younger I had a problem with drug and alcohol... I was having way to much fun... then one day it struck me that I didnt want to live that way anymore... I didnt want to be like my grandmother, my stepfather or anyone else that I had watched drink themselves to stupidity... Then I married the beer guy... At first I didnt realize that he was my stepfather.... I guess he was quite as bad back in the beginning... 2 weeks ago he was all of that and more.... But from my point of view I have drank with him before but more and more as time past in our marriage I realized that someone had to be responsible and sober... I got to the point recently (past year) that I couldnt drink if I saw someone else drinking no matter how much I wanted to.... The last time I drank more than 1 drink was new years eve... The hangover was unreal... so between the fact that I dont want to be like any alcoholic that I know and I feel overwhelmingly responsible for my actions and the needs of my children I dont drink...
I dont know if that added to what you were asking... I think that I am just rambling now so I guess I should stop
Love and Light,
Kathie
I dont know if that added to what you were asking... I think that I am just rambling now so I guess I should stop
Love and Light,
Kathie
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
I love this thread.
We have all been affected by someone else's drinking...and in many different ways. In all my years going to Alanon meetings this subject was never explored.
I went to my sponsor feeling ashamed that I still drank and she was great about it. We grew up thinking it was normal. We partied when we were young thinking it was normal. We met and married it thinking it was normal. And then we learned that it was not so normal after all. At least those of us who came out without becoming addicts ourselves.
I have often said I was intended to become a codependent...NOT an addict. There is not much that I have not tried and there are many things I have overindulged in but at some point with every one of those substances I stopped. I became afraid.
Not so with alcohol because I am able to moderate....I learn. I drank a whole bottle of wine once, threw up all over MY OWN bathroom and I have never touched wine since. I drank tequilla years ago and it made me think I could slay the world...starting with my husband. I stopped. I for one don't think that is what an alcoholic would do. I know too much...and my need for control won't allow it.
Hugs,
JT
We have all been affected by someone else's drinking...and in many different ways. In all my years going to Alanon meetings this subject was never explored.
I went to my sponsor feeling ashamed that I still drank and she was great about it. We grew up thinking it was normal. We partied when we were young thinking it was normal. We met and married it thinking it was normal. And then we learned that it was not so normal after all. At least those of us who came out without becoming addicts ourselves.
I have often said I was intended to become a codependent...NOT an addict. There is not much that I have not tried and there are many things I have overindulged in but at some point with every one of those substances I stopped. I became afraid.
Not so with alcohol because I am able to moderate....I learn. I drank a whole bottle of wine once, threw up all over MY OWN bathroom and I have never touched wine since. I drank tequilla years ago and it made me think I could slay the world...starting with my husband. I stopped. I for one don't think that is what an alcoholic would do. I know too much...and my need for control won't allow it.
Hugs,
JT
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
I for one don't think that is what an alcoholic would do. I know too much...and my need for control won't allow it.
I agree.
And for me and addict/alcohalic...I used to think I was MORE in control when I was high, I did not understand the difference like I do now.
I agree.
And for me and addict/alcohalic...I used to think I was MORE in control when I was high, I did not understand the difference like I do now.
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Groton, CT
Posts: 13
Wow! I'm so glad I found you all! I am an ACoA. I am married and 23y/o and I don't drink at all. I saw what it did to my family growing up and nothing good ever came from it. So I always knew that when I grew up and got married, alcohol would not be part of my daily life. I could not marry someone who needed to drink. Call me stubborn, but I just wasn't going to put up with it! So, my husband doesn't drink either. He did a little before we met, but he's in the military so it was kind of just an expected thing. He didn't even like it. But because it would bother me if he drank, he just doesn't. Boy am I lucky!! How many 23 y/o guys would do that?!?!
Don't get me wrong, all of my friends drink, and I am more than willing to go to the bars and clubs on a friday night...i'm just the DD! It works out well really!
It's funny though, cause sometimes I feel like my friends don't always understand why I don't drink. Someone actually got mad at me that I wouldn't drink a shot she bought me on my birthday. They think, what's the big deal? And while, it's not that big of a deal, it's something I'm kind of proud of now. My parents were both A's probably before 20 and I feel like by not drinking I'm beating it. It that weird of me?
Don't get me wrong, all of my friends drink, and I am more than willing to go to the bars and clubs on a friday night...i'm just the DD! It works out well really!
It's funny though, cause sometimes I feel like my friends don't always understand why I don't drink. Someone actually got mad at me that I wouldn't drink a shot she bought me on my birthday. They think, what's the big deal? And while, it's not that big of a deal, it's something I'm kind of proud of now. My parents were both A's probably before 20 and I feel like by not drinking I'm beating it. It that weird of me?
believer
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Fisher,
I don't think it's weird of you at all! I know a lot of people who love to drink and always insist on giving me a beer or glass of wine as soon as they see me! I think it makes them uncomfortable to drink alone b/c I suspect they have a drinking problem and if they can get someone else to drink along with them, then they won't feel so bad. But for those out there that just like to drink, a lot of them do think it's weird for people who choose not to.
That's cool that your husband chooses not to drink. Actually, you should count your blessings for marrying someone without an addiction! A lot of us ACoAs usually end up dating or marrying A's...
I don't think it's weird of you at all! I know a lot of people who love to drink and always insist on giving me a beer or glass of wine as soon as they see me! I think it makes them uncomfortable to drink alone b/c I suspect they have a drinking problem and if they can get someone else to drink along with them, then they won't feel so bad. But for those out there that just like to drink, a lot of them do think it's weird for people who choose not to.
That's cool that your husband chooses not to drink. Actually, you should count your blessings for marrying someone without an addiction! A lot of us ACoAs usually end up dating or marrying A's...
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
take it or leave it
I can drink or not drink, it doesn't bother me either way, I think I just don't have the gene to be an A. For me it was fun but not a need. But yes, I am codependent as all get out.
So - maybe a person can be one or the other or both. Luck of the draw.
So - maybe a person can be one or the other or both. Luck of the draw.
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Groton, CT
Posts: 13
It probably is luck of the draw!! hehe. I am not a codependent, and I honestly do not think I would be an A if I drank, I just make a conscious decision not to have alcohol in my life. Why even risk it ya know?
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Nanticoke, PA
Posts: 9
hey journeygal,
i know exactly how you feel. when i was still in high school i used any substance i could get my hands on....and amazingly i pulled out of it (thanks to the support of my bf)....and from then on i really just drank...i didn't get blind drunk everynite or anything...my bf and all of our friends would go to a party and most of the time i wouldn't drink...but every once in awhile i get in the mood to go and 'have a good time'. this past weekend i went on a brief binge...came home and got in an awful fight with my bf, who reminded me just what kind of genetic history i have...and that's actually what brought me here...maybe we are all alcoholics in disguise but at least unlike our parents before us, we can recognize it and seek help...
i know exactly how you feel. when i was still in high school i used any substance i could get my hands on....and amazingly i pulled out of it (thanks to the support of my bf)....and from then on i really just drank...i didn't get blind drunk everynite or anything...my bf and all of our friends would go to a party and most of the time i wouldn't drink...but every once in awhile i get in the mood to go and 'have a good time'. this past weekend i went on a brief binge...came home and got in an awful fight with my bf, who reminded me just what kind of genetic history i have...and that's actually what brought me here...maybe we are all alcoholics in disguise but at least unlike our parents before us, we can recognize it and seek help...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: missouri
Posts: 95
I have been through various stages in my life, like everyone. That also includes the use of alcohol. I drank on the weekends for a while, then I quit. Then I started up again. Then I quit again. Actually, I tend to run at the mouth a little and act a fool while under the influence, so I pretty much decided to stay away.
I had a counselor tell me to quit trying to define it, if it causes someone trouble, then they should stay away from it.
I had a counselor tell me to quit trying to define it, if it causes someone trouble, then they should stay away from it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: anytown usa
Posts: 24
I, too have gone through stages with drinking. There are times when it will be in the fridge for months and I won't touch it and then I feel like I want one but it's never just one. I am sick of the three day hangovers and the fact that I lose my good sense. It just adds to all the other dysfunctional behaviors that I'm trying to come to grips with. I like that saying antreeta that if it causes someone trouble, then they should stay away from it. Sounds like the plan. stompmom
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