How Could I Be So Stupid?!?
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
How Could I Be So Stupid?!?
All I want to know is how I could let this happen to myself? How could I be so stupid as to fall in love with someone who lied to me. And I don't mean, oh - he's so great, I love him.... I mean, head over heels, never want to be without you kind of love.
How could I have been such a fool? So blind? I feel so ashamed that I didn't see and now, I'm so in love with him and leaving is the only way for me to end this madness. I have to leave behind the greatest feelings that I have ever felt. I have to pretend that he didn't steal my heart and make me feel things I never thought or dreamed of. I have to pretend that he wasn't my best friend in the worst of my times. I have to pretend that I don't love him. How do I do that? I feel like this is a no-win situation.
I'm certain that he is using. I thought in the beginning all the sweet things he said to me and the testing of my trust really showed how great he was. I bought that. What is wrong with me?
I am so full of sorrow right now. I just want this to end. I know that after I leave it will not be over for me. My heart is going to hurt like never before. I know I am going to sink somewhere I've never been and I am so scared of that. I'm trying to be strong but this feeling is stronger.
How can I ever trust anyone again? It was really hard for me to open my heart and trust but I did it. I opened my heart up more than ever before and I trusted with every bit of my soul.....look what happened. I can't even trust myself to make a good choice.
I couldn't believe that someone could want me the way he did. It seemed too good to be true. I know.....things that seem that way probably are
I just thought God was trying to show me that it was okay to love and trust. I guess I was wrong. We connected on every level, it seemed almost cosmic. I should have known better.
I think I have hit my rock bottom and it is a long way down. I don't know if I can climb back out. I look up and the only thing I see is darkness. I feel too weak for this.....
How could I have been such a fool? So blind? I feel so ashamed that I didn't see and now, I'm so in love with him and leaving is the only way for me to end this madness. I have to leave behind the greatest feelings that I have ever felt. I have to pretend that he didn't steal my heart and make me feel things I never thought or dreamed of. I have to pretend that he wasn't my best friend in the worst of my times. I have to pretend that I don't love him. How do I do that? I feel like this is a no-win situation.
I'm certain that he is using. I thought in the beginning all the sweet things he said to me and the testing of my trust really showed how great he was. I bought that. What is wrong with me?
I am so full of sorrow right now. I just want this to end. I know that after I leave it will not be over for me. My heart is going to hurt like never before. I know I am going to sink somewhere I've never been and I am so scared of that. I'm trying to be strong but this feeling is stronger.
How can I ever trust anyone again? It was really hard for me to open my heart and trust but I did it. I opened my heart up more than ever before and I trusted with every bit of my soul.....look what happened. I can't even trust myself to make a good choice.
I couldn't believe that someone could want me the way he did. It seemed too good to be true. I know.....things that seem that way probably are
I just thought God was trying to show me that it was okay to love and trust. I guess I was wrong. We connected on every level, it seemed almost cosmic. I should have known better. I think I have hit my rock bottom and it is a long way down. I don't know if I can climb back out. I look up and the only thing I see is darkness. I feel too weak for this.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Stop being so hard on yourself. Negative self talk is very paralyzing and self defeating. You're human. Learn from your mistakes. And treat yourself with love and kindness. If you don't, who will!
The best thing about the bottom is that you get to stop digging.
The best thing about the bottom is that you get to stop digging.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
FS -I feel for you. People are allowed to make mistakes. I think it's called being human 
Unfortunatley some people are better at hiding things than us trusting people are aware of. I don't consider that a flaw, nor do I think you are stupid for being lured in.
I agree, you are being aweful hard on yourself. The only was is up. For me, (and maybe you) accepting is the hardest part. I myself am having a hard time coming out of denial and into reality about what is going on and what my relationship really consists of. It sure isn't easy and it hurts. Loss is loss and it hurts. Sorry you're hurting so much..
Unfortunatley some people are better at hiding things than us trusting people are aware of. I don't consider that a flaw, nor do I think you are stupid for being lured in. I agree, you are being aweful hard on yourself. The only was is up. For me, (and maybe you) accepting is the hardest part. I myself am having a hard time coming out of denial and into reality about what is going on and what my relationship really consists of. It sure isn't easy and it hurts. Loss is loss and it hurts. Sorry you're hurting so much..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
My heart goes out to you... I know how painful a breakup can be - especially when there has been so much hope in it.
I think you are asking good questions. I hope you can find some support to find the answers inside yourself, particularly, how to regain trust in yourself again.
The only other thing I can offer is this... Real, nurturing, life-giving romantic love builds very slowly. If you open up too quickly, you can kill the possibility of this developing (like prying open a rose). Dysfunctional men will press you to move faster than your intuition tells you. Healthy mature men will respect you for moving slowly.
The thing that makes us women vulnerable to the pressure of dysfunctional men is often (not always) some empty space or wound in us. If we can learn to love ourselves, get our own needs met in healthy ways and build strength, we gain the ability to wait the time it takes to let love grow slowly.
If we are not able to care for ourselves, we are prey to needy men who will use us.
It may look really bleak now. Now is a good time to start caring for yourself. I would encourage you to love yourself the way you would love a little child who ran too fast and fell down and skinned her knee badly. Console yourself, remind yourself of all that is good in the world, in yourself, and in many people and in your own ability to heal.
Give yourself all the time it takes to heal this wound. Grieve until you are done grieving, but pace yourself. Take a bath, light a candle, bake yourself a cake, call a friend - whatever is nurtuing and self- affirming. And most of all forgive yourself, you were doing at the time what you hoped was best.
And when you are not hurting so much, find places to make friends. Not necessarily men friends, but non-romantic freinds that can sustain you as you open yourself for romance that moves slowly. Maybe even a friend that comes to know you well enough to help you see your own blind spots (I had a friend like this and we saved each other a lot of grief by talking about the red flags we saw in each other's boyfriends)
You can trust yourself again. There IS someone out there for you.
Prayers for peace and strength...
I think you are asking good questions. I hope you can find some support to find the answers inside yourself, particularly, how to regain trust in yourself again.
The only other thing I can offer is this... Real, nurturing, life-giving romantic love builds very slowly. If you open up too quickly, you can kill the possibility of this developing (like prying open a rose). Dysfunctional men will press you to move faster than your intuition tells you. Healthy mature men will respect you for moving slowly.
The thing that makes us women vulnerable to the pressure of dysfunctional men is often (not always) some empty space or wound in us. If we can learn to love ourselves, get our own needs met in healthy ways and build strength, we gain the ability to wait the time it takes to let love grow slowly.
If we are not able to care for ourselves, we are prey to needy men who will use us.
It may look really bleak now. Now is a good time to start caring for yourself. I would encourage you to love yourself the way you would love a little child who ran too fast and fell down and skinned her knee badly. Console yourself, remind yourself of all that is good in the world, in yourself, and in many people and in your own ability to heal.
Give yourself all the time it takes to heal this wound. Grieve until you are done grieving, but pace yourself. Take a bath, light a candle, bake yourself a cake, call a friend - whatever is nurtuing and self- affirming. And most of all forgive yourself, you were doing at the time what you hoped was best.
And when you are not hurting so much, find places to make friends. Not necessarily men friends, but non-romantic freinds that can sustain you as you open yourself for romance that moves slowly. Maybe even a friend that comes to know you well enough to help you see your own blind spots (I had a friend like this and we saved each other a lot of grief by talking about the red flags we saw in each other's boyfriends)
You can trust yourself again. There IS someone out there for you.
Prayers for peace and strength...
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
((((fndngserenity)))) I can completely identify with what you are feeling. I"ve had my heart broken so bad one time that I too thought it would never heal. I know you're thinking that there's no way you will ever get over it. . . but you will.
I couldn't help but notice your screen name, finding serenity. Over the past 3+ years, I have discovered many things about myself. One of the biggest things that hit me like a ton of bricks was that my happiness was based on being in a relationship. I was so co-dependent that my self worth was based on the man I was involved with at the time. And when the relationship was over, I was beyond devestated. . . at times I have to admit that I was suicidal.
For me, I had to find the peace and serenity inside myself. I had to realize that I wasn't going to find MY happiness in another. I also had to accept that fact that not all men are alike, just like no two women are alike. It took time, but I slowly did begin to trust again.
I am also very much aware now of the classic signs of my own co dependency tendencies.
Hang in there . . . it will get better,
Judy
I couldn't help but notice your screen name, finding serenity. Over the past 3+ years, I have discovered many things about myself. One of the biggest things that hit me like a ton of bricks was that my happiness was based on being in a relationship. I was so co-dependent that my self worth was based on the man I was involved with at the time. And when the relationship was over, I was beyond devestated. . . at times I have to admit that I was suicidal.
For me, I had to find the peace and serenity inside myself. I had to realize that I wasn't going to find MY happiness in another. I also had to accept that fact that not all men are alike, just like no two women are alike. It took time, but I slowly did begin to trust again.
I am also very much aware now of the classic signs of my own co dependency tendencies.
Hang in there . . . it will get better,
Judy
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
Thank you everyone for your posts. When my bf and I got together, he didn't even want to be in a relationship. I was in love with him before he even let me in and in the beginning, we took it very slow.....for him. He was very afraid to let me in. He had been engaged twice and both times he was hurt in the worst way (I believe that's how he ended up like this. The pills helped hide the pain.)
Another reason he didn't want to be with me is because of what he is going through. He didn't even want me to know about it or be a part of it. I remember when he asked if I could settle for his friendship because he needed to accomplish some things before he even started caring about someone or be in a relationship. I should have respected that. We grew such a bond and love for each other as friends but we stayed away and didn't see each other because we didn't want it to go further. One night I was having a bad day and we went out for a drink and at that point......we couldn't deny that we had fallen in love with each other. Even at that point, we had taken it slow. We wanted so much to be together but this was still new to him. (and me) having someone there who actually cares about you. We still took it slow, seeing each other once a week and then building gradually over the coming months. Now we see each other three days a week. Sometimes more if its a long weekend.
Was really watching him lastnight and no wierd behaviors. Pupils looked normal. No itching or anything like that. I am noticing though that his twitching is getting worse when he sleeps. He twitched so much when I met him it constantly woke me up. Then it went away for a while but it's back now. I still believe he has been using. If not everyday, at least occassionaly.
He has such a hard time with love. It was hard for him to tell me that he loves me. He has such a hard time with that word. He can't even say it to his little nephew or Mom. Although, he has been saying it to his Mom lately. I told him Mom's need to know you love them. He has so much anger inside. When his fiances hurt him, they really cut deep. One of them had been sleeping with his brother and the other one with his best friend. He doesn't really trust anyone. He finally trusts me but it took a lot for him to see that he could. He has such a good heart, it is really too bad where he ended up. He has been to counseling but they always say they can't help him anymore. I said....it's hard to find a good counselor but keep looking. One day, you'll find one that fits.
My heart is so big as is his. I know my wants are not always Gods will but all I want is for him to find peace and happiness. When he does that, then maybe, just maybe he could beat this. But he will never beat it if he doesn't face the demons he's keeping locked inside. All that pain and anger is fueling this addiction.
Thank you again for all of your posts. I am feeling better right now. Got to love this rollercoaster ride.....(actually - I HATE rollercoasters, hehe)
Well, I will keep you all posted, thank you again
Another reason he didn't want to be with me is because of what he is going through. He didn't even want me to know about it or be a part of it. I remember when he asked if I could settle for his friendship because he needed to accomplish some things before he even started caring about someone or be in a relationship. I should have respected that. We grew such a bond and love for each other as friends but we stayed away and didn't see each other because we didn't want it to go further. One night I was having a bad day and we went out for a drink and at that point......we couldn't deny that we had fallen in love with each other. Even at that point, we had taken it slow. We wanted so much to be together but this was still new to him. (and me) having someone there who actually cares about you. We still took it slow, seeing each other once a week and then building gradually over the coming months. Now we see each other three days a week. Sometimes more if its a long weekend.
Was really watching him lastnight and no wierd behaviors. Pupils looked normal. No itching or anything like that. I am noticing though that his twitching is getting worse when he sleeps. He twitched so much when I met him it constantly woke me up. Then it went away for a while but it's back now. I still believe he has been using. If not everyday, at least occassionaly.
He has such a hard time with love. It was hard for him to tell me that he loves me. He has such a hard time with that word. He can't even say it to his little nephew or Mom. Although, he has been saying it to his Mom lately. I told him Mom's need to know you love them. He has so much anger inside. When his fiances hurt him, they really cut deep. One of them had been sleeping with his brother and the other one with his best friend. He doesn't really trust anyone. He finally trusts me but it took a lot for him to see that he could. He has such a good heart, it is really too bad where he ended up. He has been to counseling but they always say they can't help him anymore. I said....it's hard to find a good counselor but keep looking. One day, you'll find one that fits.
My heart is so big as is his. I know my wants are not always Gods will but all I want is for him to find peace and happiness. When he does that, then maybe, just maybe he could beat this. But he will never beat it if he doesn't face the demons he's keeping locked inside. All that pain and anger is fueling this addiction.
Thank you again for all of your posts. I am feeling better right now. Got to love this rollercoaster ride.....(actually - I HATE rollercoasters, hehe)
Well, I will keep you all posted, thank you again
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
