Getting my ducks in a row
Restoring myself to sanity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Getting my ducks in a row
So after months of lies and drug use and watching my husband spiral out of control, I feel like my one last chance is to do an intervention.
My mother in law and I both agree that we need to do this and the sooner the better. We are in the early stages of planning this and we really don't know where to begin but we do know that we need to get all of our ducks in row first if we want to make this successful. I have found a rehab facility that will take him. They have a wonderful program and if he will accept the help I think it will be so benificial to him.
Has anyone ever done a successful intervention, or maybe a not so successful intervention. I'm just trying to gather up as much information that I can, so that hopefully this will work.
Unfortunatly this will be my last attempt at helping my husband and saving my marriage. If he refuses help, I will have no choice but to walk away from this. I CANNOT live like this anymore. I deserve to be able to live in a house that is peaceful and calm and not full of chaos. I deserve to be married to someone who does not lie to me, cheat on me nor keep secrets from me.. and like someone said in a previous thread, I deserve for my Friday Night Date nights to be fun and relaxing, not full of anxiety or worry that he may be using again.
Even if the intervention works, I realize what happens in rehab is totaly up to my husband. My hands are tied and I can accept this.
So if anyone has any ideas for a successful intervention please shoot them my way.
My mother in law and I both agree that we need to do this and the sooner the better. We are in the early stages of planning this and we really don't know where to begin but we do know that we need to get all of our ducks in row first if we want to make this successful. I have found a rehab facility that will take him. They have a wonderful program and if he will accept the help I think it will be so benificial to him.
Has anyone ever done a successful intervention, or maybe a not so successful intervention. I'm just trying to gather up as much information that I can, so that hopefully this will work.
Unfortunatly this will be my last attempt at helping my husband and saving my marriage. If he refuses help, I will have no choice but to walk away from this. I CANNOT live like this anymore. I deserve to be able to live in a house that is peaceful and calm and not full of chaos. I deserve to be married to someone who does not lie to me, cheat on me nor keep secrets from me.. and like someone said in a previous thread, I deserve for my Friday Night Date nights to be fun and relaxing, not full of anxiety or worry that he may be using again.
Even if the intervention works, I realize what happens in rehab is totaly up to my husband. My hands are tied and I can accept this.
So if anyone has any ideas for a successful intervention please shoot them my way.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi jerect. Sounds like you are doing this the right way. An intervention may be the bottom for your husband or it may be one more step towards his bottom. As long as you remember that and stick with your boundaries, I think you will be successful, no matter what the outcome.
Offer the help and let him make his choice. That is a successful intervention in my book.
Keep us posted.
Offer the help and let him make his choice. That is a successful intervention in my book.
Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Wow, I'm going to have to watch your thread. I am very interested in how this is all going to turn out because my only experience with an intervention is on TV and we all know people act differently when they have an audience.
I will pray that you get some valuable advice and feedback. You appear to be very calm and approaching this maturely
Best of luck. I'll be interested in the responses to your thread.
janet
I will pray that you get some valuable advice and feedback. You appear to be very calm and approaching this maturely
Best of luck. I'll be interested in the responses to your thread.
janet
Restoring myself to sanity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by MrsMagoo 
I will pray that you get some valuable advice and feedback. You appear to be very calm and approaching this maturely
janet
janet
Right now, I feel like I have no choice be to be calm. Calmness is the only way that will make this intervention successful. Believe me, I'm dying on the inside but I can't let my husband see that anymore. No matter what happens from here on out, I know that I cannot and will not let my husbands addiction have control over me any more.
So this is in Gods hands.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Jerect.... nearly 3 months ago we did a professional intervention on my abf ~ in this living room in which I type this post.
And...... well right now - he is upstairs in the thick of withdrawals from his first relapse/run. He was relapse prone the day he got out- what he told himself was that of course he was going to! He didn't do it for himself - but for everyone else!
Maybe just MAYBE this relapse shows him that he does want this - the consequences he suffered were too great. Especially after a taste of sobriety.
I found the intervention to be helpful because it got EVERYONE on the same page... we learned just how much everyone was walking on egg shells not doing the truth about anything. It was like all these balls he had in the air dropped on him all at once!
It got him clean - but he didn't do the work to stay clean ~ which is the hardest part.
I do not regret doing the intervention -it gave everyone the tools with moving forward - as well as - at the very least brought my guy to the attention that he has gotten a hold of something that has gotten a hold of him.
Best of Luck.......
And...... well right now - he is upstairs in the thick of withdrawals from his first relapse/run. He was relapse prone the day he got out- what he told himself was that of course he was going to! He didn't do it for himself - but for everyone else!
Maybe just MAYBE this relapse shows him that he does want this - the consequences he suffered were too great. Especially after a taste of sobriety.
I found the intervention to be helpful because it got EVERYONE on the same page... we learned just how much everyone was walking on egg shells not doing the truth about anything. It was like all these balls he had in the air dropped on him all at once!
It got him clean - but he didn't do the work to stay clean ~ which is the hardest part.
I do not regret doing the intervention -it gave everyone the tools with moving forward - as well as - at the very least brought my guy to the attention that he has gotten a hold of something that has gotten a hold of him.
Best of Luck.......
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Speaking of calm....... I had that same feeling too - when his folks went ahead with financially covering the intervention - having their support - having the support from his friends too- it made me calm and feel less crazy. We finally were all communicating - instead of throwing our arms up in the air - it was as though there was a solution. It DID bring attention to his addiction.
The hardest part for me was that I was lying to him for the first time. I lied about where I was going (for the pre-intervention meeting with everyone)..... and about the intervention. It was the hardest part for me when the night before he asked me about my plans for the next day! I am a terrible liar... it literally disables me.
I still have not written up the story on it - but I intend to. But here is a quick round of it - he was woken by me to come down stairs and on the way down he heard someone cough. Ran back upstairs demanding to know who was in the house! I calmed him down and then his mom came up into the bedroom and gave him a hug. We all went down together - and proceeded to take turns sharing. His brother couldn't be present, but he did a video on a dvd and we played it. He was the most angry. (He had a couple of friends from the mountains and then his folks from back East present). His mom opened the sharing and I closed it. Meanwhile - he had gotten up about a few shares in and grabbed a stash of oxy's and ate them like m &m's (about 20 or so) over about an hour and a half (with out our knowing it!)....... and by the end of it - he was nodding and any fight in him that he had to prove that he was fine- went out the window. Although - he did try to fight going. Noone called him out on the fact that he was high. Then finally he surrendered and took about 3 hours to pack up. (Then admitting to me that he was going to go in sky high and that he had been eating them during the whole thing --------- DUH!)
It started at 9am.... and he left the house at 3pm. His parents drove him straight to the rehab facility and it wasn't until about the 2nd week in that he realized that he needed to be there - that he was in the right place. By the end of it - he was scared to leave. He felt safe in the bubble
I have been following your posts jerect..... and I understand all that you are and have gone through. I'll keep you in my prayers as I have been.
peace xo
The hardest part for me was that I was lying to him for the first time. I lied about where I was going (for the pre-intervention meeting with everyone)..... and about the intervention. It was the hardest part for me when the night before he asked me about my plans for the next day! I am a terrible liar... it literally disables me.
I still have not written up the story on it - but I intend to. But here is a quick round of it - he was woken by me to come down stairs and on the way down he heard someone cough. Ran back upstairs demanding to know who was in the house! I calmed him down and then his mom came up into the bedroom and gave him a hug. We all went down together - and proceeded to take turns sharing. His brother couldn't be present, but he did a video on a dvd and we played it. He was the most angry. (He had a couple of friends from the mountains and then his folks from back East present). His mom opened the sharing and I closed it. Meanwhile - he had gotten up about a few shares in and grabbed a stash of oxy's and ate them like m &m's (about 20 or so) over about an hour and a half (with out our knowing it!)....... and by the end of it - he was nodding and any fight in him that he had to prove that he was fine- went out the window. Although - he did try to fight going. Noone called him out on the fact that he was high. Then finally he surrendered and took about 3 hours to pack up. (Then admitting to me that he was going to go in sky high and that he had been eating them during the whole thing --------- DUH!)
It started at 9am.... and he left the house at 3pm. His parents drove him straight to the rehab facility and it wasn't until about the 2nd week in that he realized that he needed to be there - that he was in the right place. By the end of it - he was scared to leave. He felt safe in the bubble
I have been following your posts jerect..... and I understand all that you are and have gone through. I'll keep you in my prayers as I have been.
peace xo
Restoring myself to sanity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Thanks Abundance,
I know the intervention has to be done, but it's the lying and going around behind his back planning the thing that bothers me so much. I'm an honest person and I do not like secrets. However this time, I think it's one secret I need to keep. Maybe I should look at it as planning a surprise party lol..
This will ruin me financially. My AH will be out of work and he is a waiter/bartender so it's not like he will get paid time off. I can't worry about that now though. Somehow and someway it will all work out..
I know the intervention has to be done, but it's the lying and going around behind his back planning the thing that bothers me so much. I'm an honest person and I do not like secrets. However this time, I think it's one secret I need to keep. Maybe I should look at it as planning a surprise party lol..
This will ruin me financially. My AH will be out of work and he is a waiter/bartender so it's not like he will get paid time off. I can't worry about that now though. Somehow and someway it will all work out..
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
((jerect))
Good luck. I hope the intervention is successful in that it gives you experience, strength and hope.
I have often wondered if I were able to gather family and friends together for my son, to sit down all together, at one time and confront him - would it make a difference, would it mean something? Have I given up without trying this? So I too will look forward to your continued posts.
Joan
Good luck. I hope the intervention is successful in that it gives you experience, strength and hope.
I have often wondered if I were able to gather family and friends together for my son, to sit down all together, at one time and confront him - would it make a difference, would it mean something? Have I given up without trying this? So I too will look forward to your continued posts.
Joan
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
Good luck to you...have you read the book Love first? It will tell you how to do an intervention. Are you going to have a professional come in???
You are lucky that his family sides with you are they see what you are going through.
Because everything looks fine on the outside---good job, house, family, my ah's family doesnt even know he is still using....and i dont know if they ever realized or believed me when i told them how much. They were in denial and still are. Until things get really out of hand, Im afraid nothing will change in that respect and so I have to deal with this mess all by myself.
Hope all goes well, and I completely understand how you feel about the secrets and going behind his back, but you are doing Something, you are being proactive, you are trying to raise his bottom and are not just sitting there doing nothing, unlike myself.
You are lucky that his family sides with you are they see what you are going through.
Because everything looks fine on the outside---good job, house, family, my ah's family doesnt even know he is still using....and i dont know if they ever realized or believed me when i told them how much. They were in denial and still are. Until things get really out of hand, Im afraid nothing will change in that respect and so I have to deal with this mess all by myself.
Hope all goes well, and I completely understand how you feel about the secrets and going behind his back, but you are doing Something, you are being proactive, you are trying to raise his bottom and are not just sitting there doing nothing, unlike myself.
Restoring myself to sanity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Yes, I have read the book love first and thats what sped up my decision to do the intervention.
I'm a bundle of nerves right now. I know that I'm doing something and that I'm being proactive but I still feel like I'm about to jump off a cliff or something. His mom called me again today and we discussed it a little bit more. She is very serious about this and it takes a little bit of stress off my shoulders. I'm so blessed to have inlaws like mine. They were in denial for a while too but they slowly came out of their fog.
My AH is going to be mad as a hornet at me, lol. He is addicted to football and I can just hear his reasons as to why he can't go to rehab at this time.. these will be his exact words "Just wait till after football season and I'll go." Anyone have any good rebutals for that one.. my MIL and I want to be prepared for every reason he has not to go.
drainedwife hang in there and you have a pm coming..
I'm a bundle of nerves right now. I know that I'm doing something and that I'm being proactive but I still feel like I'm about to jump off a cliff or something. His mom called me again today and we discussed it a little bit more. She is very serious about this and it takes a little bit of stress off my shoulders. I'm so blessed to have inlaws like mine. They were in denial for a while too but they slowly came out of their fog.
My AH is going to be mad as a hornet at me, lol. He is addicted to football and I can just hear his reasons as to why he can't go to rehab at this time.. these will be his exact words "Just wait till after football season and I'll go." Anyone have any good rebutals for that one.. my MIL and I want to be prepared for every reason he has not to go.
drainedwife hang in there and you have a pm coming..
Turning it all around
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by jerect
My AH will be out of work and he is a waiter/bartender so it's not like he will get paid time off.
Restoring myself to sanity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by HopeTo180
Maybe suggest he find another line of work. At least eliminate the bartender side of the equation. That would be a good step in the right direction. Prayers
His job is where he buys his drugs and makes his connections. If he goes to rehab, hopefully he will realize that by keeping his job he will never be able to stay sober.
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